Missouri (moar like "Misery", amirite?) is a state in the good ol' USA that is best known for getting constantly destroyed by The Wrath of God and for being Illinois' buttplug. Citizens of this shithole love to insist that it's name is actually pronounced "Missourah" because they all suffer from the form of mental retardation that typically results from both of your parents being siblings. In 2019, Missouri became notable again for becoming the first one of the 49 remaining Union States to completely eliminate the crime of abortion since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision by the Supreme Court declared that murdering unborn babies is perfectly acceptable behaviour in a civilized society.
Many centuries ago, Indians moved into a land west of the Mississippi River. Rather than be consumed by what can only be known as the Indian Rapture that made Indians from what is now East St. Louis disappear, they decided to stay and watch the white man ruin their lives.
The first group of white people to fuck shit up were The French. But then The Spanish moved in for a bit, but thought it was shit so they gave it back to the French. By that time, Napoleon Bonaparte was broke. So as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1802, Missouri was regrettably part of the deal. Thus, when America bought the Louisiana Purchase, they also inherited the Frenchies that lived there. However, rather than resolving the problem, it was more economical to give the Indians AIDS and make the French speak English or they would send them to Mexico for being dirty immigrants.
In 1811, Missouri became a land of teh LULZ as the strongest earthquake in North America east of the Rockies occured shaking things up and knocking things down. If that wasn't enough, it happened again in 1812.
Then the Civil War came. Missouri, being a new state with slaves, wasn't in the mood to leave the Union. So as part of the Missouri Compromise, Missouri got to be a slave state and a Union State, which was kind of awkward for St. Louisians who won and lost the war at the same time. One of the catalysts of the civil war was the Dred Scott Case, where some nigger named Dred Scott tried to play the game and lost.
When the War was over, Mark Twain wrote a few books that trolled some conservative parents whose great-grandchildren would be soccer moms; who to this day he still trolls.
Missouri's usefulness quickly expired after that, and in 1947 a final solution was made to build the largest coat hanger to abort the state. However, by 1965, the governmenet ran out of money to build a dumpster to put the body and left St. Louis with an Arch in their downtown area.
As of 2010, Missouri has once again become a useless shitpile thanks to Governor's Matt Blunt and now Jay Nixon.
It is fact that there are niggers in both Kansas City and St. Louis. So much so, as a final solution, in 1947, a plan was enacted by President Truman to abort the city of St. Louis by constructing a giant coat hanger. However, by the time the project was finished in 1965, there wasn't any money to construct a giant dumpster to dispose of the bodies. That and the Archbishop wrote a letter to the Pope. So as an alternative, White people started moving to St. Charles.
Meanwhile, out in rural Missouri, Jed Clampet found oil and moved to Beverly...Hills, that is.
With the Clampets in California, Fred Phelps moved in to create his own version of The Venus Project with the help of various Southern Baptists, to create a wholesome family environment in the Ozarks. In the process, it was decided that everyone take a shit in the Lake of the Ozarks so that the E-Coli levels could be off the chart, and no one could fucking do anything about it since God gave them this land to keep the niggers, gays, and liberals out. They called this place Branson.
Sometime in the 2000s, Mexicans moved into Missouri. Anyone who lives south of Farmington can't speak English. Then again, just about everyone in that area never spoke any English to begin with. The influx of people speaking Spanish has upset the people who can't speak English and caused them to ask the state to enforce Arizona style immigration laws, which will probably pass without anyone outside of Jefferson City or Columbia noticing given the local media is too busy reporting how some 14 year old girl made up a story about how a baboon was running around the neighborhood.
Whereas Iowa and Kansas are quickly becoming pioneers in wind energy, Missouri attempted to spend $8 Billion on a new nuclear reactor in rural Missouri by attempting to increase everyone's electric bill by 20%. This was shot down by the state legislature and by voters but still AmerenUE got a 8% rate increase to cover things like "environmental regulations". Several attempts have been made by Ameren to get the other 11% so that they can profit from destroying the environment. In Callaway county, the local nuclear plant's waste is (or was) actually disposed of by being buried not too far underground. Judging by the frequent tornadoes the state gets every year, let alone the New Madrid Fault, it's a god damned miracle the state hasn't turned into a radioactive wasteland. Really though, it's not like the state doesn't already look like a wasteland once winter hits.
Because the people in Kansas City and St. Louis are unclean jungle people, their bus service has been discontinued. However, if you happen to live in Springfield or Cape Girardeau, all you have to do is call Jesus and either Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh will receive the work order to take you to work, so as long as you believe in Ronald Reagan.
Alternatively, white people have the uncanny ability to grow wings and fly to where they need to go, so as long as their children don't have Assburgers or listen to anything other than Hannah Montana.
If you thought Oklahoma was the most bland and boring state in the country, you are sorely mistaken. Probably only beaten by Idaho, Montana, and the Dakotas, there is absolutely nothing to do in Missouri besides love Jesus and follow everything Rush Limbaugh says to the T. It is a vacuous black hole that turns everyone into a apathetic redneck, nigger, or any other lazy waste of space. Ironically, Missouri is nicknamed the Show-Me state, in part because the citizens are too stupid or high to believe anything anyone else says. However, even if you show proof of your claims, chances are they still won't believe you because "it's not good enough." The favorite past-times of Missourians include the aforementioned getting high, drinking Budweiser, blaming other races for their own ineptitude, and getting fat from eating McDonalds and White Castle 5 times a day. Obviously, the name itself was just someone calling this place "misery" with a funny accent.
- Urban Missouri (Missouri) where fried chicken is worshiped.
- Rural Missouri (Missourah) where Saint Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died for your sins.
In Urban Missouri, you can buy crack on a street corner. In Rural Missouri, children fulfill the hopes and dreams of their children, by selling meth from a lemonade stand and making sure the police don't fine the bodies hidden beneath the double wide trailer. And you can buy crack on a street corner.
Awful Shit That Has Come From Missouri
- Alex Linder
- Alyssa Bustamante
- Bill Mitchell
- Brett Keane
- Casey Brezik
- Cynthia Davis
- Dwayne Holloway
- Glenn Miller - Former KKK Leader running for US Senate. He isn't bashful about it.
- Gregg A. Miller
- James Stephens
- John Ashcroft - One of Alex Linder's friends. Also lost the 2000 Missouri Senator Election to a dead guy. Dubya felt bad for him so he became his first Attorney General where he displayed proudly what a complete faggot by covering up all the statues in Washington, DC that had exposed bewbs.
- Kansas City Royals
- Kit Bond - Retired, thank God!
- Lake of the
- Lila Perry
- Matt Bartle
- No more strip clubs in Missouri, beer being served at strip clubs, or strip clubs open after midnight. (Thanks, Matt Bartle! Good thing this is your last term!)
- Matt Blunt - Roy Blunt's son. Called "Missouri's Dubya".
- Megan Meier and Lori Drew
- Michael J. Devlin
- Peter Kinder -- Lieutenant Governor of Missouri. Because he is a Republican under a Democratic governor, guess what he does all day? Pete is also butthurt because Jay Nixon called off his statewide bike race pet project so that mentally ill people wouldn't kill him and get help at the constantly underfunded Missouri Department of Mental Health. Pete also like to take credit for being against President Obama's new healthcare system.
- Puppy Mills - Generally most of these places are run by sick fucks.
- Rev. Terry Jones
- Roy Blunt - Biggest receiver of lobbyist money especially from the oil industry. Replacing Kit Bond. Despite his notorious record of corruption, Missourah picked him to be Senator to fight Black Jesus. Yeah, we are retarded.
- Rush Limbaugh - Fucked off to Florida first chance he got.
- Schaun Bishop
- St. Louis Rams
- Those sick fucks from Kansas City who raped and murdered all those kids
- Wyatt Nelson a.k.a. Rider - The dickshit who made hijacking Facebook pages popular.
- Yakov Smirnoff is not from Missouri, Missouri is from him!
Cool things to come out of Missouri
- Boulevard and Schlafly
- Chuck Berry
- Dead niggers
- Mark Twain
- Meth in the drive thru, almost.
- YouTube spam
- Missouri Information Analysis Center - One of many fusion centers that has a file on you.
- Case.NET- ]This site helps me blackmail and extort people. Excellent source of docs
- Missouri Sex Offender Registry
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