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Serving as a hybrid of Friendster and LiveJournal, MySpace (Pronounced: Mee-Spah-Tszche) initially invented for pedophiles, is now an all but forgotten ruin, that used to provide attention whores across the internets with twice the ability for tasteless self-promotion. MySpace was also a haven for middle-class suburban emo teenagers to whine and moan about how their lives are so "tough", even though they probably never got one in the face. A typical person's Myspace page was saturated with annoying music, anime and "artistic" pictures, and the use of many quotes. Therefore, many lulz were found within this site. Many trolling groups, such as Penis Pump, defaced MySpace pages for the lulz. MySpace was the cancer that brought us Boyce Avenue, a self-centered, untalented piece of whiny shit.
Originally, MySpace was created as a game to see who could get the most friends online. Unfortunately, the game grew immensely too popular and resulted in IRL drama and became the leading cause in at least 100 IRL suicides. The MySpace game had announced that the game would not be over until every teenager had become an hero.
MySpace's "mission statement" was to function as a "meat market" for registered sex offenders to search for secretly fat 16 year old girls and camwhores who take it in the ass (once again, Encyclopedia Dramatica knew this fact months before it hit the wire).
As a web site, it's a lethargically coded piece of shit, rivaled in shittiness only by TagWorld; as a concept, it is a scourge on the entire human race and the epitome of Western insolence. If one had food poisoning and shat diarrhea followed by puking two days' worth of half-digested food on top of it, the result would be more pleasing to look at, easier to navigate, less annoying and more substantive than a typical MySpace profile (especially since a puke+shit mix doesn't autoplay shitty music as soon as you look at it).
It was also known by all Concerned Mothers and internet humanitarians that, if you are on MySpace, you were gonna get a big black pedophile dick up you ass, despite your gender and appearance. If you didn't have an ass, the pedophile would make one. Very few tried to stop this internets phenomenon. In June 2008, MySpace changed their nav bar to be easier to use by idiots. Millions of emo kids ended up butthurt and became an heroes. WAY TO GO!
MySpace eventually gave up on pretending it was still a relevant social media site. In 2013, the "new MySpace" was unveiled, and it is currently a shitty hybrid of BuzzFeed, Pandora, and YouTube, with the main difference being that nobody visits it.
- 1 Founder
- 2 MySpace sellout
- 3 imeem buyout
- 4 The Web's Unholy Chimera
- 4.1 Similarities to Friendster
- 4.2 Similarities to LiveJournal
- 4.3 Similarities to Bolt
- 4.4 Unique Features
- 4.5 Attention Whores
- 4.6 Killers
- 4.7 Killees
- 4.8 Childs Molesterz
- 4.9 Bands and Related Sewage
- 4.10 The Musical Elite
- 4.11 Porn Stars
- 4.12 DIY Models
- 4.13 Rednecks
- 4.14 Emos and MySpace
- 4.15 MySpace Whores
- 4.16 Newfags
- 5 MySpace and the law
- 6 BROKEN NEWS
- 7 MySpace in the news
- 8 MySpace Break-Up letter
- 9 Easy layout making
- 10 Ruining of a meme
- 11 Apps
- 12 New Myspace
- 13 Gallery
- 14 See Also
- 15 External Links
In 2003, MySpace was designed, edited, digested, and shat out onto the internets by Tom Anderson, a crack baby and a kind of gay version of Brad. The two share many similarities, one of which is that they both sold out (see below). Tom has a taste for Adderall pixie sticks and a severe case of multiple personality disorder. As such, he created MySpace by combining the worst features of every so-called "social networking" site in existence in the most disorganized manner possible and adding horrifying features of his own. In reality MySpace is used to catalog all the fucktards in the world so they will be easily hunted down and ruthlessly assraped by Tom himself. He enjoys stroking kittens and eats Chinese people just for being chinks. According to the picture he is friends with Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson.
On 23:54, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC), Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, bought MySpace for 580 million dollars. Yes. $580 million. Why a cesspool of mallcore faggotry is worth anywhere near that much is a mystery. Meanwhile, the fine folks at liberal have collectively shit themselves.
The Web's Unholy Chimera
Similarities to Friendster
MySpace provided the benefits of adding friends in a desperate ploy to seem popular. It also provided camwhores with an amount of disk space to upload photos. This served as a shrine to their own alleged hottness.
Users could list general interests on their profile, such as their favorite music, movies, television, and books. Well, not books. The last time anyone on MySpace touched a book was the day they dropped out of third grade.
Many users (usually dateless females) would list seemingly impossible qualities they are looking for in a humanoid life form, such as the body of Brad Pitt, with eyeliner, and the soul of Truman Capote, but they also had to be a shirtless drummer in a band with no gag reflex. Also, they had to wear expensive crack shoes made from virgin alligators or some such shit. Such people usually carry hand sanitizer to spritz teh cock before giving it a really toothy blowjob. Lastly, notice most profiles were of people in California!
MySpace also provides a so-called bulletin feature similar to Friendster, which allows users to post bulletins about local events and/or big news, but the feature is only used to spread retarded memes, emo pleas for new profile comments, irritating chain letters, suicide notes, and announcements about the posting of new hot photos.
Similarities to LiveJournal
MySpace offered a personal blog, allowing users to rate their popularity by the number of comments that were received. The difference between the blog feature and the bulletins feature was a closely-guarded trade sekrit known only to Tom. What is known is that Tom liked features. Lots of them.
The blog feature was often given a backseat to the posting of tiled blinking backgrounds with seven lens flares on a user's profile page. When used, it was famous for eating posts, depriving the world of countless stories of sloppy blowjobs performed in nightclub parking lots. MySpace-post-eating was responsible for at least 100 cases of cutting. Fortunately, subsequent photos of the wounds were posted without incident.
MySpace attempted to replicate LiveJournal's famed drama-friendly atmosphere, but due to its horrifying and utterly incomprehensible interface, drama was generated and maintained only through sheer force of will of the users generating it. MySpace also allowed users to create communities, but lulz were rare due to the fact that English was never used.
Just like LiveJournal, MySpace was awash in attention-starved nerd wannabes who believed that their emotions and self-righteous descriptions of themselves were more important than God himself. They also said "nigger" a lot, jokingly of course. That's because their best friend is a black person, and they therefore are not racist. MySpace was infested with bitch boys who cried a lot and with fag hags.
Bolt and MySpace shared a largely ignored blog feature, a restrictive area to share your camwhoring skillz, a list of general interests to plug the latest mainstream crap, a bulletin system for public drama, and a bewildering and useless interface. And also, horoscopes.
Also, Tom is a disgruntled ex-employee of Bolt Media, who was fired after the Japanese bought the website and replaced all human employees with 40-foot tall fembots. The deep sense of self-loathing exhibited by Tom was undoubtedly caused by this disruption of underage poon.
Unlike Friendster, LiveJournal, or anywhere else, MySpace let users define all aspects of their profile page. This means that users think they should. Therefore, in a throwback to the days of GeoCities, most pages included every web annoyance, ever, and broke every guideline of web design, ever — pages with 300k bitmap backgrounds that make all text on the page unreadable (not that anyone wants to read it anyways) and load activex controls to play 50mb music videos, bouncing and flashing marquees, at least 100 glitters, and over 9,000 MP3s... and it's all on the same page. Poor or completely blind use of HTML and CSS often leads to a computer freezing up, so badly that you had to unplug it from the wall and curse the day you found MySpace. MySpace made history as the only social networking site that let users install malware on visiting machines just by viewing a profile.
List of groundbreaking innovations
- Speeding up time required for people to fall in love.
- Autoplaying video clips embedded in a profile that never work properly and require five minutes to disable.
- The unique "Status & Mood" updates so people know how you feel.
- Allowing attention whores to earn popularity and fame status they would never gain IRL.
- Putting everyone on MySpace in an extended network, so nobody ever feels alone.
- Autoplaying music which inevitably starts by surprise at maximum volume, scaring the bejeezus out of you.
- Eye-searing color schemes that makes people's text impossible to read, and requires that you highlight it in order to read it but, after reading, you realize that it's all shit nobody cares about anyway.
- Sitewide custom of sending friends requests to strangers without ever contacting the person beforehand.
- People pretending to be television or movie characters, which has never been done before anywhere.
- People who add fake television or movie characters to their friends list and say "OMG lewk I em phreands with Morpheus LOLZORZ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!111
- Is always b0rked when you want to use it. Always.
- Patented "browser crash upon visit" technology.
- Fun "click the stop button" game on every visit!
- Fun lack of vertical scaling for thumbnails - have Longcat as your avatar and piss your friends off! (Of coarse we mean your e-friends, because you have no friends IRL. LOL)
- Unwanted Spam!!1!!!one!1
- People who fail at knowing what is funny and what is no longer funny. E.g. '!!!111oneone' is no longer funny, yet at least one hundred members of MySpace still continue to use it as a means of getting cyber-laid after fellow camwhores see that they have used the outdated humor, and still find it rather lulz, but it really isn't lulz.
srsly oneoneone was so two years ago, and even then it was only funny the first time.HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!!one1!
|TYPICAL MYSPACE USERS|
|Attention Whores||Killers||Killees||Child Molesters||Bands||The Musical Elite|
|TYPICAL MYSPACE USERS|
|Porn Stars||DIY Models||Rednecks||The Emos||MySpace Whores||Newfags|
MySpace and the law
In early 2005, MySpace became the first site to aid in arrest of spim. Spim is spam sent via instant message. A teenager sent millions of messages to MySpace accounts advertising mortgages and other services. Then he attempted to blackmail Tom into an exclusive marketing deal, threatening that he would make his spamming techniques public. MySpace contacted police and lured the spimmer to cops under the pretenses of a business meeting with Tom. This is probably the closest to IRL law that MySpace Internet lawyers have ever gotten.
Last Thursday, MySpace sued an Epic Spammer for at least $200M. Sanford Wallace and Walter Rines, possible /b/tards, failed at court and sent over 9,000 (730,000 to be precise) spam messages to Emos and other assorted faggotry, resulting in BAWWWWW and lulz. The spam contained 'adult material that was harmful to teenagers', and the US Government had made a law which makes spammers pay $100 for each piece of spam. Clear faggotry is indicated here by MySpaz sending more spam messages than the spammers themselves. Retribution is in order.
MySpace in the news
In December 2005, the International Dramatic Energy Agency announced that MySpace was in violation of international regulations for attempting to restart its fucktard enrichment program, generating highly enriched stupidity on an industrial scale. Experts believe that this concentrated, highly radioactive stupidity could be used to make a weapon of mass destruction, a so-called dirty bomb which threatens millions of innocent Internets users with the complete evisceration of their frontal lobe — the digital equivalent of a lobotomy delivered within seconds of exposure to extreme levels of Moran radiation.
As of early 2006, many world leaders were calling for the application of sanctions against the MySpace nation-state to prevent the restart of its fucktard enrichment program. Proposed sanctions include mass sterilization of the entire MySpace population and controlled detonation of every piece of computer equipment involved in producing and propagating the enriched MySpace stupidity. Although the proposal, spearheaded by United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan under the name "We Cured The Plague Once Already For Fuck's Sake" enjoys near unanimous support in the international community, US President George W. Bush has not signed on to the plan, noting a strong resemblance between many MySpace users and members of his extended backwoods family.
In late July 2007, MySpace was subject to an appalling terrorist attack. An innocent bystander's profile was savagely assaulted by a domestic terrorist group (on steroids). They blew up a yellow van, scattering gay porn all over his profile, and his girlfriend left him. But he was pretty chubby, and a complete whining bitch, so she was probably just looking for a way out anyway. It is unknown whether the perpetrators of this horrendous atrocity will ever be brought to justice.
MySpace Break-Up letter
If you feel like someone is questioning your actions on such a childish and meaningless site, please copy and paste this letter, copyright free into a message for the MySpace loser:
In regards to your question pertaining to the recent removal of your name and picture from my top ______ friends, I hereby provide you with following as a viable explanation as to my current actions.
This has been a most difficult decision because I knew the repercussions of the actions I have undertaken. These repercussions being having to write such a trite and pointless letter to explain to you something that should need no explanation. However, since you insist, I will provide you with the following rationalization in order to provide a cessation of further communication in this matter:
First of all, I can boldly state that I do not need to determine the status of our friendship through the placement of your picture and name on an online networking site. The childish nature of that ideology shows to me that you therefore should not be located in a "top spot" on my front page. Since my personal MySpace page is surfed several hundred times a day, and I feel that you would be a bad representation of my person.
The high school mentality of your request of me to provide you with a verification of status by placement on such a network site is something I do not appreciate nor something I want to associate with. However, if you need to look deeper into the meaning, the fact that i removed you from my top friends should denote an absolute detachment in regards to the status of our current relationship.
In closing, please feel free to return the favor and remove me from your friends list. At this point, I'd only be doing you a favor by staying up there and I don't feel that you deserve that. Trust me, I'll understand and I won't force you to write me a letter of explanation.
(Your Name Here)
Easy layout making
New nice layout for you MySpace users out there, that has a number of Themes. Just copy and paste the code of the MySpace layout into the about me section of MySpace. Raping children for the lulz is cool!
Ruining of a meme
Only recently did MySpace completely destroy a meme by introducing this meme to it's faggotry. This meme is Happycat.
http://www.myspace.com/icanhascheezburger The page that killed the meme for good.
MySpace allowed 13-year-old boys to become a pro developer by posting a tutorial on the forums. One of the hottest apps was Own Your Friends! followed by a bootleg copy of Mafia Wars they stole from Facebook. In this app MySpace users could catch and trade each others friends! Thus creating a new way to piss off all the idiots!
A great example of Own Your Friends:
Shitty musician turned even shittier actor Justin Timberlake was selected as the face of new Myspace, (which in itself is a contradiction in terms) in late 2012.
Just like TIMMMMMBEEERlake new myspace sucks more balls than the pope's rent boy - however it now has the added bonus feature in that they couldn't be bothered to transfer the user databases to the new myspace, meaning you have to either setup a new account. This is actually very useful in that it prevents eye rape by making it harder to access in the first place.
Of course, realizing that the above means less ad revenue, the jew inside of Tom came out to setup a system whereby one can log in with a Facebook, Google+, twitter or any other, better social networking site account. But nobody would do that because they're all using those sites anyway, and nobody wants anybody else to know that they actually think new Myspace will be any better - because when you see Justin Timberlake, you know you aren't going to get an improvement.
- Attention Whore
- Fake Your Space
- Internet Celebrity
- Internet Model
- Michael Explicit
- MySpace Kid
- MySpace Trolls
- Suicide Girls
- Truth Box
- Unrealistic Expectations
- My DeathSpace- a place for dead MySpace users
A Scientific Approach to MySpace's Failure
An accurate domain appraisal for myspace.com
- MySpace Layouts
A TL;DR article about the government watching you blog(see also Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop)
Link to bash teh MySpace
- Mycrimespace - A list of MySpace dumbasses
Get pics from friends-only profiles
Meeting guys from MySpace may result in getting almost raped...in the butt!
- Dear God, iTards rejoyce!
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