New York Yankees

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Yankeetop.png
   
 
Have faith in the Yankees, my son.
 

 
 

—Ernest Hemingway in The Old Man and the Sea

Read 'em and weep. Oh yeah, add one for 2009 too.
Yankees logo.png

Very few entities in any sport, profession, or pastime have been as successful as the New York Yankees. It is because of this that the Yankee are considered by many to be the worst thing about American baseball and the most terrible thing to ever happen to professional sports.

Their constant domination of Major League Baseball for over 100 years has created a lot of anger, envy, and sour feelings. Even though the hatred for the Yankees and the smugness of their fans pre-dates most modern media outlets, displeasure with the Yankees and their fans quickly found a home on the internet, using the technology as a sounding board to discuss their team, often causing seizures and apoplexy amongst the faithful and their foes alike.

Even still, with their unprecedented 27th world championship already won and in the books, new drama occurs almost daily, causing even people who have no liking for baseball to scratch their heads and wonder why people are getting so huffy about the whole deal.


History[edit]

Founded in the early 20th century in Baltimore, the club packed up and moved to the Bronx in New York after just two seasons in Maryland. This was not only a shock to local fans, but would also herald the unprecedented practices that persist to this day. Most obvious among these is the club's cherry-picking talent from all over the world and then transplanting it to the Big Apple.

For logistics' sake, the whole section has been collapsed as most readers do not have the capability of reading more than one or two lines at a clip.

[[Cool story bro.][For Baseball Nerds]]

Cast of Characters[edit]

<video type="youtube" id="EvAHj9MHa4c" width="200" height="200" desc="In his time, Mickey Mantle was more famous than God." frame="true" position="right"/> <video type="youtube" id="w5JWkJhnPXA" width="200" height="200" desc="If I go to New York, they'll name a candy bar after me." frame="true" position="right"/>

Great moments in Yankee history: Part 1
Great moments in Yankee history: Part 2
  • Babe Ruth – only the greatest thing to ever wear pinstripes.
  • Lou Gehrig – second greatest thing to ever wear pinstripes. If he hadn't come down with his own disease, he would have been better than Ruth.
  • Casey Stengel – mastermind and creator of “The Evil Empire.”
  • Billy Martin – the second evilest man to ever put on a pair of spikes.
  • Ted Williams – greatest foe of the Yankees and certified lunatic who never won a World Series.
  • Mickey Mantle – drunk homerun hitting god who broke his leg trying to get out of DiMaggio’s way
  • Roger Maris - A Yankee who managed to troll the Yankees by breaking Ruth's single season home run record only to get cockblocked by Ford Frick.
  • Joe DiMaggio – despite what you have heard, he is a better overall hitter than Ted Williams. Also, he fucked Marilyn Monroe.
  • Fenway Park – oldest stadium still in use by a Major League Baseball team. The only reason to ever visit Boston, and even then only when the Yankees are in town.
  • Ebbets Field - the now gone home of the Brooklyn Dodgers. A place where Dodger pennants went to die. Currently the lot that was Ebbets Field is a Home Depot.
  • Carl Yastrzemski –Boston Red Sox player who despite playing in an ungodly amount of games and being the Red Sox all time RBI leader, never won a World Series.
  • Reggie Jackson – the straw that stirs the drink.
  • Fay Vincent – only man ever to dare to stand in the way of George Steinbrenner. He banned George from Major League Baseball, but that decision was overturned by his successor.
  • Bucky Fucking Dent – slayer of green monsters.
  • Aaron Fucking Boone - slayer of dreams and current manager.
  • Rickey Henderson - slayer of the English language. Also known to react favourably when offered crack over the Yankee dugout as he returns from lazily patrolling the outfield.
  • The Bleacher Creatures - Slayer of opposing teams' outfielders. These demanding fun loving characters strike fear into the hearts of anyone (including under-performing Yankees players) within throwing distance. D cell batteries included.
  • Mickey Rivers - philosophical center fielder known for calling people ugly.
  • Yogi Berra – mythical warrior poet who has (count them) 13 World Series rings.
  • Brooklyn Dodgers – eternal punching bag.
  • David Ortiz – fatty steroid using hired thug.
  • Alex Rodriguez – previously the highest paid baseball player of all time; a dubious nickname and title that has been held by 5 other previous players for the Evil Empire.
  • George Steinbrenner – principal pwner and felon, convicted for his part in Watergate
  • Old Yankee Stadium – home of 26 championships.
  • Dustin Pedroia – star of the upcoming move “The Hobbit” (2011) hes now a washed up benchwarmer who is usually ignored by people who play fmatasty baseball
  • Mariano Rivera – You know what's coming, but you know what's coming in horror movies too. It still gets you.
  • Ford Frick – inventor of the asterisk.
  • Robert Merrill - sings the infamous national anthem at every game, old guy that no one cares about.
  • Ron Guidry – a large aquatic reptile that can throw a fastball upwards of 100 mph.
  • Whitey Ford – despite singing the blues, owns six World Series rings.
  • Derek Jeter - probably the greatest player in the history of baseball. Also he's fucked your girlfriend. The greatest player of his generation, gets snubbed yearly for the MVP award due to the media's Midwest bias.
  • Manny Machado- the shortstop they wish they had, but instead went to San Diego, becuase he followed the jew money for the biggest free agent contract in history since Alex Rodreuigez.
  • ESPN - A television network, based in Bristol, Connecticut (Red Sox country) that hates everything the Yankees do.
  • YES Network - Since ESPN treated the Yankees like fags, Steinbrenner bought his own TV network for peanuts and turned it into a 3 billion dollar empire...just for promoting the Yankees.
  • Jew aka Captain Ahab or Don Quixote - The man credited with coining the term The Evil Empire when referring to the New York Yankees, this Boston jew has spent his entire life as the GM of the Boston RedSux with a major league hardon for the Yankees who continue to haunt his every dream. Year after year he has tirelessly spent almost as much Jew Gold as the Yankees on mediocre hitters and old meme pitchers in the futile attempt at building a dynasty that can compete with the Pinstripe juggernaut only to see them leave and become Yankees as soon as they can GTFO of Boston. However, the fact that the RedSux have actually been able to get past the Yankees in the playoffs and win a couple of World Series titles in the last few years is less a testament to his supposed 'brilliance' and baseball acumen and moar a testament to baseball's commissioner Bud Selig inventing the wild card in an attempt to prevent the Yankees from winning in perpetuity.
  • The Subway Series - this is an annual thumping given out to crosstown rivals, the hated New York Mets, both on the field, in the stands and on the NYC subway system. Until the advent of inter-league play starting last Thursday, the lumps were usually doled out in exhibition games prior to the regular season as the Mets are in another league. Since the Mets are a forced meme who have only been around since 1960 -and sucked every year except 1986- there has been little chance of developing the kind of post-season rivalry the Yanks enjoyed with their erstwhile punching bags, the Brooklyn Dodgers of Los Angeles. The only time the Yanks and the Mets have met in the World Series was in 2000 and ended in the usual result -Yankee pwnage. However, the lack of meaningful games between the two hasn't stopped the teams' fans from turning this rivalry into something akin to brutal English soccer hooliganism. Since the only thing that stops Americunt sports contests from developing into fan-on-fan violence is the huge distances between major cities stifling hooligan tourism, there is little chance of the kind of drunken revelry seen in the UK and across Europe. But with the Yanks and Mets' fans living, working and commuting together in the cramped confines of the 5 boroughs, there is ample opportunity for good natured beatdowns during and around games at either stadium. However, since all Mets' fans are either Beaner janitors or Yuppie pussies, violence rarely manifests.
  • Perfect games - The ultimate in baseball über-pwnage, the Yankees have 3 perfect games out of a total of 18 in the entire history of baseball. They also have 10 no hitters including one thrown by Andy Hawkins where he managed to lose by 4 runs despite not giving up a hit. The final count for the fatal inning was four runs, no hits and three Yankee errors, all with two men already out.

Success in Baseball[edit]

   
 
There is no such thing as second place. Either you're first or you're nothing.
 

 
 

—Yankees general manager Gabe Paul

Despite what you may think of George, he is very, very good at his job...owning the Yankees.
The only reason you play professional baseball. Don't let the "purists," writers, or sabermetrics nerds fool you.

When discussing the Yankees victorious ways, the context of how a team is successful must be discussed. The game of baseball is played every year from April until October. Over the course of those months, every team plays 162 games and is roughly on the road during that time for more than 3 months. Baseball is a game where consistency is prized over streaks. Teams that are consistent performers tend to do better, over the long haul, than teams that streak at the beginning or ending of a season. Each team is pretty much guaranteed to win at least a full third of their games, just because of the sheer number of games played. By that same token, they are almost always guaranteed to lose a third of their games as well, so that final one third of games is where the importance comes in. Teams that do well in that final third are usually playoff teams, and one of them will be champions.

Now that you have a bit of context under your belt, think of things this way: the Yankees have won 27 world championships over the last century. That is roughly one championship of their particular sport every four years. This is not just a dynasty, this is a total ownage of the sport and it is also the reason why the Yankees are universally hated by everybody.

How do they do this? Simple, they foster a healthy environment within their own farm system to gather the best young players while massively ripping off every other major star within the league by enticing them away from their current, lower paying team. The game is ruled by money, which to too many fans does not seem “fair” or “right.” But they aren’t the ones who are charged with producing victories so that the team can go on. The Yankees, through massive spending offer a promise to their staff and fans that they will contend within professional baseball every year because the organization is a business that is not measured in MVP players, Cy Young winners, or Golden Glove awards, but is measured in the final victory of the season.

It is not just bad luck that other teams within MLB do not contend every year, the plain fact of the matter is that their owners will not part from the massive amounts of money that the game of baseball makes for them. Some teams, most recently the teams in both MLB central divisions, offer nothing more than a “golden parachute” for their owners and controllers. This attitude, where you grab as much cash as you can and jump out of the plane before it crashes, does little for the game of baseball except embitter fans and alienate younger talent who might have gotten into the game for more than just a quick paycheck.


   
 
Great, but where's he gonna play?
 

 
 

—When a reporter told Thurman Munson the Yanks wanted to acquire Johnny Bench

When the Yankees see talent, they swoop in. They know that most teams do not offer the same honor system that rewards talent. They know that most teams do not offer the legendary status that being a Yankee does. And most importantly, players know that when the Yankees come along with an offer, it will be the largest offer that professional baseball will grant them. other teams within the league just do not understand that to win, you have to pay, and while this concept does not work all the time, it works often enough to validate the use of it.

Red Sox Rivalry[edit]

   
 
ever notice that the 2 socks on a red sock fans hat are positioned to look like 2 letter L’s ? its no accident…double losers..hahaha red sox suck
 

 
 

—You'll see this on a lot of baseball forums.

<video type="youtube" id="jGzZ2xwNSv8" width="200" height="200" desc="Video depicting the rivalry." frame="true" position="right"/>

<video type="youtube" id="zcbCltI2tgU" width="200" height="200" desc="Trying to curse the Yankees." frame="true" position="left"/>

Hogbeast Red Sox fan with a queer Boston tramp stamp.
Shelly Duncan broke this ten year old's heart with this autograph.

Novices to Major League Baseball, the Internet, trolling, and human history assume that the New York Yankees are the chief rivals of the Boston Red Sox. It is because of this assumption that they fail and never fully realize the scope of which normal, everyday, sane people truly loathe that team. As far as rivalries go, it is pretty much the New York Yankees versus just about the whole world. Everybody hates them. This includes the media (both types: old and online), the fans, people who don’t watch baseball, your grandmother, tribe after tribe of African bushmen, and literally everybody ever born.

Nevertheless, there are some bland old Red Sox fans who insist upon trolling the Yankees and the Yankee fans. They often do this by citing:

  • The Yankees were never good until they got a Red Sox on their team. (When was Lou Gehrig on the Red Sox? The Yankees never won a world series until after he was on the team.)
  • The Yankees are all a bunch of steroid users. (Like Big Papi and Manny Ramirez?)
  • The Yankees spend too much money! Their win ratio of dollars to championships is dismal! (The Red Sox are second place in salary and have only won 9 championships. The Yankees have won 27. And Boston is still behind the St. Louis cardinals also who have 11.)
  • Cheering for the Yankees is like cheering for US Steel! (Unless you actually like your team going more than 80 years between championships.)

In the end, there really is no rivalry between the two teams. For a rivalry to actually work, the teams have to actually be locked in a struggle that remains mostly equal. Since the re-emergence of the Red Sox as a baseball power, their fans seem to think that winning two World Series Championships means that the rivalry is renewed, but in reality, for there to be any semblance of parity between the two teams, the Red Sox are going to have to win another 18 championships. For that to happen on the current pace they are on, they wont achieve such parity until some ungodly year like 2478...by which time baseball wont even be around anymore.

Red Sox Yankees Gallery[edit]

Red Sox Yankees Video[edit]


<center>This Red Sox fan about has a stroke defending his team.</center>

<center>When Yankee fans travel to Fenway...</center>

<center>Throwing a Red Sox fan out of Yankee Stadium.</center>

<center>Average Yankee fan.</center>

<center>Yankee fan getting thrown out of Shea. Another rivalry of sorts.</center>

2009 World Series[edit]

The face of the Angels. Watching your season dissolve into yet another "might have been."
With George Steinbrenner pretty much out of the picture, Brian Cashman is the new emperor of the EVIL EMPIRE.

In recent years, interest in baseball has slid a bit due to the fact that nobody really cared about what was going on. Sure, the Red Sox finally managed to put together two teams, at the time, with championship power and finally got rid of the 86 year drought they were in, but other than that, there were very few spikes on the Major League Baseball radar. Something had to be done.

Reasons why Major League Baseball sucked from 2000-2009:

  • National League Central
  • American League Central

Yes, both of these divisions produced World Series Champions, but guess what? Nobody was watching.

Early in 2008, Brian Cashman, utilized the mighty Yankee checkbook and went out and acquired Mark Teixeira, AJ Burnett, and C.C. Sabathia in deals that would bankrupt most third world countries. The media screamed bloody murder and the collective baseball world audibly groaned that this sort of thing would be the death of baseball. These acquisitions would energize the Yankee lineup and arguably became major factors in their 2009 World Series Championship.

Now, with the Yankees back on top, baseball is right again. The obnoxious Yankee fans can wobble their chins and point their fingers skyward while drinking cheap beer down at the local dive. Svelte and smug ESPN prognosticators can shake their heads in shame and repeat such lines as "This is truly what is wrong with professional sports." And pretty much the rest of the world can bawww about the fact that their National League Central team sucks total ass.

Because of this "righting of the world" baseball is alive again! More internet blogs are being set up, more talk columns are furiously being typed at, and more sports betting sites are going crazy asking "is this the start of yet another Yankee dynasty?" Who can tell, but most people who watch this sort of thing are guessing that yes, it will be the start of another dynasty. Not only did the Yankees overpower most of their opposition, they are moving pieces into their lineup currently that will further solidify weak spots that need to be addressed in seasons to come.

Little did they know that ten years from now, all they have from this 2009 deal is a constantly injured CC Sabthia who’s going to retire soon. How to troll everybody when they start badmouthing the Yankees:

Yankee Quotes[edit]

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


   
 
He'd give you the shirt off his back. Of course, he'd call a press conference to announce it.
 

 
 

—Catfish Hunter on Reggie Jackson

   
 
I know, but I had a better year than Hoover.
 

 
 

—Ruth's reply when a reporter complained he was making more money than President Herbert Hoover

   
 
Just one. Whenever I hit a home run, I make certain I touch all four bases.
 

 
 

—Ruth on if he had any superstitions

   
 
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
 

 
 

—Yogi Berra

   
 
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
 

 
 

—Yogi Berra as Yankee manager

   
 
There's always some youngster coming up, they'll find somebody...
 

 
 

—Joe DiMaggio, when asked who would replace him. "Somebody" was Mickey Mantle.

   
 
Every time we make trouble, ol' George flies out here from another part of the country and gets in our way. Maybe we should make a lot of trouble, so he'll keep flying out here. Sooner or later, his plane's gonna crash.
 

 
 

—Dock Ellis on George Steinbrenner in spring training, 1978

   
 
I know Koufax' weakness. He can't hit.
 

 
 

—Whitey Ford on Dodgers ace Sandy Koufax during the 1963 World Series

   
 
So many ideas come to you and you want to try them all, but you can't. You're like a mosquito in a nudist colony, you don't know where to start.
 

 
 

—Reggie Jackson on being in a hitting slump

   
 
As a ballplayer, I would be delighted to do it again. As an individual, I doubt I could possibly go through it again.
 

 
 

—Roger Maris on breaking Babe Ruth's single-season home-run record

   
 
Honestly, at one time I thought Babe Ruth was a cartoon character. I really did. I mean, I wasn't born until 1961, and I grew up in Indiana.
 

 
 

—Don Mattingly

   
 
The great thing about baseball is there's a crisis every day.
 

 
 

—Yankees general manager Gabe Paul

   
 
Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.
 

 
 

—manager Casey Stengel

   
 
The Yankees don't pay me to win every day just two out of three.
 

 
 

—Casey Stengel

   
 
Son, we'd like to keep you around this season, but we're trying to win the pennant.
 

 
 

—Stengel to a Yankee rookie

   
 
Ninety percent of the putts that fall short don't go in.
 

 
 

—Yogi Berra's theory on golf

   
 
If I played in New York, they'd name a candy bar after me.
 

 
 

—Reggie Jackson

   
 
He's gone from Cy Young to Cy-anara
 

 
 

—Graig Nettles

See Also[edit]

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