Michelle Malkin

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Michelle Malkin and her minions of evil.

Michelle Malkin is a professional Asian cunt who spends her time "exposing" the liberal media and sucking off fat, white conservatives in exchange for an undeserved syndication like the good Filipina whore she is. Like Ann Coulter, she is an IRL troll as well. The only differences between her and Coulter are her slanted eyes and lack of an Adam's Apple. She is known for her ability to queef ping-pong balls. Her fellow Republicans don't have the heart to tell her she's not white.

History[edit]

A young Malkin auditions for a pair of Faux News foreign correspondents
Yes, yes she does.

Michelle started by writing a series of books no one read. One of her books, In Defense of Internment, was all about why the Japs should be re-interned. In another tl;dr website, two historians pretty much pwned her book by pointing out that she updates her webpage everyday, but still had enough time to write her book in about six months. Clearly she couldn't have done that, especially since she's a woman and Filipina.

Malkin is fond of putting quotes from various unnamed liberals calling her a gook, etc. on her books in place of normal reviews. This is probably because there are no good reviews, assuming anyone could be bothered to review her at all. The stilted nature of these "liberal attacks" might lead one to suspect she's trying to look important enough that someone important enough to be quotable would bother acknowledging her in public. As if Malkin would miss a chance to namedrop anyone who bothered to acknowledge her, regardless of how unimportant they are ("She smells like feet." - Middle School Teacher, Nebraska).

Michelle Gets Pwned[edit]

A few months ago, Michelle got very pissed because those damn atheist liberals were protesting some war or something in some country no one has ever heard of. So, in a sad, sad attempt to generate lulz on her blog, Michelle put up phone numbers of those damn atheist liberals who were involved. Rather than sue for libel and harassment, the liberals posted Michelle's shit all over the internets, causing her and her Jew to move. This also resulted in her children being pulled out of school. When it was found out that she wasn't homeschooling her children like a white, God-fearing Republican Christian would, she was shunned by conservatives everywhere. Her fanboys, however, latched onto her harder, like remoras on a shark.

What gets fat conservatives all riled up at night.

Webcamming[edit]

Every week Michelle hosts her own online show, Hot Air. Basically, it's what you'd find on your garden variety Yahoo chat room. But this time, she has an OMG green screen, and will, on occasion, use unfunny props or awesome MIDIs for her background music, or even give a ping-pong ball show.

Michelle Malkin being an upstanding Christian
According to Malkin, the face in this photo was used for the shoop on bikini photo. Righhhhtttttt...
How Michelle Malkin perceives the world around her. Notice the victim complex?

Having Your Humility[edit]

Take a good hard look at the picture to the right. Hawt, amirite? Unfortunately the "Photoshoppers" at Wonkette didn't give her titties a big enough boost, causing Michelle to go batshit insane and become butthurt.

Wonkette enjoyed the resulting lulz, but Michelle didn't, because her site is 99% lulz-free. When Wonkette kept up the lulz, she went Defcon One nukular on Wonkette and its shitty sister site, Gawker, resulting in even better lulz. [1][2] She then began a nefarious plot against the "lying hate-mongers" by harassing "the Gawker Smear Machine". When they refused to amplify her 'skeeter bites to Biblical proportions, she immediately filed suit for libel against her "pristine character". Despite being obviously the truth, this has not stopped her rabid fanboys from declaring E-jihad against those who say the suit is without merit [3].

Pedophile Apologist[edit]

Michelle Malkin is also an apologist for pedophiles! According to her site, hotair.com, these emails were altered by the "New York Slimes" (OMG REPUBLICAN PUN).

BREAKING NEWS[edit]

Michelle's batshit insanity has gone to new heights and caused moar IRL drama. On her blog, she said that Dunkin' Donuts was supporting the "terrists" because in one of their ads, that whore from the Food Network was wearing a scarf that slightly resembled one worn by Osama Bin Laden. Dunkin' Donuts decided to pull the ad due to Michelle's fatwa against scarves and the potential backlash of Michelle's fanbase.

Pubic Wig?[edit]

Malkin's last name is, according to TOW, an asian mispronunciation of the term "merkin," or pubic wig. Merkins are particularly handy for covering up sores from nasty-ass STDs, or for disguising the fact that a woman shaved her pussy to get rid of lice. It is for the reader to decide whether or not this bit of etymology has any bearing on Michelle Malkin's personality.

You can can't almost can Troll her!111!![edit]

Malkin has now opened closed registration for comments on her site, Hot Air, but she is about to reopen them on her Main blog. If you're looking to troll, plz sign up! hold. Do not hesitate if you are not a liberal. Many normal people hate Malkin for just being herself. Plz stand by for further announcements for great justice. In the mean time, you can email her at michelle@hotair.com.

Trivia[edit]

Although she is a small woman, Michelle has a massive bunghole. She is the current holder of the International Extreme Anal Dildo award.

Malkin heroically defended her ancestral home planet against the evil-doers Tarak and Cheral in the Battle For Endor at least 100 years ago.

"Micherr Marrkin" is also an anchor baby. Her parents "visited" the US from the Philippines when her mother, an Ewok elder of no importance, was nine months pregnant. The plan was to give birth to Micherr in America so that she would automatically be a US citizen, and due to the same weak immigration enforcement Marrkin herself now frequently cries about, inadequate immigration laws and lax enforcement by the government led the Department of Immigration and Naturalization to fail it. It is keeping fugly Ewok-looking anchor babies out of the voting citizenry of USA. A movement is now under way to permaban Marrkin's US citizenship, as only real babies are eligible for this citizenship loophole, and not physiologically advanced vaginal discharge, as Micherr was from birth.

Going to Iraq?![edit]

Yes, this upstanding young woman has been invited to Iraq as a correspondent to report an accurate, unbiased perspective of the Iraq war. Even though upwards of a million Iraqi civilians and over 4,000 American soldiers have died as a result of the war and occupation, the MSM is sending a bad image because the AP reported a story about six Muslims getting set on fire and killed.

Acknowledging the risks of being in a war zone, Malkin lamented that her critics would only want to "see me shot in the face or dead". Fortunately for her, her risk was substantially reduced by her refusal to actually fight in a war she ardently supported throughout Dubya's presidency, despite being both young and fit enough to qualify for enlistment. Like most other conservative commentators, she prudently decided to sit the conflict out.

See Also[edit]

Examples of Shameless Self Promotion[edit]

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Featured article October 7, 2006
Preceded by
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Michelle Malkin Succeeded by
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