Ninja are ancient, near immortal killing machines. They are born to kill, live for killing, and can only die at the hands of another ninja.
Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.
Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).
Lifecycle of the Ninja
Ninjas are originally born from a falcon, wolf, bear, fox, and dragon all having sex at the same time. After the mating ceremony is complete a levitating ball of pure ninja energy erupts out of the dragon's heart.
This ball then goes through a dormancy stage, where it remains in a volcano until a thunder storm with the capability of destroying the state of Idaho forms. After the ball of energy senses the storm that meets its standards, it levitates directly under the projected spot of where the biggest lightning bolt will strike. It then proceeds to turn its energy into a beam of pure light at the exact moment of the lightning strike. When the lightning makes contact with the beam of light it then proceeds to combine and destroy all light in the world for twenty seconds.
A new dimension forms for the twenty seconds, and from there a ninja emerges. They are the incarnation of all the professionalism, badassery, stealthiness in the world times two. Pissing a ninja off typically means death within the next three hours.
—Elliot Spencer, Of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation
A ninja's life is spent in battle with other ninjas under the employ of a shogun or emperor. Ancient blood feuds stretch across the millenia as the ninja combat for honor, glory, and gold from their masters.
Ninja "clans" form out of these rivalries. Older ninja teach the young ones the way of the ninja while the young ones do most of the fighting. Older ninjas are not to be underestimated, however, as they know secrets of the elements and dimensions that no living being should posses.
When not fighting (99% of their day) they like to play guitar or attempt to surprise buttsex unwitting humans for their own amusement.
These days Ninjas are an endangered species. Due to a lack of shogun and Emperors to employ them, money is thin and many ninjas can not even afford the basic necessities to survive. A few wily ninja have started seeking shelter with human roomates, but this is a stopgap only as the ninja population continues to decline.
As furries have begun to fuck all the falcons, wolves, bears, foxes, and dragons, there are few participants available to create the energy ball needed for a ninja to reproduce. With the constant ninja warfare and low birthrates, ninja are going to be extinct within the next 100 years. So think of the ninjas: kill a furry today!
Types of Ninja
According to Robert Hamburger, author of The Official Ninja Webpage and the subsequent book Real Ultimate Power, the ninja are mammals that fight all the time. However, Robert failed to acknowledge the existence of non-mammalian ninjas, such as the reptilian, robotic, and undead varieties.
Epic *Uber rare!* - These ninja are like the typical ninja, but instead of being trained at killing one person and getting the fuck out, they kill one person and then rape fucking everything within a two mile radius. Examples of the Epic ninja are Raiden, Ryu, every old man who lives at the top of a mountain.
The civilian ninja - These ninja are even harder to detect than other ninjas because they hide out in the open. The trick is that when someone sees them, they look like a normal person. Signs that your friends may be civilian ninja include: Killing a fly by throwing tacks, not making noise when they walk, and never losing. EVAR.
Pimp ninja - possibly the only way a ninja could ever be considered not cool. If you are a pimp ninja, you dress in purple lined with white tiger fur, use a pimp cane as a sword, and call fucking everyone you see either a white boy or a black person. These make up about 5% of ninja population, and 1% of pimp population.
Pirate Slayer - These ninja are similar to the epic ninja, though not quite as awesome. They hang around in barrels until they are stolen by a not-so-witty pirate. They then kick out the top, and beat the shit out of every pirate on deck, and if availible, has sex with the sea wench. He then walks on the water to shore. rinse, repeat.
Magic Ninja - if they can teleport, breathe fire, or walk through walls, they are either Jesus Christ, or, more likely, a magic ninja. These ninja have no edge over typical ninja besides the fact that they are freaking MAGIC! There are few left, because long ago, they always got into epic wars that lasted ten years before an epic ninja busted in and showed them how a real man rolls.
YouTube Ninja - These ninja teach you all the secrets of the Ninja right out in the open on YouTube so everyone can be a Ninja like them. All you need to do is dress in all black and run around with a Katana and mutter a few Japanese words. Greg park is the most professional of all YouTube Ninjas, so you should learn how he does it. After all he has hundreds of videos to prove his infinite knowledge.
The finest examples of each group of ninja is shown below-
- The typical ninja is best classified as sharing at least one quality with a stickbug. Yes, a stickbug. I mean, think about it. Have you ever noticed a stickbug until you picked up a twig it was hiding on, and went to break it, but it ran away? Eggs-actly.
- If you want to learn how to be an epic ninja, play Ninja Gaiden. The main character is just about the only ninja who has absolutely no desire to be stealthy. In turn, he was forced to become the first epic ninja. Raiden ensued several years later, after recovering from being a bisexual faggot. Then you should kill yourself, because there's just no way You'll ever have that much awesome.
- Civilian ninja are everywhere. We can't give an example because nobody knows they're ninja, retard.
- pimp ninja like to hang out in dark alleys. The best pimp ninja is that guy who sells drugs in the alleyway next to any local Wawa.
- Since the only people who make movies about pirate slayers are faggots, there are no examples of a real, not gay pirate slayer.
- Magic ninja live in the hearts of Narutards everywhere. The best magic ninja is naruto, a skitzo with a fox in his head telling him to kill people. He also has no social skills and once told his wet dream subject to fuck off.
Ninjas in action
- Afro Ninja
- Ashida Kim, a famous (but very fake) ninja
- Day of the Ninja
- Deadliest Warrior
- Ninjas can't catch you
- Ninja Gaiden
- Ninjas vs. Pirates
- User:Ninja, a real ninja
- IRL Ninja murder suspects.
- BBC NEWS | Europe | Russian 'ninja' arrested in Italy
- Ninjas Vs Pirates: Beware Pirates!
is part of a series on Web 1.0