MyTanookiSuitHasBalls is one of the most infamous dogfuckers to ever grace the Portal of Evil. He first graced POE in 2003, sweeping through like a hurricane of pure retarded. Since his entry to the scene, he has haunted POE and POE News under at least 100 user names, abandoning each name once he's been inevitably recognized. He is an avid supporter of anime, child pornography, and sex with animals. Not surprisingly, he works in tech support and lives in The South.
No matter how many times he changes his user name, Tanooki can easily be spotted within four posts by identifying the following elements:
- An obsession with the police and the law. The only thing more slippery than his slopes is his dog's anus.
- Pseudo-science - Tanooki spent 7th grade biology jerking it to the fetal pigs, and is therefore qualified to argue quantum physics with actual physicists.
- A seemingly endless array of fetishes. In fact, his sexuality is so distorted, it has been proposed that Tanooki be dissected and studied by scientists. However, no-one is willing to touch him.
Enter The Tanooki
Tanooki burst into the POE scene in 2003, coming to the defense of the Transformation Fiction Archive. Pulling an all-too-familiar card, he compared furries to homosexuals and religious minorities. POE was unimpressed, asking him to name one single useful furry in the entire world. Stumped, he said that there had to be at least one furry in the world with a medical license, right?
Having presented his vision of the future to the masses, Tanooki then proceeded to shit himself in as many POE forums as possible. While most of his rambling attempts to defend Furdom is TL;DR, some stand out:
- Tanooki on his interests:
- Tanooki on children:
- On retards:
In 2004, Tanooki dropped some serious science on the collective asses of the Portal of Evil. Not only had he discovered the origin of all fucked-up behavior, he had proved that furries were actually a necessary step of evolution, because, if people did not have sex with animals, new species couldn't be created.
Throughout his year-long post spree, Tanooki dropped numerous tips that he has known the flesh of beasts. However, he also vehemently denied fucking any animals. Finally, he was called out: Had he porked the pooch or not? He had the following to say:
So let the record show that MyTanookiSuitHasBalls is, in fact, not a dog-fucker, but a dog-catcher.
Note: Trying to get fucked by a dog and failing is grounds for execution in over 70 countries world-wide, including Canada and Burkina Faso.
After being banned for trying to hack the Portal of Evil, MyTanookiSuitHasBalls reappeared on Poe News, first as Uncle Fister (famous for asking black people to stop being so damn black all the time) and then as Hornytoad, which focused primarily on cops.
The theme of policemen hiding valuable information from helpful citizens would resurface once again when Tanooki declared that child pornography should be legal to possess, in fact, police should provide it freely to private citizens, in hopes that the citizens could "identify" the victims:
Tanooki then went on to brazenly defend pedophilia:
It is a well known fact of science that pedophilia and homeschooling have one thing in common: the only people who defend these subjects are the people who participate in them. When called out on his obvious urge to fuck every child on the planet, Tanooki, under the name NarutoIsADishBestServedCold, responded:
—And a good enough reason to come after you.
Tanooki is still at large on Poe-News, where he periodically returns to tell the forums that he knows science better than real scientists, and that the police shouldn't be allowed to do anything, ever.
Known User Names
- Uncle Fister
- Buckaroo Bonzai
- Alfred Shitcock
Ranger Danger Hank-- mistakenly assumed to be Tanooki as he first posted shortly after one of Tanooki's bannings.
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