| KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!
Morons, or members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joseph Smith, a horny conman and Freemason, in 1830. Smith decided that traditional Christianity wasn't fucking stupid enough, so he set out to create the most retarded religion in mankind's history, which surpasses even Scientology in terms of absurdity. The early church grew through charismatic public speeches and fervent missionary work which eventually came to promote polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct) as the recruitment drive grew more ferociously fucked up. In a brilliant employment of trolling for his own gain, Joseph realized that the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers' persecution complex.
The result is that wherever they are, Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average. The only clear answer is that Joseph Smith was doing it for the lulz (and to fuck his cousin). Britfag nutter and DMT enthusiast David Icke says the LDS Church is obsessed with genealogy not for the purpose of doing ordinances for all corpses but to track their own shapeshifting reptoid bloodlines.
- 1 The full and proper title of the Lord's church
- 2 Theology
- 3 Beliefs
- 4 The one and only true church in the universe
- 5 History
- 6 Christ's church
- 7 White people think they've reached the ocean in California and stop
- 8 Notable Mormons
- 9 Modern Mormon Culture
- 10 Stuff They Pwn
- 11 This is what Utahns actually believe
- 12 Tithing
- 13 Recruiting
- 14 No Mormon Knows My History
- 15 Criticism
- 16 Trolling Mormons IRL
- 17 Trolling Mormons OL
- 18 Emma Smith wanted your child to die from seizures
- 19 Other made up religions compared to Mormonism
- 20 See Also
- 21 External links
The full and proper title of the Lord's church
Mormonism, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints And A Dozen Crazy Splinter Groups That Are Clearly False Because Obviously And I Know This Church Is True, is the "family values"/Men's Wearhouse arm of the pedophilic Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy. PAY LAY ALE! PAY LAY ALE! Strength in the navel and marrow in the bones!
- Invent crazy story about golden tablets, magic specs, lost tribes, visions of God, etc.
- Convince gullible hicks, thieves and whores that your story is true.
- As cult leader, use story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want.
- Get killed by angry mob.
- Resurrection time!
- Repeat steps 3 through 5.
- Live like a hippy commune without the drugs, also no alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and fun.
Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL;DR, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people for Joseph Smith to find.
Other Mormon beliefs include:
- Baptism for the Dead, so you can still baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing holocaust victims without consent from their families.
- Mandatory Temple work. One of the rituals is called Endowment, and that is where they get those fantastic underpants.
- The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol, or tobacco comes from.
- The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began, the Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri (srsly).
- Temple Recommends are necessary to get into Mormon temples and perform required useless functions to get into (Celestial heaven®)(premium heaven) since they are the only self-righteous people allowed to go to premium heaven. It is a verification issued by the bishop that verifies you have paid 10% of your salary to the LDS organization.
- The children of Adam and Eve needed incest to propagate the species (srsly).
- Doctrine of Eternal Progression, the reward for a race well run:
- For the price of your earthly life, you too can become the winnar of an eternal vacation to your very! own! PLANET!
- Find a hawt goddess bitch, lock her away, raep her until her eyes bleed,
- and watch her spit out billions of spirit-children, all ready to fight to the death for another chunk of rock!
- (For a limited time. Not valid with any other offer. Offer not valid in Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, or anywhere outside the Milky-Way Galaxy.)
In addition to the King James Version of the Bible, Mormons reckon three other books holy writ: the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon contains the aforementioned tale of the Mexican Jews (or Mews) . The D&C contains "revelations" proclaimed by Joseph Smith and other church leaders; i.e., the shit they made up as they went along. The Pearl of Great Price is the least tl;dr of the three and by far the most batshit insane—allegedly translated from a set of ancient Egyptian documents, it discusses, among other things, how God lives on a big-ass distant planet called Kolob. What they won't tell you is that The Book of Mormon has undergone over 4000 edits since the original 1830 edition (not bad for the "most perfect book ever written!").
The one and only true church in the universe
Mormonism is a very
successful wealthy American cult that combines the aprons and Masonry of Babylon and the US Founding Fathers, the multiple young brides and prohibition of intoxicants and Patriarchy and pedophilia and turbans of Islam, the tithing of ancient Mesopotamian god-kings, the corporatism and Zionism and priestly vestments of Judaism, the Anglo-Israelism and belief in the restoration of the Hebrews of the criminally insane Richard Brothers and also the New Israelites, the spiritual wifery and prophecy and apocalypticism of the Norwich Separates such as Nathaniel Wood, the fortune-hunting and spiritual wifery of the Immortalists of Blackstone Valley, the divining and treasure-digging of criminal counterfeiter Justus Winchell, the tax-exempt status of non-profit organizations, the suit and tie and capitalism and real estate of Wall Street, the communal fields and orchards of Communism, and the baptism and title and scripture of Christianity as far as it is translated correctly by people who were not American Indian treasure hunters looking into stones in a hat.
Each of those things doesn't contain the whole truth, but Mormonism has the whole shoot 'n match since each of them were missing magic Masonic underwear, although oogabooga sigils are nothing new in Judaism or Satanism (referring to Devil Worshipping drawfags, not secular edgemeisters). Satanists who have converted to Mormonism argue that Mormonism is a copypasta of Satanism or Luciferianism, possibly due to all the inverted pentagrams, or maybe the belief that humans are God incarnate (or at least able to become gods and godesses like God who is an exalted man), although that would match polygamist Brigham Young's (now disavowed) doctrine that Adam was God. LDS prophet #2 Brigham Young said many things now disavowed by the LDS Church, but trust us, he was a Prophet and the rightful heir to the line of Mormon succession unlike some relative of dead founder Joseph Smith.
After several failed scams, Joseph Smith struck a home run. Deciding that people believed him enough that he could start fucking with their sex lives, Joseph successfully renewed the Christian tradition of polygamy. Jealous of all the hot Mormon sex going on, and in fear of losing their own women to the orgy, hicks began shooting Mormons in retaliation for Mormon's shooting them while trying to claim the holy land of Missouri, and the Mormons got kicked out. Joseph was eventually killed, and the wagon trains fled to Utah, where they murdered travelers, blamed Indians, and were stuck with Mexicans. Those Indians became white people if they converted and married enough wives but lost the status when they died (see below).
Connor, head of the California Volunteers and bitter about leading a massacre of American Indians on their behalf, accurately characterized the Morons of the 1850s as "traitors, murderers, fanatics and whores."
Jesus was a Mormon, and on Jesus's two year mission for the Mormon Church in his 30s he cut his hair and shaved his beard and wore temple garments under a suit and had twelve companions as the District Leader of Jerusalem and was known as Elder Christ. Jesus was "Golden" and was baptized a Mormon after only the First Discussion by Mormon John the Baptist who got the priesthood from his elder companion, a Mormon angel, possibly the Mormon archangel Michael, or maybe it was
the Holy Ghost a Mormon dove who dropped the priesthood from the sky. Not to be confused with the priesthood that Jews cut off babies.
Anyway, angels aren't allowed to do that to people anymore, so people with hands need to do that for them. Angels could only give the priesthood to Adam and John the Baptist and Joseph Smith. But not Jesus. There are two flavors of priesthood in Mormonism, the Aaronic and the Melchizedek, because everyone knows that Aaron and Melchizedek were bigger than Jesus. Jesus received the Aaronic priesthood and the Melchizedek priesthood from I don't know, his Dad? It's what allowed him to cure armadillos of leprosy and make cripples walk and give sight to the blind and exorcise evil spirits into pigs and multiply bread. Moses and Noah and Abraham and Adam and God were also Mormons.
Oh and after Jesus was crucified and after he talked to Paul to get the whole Inquisition/Catholic pederast ball rolling, Jesus flew to America and went on an adult mission with Injuns and made three Indians Highlander Mormons or some shit. These Three Nephites would ensure that the Gospel™ would never leave the Earth, until Joseph Smith realized it had left the Earth because the Indians were wicked lazy no-good Lysol drinking bums, which had nothing to do with a white invasion based on a belief in divine Manifest Destiny. Which meant little ol' Joey Smith was The One who had to save humanity which meant building churches, destroying printing presses, having sex with dozens of women, and being shot by an angry mob. Just like Jesus did.
White people think they've reached the ocean in California and stop
After being chased out of every other state, when the polygamist beardman Brigham Young arrived in the Great Basin and saw a wondrous
fresh water lake remnant of the ancient Lake Bonneville and croaked "this is the place" from his blanketed decrepitude, he chose the location for his hated people for its abundance of dinosaur bones which would finally prove the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. He also liked the location for its disposable indigenous population because their dark skin meant they had turned away from Jesus after Jesus flew to America and taught them Mormonism. Many white pioneers died on the way to Utah because they couldn't wait a few years for a railroad to be built, and they didn't know how to live off the land like the stupid savages, and they were out of their depth like most tourists. But due to turning women into baby factories and learning how to survive from wicked Lamanites and continuing to arrive like Irish locusts, the pasty white settlers survived.
- Harry Reid (Senate Majority Leader, goddammit, fuck, they're taking over our government!!)
- Steve Young (Homosexual quarterback...of the San Francisco 69'ers).
- Andy Reid (Failed coach of Philadelphia Eagles).
- Mitt Romney (The man who will defeat Obama in 2012. Wow, we trade a black guy for a fucking mormon. God Bless America!!)
- Glenn Beck (The Mormon's answer to Scientology nutcase Tom Cruise).
- Sam from iCarly (though she is currently fucking a Jew and dabbling in alternative secret societies.)
- Philo Farnsworth (Invented television so he could avoid talking to his 16 wives).
- Nolan Bushnell (invented video games, and lowered the average attention span of the world).
- Billy Barty.
- The Osmonds/Donny & Marie (invented homosexuality).
- Gladys Knight (converted, obvi.)
- Orson Scott Card—former Mormon missionary; famous for bad science-fiction novels inspired by watching Space Invaders; repeated dealings with Hollywood turned him into a one-man anti-marriage trolling machine who lives to troll teh ghey, with a minor in science-fiction fandom. States that he is a reasonable and unbigoted man and that he invented the blog; both statements equally credible.
- Stephenie Meyer (the genius behind the bestselling series Twilight). Watch for her pill-fuelled public flameout and embarassing suicide, which with any luck will be aped by her legion of fans.
- Sir Richard Branson, owner and director of the virgin group (The dude who owns Virgin Airlines and Virgin Mobile and all that shit).
- Lots of pale, blue-eyed honeys with milk-white skin, braided hair the color of ripe wheat, and child-bearing hips.
- That crappy band The Killers, led by Brandon Flowers.
- Aaron Eckhart, who played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight. He spent two years of his life trying to convert people while on his mission in France and Switzerland.
- David Archuleta from American Idol.
- This MILF 
- Founder of the Marriott and Hyatt Hotel chains.
- founder of JCPenney.
- Founder of Delta Airlines.
- Founder of A&W root beer.
- All the founders are.
- Mormon Jesus!!!
- Virtually everyone from Utah except the Jonas brothers (Christian fundies) and a token Jew Roseanne Barr-Arnold.
Modern Mormon Culture
In the 1830’s, when men's pants were first tailored with buttons visible down the front of the fly, the Mormon leader Brigham Young discouraged the population from wearing them, calling them “fornication pants.” To this day, Mormons still hate button-fly jeans. Mormons refer to each other as "Brother" or "Sister", which is why black people stay the hell away. The second to last thing black people want to be called by a cracker is "Brotha". Mormon social life centers on the church and family. Men have priestly responsibilities in and out of the home. Women attend relief society which sounds like whoring but is basically church-sanctioned gossip hour. Women also participate in home visiting to collect gossip. College age students attend "singles ward", which helps keep those with inquiring minds from making normal friends. This keeps Mormon behavior stable from about 14 until 30 or marriage, whichever comes first. Youth activities include:
- Frottage during NCMO (non-committal make out).
- Watching lame Mormon movies because anything above a PG-13 rating is an abomination.
- STILL quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Wait, they still do that ...? What a bunch of frickin' IIIDiots ... wait, fuck!
- Mormon girls spend all their parents Mexican Jew cash on make up and plastic surgery.
There are several Mormon-chartered universities, the best-known of which is undoubtedly Brigham Young University. Along with mandatory courses on reformed Egyptian, Urim and Thummim, and One Bad Apple, funky disco dancing is widely practiced by the many cute, round-faced teens with great hair who attend.
- Moron Tabernacle Choir
- State of Utah
- Marriott International (Including everything from Ritz-Carlton Hotels to College cafeteria food)
- A good slice of Wikipedia
- In 2008 the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had a major coup in mounting a power-play for chairmanship of the Wikimedia Foundation. Their get-out-the-vote campaign among the many Mormon Wikipedians got their man, Michael Snow, an "elder" and former missionary in Germany, elected chairman.
- Gay Marriage
- BattleStar Galactica (Mormons in Space) and Knight Rider (no relation to Mormon Motown diva Gladys Knight). But seriously, look up Glen A. Larson.
- Freedumb of Speech, They use a MAGIKULL DEVICE that censors "inappropriate" scenes and "cuss" words in movies. Watch a good movie with this thing. Oh wait. There'd be no movie. GET OUT
Gallery of Mormon Movies
The biggest goal of The Church today is PLEASE DON'T THINK WE'RE WEIRD. Even though Mormons typically pride themselves on being a "peculiar people." It's just more of their persecution complex. General Conference is basically PR damage control for all the media messages that reveal how fucking bizarre their ideology is. That's why General Conference won't take you into the deep end or old doctrine, but only present a shiny happy sanitized image to the world. Meet the Mormons is a
"documentary" propaganda film produced by the LDS Church to show the world that WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU AND WE DON'T HATE BLACK PEOPLE.
Since Mormons believe in a living Prophet, they believe Christ's church is a "living religion", meaning it can be changed at whim, according to new "revelations" of course. That's how they can ignore everything any leader said before. Any criticism or negativity from someone regarding teachings must derive from their wickedness.
This is what Utahns actually believe
Every person born in Utah believes all of the following, unless they started smoking cigarettes in junior high school or they're gay, then they are merely well familiar with the stories but no longer believe them, unless they are so delusionally gay that they think Heavenly Father will allow sodomites and Gamorons to be sealed in the temple some day.
Jesus, American missionary
Contrary to the belief that Jesus arrived in America with Columbus, Jesus himself went on an American tour long before that, after he was crucified. The story of Whitey coming to America is well known in Mesoamerican religions in the story of the Feathered Serpent. Known as Quetzalcoatl by the Aztecs (Nephites), Kukulkan by the Yucatec Maya (Lamanites), and the Tohil by the K'iche' Maya (Jaredites), you can see that tales of the Feathered Serpent is archaeological evidence for
Jesus Raptor Jesus coming to America. Archaeology, including dinosaur fossils which were placed all over Utah by The Adversary, is kind of a sore subject for Mormons and Mormon apologists, but that won't stop them from taking gullible people on tour to Book of Moran historical sites like Missouri or New York, where Indians buried gold plates, containing tales of elephants in America, golden plates which are now in a Mormon museum nowhere to be found for some strange reason. Because when the time is right it the fraud will all be revealed, brothers and sisters. Mormons believe the most recent common ancestor of humanity, the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and the serpent and the apple, was in buttfuck Missouri. Yes, ask a Mormon today about how the Garden of Eden was in Mizzurruh, then wonder how Jesus, descendant of Adam, ended up in Jerusalem. Oh wait, I bet Noah built the Ark in North America with trees from the region and after 40 days and 40 nights of rain and another 40 days of the worldwide Great Flood, Noah ended up in either the Levant, or Mount Judi in Iran, or the volcano of Mount Ararat in Turkey. Also, Noah's son Ham turned into a negro like Cain, because everyone knows black people can't swim. And then the sea level went down from Mount Ararat levels because, um, God made glaciers and deep sea trenches sucked it all up with a giant vacuum?
Joseph Smith, archaeologist
Joseph Smith was a great lover of archaeology and had the scrying stones to prove it. More precisely, Joseph Smith found his own Urim and Thummin for divination just like The Bible talks about, and it's not like he had ever used seeing stones before that to look for gold or treasure just like Jesus loved doing. But The Bible is full of errors because when ancient Biblical scrolls are found in clay jars, you just can't trust that sort of thing, just like all the dinosaur fossils littered around Utah. The fossils are there because when God or Jesus or Michael or every soul made planet Earth he took parts from other planets that had dinosaur graveyards or living dinosaurs, or maybe he grabbed some astronaut dinosaurs in space who's to say?, and combined pre-existing matter to make Earth with it. But what you can trust is golden plates made by Indians in their smelters because they had so much gold they used it to write on (or maybe it was brass, let's go check, oh wait) in that well-known North American written language from 400 AD, reformed Egyptian, since Jews who made pre-Columbian trans-oceanic contact with North America brought the Egyptian language with them but when the Jews evolved into Native Americans and brought all their haplogroups with them it became reformed Egyptian, and because pre-Columbian Native Americans living in New England were so well-known for keeping written records, especially about elephants in North America, and especially on metal rather than carving petroglyphs on rock walls like pictures of historical supernovas, or the petroglyphs scattered around Utah.
Lest you think the idea of Jews evolving into Native Americas is absurd, Cyrus H. Gordon argued that Jews crossed the Atlantic in antiquity, based on the Bat Creek inscription found in Tennessee in 1889 and now in the Smithsonian which contains Paleo-Hebrew letters and it's totally not a hoax or fraud or forgery based on an illustration from an 1870 Masonic book. Huh, there's that Mason thing again. Moving on, the metal plates compiled by Macaroni were found in a stone or iron box (since Native Americans were heavily involved with blacksmithing and well-known for leaving behind time capsules) in a tell in New York called Cum-more-a where an angel of The Devil named Moron-I directed a teen boy to wear black clothes and ride a black horse to dig up 14 centuries of sediment by himself which was easy to do because it was only 3 feet down.
When you're a Native American with Jewish ancestors and you write the most important metal book on Earth about Jesus visiting America which is necessary for the Plan of Salvation and the souls of all of humanity, you're gonna need to bury it with a pre-Colombian sword and shield and magical glasses and hide them for 1,400 years until a boy prospector comes along who speaks reformed Egyptian with the help of seeing stones. Later on, eleven people allegedly saw the plates but nobody thought to take any rubbings and nobody has seen them since because when some but not all of the plates had been translated by one person they needed to be buried again because wait there's more, God is planning a sequel. When some evil meddling bitch Whore of Babylon took some of the translated texts and asked Joseph Smith to retranslate them, he couldn't because
she lacked faith God hates women because Eve, which is why they bleed everywhere and age like milk. The metal plates aren't on display in a museum because it's a test of faith and Heavenly Father loves tests. They're still buried until the time is right. And evil and pain and suffering and natural disasters exist because hurricanes have free agency to rip you a new asshole, and life on Earth is a Test in a destructible body, which James Foley found out. But all is well. For every missionary who dies in a traffic accident, their soul flies back to Jesus because there are more important things to do in Heaven than being tested on Earth, like telepathically communicating with first responders or search and rescue crews.
In the pre-existence, before anything existed, before existence, before you lived on Earth, we were all ghosts who lived with The Great Spirit and I guess there was a Heavenly Mother but don't talk about her or you'll be excommunicated, and I guess things just got boring in Heaven so God decided he would come up with a Test and put spirits into bodies on a planet full of violence and death in order to test their love for him. Like a guy in a lab coat making a rat run through a maze and shocking it to see if the mouse really loves him. Whether God created the spirits or the spirits have always existed is kind of a WHOA WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU? But clearly as "spirit children", your soul didn't exist until ghost sex where ghost sperm was deposited in a ghost vagina and encountered a ghost egg and ghost fertilization and ghost pregnancy and a ghost delivery with a ghost afterbirth.
Report to Earth for The Test
Mormons believe that ghosts need bodies in order to be tested by God, which for most of the billions of years of life on this planet has meant being violently killed or eaten alive. Ebola is God's favorite test. When Noah brought two of each animal on the Ark, he made sure to bring two Ebolas. This is because God didn't care about niggers until 1978, which is the year they started letting niggers into temples for reasons other than building them. This is because, according to Brigham Young, niggers carry the Mark of Cain, being descendants from Cain who slew Abel in the Bible. So slavery and everything bad that happens in Africa is because of a single murder back when Adam was alive (who was a white guy who lived in Missouri by the way, and may have been either the archangel Michael or God himself lol). Mormons believe that pain and suffering and cancer and traffic accidents and polio and congenital heart defects and Alzheimer's and terrorism are all just God testing us, and that life on Earth which has existed for a few thousand years has just been one big Test because God loves testing so God damn much. Better yet, you agreed to this.
So like in the Hindu caste system, you were born with no legs because of something you did in the past. Remember, this was your idea to come here. You exist on Earth because of choices you made in the pre-existence, not because your parents got drunk one night and had sloppy stinking sex like two baboons. In the pre-existence, Jesus said everyone should have "free agency" (the Mormon term for free will), so Mormons believe the philosophical debate over free will was settled by a 14-year-old farm boy. Yes, free will exists, and the choice that you have is a gift from God to see if you will pass a multiple choice test that involves cancer, AIDS, malaria, genocide, world wars, serial killers, pederasts, and the Holocaust.
Lucifer aka Jesus's brother said everyone should be forced to do what's right so there would be no sin, but there was a
vote or some shit War In Heaven and those in favor of sinning won out and Lucifer and his followers who were 1/3 of the hosts of heaven were permab& from Heaven. Their punishment was never being able to eat chocolate and being able to walk through walls and never getting to have a body that could be molested or raped or hacked to pieces or dissolved in acid while alive. Lucifer became Satan, The Adversary, and it is He who tempts all people to be naughty and touch themselves which prevents spirit children from traveling to this planet for mandatory testing. The 1/3 of the ghosts of heaven who never can have bodies are the subject of The Exorcist, the Poltergeist trilogy, every Paranormal Activity film, and A Beautiful Mind. These evil spirits seek to possess people because they really want a body, and they can possess people who play with Ouija boards, schizophrenics, and people with Tourettes.
Heavenly Father has sex all day
Since there's kind of a logjam in Heaven or maybe the planet Kolob what with God not helping starving children on Earth but instead doing nothing but fucking all day long and Heavenly Mother shitting out billions of spirit babies like some bloated littered sow, Mormon families spit out 19 kids, 1/3 of them gay and 2/3 of them with autism, because all those spirit children that God makes 24/7 by fucking his billions of spirit wives need to have tight little bodies of their own, or they would be stuck in Heaven and not on this wonderful planet Earth full of violence and they would miss The Test. Sometimes female spirits end up in male bodies, or male spirits end up in female bodies which explains
faggots Scientology. If Mormons do good works, no wait, if Mormons try to be ye therefore perfect as much as possible then by the grace of God they will go to the Celestial Kingdom with their Mormon relatives. And get their own planet where they can have sex all day too and watch people die in tsunamis. So doing good for your fellow man just because it feels good, or even because Jesus said love one another and whenever you feed the hungry or clothe the naked or heal the sick you are serving God isn't enough. No, there's a sex planet at the end of the rainbow. Be sure to remind Mitt Romney of this the next time you see him.
The light of God
Mormons believe that the light of God lives in everyone, like famous necrophile Ted Bundy who was baptized LDS in 1975. Magic underwear aka garments are a representation of the human body which is temporary, so when garments are worn out you cut out the Masonic square and compass with scissors and burn those in fire as a sacrifice to God and then use the rest of it as rags, the same thing you do with corpses. When Mormons are buried they are placed in their oogabooga temple clothes which consist of an apron (a Masonic symbol representing the leaf of Adam in the Garden of Eden which he used to keep mortar off his junk while building a brick wall around the Garden of Eden in Missouri), a stupid chef's hat (the same kind Jesus wore when he cheffed the multitude with bread and fishes), and a chain that goes from the hat to their shoulder (so nobody will steal their hat in Paradise, then their soul might escape). This costume may refer to the Five Points of Fellowship which you'll need to know after you die in order to walk past the topless winged Egyptian Sentinels guarding Heaven with their laser eyes.
When it comes to faith vs works in order to get into Heaven, both are wrong. The only way to get into Heaven is by knowing The Password. Getting into Heaven is just like getting into an underground Chinese gambling den. The body is put in a sealed vault that costs $10,000 so that when Zombie Jesus comes back at The Millennium which hasn't happened yet but soon just you wait and Jesus raises the dead, all the zombies will be mostly intact. Later on in Heaven, Anakin Skywalker will appear in his most favorite form, Hayden Christensen. In Heaven, all the dinosaurs will also appear in their most favorite form, a kind of Jurassic
Families are forever
With multiple commercials saying "Family. Isn't it about...time?", Mormons have cornered the market on families. In fact, nobody ever had families until founder, prophet, seer, and revelator Joseph Smith suggested the idea. If a family has 10 or more children, the odds of them being Mormon are at least 100%. Because there are trillions of ghosts that need to possess human bodies and if they don't they'll go straight to Paradise. Mormons also believe that families are forever. Yes, families where parents abuse their children are forever. Mormons will say that's not true, that families can be together forever if you all be good, but forever implies always, meaning your family was forever before you were even born and everybody is just going through the motions because everyone on Earth actually followed Lucifer who believed free will would lead to sin so the universe is completely deterministic and set in stone just like Muslims believe and belief in free will is an illusion programmed into the whole farce. Yes, in the pre-existence you picked the Lucifer-world where reality is a tape on rails, and thinking you make decisions is just part of the whole inescapable program.
Everybody has at least two fathers and two mothers. One set of meat parents make the meat, and one set of ghost parents make the white ghost filling for the meat. Each ghost parent contributes 23 ghost chromosomes. Sometimes ghost trisomy occurs leading to retard ghost babies. So a retard soul can inhabit an apparently normal body. Like you.
When people or pets or the animals you ate for dinner die there's no need to be sad because families are forever. This is why Mormons never cry at funerals. All of your pets and all of the dinosaurs will be there for you in Heaven. Thank God Almighty. Oh, and God is a man who lives on the planet Kolob in another star system. Battlestar Galactica is entirely based on Mormonism, the original series and the reboot, since Mormonism was the great American scifi religion of the 19th century. So the people who were disappointed by the ending of the show have their ignorance of Mormonism to blame. Battlestar Galactica is not to be confused with Battlefield Earth, which is based on Scientology, the great American scifi religion of the 20th century.
When babies die in Mormonism it's because their souls were just too pure for this world, meaning that old people are total fucking monsters. Incidentally, the Prophet of the Church is the typically the oldest guy with any authority. Also, God really needs those babies in Heaven because they have important work to do up there even if they can't hold up their own head. And since they died so young, they will automatically go to Heaven, so you better smother 7 of your babies and keep their corpses in your garage so you guarantee their spot in Heaven. However, all Mormons are pro-life because spirit children, so don't point out to them that abortion would be a golden ticket to the Celestial Kingdom which is what everyone on Earth should want for their loved ones. However, violent abortion means that spirit children can't be tested on this ultra violent planet.
The Mormon Church is so rich because members like former presidential candidate Mitt Romney must pay 10% of their income to the Church every month, which the Church invests in the stock market and real estate and business ventures, all with tax-exempt status. This drive to accumulate wealth is based on the Biblical passage where Jesus says it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. So based on Jesus's teaching to sell all of your possessions and follow him, Mormons are big believers in entrepreneurship like starting their own multi-level-marketing schemes and being self-sufficient for the coming Apocalypse. When Armageddon comes, they have at least 72 hours of food storage for all 19 children in their family. Mormons hoard food like Jews hoard gold. Mormons are big proponents of buying 50 gallon drums of peanut butter and survivalism and gun ownership, because when Armageddon comes they will need guns and ammo to guard all of their food, because giving it away to those in need just wouldn't be Christ-like. And death is a tragic thing because it means you won't see your loved ones for maybe another 50 years or so until you see them again in Heaven.
Mormons believe that God is such an asshole that if you were born after Jesus died but before Joseph Smith was born in the 1800s you're probably going to Hell (Outer Darkness) and if you were born outside America you're also probably going to Hell and so they send out thousands of suit-wearing multi-level-marketer door-to-door salesman around the world to correct this egregious error by Heavenly Father, even baptizing by proxy dead people like Jews who died in the Holocaust who had never heard of The Gospel™ of Our Lord and Savior Joseph Smith. In fact, if you don't baptize all of your ancestors back to Adam they are doomed and it's all your fault that they never heard of The Gospel™, kind of like Islam, although in Islam they also have kind of a more fuck you attitude to people who have never heard of Muhammad.
In keeping with all pyramid schemes, Mormon Heaven is divided into three tiers: the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom, and the Telestial Kingdom. God is also divided into three tiers: Heavenly Father aka God aka Elohim, Jesus aka the Son of God aka Yahweh, and the Holy Ghost aka the still small voice aka the archangel Michael. The voices you hear in your head are the Holy Ghost, which you can only receive after a dunk tank and old men touching you. The Holy Ghost then enters your body like Patrick Swayze and or maybe it just whispers to you. Unless you're naughty, then it has better shit to do than playing Jiminy Cricket.
Unwilling to believe that their religious leaders could possibly operate multi-level-marketing schemes since they know this church is true, everything Joseph Smith said must have been true, except for the time when God changed his mind about polygamy in the late 1800s because of the United States Congress. As a result, many multi-level-marketing companies originate in Utah, because that's how God works, in mysterious ways, with pyramid power.
No Mormon Knows My History
The following are commandments and prophecies received by Joseph Smith Jr. in revelations given to him by two shining personages in the First Vision, as recorded in The Pearl of Great Price:
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt live in Vermont and
inventcopy a perfectly sane story -- about the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel making a sea voyage from the Old World and populating the New World for religious reasons, about Jewish Indians who were descended from Israelites and their language from Hebrew (possibly inspired by the Reverend Joel Benedict who taught that Hebrew was the angelic tongue), quoting from the Book of Isaiah, describing a future gathering of Israel and restoration of the Ten Lost Tribes, dividing migrants into civilized and uncivilized groups who warred leading to the destruction of the civilized group, and suggesting the Gospel was preached in ancient America, and also throw in buried Indian treasure because thy father shall be in the money-digging business for at least three decades, and also seer stones which thou shalt use to findeth lost objects, and visions of God -- from two men known by thine mother's third cousin Oliver Cowdery, Ethan Smith and Josiah Priest, and/or steal it from the New Israelites, a sect of divining rodsmen founded by Nathaniel Wood, which thine father may belong to but that Oliver Cowdery's father William Cowdery does belong to, or just let Oliver write the whole damn thing since he knows all that shit since he attended Ethan Smith's church in Poultney, whilst thou drinketh liquor and leg wrestle with men for the next few months.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt convince superstitious gullible hicks that thine story is true and thou shalt seeketh a crazy old man that hath changed religions five times and who employed thine father Joseph Smith Sr. to dig a well by using a dowsing rod and thou shalt persuadeth this old man to mortgage his farm according to a "revelation" thou hast received and henceforth command him to impart his property in order to pay the printer E. B. Grandin's debt, and have the fanfic Oliver Cowdery wrote printed since the crazy old man lost the first 116 pages of the fanfic that the crazy old man wrote with thee.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt have three men claim to have been shown the golden plates by an angel, that they saw them with their "spiritual eyes" not their actual eyes, the Three Witnesses being Oliver Cowdery (thy mother's third cousin and the "scribe" from Poultney who attended Ethan Smith's church and actually wrote the Book of Mormon about Hebrew Indians), Martin Harris (described as a "visionary fanatic" who said he once talked to Jesus in the form of a deer and who had a local reputation of being a crazy old man who believed in hobgoblins and witches), and David Whitmer (described as "gullible to the highest degree") and thou shalt include their reputable statement as a certificate of authenticity with thine new "scriptures" since when the crazy old man taketh some text to Charles Anthon at Columbia College to authenticate it Anthon will say the old man is a victim of fraud and tell him to examine the actual plates which are supposedly locked in a chest, but Martin Harris shall say he cannot actually look at the plates with his naked eyes, verily, or his family shall be cursed.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt call thy church the Church of Christ and
organize it exactly like it is todaymake thyself First Elder and Oliver Second Elder, and later on have the Three Witnesses ordain a traveling High Council of twelve men intended to be missionaries but just turn them into the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles just like Jesus had, and rename thy church eight years later and excommunicate Oliver CowderyLarry Sanger, and later on believers shall steal thy idea and start their own variants of Bitcoin like Church of Christ (Temple Lot) and Church of Christ (Whitmerite), or they may start following James J. Strang who shall claim to have his own metal plates, which shall be fashioned from Ben Perce's old brass tea kettle, named the Voree plates which containeth an ancient record of "Rajah Manchou of Vorito."
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt be initiated into Masonry because thine older brother Hyrum and Brigham Young are in that secret society, and thou shalt reach the degree of Master Mason, and thou shalt copy their handshakes and rituals and sayings such as "Has it a name?" and "three distinct knocks", and thou shalt copy Masonic symbols and put them on thine breeches and veil in the temple, and less than two months later thou shalt administer the first Endowment ceremony in the upper room of thine store in Nauvoo, the very location where thou having been initiated into Masonry, and thou shalt tell people that Masonry contained the apostate endowment and that Masonry was taken from the priesthood even though Freemason ritual only dates back to the 1700s and not Solomon's Temple and Jews who invented the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood don't know what the fuck you're talking about, and thou shalt start four Masonic lodges, and build a temple covered in Masonic symbols such as the all-seeing eye, inverted five-pointed star, beehive, compass and square, sun, moon, stars, and handgrip; and also build a Masonic temple.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt tell males that when they turneth
1918 they can become a sorcerer capable of wielding white magic like Melchizedek in the Bible, and that they shalt have the power to heal the sick, cast out devils, make the blind see, the deaf hear, the dumb speak, and withstand poison, but which mostly involveth naming their 19 children and later baptizing them, or sometimes a rare story about an exorcism like the one thou shalt give to Newell Knight who will saith he is possessed by the very devile.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt copy all the Jewish priestly garments from Exodus 28, Exodus 39, and Leviticus 8 except for the
612 Infinity Gems and cutsew Masonic symbols in thine undergarments and wear these vestments in thine temples like priests and priestesses because thou art serious about being New IsraelitesLatter-Day Saints who believeth in perfectionist immortalism like those in the Blackstone Valley, and when a follower passeth away thou shalt bury them in the High Priest vestments of Judaism just like those worn by the teachers of the Law of Moses that Jesus condemned, just like those worn by the Jewish High Priest Caiaphas who organized the plot to kill Jesus, because verily thou art followers of Christ Jesus and Jesus wore that shit all the time, even unto North America.
- And it shall come to pass that as cult leader, thou shalt use this story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls thou wants beginning with teenage maid Fanny Alger, a relationship that the "scribe" of the Book of Mormon and Second Elder of thy church shall call a "dirty, nasty, filthy affair", but thou shalt call it "spiritual wifery" like the Newent Separates of Norwich, or the Immortalists of Blackstone Valley, or first Nauvoo Mayor John C. Bennett (but thou shalt excommunicate him for unauthorized polygamy).
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt excommunicate two of the Three Witnesses who claimed to have been shown the golden plates by an angel, and thou shalt have the Danite vigilantes harass two of them, and watch as all three break away from the Church, since two of them shall oppose polygamy, with Oliver calling it adultery, and thou shalt watch as Oliver becomes a Methodist, then thou shalt put something in the temple ceremony where Lucifer is a Protestant minister who tries to deceive Adam and Eve.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt tell thine followers to destroy a printing press and thou shalt go to jail and get killed by an angry mob, thereby becoming a martyr, and creating a succession crisis since thine whole religion is predicated on priesthood succession which thou hast brought back to Earth in the Restoration because the priesthood left the Earth in The Great Apostasy after Jesus died, except for immortal John on Patmos and the Three Nephites in North America who were blessed by Jesus to "never taste of death", one of whome thou and David Whitmer said thou saweth on a road in New York in 1829.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt watch from Paradise as high-ranking Mason polygamist and American Moses Brigham Young leads a
JewishMormon Exodus out ofinto the desert and the Promised Land where whites will not get mad at Mormons for Masonry or bank scams or spiritual wifery since the only whites around shall be a handful of fur trappers, and thou shalt watch as this land occupied by redkins and Latinos is named the State of Deseret, which meaneth industry, and watch as a Masonic beehive is used as a symbol of this theocracy, and watch as thine followers kill off savages with dark skin because that means they hath turned away from Christ after Christ's adult mission to North America.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt watch from Paradise as thine followers live like a hippy commune without the drugs (besides Mormon Tea containing ephedra), also no alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and fun.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt watch from Paradise as the US Congress is verily horrified by the sacred Godly practice of plural marriage and watch as President Abraham Lincoln bans bigamy, but does not enforce that law at the time so that Mason polygamist Brigham Young does not join the Confederacy in The Civil War since he hates niggers too, then thou shalt watch later as the One True Church says God changed his mind about Earthly polygamy in order so that they may becometh a US state, although a splinter group shall keepeth polygamy and fucking teenagers alive and well in Hildale and later Texas.
- And it shall come to pass that thou shalt require that members pay 10% of their income to the church or they cannot goeth through the temple (which thou hast placed inverted pentagrams on which exceedingly pleaseth the Lord), which is a requirement to attain the highest level of the highest sphere of thy version of Heaven, the Celestial Kingdom, and in the temple thou shalt have members make an oath of vengeance until they remove that part and make an oath to obey the law of consecration where if asked they shall give all their property to thy Church.
- And it shall come to pass that thou and thine followers shalt fervently preach this Gospel to all the ends of the Earth, yea, verily even baptizing every human who hath ever lived or died, lest they taste the lake of fire nor reach the highest degree of glory, but don't mention the Masonic stuff for at least a decade after a child hath been baptized at the age of accountability, having been eight, for the Temple stuff tendeth to freak people out for it is creepy and weird, yea, verily weird as fuck, therefore fear not in changing the Temple stuff in the One True Church as much as ye see fit, for the Lord taketh great pleasure in seeing people who do not speak English being baptized before knowing anything about Oliver Cowdery or Ethan Smith or the New Israelites or the Immortalists of Blackstone Valley or Masonry, yea, and ye shall condemn anti-Mormons as fools and wicked devils, and ye shall spread this Gospel even unto Christ's
SecondThird Coming upon the Millennium, the arrival of which thou cannot know from the Gregorian calender based on Jesus's birth, for verily the Millennium shalt arriveth on God's own timetable, which only He knoweth, forever and ever. For God will not be mocked. Amon Ra.
The Hot Spicy Racism
Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.” -Second Prophet Brigham Young JoD: vol.10 p. 110
“You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, un- comely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind. The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race – that they should be the “servant of servants;” and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists cannot help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, [p.291] and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam’s children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain cannot receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood. They were the first that were cursed, and they will be the last from whom the curse will be removed.When the residue of the family of Adam come up and receive their blessings, then the curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will receive blessings in like proportion. “-Second Prophet Brigham Young JoD 7:290-291 (October 9, 1859)
From day one this so-called "true church" (as proclaimed by the members) prohibited nigras from holding the priesthood. This policy wasn't repealed until 1978 over nine thousand years after the church was established. Predictably no-one noticed because black people don't get involved in anything that would infringe on the time that could be more gainfully employed stealing televisions and car stereos. Nigrah Morons also had to attend segregated services.
This sensible idea had a bizarre flipside: American Indians were allowed to attend the same services as Whitey, but were supposed to be segregated in the afterlife. They probably had a little trouble attracting Indian members after one of their guys led one of the biggest massacres of Indians in the west and they framed Indians for their own massacre of crackers.
If the lie "the Mormon church is the true church" is to be believed one must also deduce that God is more racist than the lowest of the low on ED. Actually, I think God is the most racist motherfucker I've ever met. IT MUST BE TRUE!
Before 1890 the Mormons practiced polygamy, providing a way for men to engage in dirty sex with multiple women simultaneously and still play the upstanding guy.
The second prophet of the Mormon church Brigham Young (bring em' young; born 1801) was known for his large family that consisted of 18 wives and 57 children.
It's a little known fact that Joseph Smith had 23 wives, who ranged in age from 14 to 60. Eleven were under 20. Most were done after he died (YA RLY).
Some offshoots of the Mormon church who declare themselves "fundamentalist Mormons" still condone polygamy (the ones that don't just do it in secret) and are still banging minors today. Tell this to a REAL Mormon and they'll be an Internet Tough Guy.
Major Reasons Why Mormonism Is Bullshit
The Book of Mormon claims that the Jaredites arrived at America in 2500 BC from the ancient Near East, and built a civilization that lasted for centuries. However, archaeologists and scientists agree that there is no evidence that they existed. They were magically replaced by Lehi and others from the Israelite tribes in 600 BC, who became the Nephites, Lamanites, and Mulekites. They reigned as civilizations in the Americas until 400 AD, when they all killed each other and disappeared. But like the Jaredites, there is no archaeological evidence that they existed - not a single pottery shard. Not only that, but they supposedly had oxen, cattle, elephants, silk, chariots, the compass, steel, and lots of other shit that did not exist in pre-Columbian America.
The Book of Mormon claims that these peoples migrated across the Atlantic ocean from Jerusalem and the Israelite tribes. However, the Israelites were not a seafaring people. Even the Phoenicians who were stayed within the Mediterranean - how did people with no nautical experience manage to build a huge watertight ship and get across an entire ocean? The Book of Mormon claims that the Native Americans are descended from the Israelites/Lamanites, yet there is no linguistic or genetic link between the Native Americans and the ancient Near East.
There have been many edits to the text since it was first written, which contradicts a divine origin. Indeed, the Book of Mormon is nothing more than lies and plagiarism. It blatantly rips off View of the Hebrews by Ethan Smith, The Wonders of Nature by Josiah Priest, the King James Bible, and the Apocrypha. It also contains numerous anachronisms which reveal its true origin as tl;dr nonsense written by Joseph Smith.
The founder Joseph Smith was a false prophet who was known as a compulsive liar in his own lifetime. He made several prophecies that ended up being proven as fail. How can you believe that he received the Book of Mormon on gold plates from the angel Moroni? He claims that the original writing on the plates was "reformed egyptian", even though this script has never existed. The Golden Plates themselves were conveniently returned to angels after he finished translating, so no one can see them now. Aside from being a fraud, he gave himself the titles of King and General, and married several underage girls. Clearly, Joseph Smith was an 1800’s version of L. Ron Hubbard who wanted money, power, and lolis.
HOLY SHIT ITS A CULT!!!
It is well known and documented that Mormonism is approaching its end state: a full blown cult. The Mormon Missionary Training Center in Provo (Utah) is already a full blown cult, and it is what EVERY MORMON LEADER WANTS TO TURN THE RELIGION INTO WORLDWIDE I SHIT YOU NOT!
How Mormon Missionary Training Center is like a cult:
1. Strict Information Control
Mormon Missionaries are in a bubble where no outside influences are let in (they can't even read newspapers!), thus maximizing the effectiveness of the brainwashing process
2. Control Over Every Aspect Of Missionaries' lives
Mormon Missionaries have no free will (which is ironic) while in this cult bubble AND CANNOT EVEN VISIT THEIR FAMILIES IF A FAMILY MEMBER DIES. Not even a phone call can be made
3. Psychological Break-Down Of Each Missionary
Mormon Missionaries are constantly sleep-deprived and overworked to a level that would make Japanese workers seem like pansies. This is carefully calculated to tear down each missionary for the next stage
4. Rebuild-Up Of Each Missionary Through False Reality/Constant Messages
Once Missionaries are beaten down in this cult bubble, they are built back up through constant bombardment of false Mormon teachings. They eventually become like robots, unable to critically challenge their cult for the rest of their lives
Trolling Mormons IRL
- Tell them that you think Jodi Arias was sent by Obama to spread HIV and murder Mormons with anal sex.
- Tell them that you thought the movie Orgazmo was accurate.
- Ask to read "A Study in Scarlet" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
- Go to your local Mormon church on the first Sunday of the month, crash their Fast'N'Testimony Meetin', take the mic, and speak passionately about the doctrine of Cthulhu, and how He is your personal savior.
- Find the Mormon temple near you and go to the visitor's center. Flirt with the Mormon girl sent to convert you to Mormonism while your girlfriend puts a BIOS password on their genealogy computer. Lulz are sure to ensue.
- Convert to Mormonism, and get an assignment teaching Sunday School to lolis. Bring pedobear into your curriculum. Lulz and the party van guaranteed!
- Join the Mormon Church, tell the local bishop that you never fap so you can get a Temple Recommend (the paper that says you're not a fapper), go to the Temple to do baptisms for teh dead, taek a shit in teh big hot tub they use to summon the dead, and make them Mormons.
- Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are gullible by definition. This may result in missionaries leaving the mission.
- If you live in California, walk up to a Mormon and tell them you're gay, that you find Mormon underwear a turn-on and you hope that gay marriage is taught in schools.
- Ask them why they believe Jesus and Satan are brothers, watch them deny the whole thing, then point them to their own doctrine and let them know they're going to Hell for ignoring it:
—Spencer W. Kimball, after one too many weed brownies.
Trolling Mormons OL
Actually, trolling mormons online is ridiculously easy. They even gave trolls a place for them to work, called mormon.org. This site has a chat so that people interested in this religion could ask some questions about this church. In actuality, it is the place where trolls gather to get their daily dose of lulz. The most common question is: "Is it true that Mormons can have multiple wifes?" Sadly, no, they can't. One easy way to troll them is to accidentally spell their religion "Moron". Seriously, people with such a name are asking for it. Here is an example of some trolling material:
- "Welcome to Mormon.org chat.
- A representative will be with you shortly.
- Agent [Ofa] is ready to assist you.
- Me: Hello.
- Ofa: hello Jacob
- Ofa: how are you?
- Me: I'm pretty good. How are you?
- Ofa: Im fine thank you.
- Ofa: How can I help you??
- Me: I have a few questions about the Mormon Church etc.
- Ofa: Okay I can answer them!
- Me: Alright. My last church had over 9000 members. Does yours have over 9000 member
- Ofa: Yes actually we do.
- Me: What?
- Me: Over 9000?
- Me: Seriously?
- Ofa: Yes, at the end of last year it was 13,824,854
- Me: With a power level like that, you could probably one shot Vegeta.
- Me: I have another question though.
- Ofa: Okay
- Me: My friend told me, that if i Join the church i can get a free copy of your Bible thing?
- Ofa: You can actually get a copy of the Book of Mormon before you join the church.
- Me: Woah. That is very generous of you guys. Now does this book come with a copy of Battletoads?
- Ofa: Im sorry I dont know what that is haha.
- Me: You mean you don't have battletoads :/
- Ofa: If you want a copy of the Book of Mormon we can have missionaries deliver them to your house
- Ofa: You may go to mormon.org and under the tab "Ask a Question" you can click on Have the missionaries contact me.. and you can get your free copy of the Book of Mormon through there
- Me: Ahhhh. Sweeet! Thank you! But i have one more question for you.
- Me: Then i'll be out of your hair!
- Ofa: haha okay
- Me: Alrighty.
- Me: Magnets...
- Me: HOW DO THEY WORK?
- Ofa: hmmm maybe you can google that one!
- Me: Can't God tell you, and then you can tell me?
- Me: Or is God not that strong):
- Me: I hope he is.
- Me: I need to believe he can answer that question for me.
- Me: That is the one thing i don't get about the world.
- Me: Im looking for a god to answer it for me.
- Ofa: God can answer other questions for you directly
- Ofa: pray about it
- Me: I have.
- Me: I've got down on my knees.
- Me: And prayed.
- Ofa: then you have to go out and look for the answer
- Me: God told me to come here.
- Me: And ask you.
- Ofa: sometimes we have to work first for the answer
- Ofa: so you can do research on who invented magnets
- Ofa: haha
- Me: Well, didn't god invent magnets?
- Me: Because...god created everything right?
- Me: Or am i wrong there?
- Ofa: There are man made things that man created by the elements that God created
- Ofa: Man got creative to create things that we can use today.
- Me: Well, i'm pretty sure a Magnet is a natural occurring thing. Man harnessed magnets to hold up our pictures on the fridge. But Magnets have been around since before the earth was created."
Of course, there are numerous threads on /b/ calling for some massive trolling on the chat and posting results, and often many lulz ensue. However, surpsingly, missionaries evolve. It has been reported that they know very well the Bel-air song, due to the extensive number of /b/tards using it for trolling purposes. Further attempts to use it will be therefore detected. Sometimes they're so pissed off that they close the chat for a while.
As suggested by a previous editor, I went onto Mormon chat, and asked the guy about the whole Lucifer being god son deal. My original intention was to troll, but arguing is more fun. Here's what went down, it's a little boring to start with:
Emma Smith wanted your child to die from seizures
The Word of Wisdom was invented by one of Joey Smith's wives, straight-edge tightass Emma Smith, who was sick and tired of men spitting their chewing tobacco all over, those slobs. The Word of Wisdom is a rule against the consumption of alcohol, tobacco, "hot drinks" like coffee and tea (but not hot chocolate or herbal teas), psychoactive plants and entheogens planted by Satan, non-pharmaceutical drugs, and maybe even caffeine but the LDS Church owns stock in Coca-Cola. It did not however, apply to Mormon Tea, made with ephedra aka ma huang aka speed aka weight loss pills banned by the FDA, which contains ephedrine, a stimulant similar to meth or adrenaline. So yes to speed tea, no to kanabosm. Also, smoking opium is not allowed because The Adversary planted poppies, but if you turn it into a pill and add liver-destroying Tylenol you're good to go if a doctor says so.
Everyone in Utah knows the story of Joey Smith refusing alcohol during leg surgery or some shit. Wife Emma Smith invented the Word of Wisdom, and in a similar vein, women in the temperance movement in America led to that wonderful liberal social experiment called Prohibition and the rise of organized crime in America, the mob, and Chicago gangsterism. But blaming women for Prohibition or the rise of violent Mexican drug cartels who leave body parts everywhere isn't really fair, it's just that women hate intoxicants, unless they're epidurals, cough syrup, prescription pills, red wine, or balloons of heroin bought by suburban soccer moms.
Mormons, and therefore all of Utah, believe in the Word of Wisdom, leading to perfectly sane laws introduced by Republican lawmakers like the "Zion Curtain" which is a wall to prevent kids who are in bars for some reason and oversensitive adults in restaurants or sports bars from seeing bottles or bartenders pour liquid into glasses, which totally won't make people curious about alcohol like some forbidden fruit that God tells you not to eat. Mormons believe that God created all lifeforms, therefore yeast, which ferments sugar into ethanol in the absence of oxygen, and marijuana, which naturally grows out of the ground, were created by Lucifer, who is probably a dirty Mexican. Filthy Mexicans refer to cannabis as "marihuana" which is a reference to Mary, mother of Jesus. Well that just won't do because we have the Word of Wisdom and religious sacraments have never been intoxicants, especially wine. The whole story about Jesus turning water into wine was about sparkling grape juice. And in Genesis 1:12 where it says the earth brought forth herb yielding seed, and God saw that it was good, well the Bible wasn't translated correctly and Jews weren't right about Jesus or herbs, besides Raphael Mechoulam in Israel who isolated THC and discovered endocannabinoids in the human brain. However, some Utahns reject the Word of Wisdom and overcompensate, meaning they drink enough for every teetotaller in the state.
Utah is notable for being the first US state to legalize CBD oil. This is because other US states are not totally fucking insane and already had medical marijuana laws. Since Utah is made up of people more square than Ward Cleaver on a 1950s sitcom, in the year of our Lord and Savior 2014, politicians in Utah joined the 20th century and recognized the medical applications of a single cannabinoid (but not cannabis, the most notable source of phytocannabinoids besides tea, echinacea, kava, black truffles, cloves, rosemary, hops, basil, oregano, lavender, and black pepper) when a little 6-year-old girl from West Jordan named Charlee Nelson who had Batten disease had such horrible seizures that modern Godmen with medical degrees and modern pharmaceutical companies with billions of dollars and the FDA with their drug trials and bureaucracy could do nothing for her and she died a horrible fucking death after her horrible fucking life on March 15, 2014. Just in time, ten days later, Governor Gary Herbert signed into law HB 105 which legalized CBD oil in Utah, meaning people could cross the border into
Wyoming Colorado to buy fireworks oil and come back with their seizure medicine that actually worked and didn't have horrible side effects to live with their tragically disabled children and pay taxes in the great state of Utah, which has no lottery because otherwise nobody would ever go to Idaho Wendover Las Vegas, but raffles are okay and also distributing car keys that may or may not start a car. The bill was also known as "Charlee's Law" in dedication to dead kids, and totally not to gloss over the fact that Emma Smith's "Word of Wisdom" was directly responsible for Charlee Nelson's agonizing life and death, besides her parents unwillingness to move to a state that wasn't stuck in 1847. But we can thank mothers and women for HB 105, so thank God for female intuition when it comes to modern chemistry, yet again.
Since Utah is the reddest state in the nation, after Utah legalized CBD oil other red states without medical marijuana laws because filthy Mexicans started passing their own laws regarding CBD oil, so they would not have the blood of dead children on their hands. In the next two months, 10 other US states legalized CBD oil, not that CBD needed to be legalized in the first place because it was never included in the definition of "marihuana" written by the stone age cretins who wrote US drug laws. But even though Utah finally recognized CBD oil as having medical uses, and even though CBD comes from marijuana, legalizing medical marijuana is wrong because of the Word of Wisdom and because hippies and Tim Leary ruined everything.
Utah: This Is The Place to enjoy glaucoma and Crohns disease and cirrhosis. Thank you Emma Smith. However, CBD in pill form is probably OK because pills are not against the Word of Wisdom, unless you buy them on the street. Any drug that mad scientists cook up and throw at the populace to see if it sticks does not break the Word of Wisdom if you have a prescription for it. So get doctor shopping and rack up those prescriptions, but don't let them write down that you're "drug seeking." Also, due to your painkiller addiction you may want to become a confidential informant for the Feds and help infiltrate and take down a global agorist online marketplace which is also totally against the Word of Wisdom, but which mostly sold buds of plants.
Utahns have always been suspicious of Woodstock and rock 'n roll since the Osmonds weren't invited, and even the one from Peanuts seems a little shady and seems to fly drunk. Mormons were also bitter because they felt like they had invented the whole free love/cult thing with harems in America back in the 1800s. When you add burning bushes and rock music to that, it totally profanes the sacred Heavenly pastime of polygamy and scores of women singing in flowy togas.
If politicians in Utah recognized medical marijuana it might mean recognizing that their religion, with its Word of Wisdom, and Masonic aprons, and Jewish Indians, and glowing stones that were not the Sankara Stones from Temple of Doom, and Jesus's American Vacation, and magic underwear covered with Masonic symbols, and stuff Joey Smith wrote -- just might not be entirely on the up and up. But fear not! When Utah cops are not violently raiding houses of veterans growing plants outside of Colorado and subsequently getting shot for breaking and entering by people with actual military training, they can take part in a different firing squad since Utah brought it back for the death penalty just like Jesus taught because lethal injection drugs which take hours to work weren't barbaric enough and Utah politicians have never heard of exit bags or the element on the periodic table known as "nitrogen" which occupies 80% of air and was also good enough to stop the T-1000 if not for a nearby blast furnace but Terminator 2 is rated R because someone says "shit" more than twice so Mormons can't watch it unless it's been edited for television and/or companies sued by the Directors Guild of America and found to be violating US copyright laws.
Other made up religions compared to Mormonism
- Scientology: because if you can get away with Christ in the Americas, you can get away with volcanoes and H-bombs.
- Raelians, who believe Joseph Smith to have been a prior prophet of the Elohim.
- East High School Salt Lake City for more Mormon teen fun.
- Mitt Romney
- Mental illness
- Manti Te'o
- Avery Chicoine
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone's documentary on Mormonism
- Hawt Fuckin Mormons
- Mormonism Research Ministry
- Collection of quotes from previous Moron prophets, good for much lulz.
- A place to chat with a Moron missionary live, on the Morons' official website!
Mormons they jus' love massacrin' folk!
- The California Volunteers did this one as stooges of the Morons but were led to the site by a Moron gunman. A surgeon later said it "was instigated without a doubt by the Mormons".
- Shoshone on the massacre
- Massacrin' round the USA: poor whites who warn't Moron this time, the Morons stole everything after righteously murderin' all the people
- Brigham Young done it but framed the Paiute Indians for it for a lOOOOOng time.
- Mormons will brutally murder your cats if you dont join their cult.
And that ain't all folks.
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