New Age

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Typical New Ager (imagine the smell).

The New Age movement started at least a hundred years ago when Helena Blavatsky did some opium one night and decided that all religions were simultaneously true. (It's only fair to mention that that religion hadn't been invented yet.) According to Blavatsky, humans came from Atlantis over 9000 years ago and that the Age of Aquarius is going to begin any time now. She also claimed that the Atlanteans were descended from the Lemurians, who were hermaphroditic egg layers until they discovered sex and gave birth to the first humans. (Her story about Lemuria was apparently too silly for most people, since they keep making up new "true" stories about these missing places.)

Moar people jumped the bandwagon and made even moar shit up (like Edgar Cayce, who made it up in his sleep). Some, like Aliester Crowley, were also epic IRL trolls who made Christfags wet their pants.

Nobody except fusty druggies gave a shit about this stuff until the 1960s, when some bored teenagers with too much LSD decided to quit their parents' religion for the lulz. Thus the dirty wannabe-Indian (dot or feather, it don't matter) hippy was born.

Today there are now numerous varieties and subspecies of new agers, many of whom have discovered the joys of indoor plumbing since the 60s and cannot be as easily identified as they once were. However, a large portion of them can be found fapping over the coming of 2012, if they aren't too busy selling books full of "ancient wisdom" they made up last Thursday.

Recent studies have discovered that new-agers caused the death of Andy Kaufman.

Beliefs[edit]

Quartz crystal, commonly used for better television reception. Rub two pieces together and they'll make a cool orange spark.

The term "New Age" refers to the completely ambiguous time of change from the current (?) age of Pisces into the next age, the Age of Aquarius. Don't worry your little head about the fact that no one can even agree when this transition will happen, everyone is sure it is pretty damn soon. After this change, New Agers expect the world to be full of "love and light", and humanity as a whole will have ascended to a higher consciousness. Except for you, because reading ED will put you on a lower vibrational level.

Nearly every thing New Agers believe in involves "love and light." All other matters of faith are left up to the individual.

Since New Agers can literally believe anything they want, (and do), there is no standard belief system. However, most New Agers cling to bullshit metaphysics, outdated pseudoscience, and cross-cultural mysticism. Many practitioners will choose some "ancient" belief system, add the prefix "Neo" (i.e., "Neo-Druidism"), and mix and match ANYTHING else into the mix.

There are plenty vampire wannabees and other gothic/otherkin cliques. Also, the New Age movement has an unusually high number of individuals who believe themselves to be the Second Coming (or some equivalent character of speshulness). These people will expect you to worship the ground they walk on and get butthurt if you try to call them out on their bullshit or ask them to clarify what they just said in terms that don't require severe blunt force trauma to the head to understand. Even worse, other new agers will defend and/or encourage them - and then wonder how certain so-called religions got so powerful.

Many new agers are also conspiracy theorists and/or Christfags who believe the evil Illuminati is trying to suppress everyone's psychic powers with unnecessary pharmaceuticals and that NASA and the government are simply hiding the existence of aliens (which they know exist, because they've channeled them). Oh, and if you disagree with them, you're just an evil reptilian disinformation agent, so nyah.

"Magick"[edit]

The man with the plan.

(Note the "k", which denotes batshit krazy.) Some New Agers use this spelling to separate magicians' illusions from their silly rituals. The most common magic beliefs usually include the idea that supernatural power exists, and humans are born with a latent capability to manipulate these powers. This power is frequently called pranha, mana, chi, or some other bullshit they've stolen from the lunatics of the past. Most New Agers will claim they don't believe in Harry Potter-style magic and witchcraft, but it is quite obvious that they secretly wish to themselves that it is real. Aleister Crowley is the modern hero of these types of people, but who honestly looks up to a narcissistic bisexual opium addict? Wiccans believe their "magick tradition" is ancient, but its all made up bullshit, usually involving pentagrams and knives. Other magical beliefs include crystal power, Pyramids, Kabbala, Sacred Geometry, Tarot cards, and psychic powers.

Nature worship[edit]

Since nature is supposedly the source of "magic powers", nature tends to be what New Agers are actually worshiping, regardless of what ever name they attach to it. Vegetarians, vegans, and other environmental jerkoffs can be seen at any New Age gathering, unfortunately, usually in the nude. "But wait, I like naked people." you may be saying to yourself. Ask yourself again if you are ever surrounded by a horned up Wooks all fucked up on LSD dancing under the summer sun.

Spiritual Sex[edit]

Supposedly Superior Sex

Spiritual Sex is also pretty damn common among these smelly wooks, but the variety of ways in which it manifests itself is staggering. A look at some highlights:

  • O.T.O - This is one of Aleister Crowley's surviving sex magick cults. They actually practice magick rituals involving sex, sometimes in groups when the magick requires that special over 9,000 treatment.
  • Raelians - An aliens and volcanoes cult. They don't believe in God and deduce that since our bodies are built for pleasure, we should all just fuck.
  • SUMMUM' - Believe that masturbating is holy. Especially in pyramids, drunk on magick wine, chilling out with mummies. Yes, mummies. These special people will mummify you or your beloved pets after passing for a substantial fee.
  • Indian Mystics - Kama sutra, Tantric Sex, and Tibetan holistic sex. All ways of working at sex a whole lot harder with the benefit of making it less fun. Awesome.



Alternative Medicine[edit]

For a full breakdown see this page

Now yours for only $21.95. While you're there, why not buy her parasite zapper for $169?

Do yourself a big favor, go to your medicine cabinet and throw everything away. In order to expel the western demons from our lifeforce it is important that we move away from the so-called "conventional healing" practices of modern medicine and return to a more natural mode of healing using crystals and goat semen. In order to heal yourself psychically you must imagine yourself standing on an invisible desert, and you are surrounded by beings. Now take this idea and concentrate it into a color.

What color is the color? This is the color of your healing aura, that you must let pass through your lifeforce in order to rid yourself of the disease. Your disease is merely an idea, and it is a part of you. You must overcome your own fears and embrace the truth that your disease is an idea, and you can change it with dream therapy and a healthy diet of white willow and cherry roots. Gaia willing you should recover within two to three weeks.

Do lots of drugs, but not their drugs. Do the Earth's drugs. If LSD or mushrooms can't fix it, nothing will. If your really serious about getting healthy enough to be immortal, you should probably digest nothing but lemonade with maple syrup (grade b!!} and cayenne pepper. Better yet, you should stop eating completely. Our bodies were obviously built to subsist on nothing but Love and Light anyway.

Aliens[edit]

They're really coming, man. Any day now.

As mentioned previously, alien conspiracies are quite common among New Agers, or any other religion made up in the last 80 years for that matter. The aforementioned Raelians believe that we were created by Japanese looking aliens, and they are ready to come back for us. The embassy is already built! According to some, aliens were supposed to make there existence absolutely known in an orgy of love and light (and riots and chaos) on 10/14/08, but as you may have guessed, they were wrong.

New Agers worship the likes of Zechariah Sitchin and Erich Von Daniken, who wrote well-researched and thought-provoking books suggesting that aliens may have built the pyramids and anything else you're too stupid to personally figure out how to build. Show them a statue of a man in a funny hat or some vague squiggles on a cave wall and New Agers will insist that they must be spacemen and spaceships.

Language[edit]

New agers practically speak their own language. This is to keep lower-vibrational creatures like you from understanding their ancient and profound wisdom, because then they might actually have to stop whining about how the average joe just "refuses" to see the "truth". Some choice terms include:

  • Dimension: New agers somehow fail to grasp that concepts like "three dimensional" relate to mathematics, and instead think it has something to do with your level of psychic ability. Thus a "fifth-dimensional indigo" is not, in fact, some kind of Eldritch abomination (bummer), but has (or claims to have) more psi-power than you.
  • Vibrational Level: Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with the setting on your dildo. New agers believe that your body has a mysterious "energy field" (they don't know what the word "energy" means, either) surrounding it, and the higher it vibrates, the higher your level is!
  • Frequency: Nothing to do with - you know - how frequent something is. Natural frequencies are good. What are those? I don't know. Once per day?

How to Identify New Agers[edit]

If you suspect someone of any of these symptoms, back away slowly and don't make eye contact:

  • Behavior resembling that of a menstrual painting lesbian.
  • Displaying ANY pentagram.
  • Dreadlocks, sandal tan, or any other evidence of being homeless on purpose.
  • More than a casual fanship of Tool or music involving pan flutes and drugged out moaning.
  • Paisley print clothing
  • An overabundance of purple.
  • Mentions "the Goddess", Tarot cards, past lives, sweat lodges, indigo children, and/or drum circles.
  • Plans to recreate Atlantean technology.
  • Declares that karma will "get you."
  • Is hawking books on "Native American wisdom."

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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New Age is part of a series on Cults
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New Age is part of a series on Psychology
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Chronic Troll SyndromeDeletionismE-goE-PsychiatristE-PsychiatryETDHivemindI-DosingI have a 140 IQIRC DiseaseImaginary girlfriendInternet Disease & Internet Disease ChartInternet poverty delusionsInternet RehabInternet troll personality disorderMega ultra super geniusNerdy Fandom Gateway TheorySex by associationLulz-BlindnessWikipedia's Greatest Hits Diseases

Experiments:

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Sites:

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See also:

American Psychiatric AssociationAngerASMRChild abuseConscienceDreamDSMEnlightenmentIntelligenceLobotomyPsychiatristySerial KillersTake the meat bridgeThe Law of ConformityTrigger Warning