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Monica Lewinsky

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Monica Jewinsky is a fat Jewish prostitute best known for having had buttsecks and oral sex with President Bill Clinton.


Contents

Childhood

Monica was born in 1973 in San Francisco, California, to parents Mel Gibson and Barbara Streisand. She had early experience in spreading her legs for dirty old men:


   
 
I was there at the beginning. I kissed that little girl's inner thighs when she was six days old--I said, 'Look at those little poulkes."
 

 
 

—Jew lawyer William H. Ginsburg, who paid Monica's parents to give the portly pepperpot a bris

After sucking off her entire high school football team (because who wants to fuck a fatty, right?) and fucking her high school drama teacher Andy Bleiler, Monica moved to Washington, DC to fulfil her life's ambitions: (1) Become an unpaid intern and (2):


   
 
I'm going to get my presidential kneepads
 

 
 

Monica Lewinsky, 1995

Monica Lewinsky

Scandal

Republicans had hoped to catch Bill Clinton in an extramarital affair in order to impeach him. After Clinton spurned Ann Coulter, they realized that he was not interested in anorexic transsexuals. Figuring Bill liked the power a guy gets in impressing a chunky, awkward chick, they hired Monica for the job instead. Monica had a White House job arranged as a janitor, but her extensive experience with the wet/dry vac made her a natural choice.

Both sides of the political aisle were outraged. Democrats were upset that their hero Bill Clinton couldn't score any better tail; and Republicans were upset they weren't getting lunchtime BJs from their interns.

Clinton was quickly charged with a variety of crimes- from perjury, to obstruction of justice; to "dude, you fucked that?". The charges were eventually dropped, however, when President Clinton threatened to have Hillary testify on his behalf, and prosecutors decided they didn't want to be reminded of just how lousy this guy's taste in women is.

Current Wherabouts

Attention whores are like herpes: once they start riding the media's cock, they never go away. Addicted to the attention, these whores keep coming back for their fix. So it is with Monica, who just never gets the hint that 1) she's a whore and 2) we all want whores to STFU and GTFO once their (blow)job is done.

Monica's First Attention Whore Tour 1999-2004

Lewinsky used the political connections she earned to get hired on as some fag marketer for a designer purse company; and to create her own line of designer purses, bags, and knee pads.


   
 
Her handbags, made of cloth in a "hippie chic" style, are sold at Henri Bendel in Manhattan, at Fred Segal Melrose in West Hollywood, Calif., and on her Web site, therealmonicainc.com. I originally wanted to use Monicainc.com, but that was taken by a whorehouse, she said. A friend said, 'What about The Real Monica Inc.?' and I thought, 'O.K.'
 

 
 

Monica Lewinsky (Jew York Times June 25, 2000)

Despite the obvious saleability of a product line created by a fatty who's only claim to fame is that she was a convenient cumdumpster to a horny old politician, the product line failed, big. After sitting on the racks for years collecting dust, they were given to the homeless. By 2004, the faggots at Vogue Magazine officially declared Monica's handbag-venture dead. Monica would need a new vehicle for her attention-seeking, since Jenny Craig dumped the slut after she failed to cut down on her cum-guzzling.

2004-2006: Monica receives Mastur's Degree

In December 2006, Monica waddled across a graduation stage to receive a degree from the London School of Economics. The title of Monica's thesis was: "In Search of the Impartial Juror: An exploration of the third person effect and pre-trial publicity."

How could a woman who barely scraped a 2.00 GPA at Lewis & Clark College, and is unable to spell the word "public," received admission to the prestigious British university, an admissions dean replied: "Superior oral skills."

2012: "I'M WRITING A TOP-SECRET BOOK!!1" Monica blabbed

In 2012, Monica Lewinsky was said to be writing a book, with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings.

The book deal fell through, though, when Monica insisted on writing the manuscript with a jizzfilled quill pen.

2013: Monica Lewinsky "Guards Her Privacy"

LULZ were to be had when Time Magazine trumpted Monica's 40th birthday with this "head"-line:


   
 
Now 40, Monica Lewinsky Guards Her Privacy
 

 
 

Time Magaine, July 23, 2013

The article went on to chronicle Lewinsky's history of shamelessly whoring for media-attention, just in time for her next re-re-re-branding:

Monica's Attention Whore Tour 2014-2015

Despite the fact that the world would be grateful if she died in a fire, Monica Lewinsky re-surfaced to attention whore some moar in 2014, first with some interviews...


MonicaLewinskyNYPostSmall.jpg


And then she gave an TED talk overflowing with attention whoring, dramafag kikeness:

   
 
Some of you might be asking, ‘Who the hell is she, this Monica, and what is she doing here?’ Or maybe even, ‘What is she doing in all of those Rap lyrics?’ Thank you, Beyoncé and Eminem. And Nicki Minaj. And Kid Cudi. Lil B and Lil Wayne. And of course G-Eazy, but let’s not forget Jeezy and all the rest.”
 

 
 

—Famewhore Monica Lewinsky, TED talk, March 23, 2015

She also opened a twitter...though she still has fewer followers than Duke pornslut Miriam Weeks. People pretty much snickered and sneared at Monica's Jewishy attention-seeking.


   
 
Monica Lewinsky is doomed.
 

 
 

Some dumb media oldfag, 2014

Videos

See Also

External Links

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Monica Lewinsky is part of a series on Dying Alone

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Monica Lewinsky
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