Mortal Kombat is a gimmicky cash-in on Street Fighter 2. The gimmick is cartoon blood and finishing moves which got boring ever since every other Mature-rated game came to be. While the series showed the level of outrage that Republicans can whip up to distract the world from what they do in their private lives, since Mortal Kombat 3 it has provided the industry with an example of a franchise that should've been allowed to die peacefully in its sleep a long, long time ago. It features a cast of characters who have, over the course of two decades, failed to develop at all.
Liu Kang: Stereotypical oriental with the ability to shoot fireballs and destroy eardrums at will with his high-pitched screams. Surprised he can even fight taking notice of the fact that you can blindfold him with floss; then again, he's the first game protagonist to actually fuck up and get killed, and of course be brought back to life. Marshall Law from the Tekken games must be related to him, as they both emit the same annoying "wahhhhhhhs" when they attack.
Johnny Cage: Glasses-wearing Hollywood actor douche that does splits and punches men in the nuts and as of MK9, the cunt as well. In the original arcade game, it didn't work on Sonya, and for some reason Goro or Shang Tsung either -- are they eunuchs, or just trannies?
Kano: Killed Sonya's partner. Why this has anything to do with entering the tournament is a secret revealed only by defeating Goro. He also has an eye laser for some reason and a Steve Irwin type survival knife, but look how well it served that twat.
Raiden: Thunder god who constantly has his ass kicked by the very mortals he oversees. In the reboot, he's fired for picking such shitty people to defend Earth, and is responsible for the deaths of 3/4 of the cast. Known for his cheap "superman" move which consists of him literally flying through the air and slamming the opponent into the wall, which is so fast it's hard to block.
Shang Tsung: Sorcerer with the ability to transform into the same weaklings he is out to destroy. Why he wouldn't morph into Godzilla or something and simply stomp everyone is a question which remains unanswered.
- Sub-Zero: Which one? There's the classic one, the gay unmasked MK3 one, the one that becomes Noob Saibot, the one that becomes Cyber Sub-Zero in MK9, Frost, and the one that becomes Cyber Frost in MK11. Not like it matters since they all do the same shit. But the more merchandise that's out there, the merrier.
- Scorpion: Sub-Zero, only he throws spears while shouting "GET OVER HERE!" Needless to say, he has achieved immense popularity despite having one of the most limited special moves list in the entire series. Has a powerword that goes by the name Hanzo Hasashi.
- Reptile: Lizard that spits acid, emits toxic fumes, and stinks like a sewer. He's believed to be the last living member of his race of saurons and lives his life as a servant to the strongest characters in the game in order to get somewhere in life. Was a hidden character in the original arcade game where he was nothing more than a mix of Scorpion and Sub-Zero, but it was so difficult to find out how to battle him that must people didn't care to.
- Smoke: Smoking powers and swiftness, yeah betcha' that'd be real useful. Originally a Scorpion ripoff. Giving him a cyborg version didn't do much for him either.
- Rain: Water powers and lightning powers, a far improvement over freezing assholes and breaking them into a million pieces, or flying through the air while wearing a traditional Chinese hat.
- Ermac: Ninja that was a glitch in the first game, and then they had the bright idea of making him an actual character with soul powers.
- Tremor: Remember that other hidden ninja you can play as but not in the character roasters until Armageddon? Thanks to Mortal Kombat X, Tremor is now playable. Tremor is your typical big hulking ninja with earth powers that can turn his fists into stone and create earthquakes.
- Kitana: The 10,000 year old Princess of Edenia. Daughter of Sindel and Shao Kahn, and Liu Kang's love-interest (apparently Liu Kang is into older chicks). Surprisingly, she and Liu Kang didn't have any babies yet. Fights with Japanese fans. Praised by inflation artists.
- Mileena: Kitana's uglier, sluttier sister apparently cloned by Shang Tsung. She has mutant extra sets of teeth, and for some reason, she tries to cover it up with a mask. Surprisingly fanboys have sexual fantasies of her biting their dicks off. Somehow grew a set of lips during the events after MK9 and before MKX.
- Jade: The slutty ninja that likes the color green. Like Kitana, she is also 10,000 years old and the only reason she's still a character is because the game developers need someone for Kitana to have a lesbian relationship with. Her bust size is 36D. Officially dead in Mortal Kombat X. No one cared.
- Sindel: Kitana's mom. Queen of Edenia who made it a law that no girls can wear pants and that guys have to wear tights. Her special move is screaming sonic waves of demands of child support and attention to her prehistoric private parts.
- Tanya: Negress who puts people's heads between her vagina and thighs, holding that position for some time while she is screaming, then breaking their necks. The last part is unnecessary, as her jungle of love alone is enough to rapidly cause irreversible brain damage in close proximity.
- Skarlet: Cuts her opponent's neck and splashes their blood on her face. Hawt, isn't it? Wait! There's MOAR!!!! The other fatality is stabbing herself and turns into a pool of blood then shoots tentacles from the ground to rape the opponent and then cuts their stomach open and takes a bath under them. Kind of kinky isn't it? Also came out as a result of a glitch in the second game an made as a DLC.
Kung Lao: Liu Kang's BFF with a boomerang hat as a weapon that splits people in half, which makes no sense since half the battle has him throwing it.
Kintaro: Sheeva's four-armed tiger brother.
Sektor/Cyrax: Evil robotic ninjas with nukes and missiles that still got their metal asses handed to them by mallcops and Asians.
Quan Chi: Shang Tsung's replacement, because Shang Tsung didn't suck Shao Khan's cock hard enough. Gets decapitated in MKX.
Frost: See Sub-Zero above.
Sareena: Former satanist whose sisters were killed by the old Sub-Zero, so she decided to have sex with him and convert to Buddhism. Shinnok didn't like this so he killed her. She came back to life, but she couldn't perform fatalities anymore, so Sub-Zero #2 though that he might as well have another ho on his team.
Shujinko: A senile old man who was told he would save the world if he gathered 6 sacred, hidden, and extremely powerful artifacts and gave it to a red sparkly cloud. The cloud turned out to be the evil dragon king and then went to destroy the world. Nice going, asshole.
Havik: A BDSM enthusiast who heals himself by snapping his own neck, and fights by twisting his body around in unnatural ways. Is an inhabitant of Chaosrealm, which means he does everything for the lulz.
Kenshi: A blind swordsman that can make his sword fly around using telekinesis.
Shinnok: Some God that got pwnd and shoved into his own amulet in MKX, only to be released by the bald guy before he got his head capped by a guy named Hanzo Hasashi. He gets his ass whooped by the daughter of Johnny Cage & Sonya Blade when he entered god mode as Corrupted Shinnok the final boss of MKX.
Baraka: Mileena's bottom bitch in MKX. Has retractable swords in his arms.
Kabal: He was Stryker's cop partner before a fire burn the shit out of him and implanted with cybernetic life support by Kano. Truthfully nobody cares about this guy.
Cassie Cage: The main heroine from MKX. Johnny and Sonya fucked like jackrabbits and out came Cassie Cage. Inherited her parents' move, including her daddy's signature nutcracker/cunt pun(t)ch. Also she likes popping caps in your asses and posting selfies of her fatality victims on Instagram for lulz.
D'vorah: Remember Q-bee from Darkstalkers and how you fapped off to her as she penetrated Felicia the catgirl with her stinger dildo? Take away all the animu cuteness, make her bald, give her a butterface and you get D'vorah. This bee bitch has some nasty moves which includes bug swarms, poisonous attacks, and going Alien on your asses by implanting you with an egg and a maggot bursting out of your carcass.
Ferra & Torr: A she-midget with claws riding on the back of a brute. That is some Thunderdome shit right there. Expect chants of "Who runs Bartertown" in online fights.
Kotal Kahn: A warrior from Osh-Tekk who went to Earth and inspired the Aztecs but fucked up after teaching them blood drinking, which killed them via plague from Spaniards. Became Emperor of Outworld since Mileena was too batshit insane to rule. His War God style involves using a big ass club to brain you to a bloody hamburger. Sun God involves roasting your enemies asses while healing yourself. Blood God involves cutting yourself, but Kotal's not emo, far from it. He summons totems that buff stats in offense and defense. Kotal Kahn's fatality involves ripping your heart and squeezing it bathing in the blood. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Jacqueline Briggs: The Negress daughter of Jax and Cassie's partner. She's inherited his red ass beatdown style and has gun gauntlets to emulate daddy's roboarms. Has yellow fever..
Kung Jin: Some sort of kung fu archer related to Kung Lao. What's with that helmet though? Also is badass gay.
Erron Black: MK's first cowboy fighter and he's got a magic bullet with your name on it. Wait minute, it's fucking Hol Horse!
Triborg: Cyrax, Sektor, and Smoke (and Cyber Sub-Zero as a secret character), all together as one big gay cyborg character.
Geras: Kronika's house nigger who is known to induce massive amounts of rage online, because his throws are by far the most OP in the game. Is a literal sand nigger by virtue of being a golem constructed from the sands of Kronika's hourglass.
Cetrion: If Shrek and Mother Nature had a child together, you get a green tree-hugger name Cetrion. She was one of the elder gods who uses elemental powers to fight her opponents like she's some kind of shaman from World of Warcraft. Her fatality is a giant solar powered SHOOP DA WHOOP.
The Kollector: If you think Shao Kahn is scary, wait until you meet The Kollector! Get it? He's The Kollector? With a 'K'? In Mortal Kombat? Yeah I know the joke suck kocks. Anyways, The Kollector is your four-armed netherrealm Jew-Gollum who serves Shao Kahn as servant and accountant since the beginning. Like the Jews and Gollum combined, The Kollector would go around to villages to collect gold and offerings for Shao Kahn from villagers. Or their heads and limbs.
Cyber Frost: See Cyber Sub-Zero above.
Kronika: A bald antagonist woman with blue eyes who is the keeper of time and the mother of Cetrion. Has a hateful boner grudge against Raiden and wants to turn time to a new era without Raiden. She's also responsible for fucking up the timeline Raiden had to fuck up in Mortal Kombat (9) and Mortal Kombat X, which makes sense.
Fire God Liu Kang: It's only Liu Kang fused with Raiden but with godly super saiyan powers. Used to successfully defeat Kronika back in the dinosaur ages. Then Raiden crowns Liu Kang lord of Earthrealm to protect the sands of time and can't do it alone without Kitana as his partner who he can finally bang with for all those decades.
- Kratos: Best way to troll Xbox 360 fanboys since you can only play as Kratos, the God of War himself, exclusively on the PlayStation versions of Mortal Kombat 9.
- Freddy Krueger: Seriously NetherRealm? And he's not even the one from the original series, he's the one from the crappy reboot!
- Jason Voorhees: At least he's the original version unlike the shitty reboot version. We're looking at you, Reboot Freddy Krueger.
- Predator: Yes, THE One Ugly Motherfucker Predator from the classic Schwarzenegger film Predator.
- Leatherface: All of a sudden without any hints, Leatherface appears out of nowhere and chops somebody in half with his iconic chainsaw. NetherRealm, are you running out of ideas again?
- Xenomorph (Alien): You were expecting Baraka for Mortal Kombat X? Well too fucking bad, you get a Alien-Baraka hybrid.
- Hellspawn (Spawn): With the blessing of Todd McFarlane, the long awaited Spawn finally comes to Mortal Kombat 11 as a guest character, 17 years after appearing in the XBOX version of Soul Calibur 2. At least he's not a lame-ass DC/Marvel cape that can't do a fatalities (unless they're named Deadpool).
<center>Liu Kang being a cheap juggling cunt</center>
As if the godawful movie sequel didn't assrape the series enough, in a brilliant move EA an Warner Brothers have further raped a great legacy game by tossing a shitty port onto apple iProducts. Play a game that requires no less than 8 buttons and multi-directional spin moves on your touch screen... Fucking idiots. Also Kintaro is a warping cunt, and will turn your asshole inside out while you smash buttons in futile prison rape frustration.
|Featured article April 23 & 24, 2019|
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