Mississippi, sometimes referred to as "the South's answer to New Jersey", is a state in which the only numbers lower than the average IQ are the number of teeth people have and the number of days of the year they spend sober. Mississippi is mostly known for its good relations with the northern states and getting visited by hurricanes. It is also notable as the only state where more than 85% of its residents cannot spell their state's name or even find it on a map. No one wants to live in Mississippi and if they tell you any differently, they are a lying cocksucker.
- 1 Geography
- 2 History
- 3 Citizens and their characteristics (Darwin's nightmares)
- 4 Economy (not)
- 5 What you can expect in Mississipi
- 6 Other useless info about a useless place
- 7 State flag (epic win)
- 8 State song (whistle while you don't work)
- 9 People from this state that we can't send back
- 10 Gallery
- 11 See also
There are a few distinct regions of the state. These differ considerably in almost every way. While there hasn't yet been any effort to fence the areas in and patrol them like East and West Germany were, it has been discussed in legislative chambers and will hopefully come to pass some day soon.
The Gulf Coast (low-laying snack for global warming)
The irony is that the further south you go in Mississippi, the more like a northern state it becomes: Paved roads, running water, electricity, libraries, even white people begin to appear more frequently.
The southernmost civilized outpost is Biloxi. Recently, the town was getting all fancy puttin' up hotels and casinos. Its aspirations of becoming civil were so intense, they even considered seceding from the southern confederacy! Plans were made to break the coast off and sail it around Florida, finally docking in New Jersey. Well, God sent along Hurricane Katrina to take it back down a few notches. Detroit burns, Biloxi gets flooded; The Lord works in mysterious ways.
You'll hear this a lot in Mississippi: "The South Will Rise Again". Well, it had better. If global warming keeps up the beachfront will move inland. Don't get me wrong: Mississippi isn't as fucked as Florida or Louisiana but the Gulf Goast is pretty much doomed, an ass-fucking is an ass-fucking and hurting a lot or a little is beside the point. If you're going to visit, do it now; It's sort of like seeing a polar bear before the Arctic vanishes. Soon, it will all be underwater...
This area, snuggled against the river, is one of the worst regions in the whole country. This area would be drastically improved if it was hit by a multi-megaton nuclear bomb or if God's mighty hand came down and (in an act of unmatched wisdom and justness) pushed everyone into the Mississippi River to drown. Poverty here is rampant and eternal, along with disease, illiteracy, unemployment and the like. The military has proving grounds where they test out missiles, jets and bombs and shit. The west coast of Mississippi is also where God tests out the Apocalypse. Frogs raining from the sky, rivers of blood, plagues of locusts... if you're a fan of the "End Times" you can get a taste of it here.
The rest (the wastelands)
The rest of the state is filled with malaria and dinosaurs. The film "The Road Warrior" was filmed here and did such a good job of portraying life in Mississippi that nearly all of its residents still think it was a documentary. After Mel Gibson was proven to be a racist they've only become more convinced.
Pre-history (who cares)
Most of Mississippi is practically the same as when Indians lived here and weren't fucked over. Whether one be looking to racial sensitivity or acceptance of science and non-Christian religions, little has changed in nearly four hundred years. It takes a natural disaster just to raise land values in Mississippi.
Civil War (the party gets started)
Currently, Mississippi is full of old white guys who still can't accept losing a war they were a hundred years too late for. Once a year they all go to a confederate graveyard to shout about the south rising again and piss on a picture of Lincoln. Ah, to live in the old days, when you could kill black people and teach women their place with your fists and no one thought it was wrong.
Well, you can still do the latter without repercussions at least.
Every year Mississippians order a hurricane and send it to New Orleans. This is the state joke; it's not even remotely funny, but that's how Mississippi is. One year someone in Mississippi fucked up and ordered the hurricane but gave their own address (duh) and thus came Katrina, which rolled into the coast like the Huns might have.
Citizens and their characteristics (Darwin's nightmares)
Mississippi is full of 'em. A long time ago the state bought tons of 'scratch and dent' nigras second hand from Africa and gave them slavery / jobs picking cotton. Eventually it became easier to pay Mexicans to work and mow lawns and shit than it was to crack the whips and make the blacks do it so now the state has way too many darkies and doesn't know what the fuck to do with them all. Accordingly Mississippi (read: scared white people) has one of the highest rates of gun ownership in the country. More than 55% of homes have a gun, which is why things are relatively peaceful since you never know who will put a cap in yo' ass.
The state is full of these people too. You can find these people stuck in the 1960's complaining about niggers. Also popular is smoking meth, drinking Dixie beer, wearing camouflage, fantasizing about Daisy Duke in her cut offs, rebuilding their trailer homes and laughing at black people even though, in all honesty, white trash are way sadder and funnier than black people will ever be. Seriously, if you're black you can complain about the KKK, the police, racism, 'the man' keeping you down, not getting your "40 acres and a mule". But if you're white and you only have a few dollars, a drug habit and not even a pen-knife to whittle a stick, you can only blame yourself.
The average Mississippian weighs about as much as a Ford F350 pickup truck. This is due to the fact that they only eat fried foods at one of the many Waffle Houses that have been carpet bombed across the state.
Obesity in Mississippi is not considered a health risk but a way of life to be celebrated and cherished. After the age of 20, males and females are so overweight their genders are no longer discernible. People can no longer wear conventional clothing due to the financial considerations of covering so much area with fabric even when made of astonishingly low quality. It is not uncommon for those who pass through the state to be under the impression that a large number of people use tarps to cover transportation equipment but these are usually just drunken or dead residents who have collapsed in whatever location they found themselves, having either found or stolen said tarp to shelter themselves from the rain, or as a vestigial survival instinct preceding their demise.
One theory of why the state is so backwards is that the size and density of the populace is warping the time-space continuum and slowing down time so that, in fact, it's still only 1933 there.
Education (or lack thereof)
The state has
some of THE lowest spending per pupil and some of THE lowest scoring students in achievement tests.
There are miraculously three colleges in the state (no seriously, not kidding), MSU , Ole Miss(a.k.a. Ole Piss) and Southern Miss, which doesn't really matter anyways because if you even attempt to drive by the college they will just throw a diploma through your window, who have a long-standing rivalry that nobody
outside of the state gives two shits about. This rivalry is continually fueled by the fact that MSU only accepts beer chugging rednecks, while Ole' Miss only accepts pretentious faggots. Top graduates of both go on to bright careers in pool cleaning and yard work.
There are a few sources of cash in the state, one of the most profitable is wandering around looking for loose change on the sidewalk.
There are a few bright spots, Kessler Airforce base provides an outpouring of drunken airmen eager to spend money and get BJ's from toothless hookers. Biloxi's many casinos also does a great job of separating Mississippians from the few dollars they actually have. According to these two facts many schools are offering dual degrees in blackjack dealing and fellatio.
This is a special report from a channel called Al Jazeera - it's a news channel from the middle east. Yeah, shit's so bad in Mississippi that it gets news coverage in the middle fucking east where there is nothing but a couple people, sand and wars. Pretty soon instead of late night commercials featuring starving kids from Africa asking for you to donate money so they can get fresh water and other sad shit they'll start showing kids from Mississippi with flies caked on their eyeballs.
Getting laid (inbreeding)
There are a few family names that you see over and over and over, like Latner/Ladner. There are several theories to this, the leading one being a government program of forced breeding where the regionally distinct southern characteristics are being brought to the fore in such numbers that like roaches it's hoped that some aspect of their unique brand of 'humanity' may be able to survive a nuclear Holocaust occurring there. Rednecks from the state and roaches being fairly difficult to tell apart already.
The other possibility is that rednecks like to 'keep it in the family' which would include their own misinformed sperm.
Religion (getting Jesus)
Mississippi has the most church going people in the country of which you can either be and Evangelical Protestant, a Baptist, or if you can read a little bit a Methodist. A Pew Foundation study found tasty facts affirming the preponderance of religious life in the state.
- Importance of religion in one's life (82% "very important" vs. 56% national average)
- Belief in god (91% "absolutely certain" vs. 71% national average)
- Frequency of church attendance (60% at least weekly vs. 39% national average)
- Interpretation of scripture (64% literal vs. 33% national average)
Which is fucked since Mississippi is such a total wasteland. It almost goes to disprove the very existence of God: every one in the state is going to church and praying and kneeling asking for God's intervention and the whole state is fit for little more than disposing of nuclear waste. There would seem to be an inverse relationship between praying and improving conditions, which is to say: Praying seems to be making things worse. Or perhaps all that praying is the only thing that is keeping the state from bursting into flames.
Lynching (it's not just for breakfast anymore)
Given the importance of religion you might think that oh, you know, one of those ten commandment things might have some relevance in peoples lives but in fact Mississippi only has 9 commandments, the "thou shalt not kill" thing has been scrubbed from the state's bibles so young kids will routinely notch up a lynching or two on their way to school.
Other useless info about a useless place
The roads in Mississippi are not always the best, but at least they're not as bad as that shit you see in Louisiana. Unfortunately it's not the roads that are the problem but the people driving on them, assholes each and every single one of them. It's the only state where people swerve INTO wildlife crossing the road, it's the easiest way to hunt and if you do it just right you can pitch a deer onto the hood and not even need to get out of the truck.
Mississippi is home to exactly zero major sports teams, as in no pro baseball, basketball, football or hockey. Lets put it this way, the state sucks so bad that a shit hole team like the Cubs won't call this place home.
State flag (epic win)
The state flag is the Confederate flag more or less. The flag on the right is the last flag of the Confederate States of America, the one on the left the state flag today - add a bit of blue and nothing much of it has changed since the Civil War. The modern flag is basically begging non-white people to leave but it hasn't seemed to work. Lawmakers are considering adding a gun to the flag to try and get the point across a little stronger.
State song (whistle while you don't work)
For all the shit that is Mississippi, for all that is lacking that this song has even the word Mississippi in it makes up for it all. (not)
Mississippi's chief exports are Pulitzer Prize winners, blues guitarists (because there is lots to be sad about in the state) and low-birth weight babies, among them:
- Lance Bass - Fag from ★NSYNC.
- Jimmy Buffett - The Margaritaville guy
- Bo Diddley - Blues guitarist.
- B. B. King - Blues guitarist.
- Robert Johnson - blues guitarist, sold his soul to the devil, metal heads cream their pants to this idea.
- Muddy Waters - Blues guitarist.
- Brett Farve - Football player that retired and came out of retirement over 9,000 times.
- Jim Henson - Stuck his hand in puppets' butts.
- James Earl Jones - Voice of Darth Vader.
- Morgan Freeman - Voice of Luke Skywalker.
- Elvis Presley - died on the can.
- Tennessee Williams - wrote plays for future theater majors.
- John Grisham - Author
- Rae Sremmurd - Rappers who can't rap.
- Thomas Harris - Wrote The Silence of the Lambs, which totally doesn't suck.
- Leftyrockr - The Only ED user from this state. God help us all.
and last but not least: Oprah Winfrey, yea the most fucked up racist, uneducated state in the country produced Oprah.