NeoPets

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A typical NeoPet.

NeoPets is that thing your one really retarded friend is into. Since 1999, the site has been feeding off of basement-dwellers, 16-year-old girls, 8-year-old girls, Stalin, pedophiles, furries, autistic people, rapists and your other retarded friend. It's no coincidence that every single NeoPet looks like some rectally induced confectionery concealed in a bag of shit.

Concept[edit]

It is similar in both concept and inexplicable popularity among dumbass kids as Pokémon, but instead of being a shitty gameboy game, it's a shitty Geocities-quality advertisement for McDonald's, and instead of cockbattling monsters, you buy them combs and shit, which are actually just GIF files. Why can't people just go read a good book or something?

When not bombarding kids with ads (for eBay, sugary cereal, fast food, cartoons, merchandise and porn), it is subliminally recruiting them to serve our alien overlords to help them exorcise our Thetans and live in peace on planet Teegeack.

They will also suck your money from you at a cost of $8 a month, or $70 a year, to help get rid of ads, and also to get "premium-only NeoBoards" and a "Super Shop Wizard," which is way better than your average non-Premium Shop Wizard, but they shall continue to advertise themselves on TV, therefore disowning their own pledge to their players, turning into nasty, cock-sucking, money-hungry bitches. The worst part is that people are actually buying this shit. Lastly, no one knows where to put the internal capitalization in any of the NeoWords on NeoPets.

Wielding the banhammer.[edit]

Upon learning that his death sentence was to be upheld, Saddam set his priorities straight.

The NeoPets staff wield the banhammer like Nazis and users can quickly find their accounts frozen for no real apparent reason at any given time. Breaking a tiny rule that was hidden away in a past editorial, or being really good at a shitty childrens game can cause people to report you for cheating. Even uploading a video on YouTube with your username in it are among the many reasons the staff can ban the shit out of a 12-year-old.

Once frozen, you face a barrage of automated replies from NeoPets help bots, often never relating to the real reason you were frozen. Somewhere down the line, a reply will be given saying your account has been "inactive for too long, it can't be returned". And if they do return your account, they won't return anything else with it, unless you're a Neo-Celebrity...so say goodbye to your unconverted plushie Draik, his PetPet (Your NeoPets can apparently have PetPets of their own, who can themselves have PetPetPets of their own... Wtf) and your millions of "hardly earned" NeoPoints.

The site is littered with cookie grabbers, auto-buyers and scammers anyway, so no one really cares about them since they've grown used to it. Not to mention that the NeoPets database have been hacked more than once, despite what they claim. NeoPets has even been known to freeze for things such as existing. Humorously they often have nude faeries in their artwork and have ads on every inch of the page for porn and dating sites, ironically against the rules.

However, TNT (The NeoPets Team) can't be all bad. After all, they have been known to "freeze" users just for being furry, so there's some hope for this site.

Care[edit]

NeoPets, unlike real pets and children, need to be fed and taken care of... Sort of...they can stay "dying of hunger" forever, unfortunately. This is true even beyond the grave so when writing a suicide note make sure that you include instructions for how to care for your NeoPets. Make sure to be a responsible and caring person like Charceo and tell your bff to take care of your NeoPets before killing yourself (and btw, giving your bff your account will get both of you b& from Neopets). That way, even if you're just kidding like Charceo, people will know how like totally serious you were.

NeoPets recently became 5X more awesome (read: barely considerable to play) when it became a Net Authority violator on utter bullshit charges (read: nothing), thus completely stripping Net Authority of its last vestiges of credibility.

Characters[edit]

Artists for this website are actually pornographic artists hired to draw all types of hero and villain characters for plots that the users can interact in, trading cards, shopkeepers for shops, etc.

The artists unknowingly cause themselves uber loss of dignity with the shit they draw instead of making gratuitous amounts of sex.

The "villains" aren't really villains at all. Perhaps it's the large eyes or the furry face. No, that couldn't possibly be the reason why they aren't considered scary or threatening, amirite? With villainous names such as "Sloth", fear should strike your heart instantly. After all, what could be scarier than some guy trying to take over the world and failing miserably? He was DOING IT WRONG.

The "heroes" are really just nothing more than fuzzy sword-wielding animals on two legs. Your mom would like nothing more than to be saved by a furry dude wearing shiny armor and riding a horsey. Because that is OMFGHOTT!!!!!1111

However, you actually can't own a virtual hero or villain, so who gives a fuck?

Bori_Bomber[edit]

Having an old account makes him feel superior.
Even Neopets has it's own version of furries whom are still obsessed with the site. Bori_Bomber, a grown man, is one of those that makes bronies look half dignified. He spends his time making art these days. The fucker joined as a teenager and gained popularity fast due to the fact that males were once rare to see talking on the boards, like a unicorn with a pink anus. He would attract the attention of most pre-pubescent female users (reasoning said above) which made him realize how much power he had over 97% of the population of users whenever he would whip out his tiny e-penis. He learned his special skills with MSPaint and gained confidence when he learned that he could take screenies of newbies that he would beat in the battledome, even though he would only challenge users with weak pets so he could screenie a win for him. His collection of screenies were soon joined when he gained an obsession with stalking the newbie boards to see how many people would talk about him and would screenie every word to patch his incredibly large yet always busted ego with a band-aid.

He sat proudly on his shitty 25 cent throne until the years passed and the new NeoPets layout took over, along with new users that couldn't give two shits about the old royalty that ruled the boards. This also had to do with the severely underaged girls getting over their obsession and no longer sucked the e-penis and were full of PMS instead of fandom. Alas, Bori didn't want to believe that his precious royalty no longer existed. To this day, he stalks the newbie board (and ONLY the newbie board, since the other boards are full of meen users that don't give a fuck about his existence, and let him know it) in hopes that there are still fans of his out there willing to climax at the sight of him. He even goes as far as making his own board (with arrogant titles) out of desperation, and ALWAYS to no avail.


Bori makes a board and no one gives a fuck About missing Pics
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NeoBoards[edit]

Typical old suspension on NeoPets.

The Neoboards are split into different sections including:

  • The Official Neopets Team Message Board: Where nothing is ever posted.
  • Neopia's Style Showdown: Where 8-year-old girls and gay men talk about 'Neopian style'.
  • Avatars/Signatures: Where off-topic messages get modded within one hour and noobs beg for pixel items/pets they could obtain themselves in a few minutes in order to obtain yet another worthless 50x50 gif.
  • Battledome: Where furry abuse is performed and is serious business. This is the only board with a majorly male population, which causes a lot of people to go to the "BDC" so they can get some male attention for a change. The elitists here only talk about the Battledome (duh) which is where your NeoPets can fight each other using various species-specific moves and items, while relying on their HP (Hit Points), Strength, Defence, Movement and Level to defeat the opponent. Sound familiar?
  • Beauty Contest: Full of attention whores and 5-year-old girls claiming to be "artists".
  • Evil Thing and Monster Sightings: Full of 13-year-old emo faggots arguing whether My Chemical Romance or Tokio Hotel is a better band.
  • Fan Clubs: A place where you can discuss your favorite NeoPets.

Have a favourite pet? PetPet? Item? Discuss it here!

Of the now, the FC is just a place for boring scenefags who think they're good at trolling, and the occasional sighting of the classic troll/chatter. Self professed queens of "/fc/" pop up, it is a steaming pile of fag all around, really.

They're watching you masturbate.
The funnest game evar. Spell check... Isn't that what we have Notepad for?
  • Merchandising, where 16-year-old girls can talk about their over-priced made-in-china plushie they bought at Limited Too.
  • NeoPets Trading Card Game: filled with animu geeks that got tired of their Pokémon and Yu-Gay-Oh! cards and decided to invest in cards with pictures of colourful anthro pixel pets and items with made-up names.
  • Help: Filled with virgins who care about NeoPets.
  • Newbies: The best of the boards having donated six million threads about Twilight, Inuyasha and its related ilk, rape, boys, puberty, AIM, ghost stories, and other random crap.
  • Other Worlds: Full of elitist literate faggots that think they're better than the average gaymer, and 9-year-olds arguing whether Jelly World is real or not. It doesn't.
  • Roleplaying (RP): hich is full of Inuyasha fangirls, High Schoolers and fags with their vampire or teens injected with animal DNA roleplays involving Mary-Sue characters with no originality. These "original" characters tend to be "goffic" or "badass" due to their trench coats and/or combat boots. Typical descriptions for said character contain unnecessary details about this person's past and how they angst about being almost raped during their childhood. Don't be surprised if lyrics from shit bands such as My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park appear in the posts to somehow describe just how emo or troubled the character is. Many young children learn to fap here, due to M@ting season wolf roleplays.
  • Neopian Writers: Whose inhabitants are either pompous, Grammar Nazi control freaks, stupid lolcows who want their work "seriously critiqued" and trolls. It is 98% trolls. The sad thing is that some of these people are actually talented writers, but choose to waste their talent writing fics about their pets or some of NeoPets' many gay characters.
  • Virtupets: Teeming with people like you who've got nothing better to do than to eat Pocky in front of your computer while stalking the boards in search of an interesting topic.
  • NC Mall: Where manchildren spend hours trying to trade pixels that cost over 9000 dollars. In real money. Seriously.

And a bunch of other random shit that no one cares about.

If one's post about what they should name their purple pixel cat is to be taken seriously, your NeoPets account must be over five months old (or around that, NeoPet players are so fucking fickle). This way, all the other users know you are not a 'n00b' and can rest assured that you will not hesitate to flood their inboxes with requests for NeoPoints and paint brushes bcuz dats soooo annoying omg. On NeoPets, the longer you've been playing a children's game about virtual furries, the higher 'status' you attain in eyes of fellow Neopians. For example, on a board that's topic is which is the better band (let's say Fallout Boy or The Arcade Fire), the poster with the oldest account automatically ends the argument by posting their opinion on the matter (u all svck, death cab 4 cutie rools!11!). Some boards offer prizes to the poster with the oldest account. There is even an entire fucking webpage listing active NeoPets users whose accounts are the oldest (over TEN years, Jesus Christ). Playing an online game for over ten years where you can dress up your rainbow coloured, talking dragon in pink dresses is really something to be proud of and something everyone should strive for.

Typically, the older accounts belong to adults who need to find a fucking life. These users are not afraid to voice their age on their profiles so the 12-year-old users give them RESPECT.

Neopian Times[edit]

NeoPets brought fail to a whole new level with their digital Neopian News. Artists and writers sprint to submit their work to this newspaper in hopes of being efamous. Below are the examples of what can be found.

  • Archives: The past fail news are kept here. There are over 9000 to be found, so don't bother looking.
  • Editorials: This is where Neopian failures come to complain about glitches in the website, not getting an item, etc etc etc and receive rude replies from the staff. Also a place the staff tries to imitate memes and fails horribly at. And when they aren't imitating other memes, they try to create their own memes, such as: "Good night Mr. Coconut."


   
 
/palmface
 

 
 

—Neopian Times Failure

  • Comics: This is where artists submit their work to be admired by. Most of them are bad ones made in MS paint in one minute with horrible jokes or good art with mediocre jokes. There is no in between.

Trolling[edit]

Not all of them are that cute.

It should be known that the NeoPets boards are arguably the best place for a young, aspiring troll to train, considering the amount of young, inexperienced internet users on the site. Trolls need to take extra special care when wording their topics, since the moderators have a penchant for banning everyone and anything. Meaning, the use of euphemisms in your copypasta is a must. It is easy to troll the common folk of the site, but remember: To truly get EPIC lulz, persistence is key. Just don't get your ass banned unless it's called for, 'cause where's the fun in that?
1. Make an account.
2. Go to boards.
3. Tell everyone who will listen that NeoPets was better before, even if you have no idea what's changed.
4. Correct some grammar.
5. ???
6. PROFIT!!!

Moar trolling[edit]

1. Make an account
2. Play some games and get like 10,000 Neopoints.
3. Go to the Trading Post
4. Look for trades that are supposedly worth "xxx" hundred thousands.
5. Offer "xxx" (some are dumb enough to accidentally accept).
6. Once you got the item(s) discard or donate them immediately.
7. Wait for butthurt NeoMail from the victim.
8. Tell them to send you tit pics if they want their items back.
9. If you get some, ask for moar.
10.Tell them they will never get their items back. EVAR.
11.Witness an hero.
12.???
13.PROFIT!!!

Jumping on the internet bandwagon.[edit]

Sometime during 2010 and 2011 NeoPets released a new storyline for everyone to participate in. SPOILER ALERT: The storyline basically consisted of some random evil thing happening upon Neopia, which forced a witty, petty criminal with a very original name to team up with a female soldier in order to stop an idealist, megalomaniac entity from taking over the world, and after seeing the petty criminal turned to stone, they somehow manage to save the day, overcoming impossible odds, and end up falling in love with each other. Sound familiar?

Also, in an effort to stay family and kid friendly, they named some their chapters after well known memes.

This act seems quite hypocritical, as NeoPets HAETS 4chan and bans anyone for mentioning it or any memes on the forums.

Someone please think of the children! :*([edit]

Connection to $cientology.[edit]

Not 100% appropriate advertising . . .
100% kids and family friendly!
Nobody knows what exactly Scientologists plan on doing with NeoPets.com. Doug Donut, total Scientologist tool and owner of NeoPets, says,
 
 
Mr. Hubbard's organizational concepts are always with me to the point where virtually every aspect of running my companies involves the use of his administrative technology.
 

 

[1]

In other words, he recognizes L. Ron's ingenious business strategy of making people think they need to buy at least one hundred different pieces of shit in order to make themselves happy. The only difference is L. Ron did this with adults and Doug Donut did this with 9 year old girls.

NeoPets hasn't targeted their weak minded adherents to join the church yet, however conversion to Scientology is mandatory for NeoPets employees if they want to be promoted. Archive today-ico.png (archive)


   
 
The negative aspects of NeoPets, all came from the side of Scientology-oriented business structure/psyche. From the very get-go, any employee who applies for a job, will be faced with a couple of personality screening tests. I shit you not, I had a more comfortable time with my SAT's in High School! A lot of people make fun of Scientologists in an ignorant sort of way; they don't really know what goes on behind the curtains, but I assure you, it's not pretty. In hindsight, it's a little ironic that many of the execs are part of the cult, and many fledglings didn't seem to get promoted to that level without first converting (this was the case while I was there).
 

 
 

—Former NeoPets slave

Needless to say, if you applied for a job at NeoPets, you already lost the game.

NeoPorn[edit]

GalleryOfFailAIDs About missing Pics
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Rules if you actually want to troll TNT and/or play the damn game.[edit]

1. Use Adblock.
2. Don't use NC ($cientology).
3. Please sign up for Neocodex.
4. Clraik too.
5. Use these progs: http://clraik.com/forum/downloads.php?do=file&id=105 https://s3.amazonaws.com/Neocodex/neocodex_program_manager.zip (requires neocodex account) and http://www.tankraider.com/userup/1369742042.zip (use captcha until you can check off the "Don't use Captcha" box).
6. Enjoy the ride?

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

NeoPets
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Related Crap:
DigimonPokémonPsypetsSparkledogsSpore

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NeoPets is part of a series on

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Featured article October 17, 2005
Preceded by
Hotornot
NeoPets Succeeded by
DAMN NIGGA