Mike Huckabee

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Semen-only diet FTW!
Batshit insane!

Former fatty Mike Huckabee is a batshit insane Baptist preacher, and former Governor of Arkansas, who ran for the Republican nomination for President in 2008 and 2016. He is also working closely in cahoots with Chuck Norris.

In a moment of pure genius, FOX green-lit giving Mike his own Oprah-like television show. The show features a town-hall segment where Mike gets the opinions of average Americans about how they want to play out the American fantasy and is comprised of niggers begging for slavery and fat people complaining about food.

I’m a hunter. Not a fighter.[edit]

Huckabee has been seen in the media as a complete and total dumbass. Like most politicians, he feels this is a good sign for him because it means that he is a viable candidate. Unlike most politicians, he is seen as being dumb as a bag of bricks causing fail and epic lulz. A late entrant to the Republican race, Huckabee only came in as a double fucktard, having been pulled out of the hat to get votes by stealing selected policies from Ron Paul without stating his own real point: he hates Catholics almost as much as Mormons and the ZOG needed him for that reason.


   
 
Suddenly, I seem to be in the cross hairs of every predator who is out there," "As a hunter, I know that a good hunter never aims his gun at a dead carcass. You only point it at something you want to put on the wall as a trophy.
 

 
 

—Newest Trophy For the Lulz.

Areas of expertise[edit]

The AIDS[edit]

Huckabee-questionaire-3.jpg

Huckabee has earned the support of many African Americans by suggesting in the early 1990s that AIDS patients should be quarantined to keep it from spreading. This position got many public pools in Arkansas closed, angering the butthurts at Habbo.

In 1992 Huckabee filled out a 229 questionnaire where he promptly made it into his own old media blog/manifesto by bitch slapping the shit out of Elizabeth Taylor and Madonna by saying they should come up with the money themselves for The Gay Plague. He also recommended that anyone who even remotely looked like they might have a lesion be quarantined, causing Brooke Shields to hide her mole in terror.

Unfortunately for him this was 1992, where everyone with a working brain stem and a copy of Time knew that The Gay Plague was not an airborne disease. This fine manuscript laid dormant for at least hundred years until someone with unlimited time "found" it in December of 2007 (i.e, right before the Iowa Caucus and primary voting began, what a coincidence):


   
 
Medical protocol typically says that if you have a disease for which there is no cure, and you are uncertain about the transmission of it, then the first thing you do is that you quarantine or isolate carriers.
 

 
 

—Mike Huckabee – Stupid is as stupid does since 1985.


   
 
If I were making those same comments today, I might make them a little differently.
 

 
 

—Mike Huckabee. Forgetting to say that Madonna's music stunk in 1992.

While this strategy is surely great for fighting the ever inevitable zombie outbreak, the only way to fight AIDS is to use a condom, or close your damn legs.

Necrophilia[edit]

Mike Huckabee is the only potential candidate in the 2008 presidential election to have a stated position on the hot-button issue of necrophilia.

   
 
It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia.
 

 
 

The Huckster

Foreigners[edit]

December: When questioned about an intelligence report in Iran that was all over the news, blogs, and tattooed on the ass of Condi Rice for the world to see, Mike Huckabee seems to have missed it.


   
 
It would have been nice had someone been able to first say, 'here's some things that are going on, that are taking place,'" "That didn't happen...
 

 
 

—Mike Huckabee. Throwing his Staff under the bus .

More like Latter-Day ain't really Christians, amirite?[edit]

Huckabee on Mormons

I know nothing about no other religion

December 12 2007 Huckabee, a Baptist Minister, who has close and personal relationship with god, asked CNN if Mormons believe Jesus and the devil are brothers because he had no idea and was afraid to ask his staff, as they were still busy researching exactly where Iran fell on the Map. He thought it would never be quoted, but CNN has finally figured out a good lulz when they see one. (NOTE: YES MORMONS BELIEVE THIS[1])


   
 
attacking someone's religion is really going too far.
 

 
 

—Huckabee. Pwn’d going too far.

The Constitution[edit]

January 15, 2008 God is talking to Huck again on the campaign trail. This time as a co-editor for the Constitution:


   
 
(Some of my opponents) do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards,.
 

 
 

—Huckabee. Fuck, he's nuts!

The Huckster[edit]

Huckabee as Lulz Killer[edit]

As if anyone would even know who the fuck Bob Newhart is, Huckabee has taken to doing wacky comedy bits on his cell phone, causing unlulzy fail.

As clearly evidenced by the fact that there is no ED article for fucking Bob Newhart.

Wrong number? Or sticking it to Rudy's wife?
Clearly, he is a user of non-traditional fucking fail food processing.
A phone call from God!

Mike Huckabee presidential campaign, 2008[edit]

Endorsements[edit]

He got the call from Chuck Norris, thereby classifying his entire candidacy as old meme. Fortunately, Huckabee's fart jokes appeal to a segment of the population broadly overlapping with Chuck Norris Fact enthusiasts. This is ironic, considering that while Huckabee has the guy who stared in "Missing in Action," John McCain actually WAS fucking missing in action.

Norris, who has been punched in the face too often, seems to have missed Huckabee's political record completely and threw out this oxymoron on his BBQ & Hog Fucking Party Website:


   
 
While he is a man of great political accomplishments, he is cut from a different cloth. He is not a Washington political insider.
 

 
 

—Norris. Old Meme. Crazy Dumbass.

Let the record show that having Chuck Norris in your camp is like having Ron Jeremy throw you a BBQ. It is cool for a second and you might even have sex with a porn star. Then you just want the crazy to go home.

The Iowa Caucus[edit]

On January 3rd, 2008, Huckabee won the Iowa Caucus. This just proves that half the voters in Iowa are afraid of getting the shit kicked out of them by Chuck Norris and/or Gawd. The other half are too afraid to *not* vote for either Hillary or black person.

The New Hampshire primary[edit]

Mike asked Rudy Giuliani if he voted for him.

He was stunned to find out that the former New York mayor was not a registered voter in New Hampshire.

The rest[edit]

Mike Huckabee was the last major GOP primary candidate to drop out. Huckabee won a small handful of states, but nothing too important. After Mitt Romney exited, Huckabee insisted he could win in a head-to-head against John McCain, but got slaughtered by double digits (51.22% to 38.02%) in his last stand state of Texas (which also gave McCain enough delegates to guarantee his nomination), and promptly dropped out after that.

Mike Huckabee presidential campaign, 2016[edit]

He lost. Badly.

Mike Huckabee trivia[edit]

Has nine fingers - told to him by his staff.

Things that make Huckabee Cry[edit]

What to do if you meet Mike[edit]

  • Ask him if he has ever spoken in tongues.
  • Tell him he's a commie.
  • Ask him if he lost weight on Ayds.
  • Break out in an impromptu YMCA.
  • Tell him you loved him in Baby's Day Out.
  • Steal his iPhone.
  • Tell him you "made him" and battle Stephen Colbert.

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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