How to attain fame in metal
- Maintain your virginity intact.
- Have a desire to "Stick it to The Man".
- Album name: make it sound like something out of an Americunt fantasy manga.
- Name your band after a serial killer/murder/faggy made up olde english term thats supposed to sound dark and evil or just copy Dragonforce and pick an old JRPG gsme you liked as a kid.
- Beat on the bass drum like hell and shit over the snare and cymbals really fast.
- Strum the same guitar note repetitively.
- Deny that you're a hippie while growing your hair exactly like one
- Roar like a Dragon.
- Not be able to write any sort of melody, but not care because melodies are for fags with actual talent.
- Fail at actual music
- Believe that every day is October 31st
- Be liked by absolutely no one
- Sell your soul to the devil
- Follow the Metallica model. Try to look all off the grid and fuck the man but be Jews in disquise that will sell your fans' souls for money
- Possess a misplaced sense of importance
- Become society's bitch
- Be tone-deaf
- Live in your parents' basement
- Make you and your band members all get the same fucking sleeve tattoos
- Have no shame in trying ridiculously hard to look and sound like your idols who try to look and sound like their idols who try to fucking look like and sound like THEIR idols
- Be from Sweden
The Eric Clapton Model To Making
- Find some really awesome Mississippi Delta Blues songs in the public domain.
- Speed them up. The faster the better.
- Songs like Crossroads, Sweet Home Chicago, Screw it, if it's by Robert Johnson grab it because it'll sell, House Of The Rising Sun or Ram Jam's Black Betty are good examples too.
- Include lots of guitar filler
- Remember to stick with folk music because you will get sued for not crediting original songs correctly like Clapton was sued for incorrectly crediting Lead Belly for the song Corina Corina.
- Pretend they're yours because who's going to believe a black man wrote such a kick ass song when it doesn't have a 1-2 beat and rhymes badly.
- Get them on the radio
mildly autistic and holding their rich dads cock too tight for too long, never managed to develop any social skills or sense of humor above that of a boy who’ve just reached puberty. Generally they start out wanting to be punk rock fags, but get rejected because they are too fat. In frustration over their life being a complete failure, they join up on the internet with equally pathetic souls in their very special teenage rebellion trend exclusive for IRL bottom-feeders: Downloading (1 metal and (2 south park episodes, shape all their views according to these then cry and masturbate each other how PC the rest of the world is, which effectively fulfills all the pubertal asspie desires of angsty rich kids.
The way to be an TRUE METALHEAD!!! Is to be a nonconformist. All you need to do to be one of the nonconformists is to wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, have the same hair, have the same opinions and act like all the other metalheads.
Most metalheads shit themselves when someone stereotypes metal as "all Satanic" or "all screaming". After yelling at you for a few hours for sterotyping metal, they end their rant with, "At least metal is better than rap, all rappers are like, 'WAT UP NIGGAH! CHECK OUT MAH TEEF YO, I FUCK BITCHES AND HOES AND CUM IN THEIR THROATS." which is totally not stereotyping(But is true anyways, as niggers ALWAYS type their stereotypes and embody them as much as possible).
The majority of metal fans listen to metal and only metal. They will claim to listen to jazz and classical music also which both are actually in some metal. In reality they will probably own a couple of MP3s of Miles Davis or Holst, to which they listen to only after smoking profuse amounts of pot. They only claim to listen to these styles of music in order to give their tastes some kind of validity, as many would say their favorite genre is some of the worst fuck ever shat out of mankind's ass. The distinguished metal listener listens to a wide variety of skilled musicianship, abstract genres, and is dedicated to becoming a skilled musician.
Oh, but there are a few troubled souls that never grow out of this cool fad, These champions and goal achievers so often end up working at some shit job and coming home to a fat "girlfriend". In conclusion metalheads who don't GROW THE FUCK UP end up being losers and fail at life.
The four stages of metal fans
- Metal poser: Usually, the metal poser is some thirteen-year-old scene faggot who just discovered a shitty metalcore band like Asking Alexandria or Bring Me The Horizon and thinks that they're TEH MOST BR00T4L SHIT EVAR!!1!one. This person generally will not rub their taste in music in your face, but if asked they will claim that they are indeed a hardcoar metalhead.
Many of these people are also teen girls who believe that the only way to support a band is to buy all their merch at Hot Topic, and who only like the band because they think the lead singer is hot. These people are generally looked down upon by all other subspecies of metal fans.
- Metal faggot: A couple of years later, the metal poser realizes that holy shit, THERE IS MUSIC THAT IS EVEN MOAR BR00T4L THAN METALCORE!!1 Thus, the metal faggot is spawned.
The metal faggot is the most common type of metal fan in existence, and also the most retarded. The metal faggot shows his hatred for the preps by growing his hair out, wearing only black, and buying a fuckton of t-shirts from well-known metal bands like Slayer. Ironically, since the metal faggot's identity is so wrapped up in his image, he is actually more of a poser than the metal poser.
The metal faggot may also be in a shitty band, at least until his bandmates kick him out. He will also pretend to be a Satanist or something because Satan is so badass. The metal faggot will claim to know everything about metal, while in reality he knows virtually nothing aside from Slayer, Metallica, and Dream Theater, because these are generally the only bands that are accessible enough for him. Because of this, trolling the metal faggot is extremely easy; simply ask him about bands that he has no clue about, such as Kvelertak, Deathspell Omega, and Anaal Nathrakh, and watch as the metal faggot's own ignorance is shoved directly into his face. Be warned, however, that exposing the metal faggot to music that he is unaware of can make him transform into something even more obnoxious...
- Metal elitist: The metal elitist truly DOES know everything about metal, and he will not let you forget it. The metal elitist's favorite bands are a bunch of shit you've never heard of. The metal elitist is most commonly found it his mom's basement, engaging in TL;DR threads on /mu/ about which Acid Bath album was the best. The metal elitist will often claim that he has an open mind when it comes to music, however he will still maintain that all of his music is better than your music.
The metal elitist typically is not easy to distinguish, because he has realized that wearing a lot of chains and spikes does not actually make you metal, and as such he has given up all of that in favor of clothes that are actually functional. He will cut his hair, and stops wearing his band t-shirts as much. For a prime example of a metal elitist, see Needledrop.
- Post-metalhead: Often, after a certain period of time, the metal elitist realizes that liking a genre that no one else likes does not make him cool or unique and that wearing a Wormrot t-shirt will not help him get laid. He then renounces most of his metal fanboyism, gets a job, and goes to college. He still listens to metal, and still enjoys it, but not as much as he used to, and now it's not the only thing he listens to. Very few metal fans actually reach this stage, and most of them remain stuck in one of the preceding stages, where they linger on in a state of perma-virginity until they die alone.
What they achieve
Worst guitar solo ever!
Gaahl from Wardruna and Gorgoroth talks about being gay
Metal is so cool and underground that Glee covered an Iron Maiden song
You can spot a metal fan in a crowd too!
Everyone else can, so why don't you do it too!?
- A) Long hair
- B) Fuzzy eyebrows so huge that you could hide a shit worth of fuck in there
- C) Usually an Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, or some other shitty band T-shirt no one cares about.
- D) Ugly
- E) Would either get raped in prison for being wiry and girly from the back, or, if of the large-and-burly physique, be doing the raping.
- F) Randomly burst out in a "death" or "black" "growl" or "scream" when excited; just in case a passerby might mistake their giddy behavior for being ADHD and/or that of a 12 year old girl emo.
- G) Homosexual which many of them are
- H) All of the above and below
- I) Wears black
- Tell them that metal is emo.
- Tell them that you're happy Chuck Schuldiner/Cliff Burton/Ronnie James Dio/Randy Rhoads/whoever died, and reap the benefits.
- Mention any christian/white/unblack metal band.
- Vikings practiced homosexuality works perfectly among Western/Eastern European heavy metal fans.
- Say that Deathcore is considered metal.
- Tell them that alternative metal bands like System of a Down are at the modern apex of cutting edge experimental metal, then proceed to say that nu metal and alternative metal are not the same genre, and that speed metal is not a real genre and practically the same thing as thrash metal
- Ask them "What's the big deal about whether (insert band name here) is thrash, speed, black, death, etc. ? They're all sound the same to me."
- Ask them "Why can't metal be fun like BABYMETAL?"
- Refer to Dave Mustaine as "Dave Cumstaine"
- Say that BMTH are death metal
- Ask someone wearing corpse paint makeup which member of KISS he's supposed to be or ask him if he's going to a KISS gig.
- Say that every metalcore song ever made is better than anything Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, or Anthrax ever recorded.
- Call someone wearing corpse paint a juggalo
- Say that Liturgy is the best black metal band ever.
- Say the first metal song was written in a gay bar.
- Call The Smashing Pumpkins a gothic metal band.
- 'Casually' mention that Iron Maiden are the shittiest band of all time (SRSLY, 'metalheads' go fucking crazy when this happens)
- Mention how you always confuse Ozzy Osbourne and Donnie Osmond.
- Mention any screamo band.
- Refer to thrash metal as "trash metal".
- Say that Deafheaven is the only listenable black metal band out there.
- Say that Alien Ant Farm are metal
- Say BABYMETAL is your favorite metal band
- Make fun of Jason Becker.
- Say that Mushroomhead is underground
- Ask what their opinion on Grunge is. If they say it is metal, say that they pulled most of their influences from Punk and Alternative music, and some had set out to destroy (successfully) the Pop Metal of the day. If they say it is not metal, ask them about Soundgarden, Alice in Chains and Tad. Bonus if Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden is brought out.
- Tell them to bathe and cut their hair (try this over the Internet, as just listening to their screaming after this is a real fuck too much for any normal person.)(also, don't try this with metallic hardcore fans, as they are most likely bald. Also don't try this on nu metallers if their hair is short and spiky)
- Say Yngwie Malmsteen was a shoddy guitar player.
- Make fun of Immortal.
- Complain about goths and imply that they are one.
- If making the sign of the horns, stick out your thumb
- Say that Death are a deathcore band.
- Claim Marilyn Manson is satanic death metal
- go off tagging thrash bands as glam (BONUS IF IT'S EXODUS)
- Say that Slipknot are more brutal than Cannibal Corpse.
- Say that Motley crue, poison, ratt, quiet riot, cinderella, and those bands are thrash metal
- say that paul baloff was a glam faggot
- Go to an Exodus gig with a shirt of bands like Motley Crue or Ratt
- Tell them that Primus is the most awesome groovy thrash metal band ever.
- Pogo-dance at a death metal/thrash metal gig
- Tell them how pogo dancing came from punk and some crossover thrash can be punk
- Tell them that hatebreed is thrash metal
- Tell them that Opeth is overrated mallcore, and not as good as Otep.
- Tell them that Mudvayne are progressive metal.
- Make the peace sign with your hands instead of the metal horns at concerts (only for professional runners).
- Accuse Slayer of stealing its name from that Buffy show (even though the Disney film they did steal their name from (Dragonslayer) is actually more embarassing).
- Remind them that Metallica lost a Grammy to Jethro Tull for Best Metal Performance.
- Tell them that all the black metal players stole their look from KISS, Arthur Brown and Alice Cooper.
- Compliment their favorite band and agree with everything they say. Just WATCH their facial expressions.
- 2 words: Limp Bizkit.
- Say that their long hair makes them look like chicks.
- Call emo bands doom metal.
- Ask why metal can't be more intelligent and thoughtful like Isis or Agalloch.
- Compare every metal song you hear to DragonForce.
- Say that Fieldy from Korn is a better bassist than Cliff Burton.
- Tell them Cryptopsy's latest effort is their best yet.
- Tell them about how Iron Maiden ripped off Papa Roach.
- Say that the nu metal/pop Incubus and death metal Incubus are actually the same band.
- Call Butt-Rock bands like Creed and Nickelback traditional heavy metal.
- Tell a thrash fag about how you yearn for the days when Machine Head were making albums like The Burning Red and Supercharger.
- Tell them System of a Down's first album has elements of goregrind.
- Say that the majority of metal songs are just smashing power-chords. Then say that all metal bands always use power-chords.
- Tell them "Primus sucks" and see if they get it.
- Say Green Day and Blink-182 are old school thrash metal since some of their songs are fast
- Say that Aaron Lewis from Staind is your favorite death metal vocalist.
- Tell them that they're not real metalheads (if you're in a metalhead group).
- Say that Tool have gotten worse with each new album. (bonus if it's a Tool fanboy)
- Say Slipknot is the best metal band evar.
- If they're Slipknot fans, make jokes about Paul Gray.
- Say metalcore is the best.
- Talk about how all of Slayer's albums sound so different from each other.
- Tell them that The Red Hot Chili Peppers are better than Mike Patton.
- Say that Jeffrey Dahmer typifies most metal fans.
- Talk shit about Scott Ian, David Draiman or any other Metaljew.
- Tell them that the Jonas Brothers are better than the bands that they like.
- Say that Nirvana saved heavy metal music with Nevermind
- Show them what the Krautfags think of all this:
- Tell them Necrophagist writes crappy music (say its too slow).
- Say that all female metal fans are dykes.
- Tell them that Iron Butterfly was the first metal band.
- Say that Morbid Angel's song Angel of Disease ripped off Korn's Ball Tongue.
- Tell them Mike Portnoy chose Avenged Sevenfold over Dream Theater.
- Say that Opeth writes simple music.
- Talk shit about Kerry King.
- Talk shit about Bruce Dickinson.
- Confuse Megadeth with Guns N Roses or Ratt
- Say that God Hates Us All and Diabolus in Musica are much better than Slayer 80s albums.
- Say that System Of A Down are moar metal than Judass Priest
- Tell them that Dimmu Borgir are satanic.
- Call Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Alice in Chains the "big four" of thrash metal.
- Say that Black Metal vocalists are just ripping off Steven Tyler.
- Tell them that Dream Theater is the most talented nu metal band evar.
- Say that Power metal is better than Black metal.
- Remind them that Pantera was once a Glam Metal band.
- Say RIP The Rev and that he is the best drummer ever.
- If they're gay for Manowar like most metal fans are, show them this video;
Metalheads are well known for trying to be "hardcore" because they love music about gore and killing people and playing guitar the loudest way possible. Look at a Cannibal Corpse album. Notice the woman who has a monster ripping out her vagina. In reality though, they are pretty much pussies and will faint at any sight of blood, carnage and vermin that they claim to love so much.
Examples of a metalhead trolling
A metalhead's response to somebody saying Queen is better than their shitty generic death metal band.
How to troll a metal community in LJ
It's very easy, all you have to do is follow these steps
- Go and join in a community called .
- Request or post MP3s of any screamo, hardcore, and nu metal bands.
After trolling some Norwegian motherfucker named will come to your house and fuck your wife. Don't have a wife? He'll settle for a beloved pet or any children nearby. Then take all your beer and leave. He isn't expected to be around long; the community's owner, will eventually shitcan him for kicking too much ass. This community only accepts wannabe black metal bands such as Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Immortal, as well as folk/viking/pagan metal and fem-fronted metal.
- Alra Galathor
- Black Metal
- Criss Angel
- Defense Industries Organization
- Eddie Van Halen
- Elton John
- Fucking magnets
- Metal archives
- Metal Reviews
- Sniff Heinkel
- Christian Metal
- Metal Isn't Real Music Facebook community. N00bs. (many lol-cows)
- The people who know their shit
- Encyclopaedia Metallum (sound familiar?)
- Heavy Metal and cosplay
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