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What a typical Native American looks like
, thievin' redskins
, or simply "Injuns
", as they like to be called, are red-skinned savages who happen to be the indigenous peoples
. Their spirits have been crushed
ever since. Most female Injuns become teen mommies
by the age of 13. They also have an undying lust for Lysol to huff.
Native Americans are so niggerish that they had been at the technological level of Africans
by the time white people
arrived. They worshiped the ground
, the Sun
, and the animals
. Today, most of their reservations are still like typical African villages, with levels of crime
usually only seen in black neighborhoods
, and most Native Americans just depend on handouts from whitey. Natives also have an instinctive desire to scalp and eat white people and members of another tribe. The few successful ones run casinos, or to put it more simply, steal money
who hope to strike it rich.
Native Americans are relatively untrollable due to widespread depression
about their decimation. Either that or they're too fucked up on alcohol
and don't respond. A lot of them live on the streets on a diet of drugs
and booze, bought with handouts from "too-concerned-for-their-own-good" white people. The Indian reservations don't sell alcohol
on Sundays, so an alcohol substitute was created by diluting a bottle of cheap hairspray, usually the 99 cent Aqua Net, in a gallon of water. This beverage in known as "Ocean" or "Montana Gin." When drunk, it makes people want to pass out on the railroad tracks. This usually results in the consumer getting pwned
by a freight train. If you're in search of the noble red, normally you can find them at the beer vendor, spending their government
checks while clutching to their crack babies or bitching about how they live on a reserve, despite never having made the effort to get a job.
A typical native friday night.
Other than being fucking savages, incapable of running a functioning society, stealing money, and worshiping, well, everything
, Native Americans are also distinctive in being sunburned and banhammered
Red Man's Greed
!!! 10/12/1492. NEVAR FORGET!!!
On the show South Park
, the creators showed how Native Americans are greedy and want to destroy whole towns to build super-highways directly to their casinos
. The show showed
struggle of how the greedy Native Americans bought the land and then infected the entire town with blankets crawling with the SARS
virus as a sort of "peace offering." This takes place in all of North America
, where Natives don't actually own anything other than a rag and a bottle of paint thinner. They leech off government cheques they receive on the first Wednesday of every month (aka "Watcha doing tomorrow cousin? It's WellyWednsday"), destroying brand new houses made for them on the reserve and in the North End (which they hardly spend any time sleeping in due to the comfy nature of concrete steps outside of Denny's), and pawning off anything of value in the house for bottles of Stone Cold and Listerine or a can of Lysol. Remember; it's not a Native if they're not holding a paper bag of fire water or a giant bottle of Listerine or inhaling Lysol.
Natives also have the delusion that white people still owe them something even though they've been living off their tax dollars for at least 100
years. In certain parts of Canada
, they make up for this by stealing mountain bikes, whining that they should be catered to at every turn and expecting everything for free. In fact, the Canadian government constantly sucks their cock with free money, land, jobs, businesses, not paying any taxes, and anything else they request on a whim. God help the government if they lose a few votes due to Injuns being mad about the idea they may have to be just like everyone else with no extra rights or privileges! They display sympathy-invoking
commercials that say "Let The Healing Continue." The worst case, however, is the wave of Mexican Indios
who illegally enter the U.S., pop out a couple or moar
(especially MOAR) anchor babies, and then live on American welfare
. When confronted, they'll often say they are the original peoples and therefore have the right to live ANYWHERE on the continent
. When free shit is being thrown out, you know every Mexican is thinking "IM THURRR," hence Natives have been flooding north of Ol' El Paso ranch for some free money and Listerine vouchers under the guise of "HEY IM A NORTHAN MEXICAN JUST LIKE THESE GUYS."
Types of Natives
12-year-old pot dealer
– Always a product of a teen mommy
Native. Constantly asking you at various inconvenient times if you want to buy some "WEED
, COUSIN?," this Native not only sells shake, he sells really bad
shake that smells like Diesel. Don't try to jack up this kid, only hanging out somewhere near his big brother, or he'll squeal away on his BMX
and come back with two 6-foot tall Natives with failed attempts at Fu Manchu
– Homeless Natives who travel in groups of 3 or more, they drink Listerine
anywhere they damn please, and in a very social fashion. The upside to their obnoxious drunken behavior
is that they always have fresh breath and sometimes go blind for extra lulz
– These red-tainted lolcows
are easy to spot. They always take up your seat on the bus with their fucking Salvation Army baby strollers and corresponding giant fucking diaper bags. They can't control their kids and they sure as hell can't control their vaginas
either. Their favorite place to dwell is in front of Portage Place while smoking
and not paying attention to their multiple unwanted children
– Ever since Twilight
came out and all the twinks
and 16 year old girls
started making snail trails over Taylor Lautner's abs, the more pussy
redskin boys have started to rediscover the ways
of their ancestors
by donning neko ears and fox tails and declaring themselves teenage werewolves in a desperate attempt to get some paleface emo
Indians in Canada are largely similar to those in the United States, but for ease of differentiation, can be divided into two main groups: Natives who were historically barely living off the land (prairie natives) and historically "Fat 'n' Happy" Natives (coastal natives).
Natives on the prairie spent most of their time tooling around the grasslands, killing buffalo, and barely surviving the freezing winters. Their life expectancy was short, and the extent of their artistic and cultural developments was paintings on tepees and half-assed myths about Why Life Is So Shit
. They possessed a vague understanding of the fact that there was most likely something on the other side of the mountains in the distance, but lacked the balls
to go and actually check it out.
Conversely, Natives who lived on the coast (either one, but when in doubt, pick the West Coast—it's always cooler) were essentially able to dip a bucket into the water and pull it out full of money, which they used to buy fish. And when one tired of fish, one could easily eat a full meal of one the many thousands of fresh plants that grew all around. Because of the ease of life on the coast, these natives were able to develop deep societal structures and art that included totem poles, paintings, carvings, masks, longhouses, and decorative boats. They also had huge parties called potlatches where they essentially ate far too much food and gave shit away.
Tl;dr, Coastal Natives > Prairie Natives in Canada.
Of course, all this rich history and culture crumbled when the white man showed up with booze, guns, and smallpox-infected blankets for the natives. Now, the natives have a rich culture of drinking too much, hiding on the reservation, and clinging vainly to old rituals honoring animals killed for food before hopping into their truck and driving to Mac's for a pack of smokes.
Because a solid 40% of Canadian taxes gets spent to stuff the Indians full of booze, smokes, the Devil's Cabbage
, and McDonalds, and Canadians didn't even get to enjoy the same lulzy
genocide the Americunts did, a genuine source of lulz to be gained from Canadian Injuns is listening to them blame the derelict state of their reservation on whitey while their chief spends his hard earned Gub'ment
Jew Golds on a new addition to his beachfront three-story house
. Pointing this out to them and watching them try to stumble through the mental haze of gasoline fumes to justify it is a potential
source of lulz, but bear in mind this also requires getting close enough to one to talk to them
Latin American Indians
Injuns can be president
—just not in Jew Essay.
For all the bitching of Natives in the U.S. and Canada, those in Colombia
, and Argentina
, or most anywhere they're not totally dead
, are literally dirt-poor. Unlike the English-speaking countries, most of Latin America is unmoved by liberal guilt
and therefore tell the lazy Injuns to either get a job
Whereas history class says that the Natives are an endangered people, that only applies to the North American tribes. Entire countries like Peru
are still being run by the successors to the Incas. Even parts of the US have tons of Injuns, with the biggest one being Puerto Rico
, though due to most Puerto Ricans having either a nigger
great-great-great-great granduncle, they tend to just tick off the white box. In other words, there's no reason to think you
're guilty for living here. It was a game
which they lost
and we won
. Move on already.
Feathers and Their Meanings
The feathers a Native American wears symbolize their bloodlust and complete lack of any regard for nature, particularly for endangered species like whales (which they eat raw) and eagles. They are violent killing machines and show off their bloodthirst at all times, but God help you if you point it out, lest you be branded a racist for using a "stereotype" that only they can use at will when it suits them.
Contributions to Society
Injuns, America's First Furries
Prone to eating peyote
, sitting in sweat lodges, and hallucinating that they had "animal spirits," Injuns inadvertently pioneered furrydom in America. Long before neckbearded basement-dwellers
had ever thought of themselves as purple otters
, the Injuns had pictured themselves as wolves
, rubbed excrement
on their faces, and bayed at the Moon
Actually, the only legacy they left behind them are high poverty rates, empty Listerine bottles, and another generation of kids born with F.A.S.
to mooch off the welfare system, as well as the abominable assortment of names which constitute whatever's left of their shameful family trees. Such names include Nathaniel, Jeremaye, Ruby, Eliezer, Eagle, D'Shael, Sha'Nayze, and Makwondah.
Traditional Native American Cuisine
Injun men love white women.
, iron-melting does not exist in South America.
- Frybread – Made from govt flour and bacon grease.
- Government Bread
- Government Cheese
- Government Potatoes
- Maize - You call it corn.
- Road Kill
With all that abundance of government assistance foods, you need something to wash it down with:
- Aquanet - Ingestion of fine hair care products.
- Aquavelva - A cheap aftershave that chugs will typically smell like after they spill it around their grubby mouths while drinking it.
- Gasoline - As they love sniffing it as much as Abbos do.
- I-90 Cocktail or Montana Gin - Take a milk, jug cut it in half, empty an entire Lysol can into the jug, dilute with water, enjoy.
- Listerine - When you want a minty fresh tasting libation.
- Old Vienna - Or simply known as OV, this is the most expensive liquor a native will imbibe; this is typically reserved for special occasions, most notably the first Wednesday of the month.
- Thunderbird Wine - Also known on the Rez as the GOOD STUFF, it is the only "normal" booze Indians drink.
Native Rap Culture
As Natives are an unoriginal and an entirely pathetic race, they have taken to mooching from other cultures, mainly black people's, as they attempt to sing about their plights in a befuddling and embarrassing attempt at hip-hop
. They feel they can relate to the black fellas because black people rap about being poor, getting fucked up, killing whores, and hating and blaming whitey. Natives feel as though being pathetic and living on "the Rez" compares to being black and living in Compton, thus instead of rap music about blacks complaining about their problems, we have Natives complaining about their problems. All of these attempts fail
even harder than the lame
exploits of the Wigger
The only good example of Native rap is The North End Connection
, a group of Natives who sing about the rough times of living in the North End of Winnipeg (of Canada), the city with the largest native population in the world. They are composed of: Chief
Thief, Lance, and some other random gas huffer.
PROTIP: RCMP is the Canadian national police, sort of like the FBI, but also psychotic like the LAPD (in that they'll run you down on horseback, which is arguably lulzier than a vehicle).
North End Connections
The RCMP always chases me:
Once apon a time
it happened last week,
You hear something?
ah fuck, Dammit!
fuckin busted again
...okay what did i do?
The RCMP is always chasin me and i have no fuckin clue why,
The more the more the more gas that i huff it fuckin makes me insane,
and then i do these stupid things and have nobody to blame;
like robbing liquor stores and fuckin punchin old ladies, curb stompin whities, slappin bitches and shakin their babies!-
-Cause im an indian, thats right hundred percent creee
i hang out downtown in a bus shack always drinkin OV,
Nice fuckin shoes you dont mind if i try them on, HOLY SHIT THE FUCKIN FIT - naii boy consider em gone!
I put the nate back into native i dont know my own name
drunk as a skunk cant even walk and always feelin the same
im always puking cause im hammared passin out on a bench
Holy Jesus fuckin god what is that stench...? me.
The RCMP always chasing me cause im a smelly fuckin native and i cant even see!
The RCMP always chasing me cause i beat up my wife with the branch from a tree!
The RCMP is always chasing me cause i stole six cases of Mr. Clean!
The RCMP always chasing me becasue i stink. naii.
A perfect (pathetic) example of a native "rapper"
Throughout living the rough life in reserves and poor areas of the city, Natives have developed their own version of English—not really English, not really Cree, but all around retarded
. Here are some examples of their mystic language.
- Ersch ma boi! – Said to get the attention of another Native.
- Err – Often used in conjunction with the words boyy, buddyy, and shitfuck, it basically means gross, and is said when the Native has a distaste for something.
- Ever Sick – Said when a Native usually has an extreme distaste for something.
- Jesusfuck – combining Jesus Christ and fuck for a double whammy of retardedness.
- Laaaaa Dis Guy – Said to someone who says something that is outrageous to Natives, like "I'm going to look for a job tomorrow."
- McGluck – Doesn't have a meaning.
- Meegwich – Means thank you even though saying "thank you" would make everyone's day less complicated.
- N'ah (pronounced 'en-aw') – What
drunken all Natives say when they agree with something.
- Naii – Often used in conjunction with the word boyy, has no absolute use other than to represent the two words hey! and what at the same time. Cannot be pronounced without clicking your tongue in synchronization with saying the N sound in the word.
- Not evennnnn! – Said when a "lie" is told, i.e. "Natives are cleaner than hobos and have attractive women."
- Shitfuck – Natives usually combine swear words to try and come off as more intense, but they only come off as more retarded.
- Weenuk – Has absolutely no fucking meaning whatsoever; sometimes used in combination with shitfuck and McGluck.
- Aboriginiggers (aboriginals + niggers)
- American Indian
- Bush lurker
- Forest Nigger
- Kawish (for Canadian native Innus who come from Labrador, Newfoundland, Nunavut, and all those shitty territories where nobody but them live. They can be easily recognized as they are all Catholic, fat, and have been smoking and sniffing gasoline-in-a-bag since the age of 5.)
- Prairie Nigger
- Red man
- Wagon burner
The Injuns of Listerine
The Listerine Awards is a highly-sought prize for the redskins, for the winner will get a yearly all-you-can-drink coupon from the line of Listerine products. We present you with some of the Injuns bestowed with the Listerine Award.
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Prominent Native Americans
That Guy From The Village People - legendary faggot
Kneeling Buffalo getting sucked off by some gay fetishest
Injun Joe - foe of Captain America
Larry the minty homebum (known to be able to chug 3 bottles of Listerine in under 10 minutes)
Rare footage of the conquest of the Americas
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What White People Who Like to Play Indian Are Saying about ED
A Native American (sporting a fine pair of fake titties manufactured by chinks and installed by Jews) fights back against Enron in the only way she knows how.
Some gay white guy was seriously butthurt about the accuracy of this article, and so decided to write another blog post
on the subject of "racial stereotypes of Indians."[
Injuns is related to a series on AZNS.