Nicotine Warrior

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Nicotine Warrior Sleeping/Attempting to appear dead. And then the police.

The Backstory[edit]

Last Thursday on June 8, 2010, Kyle (who attends/attended the University of British Columbia as a Philosophy major) posted on 4chan that he would an hero while broadcasting the event on tinychat (his username was subtlephilosoph1148.) What was Kyle's master plan? An hero by overdosing on nicotine. Why did Kyle want to an hero? He was 50 Grand in debt due to school loans and didn't want to inconvenience his parents. Kyle's identity was discovered when he drank out of a UBC beer mug and claimed that he was majoring in philosophy. A quick google search by a clever anon found that Kyle's facebook page did indeed match Nicotine Warrior's tinychat video.

Nicotine Warrior's Plan for An Hero[edit]

As things went along, Kyle revealed his genius plan. Kyle claimed he could extract pure nicotine from a tin of SKOAL. Kyle started this process at 7:00pm. Over the next four hours, Kyle demonstrated his extreme egoism and pretentious personality by philosophizing about Sartre, Nietzsche, and John Rawls. When eager white knights bitched about his apparent an hero attempt because the internet is srs bsns, Kyle explained that he, "just wanted to impart some wisdom before it was time." At about 11:00pm, the fag believed that his nicotine potion was ready and it was time to become the Nicotine Warrior.

The Nicotine Warrior mixed the "pure nicotine" with a cup of coffee and proceeded to stir the fucking cup for an hour bitching that the coffee was, "too hot."

"Final Words" and Nicotine Warrior makes his name[edit]

The Nicotine Warrior's "final words" were some combination of bullshit from the movie Into the Wild and his ill-conceived personal philosophy. "Life is really about relationships. Remember that and think about it."


Nicotine Warrior then drank his cup of coffee/nicotine extract. He promptly vomited all of the beer he had been drinking for the past four hours along with any possible nicotine extract and his cold coffee all over the floor of his apartment while /b/tards could only observe the situation. After Nicotine Warrior's fascinating technicolor yawn, everyone was relieved that nicotine warrior had survived. The whole thing would have been dismissed as a failed trolling attempt, but Kyle appeared to be in genuine discomfort over his webcam.

Luckily, one anon finally did the right thing. Known as "dd" the viewer phoned the campus police to try and save Kyle's life. Kyle exaggerated severe stomach pain with some non-convincing acting, when the worst that could have happened to him was being hung over.

DD calls the Vancouver Police Department[edit]

"DD" spoke with authorities at UBC and encouraged them to make contact with Kyle and get his stomach pumped. Later on, Nicotine Warrior started to come out of his SKOAL induced coma and became alert. He started discussing shitty emo bands with other video members in the tinychat. It appeared that Nicotine Warrior had made a complete recovery. Kyle got up off of his couch and proceeded to make a chicken sandwich. NW went to his kitchen and prepared the last meal before his arrest.

Troll Gets Trolled and NW Gets Involuntarily Committed[edit]

Around 1:30AM, while Kyle continued to discuss bullshit philosophy with his newly found e-buddies the Vancouver Police arrived to Kyle's home. Sirens could be heard through Kyle's webcam, and the whole tinychat room knew he was fucked. Kyle believed that "the police are always on this campus." He believed that the police were going somewhere else. Unfortunately for him, he was wrong.

Kyle checked out his window and was was unpleasantly surprised when he discovered that the police were outside his window. He yelled to the cops that he "would come around." Kyle crossed back in front of his computer for the last time.

Several minutes passed and eventually Vancouver Police were seen on the tinychat video feed. The police obviously did not realize they were being broadcast on tinychat. The police took photos of the vomit-laden room and continued to pass in front of the webcam. Eventually the camera was turned off by VPD and Nicotine Warrior was involuntarily committed to a mental institution.

He may not have succeeded in his quest for an hero. Although many anon were relieved by this, some anon may feel slighted -- and for that, we must never forgive and never forget!

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