As the tropical jungles of the world are being destroyed by farmers and oil companies, what will happen to all the animals? No need to worry - thousands of Americans have come to the rescue by "adopting" baby monkeys born in the USA. These little apes known as Monkids (a portmanteau of "monkey" and "kid") are produced in factory-farm conditions, mostly in Florida and other janky-ass states, brutally ripped away from their mothers when three days old, and sold for $10,000 to "empty-nest" middle-aged ladies as well as to families with young children who think that having a violent, criminally insane beast leaping around and biting everyone's faces would be super fun. The monkeys, which they call "monkids," are forced to live like human infants for a few months or years until their natural insane viciousness becomes too much and the "parents" have to off-load them to other retards who couldn't afford to buy a brand-new fresh baby monkey, and need to get a used one.
Who buys them?
Predictably, the retards are all pretty sure that they are doing their part to make the world a better place by attempting to humanize their monkids, and even buying & selling them, the same way they keep their cats and dogs healthy by feeding them vegetarian diets. However, their logic is more faulty than even Sea Kittens logic. The main reason for eco-retards to buy monkids is that zoos are simply overflowing with baby monkeys, despite the fact their species are going extinct.
—Randy Davies, retard and animal trafficker
Randy, owner of Monkeybreeder.com, "Where you can buy monkeys and other exotic animals at wholesale prices," adds the following:
HI MY NAME IS RANDY DAVIES. I HAVE PUT TOGETHER A PROGRAM THAT WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO PUT AN EXOTIC AND WILD NATIVE ANIMAL BUSINESS TOGETHER. IN THIS PROGRAM YOU WILL FIND OUT HOW TO GET LICENSED, FIND EXOTIC ANIMALS, BUY EXOTIC ANIMALS, MAKE MONEY WITH EXOTIC ANIMALS, HOW TO OWN AN EXOTIC ANIMAL IF YOUR STATE SAYS NO AND HOW TO GET EXOTIC ANIMALS AT A LOW COST OR FOR FREE. THIS PROGRAM WILL SHOW YOU OVER 21 DIFFERENT WAYS ON HOW TO MAKE MONEY WITH EXOTIC ANIMALS. FIND OUT WHAT'S HOT! WHAT ANIMALS ARE MAKING THE BIG MONEY! CAN'T FIND THE ANIMAL YOU ARE LOOKING FOR? WELL NOW YOU HAVE. I HAVE A LIST OF OVER 5500 BUSINESSES THAT DEAL IN MAMMALS WITHIN THE 50 STATES OF THE UNITED STATES. JUST IMAGINE THE DEALS YOU CAN GET. IT’S LIKE FINDING A TREASURE CHEST. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEARCH THE INTERNET AGAIN FOR MAMMALS. THAT'S WHAT I WILL BE TEACHING YOU ABOUT IN THIS PROGRAM. I WILL ALSO SHOW YOU WAYS OF BUYING AND GETTING EXOTIC ANIMALS FOR CHEAP OR EVEN FOR FREE.
The truth is, though, that any talk of ecology, concern for our vanishing wildlife, etc. etc. is merely an excuse to rationalize and justify these idiots' bizarre desire for an oh-so-darling little monkid.
Most of the women who buy monkids are either middle-aged and childless or twenty-something breeders with an insatiable desire to endlessly change shitty diapers. Monkids are the perfect choice for these women as they are the perfect combinations of dolls and cats, something which is both fluffy and they can dress up.
The theory is that harvesting a newborn infant monkey away from its dear loving mother will help it to "bond" with its new "mom," so that she and her monkid can live happily ever after until one of them dies of old age. The reality is what any reasonable person could have told them, and probably did tell them. The traumatized young monkey, not having its own instinct for suicide, will make human life a living hell and will probably kill or maim someone unless the people stuff it into a suitcase where it belongs and throw it off a bridge.
Cute makes up for irrational and disgusting
I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER
Still cuter than Haitians.
Back to school.
Advantages of owning a monkid
Of course, it may be cruel, but that doesn't mean it's illegal. There are actually some ways that having a monkid around the house could make your life a whole lot more chill. It wouldn't be too bad to have a slave to run and fetch you things from the refrigerator, while you kick back and watch TV. It is even possible to outfit the simian with a little battery-bowered belt, with which you could administer a mild electric shock by remote control, if the monkey begins to slack off or fetches you the wrong item. Later, just lock it in its cage with a banana and some dog kibble, and your work is done.
One restaurant owner realized that putting his pet monkeys to work could make tons of money for him. As a bonus, since the owner is a Jap, he can eat the monkey when it grows too old to work.
Disadvantages of owning a monkid
Like their larger descendants most monkids will eventually turn on their owners once they reach sexual maturity, which comes much sooner than in humans. Many a 5-year old girl in a monkid-owning family has awakened to an unexpected session of monkey bukkake.
Another disadvantage of owning a monkid (particularly for women) is that unlike dolls, when changing their diapers and scrapping off the shit they flung onto the walls gets boring there is little they can do about it. Monkids can be placed in cages, preferably in total darkness, but they tend to make a lot of noise and break easily. Some lucky owners will however do not have aggressive monkeys but insted find them with their own tails wrapped around their necks.
Monkids are also highly popular among celebrities, most notably in 2006 when Madonna adopted a child from Africa. As with all cases of monkid adoptions the public were initially concerned that it should remain in the wild with it's father. There was also the issue of whether like Travis the chimp (see below) her monkid would become dangerous when it grows up, as many of their adults are.
Despite this, following her example many other celebrities have decided to adopt black babies - such as Sandra Bullock and Angelina Jolie.
Travis the Killer Chimp
In 2009 a psychotic diaper-wearing chimpanzee with a history of violence called Travis (a.k.a. "Furious George) re-created the scene from his favorite movie "Face/Off" by inexplicably attacking his owner's friend. During the media sensation, which followed, many people asked if it was right for people to adopt wild animals and treat them like hairy toddlers.
Most monkid owners secretly agreed that it was dangerous, having experienced the bizarre tantrums of their own monkids. The knew they had really made mistakes in buying their monkids, but were too embarrassed to admit it. The more clever of the retards began to place ads to get rid of the monkids.
- National Geographic: My Child is a Monkey
- My Monkey Baby
- Chimps for sale
- Pet chimp maims neighbor
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals