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Nadya Angelina Jolie Suleman is literally a cumdumpster and serial mom
from for Los Angeles who miraculously popped out a litter of 8 unhealthy runts in January 2009. Initially, this miracle of modern science was greeted with the usual old media circus hunting for "feel-good" stories to soften the continual horrific news of the ongoing economic downturn, and everyone went "daaaaaw!" However, all love was over when it came to light that this horrible woman already had six kids, was unmarried, unemployed, up to her eyeballs in debt, and living in her mom's basement taking government handouts.
What makes Nadya so very special is not so much that she has more offspring in one go than dogs have in one litter, nor it is the fact that she is obviously as thick as shit and should not pass on her genes, nor is it the fact that she lives on handouts, or the fact that she paid tens of thousands of dollars intended for her education (lol) on getting artificially pregnant when she could have done it for free and got a pizza out of it.
What makes Nadya so very, very special is not the fact that she is a dumb lazy breeder, but that our scientists, doctors and federal coffers actually helped her become a
dumb lazy breeder sympathetic cluster-fuck of tax-fraud, corporate sponsorship, and round the clock care from twelve nannies in a brand new two story, four bedroom home.
—Octomom, Well, thank god for that!
Unlike some people who choose to have a reasonable amount of children, Octomom had to pollute the gene pool by breeding faster than a horny rabbit.
She also goes by "Natalie Suleman", "Natalie Suleman-Gutierrez", or "Natalie Doud", a clear sign that she is insane, along with having eight babies to add to her already insane count of six. Octomom is a good example of the cancer that is killing IRL.
Octodad, however, is not in the picture and had no say in the matter although, as the "father" of the entire batch of 14, one would suppose he'd like a cut of all the Jew golds that his Arab baby momma is raking in from all the interviews and book/movie deals she's cutting; especially since he's a Jew. Octodad is one David Solomon, a master in the ancient Japanese marital art of Bukkake who Nadya met in a nightclub and then went to the movies with once before deciding she didn’t want him as a boyfriend since he didn't look like Brad Pitt.
Cold Hard Facts
1. Fourteen (14) children have been welcomed screaming into the world by doctors unfortunate enough to have to stare into the horror that is
2. Although the news reported that she gave birth to eight children, it should have said that she gave birth to eight invalid fetuses which doctors should have crammed back in there for moar gestation time.
3. Poor, on welfare, and without morals, scruples, or any of the other values we humans hold dear, this fuck-happy animal has gone onto the internet in search of pity money - "donations" as she calls it - rather than taking up a real profession to support her family.
There are a number of theories and conjectures to explain why this bitch would choose to produce so great a litter. Scientists have postulated that she may be motivated by a deep, evolutionary drive to procreate, but critics counter that her spawn is retarded and therefore lacks evolutionary fitness. Moar compelling explanations include a semen addiction, an overriding desire for moar food stamps, an earnest attempt at producing just one viable offspring because her other children are all retards and aspies, and to fulfill Gods wishes to cover the land with drug dealers.
tl:dr She's a whore.
Suicidal 911 Call
In October of 2008, one of Octomom's original litter strayed from the pack in the span of time it takes her to count them all. Being the responsible parent that she is, Octomom immediately picked up the phone and called 911. Thanks to the lulzfactory known as TMZ, these calls were released to the public in March 2009. In the recording, she can be heard threatening to become an hero, while the 911 operator somehow manages not to say do it fgt.
How Can I Help?
Three easy steps.
1. Load weapon (A Benelli 12 gauge is best suited to this job.)
2. Aim for Nadya and her children.
A how-to guide
Want to raise a pod of kids too? Here are a few steps you must remember.
1. Use these children as a means to make up for your own unhappy childhood. If the first litter of six kids you have does not make all the sad go away, grab a turkey baster and fire up your womb again.
2. Do not worry about having a job or another set of fists to keep your screeching brood in line. Americans are just h8ers drinking their h8terade.
3. Your children will be fed, clothed, vaccinated, and provided for emotionally and mentally so long as you "be there" for them, "be present" for them, luv them, and give your (swollen, used up road map of a body) self 100% to your children. Consider breast feeding them until the age of 8 and using the spare milk for cheese and other dairy products. Other parents who don't do such things are the selfish ones!
4. Take the highroad and claim to not want any form of welfare at all. Instead, hope that your friends, family, and church will stop their sane lives and help you with your 3rd childhood. Free daycare is totally NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT welfare, so do not feel bad about plopping your fourteen kids down so that you can get back to school.
5. Earn your master's during a bull market and use the never ending, consequence free pot of gold that is the federal student loan program. Hardly anyone has a degree nowadays anyway, so you cannot fail! Major in counseling so that you can be an authority to desperate people who are about to make poor life choices. It's where the money is!
6. Take the time to hold each of your fourteen children for at least 45 minutes every day. This means you need to pencil in 10.5 hours of cuddles daily. Hold the smallest one for a little while longer, the other thirteen will understand and there will be no jealously in your happy, screeching home.
7. Hope that your Arabian tribal patriarch sperm donor becomes involved in your womb droppings' lives. When he is ready.
9. Debt. Debt that follows you to the grave
BURN THE WITCH!
The first thing Nadgers did was to seek a corporate sponsor for her precious little snowflakes, whereupon she sat back and anticipated a long and happy life of free publicity and massive cheques rolling in. It was a brilliant plan. A brilliant plan with only one flaw.
Doctor Octomomocus had forgotten the fact that she had the babies by IVF, and in Dumbfuckistan this is basically tantamount to turning a few crosses upside down and sacrificing a goat. The big corps ran for cover, terrified of being associated with this ungaaaaahdly heathen and her pagan cuntmagic.
While we're on the subject, the fact she used her student loan to divide by zero couldn't have helped.
Not surprising after newspaper reports surfaced that she can't pay the hospital bills and California tax payers will be covering her bills to the tune of $1.3 million. She can, however, afford $500 a week for a nanny.
It's strange that such a site would be launched successfully. With the economy on a downturn and finances tight, few people could realistically be expected to donate. She has taken it upon herself to try and pump out as many children as possible to out produce gardeners for the white man. She is now trying to get money to help support those children since their father is currently missing and suspected to be somewhere in southern California. After the realization that her pyramid scheme was missing a few sides she did what any self-respecting sand nigger mother would do: she started sucking money from Uncle Sam.
No Amount of Surgery will Change her Shitty Genes
Apparently in her scramble to feed her children she could barely afford to have bad plastic surgery. Now, looking moar like The Cat in the Hat than her idol Angelina Jolie, she has set about to try and prostitute her civil failures on the news media at large. Her false Arab last name and horrific plastic surgery has been theorized to be an attempt to garner sympathy. Although much of the general population seems to have 20/200 vision when it comes to Suleman, it's patently obvious to the internet community that the facial damage is the product of her overwhelming hunger for the cock combined with poor eye-hand coordination.
Although Suleman has secured a 10-million dollar contract to berth the Emma Maersk in that chasm she once called a cum-catcher, it is rumored that she will spend this newly found wealth on moar plastic surgery and semen, while her mother and the taxpayers of California look after her litter.
Meanwhile, news surfaced that not only has Octomom tried to emulate Angelina Jolie with surgery and collecting children, she's been stalking the Hollywood star for some time. Jolie, when reached for comment, was said to be "totally creeped out" by Suleman's "homage".
Fuck your angels
Octomom has recently fired four nurses from the non-profit, "Angels in Waiting" despite the fact that this Sheniqua was receiving their twenty fo' hours a dizay services for free! It turns out there are spies from the cash bloated Orange County Department of Children and Family Services. FIGHT TEH POWAH!
In addition to caring for her squealing brood, these nannies were training her other, paid for nannies for further misadventures in responsible domestic bliss. Also, not all the kids are back from the Umbrella Company's Quiverfull high tech Sclion lab.
The Lulzworthy Octomom Rap.
Do not pass go
Octuplets mom Nadya Suleman could be kicked out of her Southern California home.
The mortgage holder says he is starting foreclosure proceedings on the $565,000 La Habra residence because the family hasn't kept up the payments and Nadya would not blow him.
His friend and adviser, Ramsey Masso, said Friday that Haddadin signed over the home to Suleman's father last year because their daughter is an irresponsible twit, with an irresponsible twat.
Ed Suleman, who leased the home to his daughter, was supposed to pay about $4,000 a month and a final balloon payment of $450,000 that was due earlier this month.
A rep for Amer says Octo hasn't paid the $450,000. And he says she didn't make the last $4,139 payment. He also says she's been late on three other recent monthly payments. Amer says he "tried to handle this in a gentlemanly way" but unfortunately it's come to this.
There could be hope for her unfortunate spawn yet.