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Metallica

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Well at least some things didn't change

Metallica is a totally awesome group of 4 homosexuals who like to make their version of "music" in between their intense rock sessions. They are most known for regularly releasing kickass albums and suing the entire internet. The members are James Hetfag, Farts Holestick, Robert Guerillo, and Kirk Faggot.

I am the table!

In recent years, Metallica members have had to dodge many hit-squads formed by outraged, deranged teenage and twenty-something fans who felt their betrayal as an internal knife into the heart (it does hurt that bad), to have their heroes who once stood up against the hypocrisy of the world and expressed sublime art, turn into self-complacent, passionless multimillionaire traitors to their now love-lorn base.

The rumors that Metallica is made of pure shit are false. Metallica is only 50% shit, with 25% being ass and the other 25% is pure Pegging

Contents

History

Milking Mustaine's Material

Metallica was formed at least 100 years ago by guitarist James "THE TABLE" Hetfield, bassist Ron McGovny, lead guitarist Dave Mustaine (who got kicked out two years later) and Danish drummer Lars Ulrich. Hetfield initially used and abused his aspie friend from highschool McGovney for his van. Eventually McGovney quit taking their abuse after Mustaine trolled him by pouring beer down the neck of McGovney's bass, pwning him in the process and sending him flying across a room. Not that it mattered anyway as Metallica, being the jerkoffs they were, already had his replacement ready long before; Cliff Burton, another aspie who they actually liked and was actually talented.

BAWWWWWWWWW


Ah... the good old days, when we was still friends and spooned each other.

However, Mustaine was too much of an IRL tough guy. He would regularly beat the shit out of the other band members after getting shitfaced on beer, which is ironic since Metallica's nickname for a long time was "Alcohollica" (so one has to imagine that Mustaine was in fact as hardcore as he told us). The final straw came when Hetfield kicked Mustaine's dog. Mustaine proceeded to beat the crap out of Hetfield and tossed Mcgoveny across a room; so Metallica did what every other hardcore, alcohol-abusing band would do: they kicked him out of the band... of course he rejoined later.... They sent Mustaine on a bus home with all his crap and hired some half-Philippine effeminate guy called Jew who played for a band that opened for them. Mustaine never actually recovered from this traumatic experience and is still butthurt over the whole ordeal. As we can see from clip above (from the shitty Metallica's in emo therapy movie Some Kind of Monster), Mustaine clearly has abandonment issues despite becoming a God and rich fuck with his own kickass metal band Megadeth.


With the new lineup, the band proceeded to make their first record Kill 'Em All (alternatively known as "Wrote 'Em All" by Mustaine), though being the unimaginative fucks they were, they decided that it wasn't enough to just boot Mustaine out of the band but they should also steal his material for at least half the songs on their debut album (and some later), it wasn't like they were gonna be famous or anything, amirite?


Having released their third album Master of Puppets, Metallica had managed to change metal from something that was about hairspray and eye-liner into something about leather and denim. It was also shortly after this, that they were touring Sweden, as it happens the tour bus was speeding down the highway and crashed due to the driver being drunk off his ass. Unfortunately only one of the members died, the most talented one at that, Burton managed to go flying out of the top window next to his bunk and ended up crushed under the bus itself. When the rescue services arrived, they tried to save him but instead managed to drop the bus on him again, effectively permabanning him IRL in the process.

End of The Old Metallica

Metallica: As badass as it gets.

Metallica got butthurt for a while but eventually replaced him, by means of a mass audition, yet again they picked another aspie Jason Newsted, who this time they picked on and bullied cos he was the "new guy". They would troll him by pelting the food from the buffet tables at him, they would tell everyone he was gay, and at hotels, they would have him pay for all their room service and 50 uneaten lobster dinners.

Metallica went on to record their next album ...And Justice For All, notably with the death of the only talented member and having ran out of Mustaine's material, Metallica had to actually write original content for the first time. So basically, they thought that if Master of Puppets was awesome, why not do the same thing but make MOAR of it, cos people like more amirite? The end result was an album full of songs that were at least 7 minutes long and sounded like Master of Puppets II. Not only that, Ulrich being the short man with unwarranted self-importance, appears to have much more presence than the other members do, which is retarded as he is a drummer, not to mention it sounded as though Newsted's bass was turned off during recording. Despite this, rabid Metallica fanboys ate up the album like the sheep they were and to this day still praise it, despite Metallica knowing deep down inside, that they fucked this one up, as they never play any songs from that album live. Ironically, Metallica were nominated for a Grammy in the category "Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance" for this album in 1989 but lost out to some flute playing shitty band called Jethro Tull.

...And Justice for all.JPG

After passing out that turd, Metallica then fired their producer Flemming Rasmussen cos he was like totally responsible for the last album (and the two before but who's counting), and hired some glam metal producer Bob Rock. With the help of Rock, they produced the biggest selling metal album of all time. Self titled otherwise known as The Black Album as it's affectionately called by Metallica fans, effectively boosted and cemented Metallica's already overinflated ego. However such success in metal never goes without butthurt though, as there was much backlash among a lot of the oldfag fans who missed the old Metallica, complaining that the new music was a lot slower, streamlined and insincere i.e. They sold out but hey what do they know, 22 million copies in sales can't be wrong, amirite?

Experimental Era

Metallica are not Jewish despite persistent rumours

Metallica, probably being the only metal band the average soccer mom knew, decided to take advantage of their mediocre fame. If fans were butthurt over the last album, one could only imagine the shitstorm following Metallica's next album, aptly named Load. Metallica knew that thrash metal was only a passing fad, a minor one at that, and that if they were going to eat lobster everyday for the rest of their lives, something had to be done...

Like totally didn't sellout

When unsuspecting fans went out to buy their troll of an album, they were greeted on the front cover by a lovely "artistic" photo of an artist's own semen mixed with bovine blood. Also gone was the old logo and its place, a feeble attempt at reinventing themselves, and it got much worse. On the back we could see every indie/underground music loving fan's worst nightmare, one could see Metallica actually enjoying the fruits of their labour, fancy clothes and fine cigars, not to mention they cut their hair! All this and perhaps more may have been forgiveable had the CD itself had any redeeming music, but alas, Metallica in the best interest's of their fans decided to abandon metal music altogether and embrace alternative rock. No longer did they sing about death, pain, shitty literature references, and injustice, they instead sung about their angst, and inner feelings. Not to mention the music itself was dumbed down yet again, and filled with uber funky cool effects that those angst-ridden teens love.

Portrait of a starving artist

The following year Metallica released Re-Load, it doesn't really deserve its own paragraph but to put it in Lars Ulrich's own words:


   
 
We wrote 27 songs for Load and were developing it as a double album. We then got the offer [in January 1996] to play Lollapalooza [that summer] and [decided] we [would] put one record out now with most of the songs that are done and then we [would] come back after a year and finish the rest of them. As far as I'm concerned, you can take any of these songs and interchange them on the two albums.
 

 
 

—Lars being a little too honest

Also to note, Metallica could have easily released a double album of this crap, but instead opted to further milk their fans by essentially releasing the same album twice and were totally open about this. Whether Metallica have the balls to do it again remains to be seen, but judging by their fanbase, it seems all too likely to happen again.

Metallica being hampered by some creative block as evident by releasing Load II, continued this trend of unoriginality by releasing a cover album Garage Inc. (moar leik Garbage inc. amirite?) the following year. It consisted of songs by nobodies and shitty punk bands, who now make more money than they ever did playing for tips down their local titty bar because of Metallica. This is one of the few things that Metallica has ever done that has benefited someone else, even if it was by using other peoples music for their own gain.

Metallica, with the ever-growing ego, decided that they needed to record a live album with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. They released S&M in 1999, its tracklist was basically what the greatest hits album would look like and every old Metallifag's fears i.e. half the songs were from Load/Load II. However Metallica being somewhat decent, made it a double album so there was at least one album worth of ok material, well if you like heavy metal anyway. Another thing to note is how Metallica being the creative geniuses they were, actually believed that by throwing violins, trumpets and other obsolete instruments into the mix of their songs, that this actually somehow made the songs superior, what Metallica more or less achieved was more analogous to some dumb ricer, slapping several grands worth of bodykits onto a shitty front wheel drive compact.

Trolling Metallica fans

The trolling of a Metallica fan can be highly rewarding experience and can produce much lulz.

The following is a list of ways you may want to try:


1. Make fun of overrated bassist Cliff Burton's death

2. Say that Load and Re-load are "classic Metallica" and that they are better than Master of Puppets.

3. Say that Raining Blood St.Anger or anything from Load/ReLoad is your favourite song by Metallica.

4. Say that Lars Ulrich is your favourite guitarist drummer.

5. Say that Metallica is emo.

6. Say that Megadeth is the best band in the world.

7. Say Metallica is glam metal

OMG! Internet Not Just For Porn?

NAPSTER BAAAAAAAD!!!

Metallica having spent too much time IRL due to their massive wallets (hey who wouldn't?), neglected the internets and so when they heard their unreleased single for the Mission Impossible II soundtrack: I Disappear on the radio, they shat bricks and were completely stumped at how their song could have gotten leaked. As it turns out, anyone with too much time on their hands and a triple digit IQ were using this P2P program called Napster. Basically Napster, before being raped by the music industry, let you download music for free. So, if you thought Metallica were butthurt over a single, you can only imagine the BAWWWWWWWWW at having their entire discography available for free. Ulrich then proceeded to do what anyone with plenty of time on their hands would do, he compiled a list of usernames of several hundred thousand Napster users, and like the tough guy he was, was threatening lawsuits whenever he got any air time. 16 year old girls, 13 year old boys and basement dwellers, that downloaded their music on Napster went into extreme butthurt because they were on the verge of actually having to pay for something.

Eventually Ulrich actually got bored trolling penniless children and losers, so he and Metallica Hetfield went and sued Napster itself for great justice reparations, needless to say it was a fine example of American justice, with Metallicash winning.

Back To Their Roots

Not long after this great publicity, Newsted left the band in 2001 due to Hetfield becoming increasingly jealous and insecure over Newsted's shitty side band that never actually took off. This event has been surrounded by controversy but most fans agree that a big reason Newsted left the band is because he was tired of having to take Kirk's dick up his ass while watching Ulrich take James's. Alas, Metallica didn't care as they never did like Newsted in the first place.

The cover for the album St Anger, was hailed with much critical acclaim, proof that the media serves the interests of the public.
In St anger, James started getting raped by Corey Taylor, Lars forgot the difference between trash cans and drums, Kirk forgot to write a solo and Robert just acted like a Paolo Jr Wannabe.

So Newsted moped about in some Canadian metal band Voivod allowing the other members to leach off his ill-gotten money. Ozzy Osbourne in need of a new bassist, took pity upon Newsted, and took him up as his bassist. However, this didn't even last a year, as Newsted ever more confused by his aspie emotions, felt that he had to leave and concentrate on playing for that obscure Canadian band.


Metallica, having generated some publicity with the loss of their bassist, decided it was the perfect time to record a new album. However many things had changed since when sexually ambiguous alternative-rock was dominating the 90s. Nu-metal was now the choice of music for angst-ridden teens; it blended the musical qualities of hip-hop and metal. Metallica felt now was the time to return to their roots; old Metallica fans were once again fapping upon hearing Hetfield and Ulrich, say how they were going to make the next album loud, fast, and angry again, like back in the good old days.


Metallica spent a whole year hard at work, recording this much hyped album (with producer Rock on bass), such that by the end of the process in 2003, nu-metal was almost dead. Surely, this could only be a good thing, amirite? Metallica did say they were going back to their roots after all. The music critics and the media who knew best certainly thought so too, and gave the album much praise (seriously), Metallica fans were now assured that they would not be disappointed, went out and bought St Anger by the masses, propelling this to No. 1 and multi-platinum status. However what the Metallica fans didn't realise was that in the reviews given, the album was described as catchy, with plenty of bass, and angst. Which meant Metallica thought they could jump on the nu-metal gravy train, and release an album full of Hetfield's incoherent shouting, Ulrich bashing on tin pots, with the treble turned off, and the bass set on 10. As if that wasn't bad enough, Metallica didn't record a single solo, further cementing the undeniable claim that

   
 
Can I say something that I think is bullshit? This whole fucking 'solo outdates the whole thing'… that's so bullshit, you know? If you don't put a guitar solo on one of these songs, that dates it to this period, and that's cemented to a trend that's happening in music right now. I think that's stupid and I think that's totally trendy.
 

 
 

—Hammett telling the truth, but being the most effeminate member, is at the bottom of the pecking order, so was ignored as usual

The recording process was very stressful

Metallica were a product to be sold, like condoms or cigarettes. Funnily enough this time around though, Metallica actually missed the boat as crappy music like Korn, Slipknot and Limp Bizkit were making way for shittier acts like My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park and Panic! At The Disco. As previously mentioned, this didn't stop the album hitting No. 1 and as though that wasn't bad enough, Metallica went on to win a Grammy for the title song, further proving the superiority of our free and unabridged press to those fascists who filter theirs.

On a side note Roberto Agustín Trujillo filled in the bassist slot, after another audition. It's rather unfortunate for Metallica, that despite being within the same age bracket, Trujillo not only looks cooler than the other members but he also makes Metallica look a lot older by comparison. It doesn't help either when Metallica are in public they fondle and grope Trujillo, in the hope that his untainted charisma and novelty rub off onto them. Trujillo before being given the opportunity of playing in Metallica, made his fame in the punk metal band Suicidal Tendencies and was bassist in Ozzy Osbourne's band before being ironically replaced by Jason Newsted who had left Metallica.

Back To Their Roots II

Another No. 1 album

When the time came to buy another fleet of Pagani Zonda record another album, it was the year 2007. Thanks to the likes of great metal bands like DragonForce, Underoath, Trivium, and Bullet for My Valentine, guitar solos and heavy metal music were once again socially acceptable though tainted was a disappointment moar than ever.

Fans react to latest Metallica release.

Metallica once again were hosting press releases, making MOAR promises of going back to their roots and making another "classic" Metallica album being as shitty as they have always been. This had phailed them time and time again as they reached a lower level of shittiness with every deep hard thrust they gave into eachothers anus.

Fast forward to 2008, with much hype and media rear-ending, the album was released. Frolicking Unicorn which went to No. 1 on every chart worth considering as expected that isn't worth reading. Everyone then realized that it was the same shit they had been turning out all alone and continued to not give a shit.

Metallica did not take home a grammy and lost to Coldplay for Best Rock Album of the Year. They were officially more phail than both Blink 182 and Coldplay. After much consolation buttsecks they left with their guitars between their legs.

Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Last Thursday, Metallica, along with pioneer rock band Run DMC and a bunch of other bands, were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Besides bragging to the world about how awesome they are, Metallica performed three songs, including the classic Train Kept a Rollin', which featured over 9000 different guest guitarists. James Hetfield's children were there as well, although Pedobear snatched them up later on.

At their induction, Metallica said that the Hall of Fame is run by a bunch of pussies for not having more good bands like KISS or Rush. Of course, everyone has been saying this for years, so it's unlikely the nomination committee will listen since they're too busy bringing in bands like ABBA.

Although Jason Newsted appeared, Dave Mustaine was nowhere to be found. He was invited over, but was too butthurt that Megadeth wasn't inducted to come. Some argue that he was too busy touring, or maybe he's no longer butthurt, considering that Dave became a christfag in 2004.

But its most likely because he didn't want the world to see the massive boner he would get from watching the guys that used to fuck him in the ass get a big, phallic extension to their e-penis.

Guitar Hero

Metallica soon realized that nobody was going to go out and buy their latest display of assmanship called Twat Magnetic. So last Thursday, Guitar Hero Metallica was released, which featured a new double bass drum attachment for the drums. It sold many copies, making Metallica even more fucking rich. Metallica intends to invest the money earned on this sellout endeavor by partnering with local software companies to develop the next generation of P2P applications, most notably Crapster. The idea behind Crapster is to merge every single song ever recorded into one enormous MP3 so large that no one will be able (or willing) to download it. Despite the fact that the idea originated from the band itself, Lars is already extremely mad and intends to file a class action lawsuit against himself.

Failures with Lou Reed

In 2011, They collaborated with Lou Reed, a homosexual pedo who fucked them.

Heavy Metal... to Self-Destruct

In 2016, Metallica released their worst album yet.

Typical 16-year-old indiefag's reaction to GH:Metallica. James better watch out.

Typical Metallica Lyrics

   
 
...I have lost the will to live...Need the end to set me free...Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
 

 
 

—Taken from the song "Fade To Black" off the album Ride the Lightning, the whole thing is actually more depressing than this


   
 
Pain monopoly, ritual misery, chop your breakfast on a mirror
 

 
 

— From the song "Master of Puppets". In the very deep lyrics, James explains how to play EDopoly


   
 
...Take my hand

We're off to Never Never Land
 


 
 

—From the song Enter Sandman, on the Black Album, regarding one of Metallica's many fetishes


   
 
Good day. How do? And I send a smile to you.
 

 
 

Wasting My Hate, off the Load album. Also a typical greeting amongst fans.


   
 
...Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock

Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock...
 


 
 

—Metallica's hard biting social commentary on the brevity of life, from the song Frantic, off the great album St. Anger

One of Metallica's recurring themes, note how many times "death" is mentioned when Metallica diversify their music.


THIS IS SO FUCKING BADASS NO LIE

Table

In November of 2011 James Hetfield became a table after Lou Reed made him sing it repeatedly in The View. Now that Lou Reed is dead James Hetfield will probably stop being a table, even though he's already the laughingstock of the internet.

Proof that James is a table

Artist Facts

  • Metallica loves bacon (of course who doesn't?), and this is the source of a forced meme on Megadeth's forums.
  • Lars has been kicked in the nuts 4,280 times.
  • James has kicked Lars in the nuts 4,279 times.
  • The original cover art for the Black Album was a photo of a bunch of hairy assholes, but in the end, the band opted to go with the more discreet "Don't Tread On Me" faded snake logo rather than a picture of the band.

Gallery

See Also

External links

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