Ninja Gaiden

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The way to tell Ryu from the original games is he wears blue, not black.

The original NINJA GAIDEN for the arcade is a lot like the original Street Fighter game, totally unmemorable when it was a Double Dragon style, punch fest, quarter pumping game with no real goal except to kick the shit out of all the gang members it throws at you until you get to the end of the game. One of the reasons the original arcade cabinet sucked is you're a Ninja in a game called Ninja Gaiden and you don't even get a sword except as a power-up.
Then along came the NES and Tecmo took what was best described as a turd, polished it up with one of the most bad-ass stories on the NES, fairly decent music and hard as fuck gameplay with spot on controls and nothing but gold was found which led to three of the best games to ever come out on the NES and in more modern times, lead into a franchise of games including the pervert inspired, pedophile favorite DOA games.

The NES Games[edit]

Ryu Hayabusa, making Ninja like Naruto look like fags since the 80s

If you're like any of the Editors at ED you can get through all three original NES games in under four hours and without even dying. If you can't, that's one of the reasons why you're a failure.
One of the problems people do have with the original games is Nintendo Of America putting them up for download on its newer systems like the Wii, The Wii-U and the Switch and not putting in anyway for the player to alter the controls like the jump button because in the original NES controller the A Button is on the outside which led to it being possible to do a very natural jumb attack by sliding your finger inward. With the newer systems the controls are backwards with the A button on the inside making it almost impossible to do the jump attack that is necessary in these games if you want to keep those damn birds from hitting you the second you jump from a narrow perch and insta-kill you.
Our advice, if you do want to play these games do them on the original NES because the downloads on the newer systems don't keep in mind the original game aesthetics. Even the SNES collection fucks this up. Buy it as a collectable and not for play if you have a need to throw money away for a set of games that you can buy the entire collection of 3 for 1/4 the cost on ebay if you buy them for the NES and a better gaming experience because you can't truly appreciate Ninja Gaiden 3 unless it's played on the NES.
There are two things you need to know if you want to become a fan of this series. 1: Get used to the "You Suck, try again loser," chime when you die because you will hear it a lot. 2: Ryu Hayabusa is the most bad ass, Mother Fucking Ninja to ever walk the Earth and he can whipe out a city block simply by reading 13th Century Japanese poetry. He is not a fag like Naruto and in the time it takes him to kill 5 ancient demon gods, 20 army battalions, 2 third world countries and the countless nameless thugs they send after him, Naruto and Sasuke might finish up one of their slap fights to see who's biting the pillow tonight.
Let's try it this way, if Ryu Hayabusa was the main character of DBZ the series would be 3 episodes long.

Ninja Gaiden I[edit]

Everbody was Kung-Fu fighting...

This game is probably best known for it's contribution to video games in the form of a story that evolves as you progress through the game. Before Gaiden, a game's story/objective would usually be given in the form of a very generic summary within the manual - eg. “HELP! Our Princess is missing!” - you were then left to get on with it alone until The End... and back then after beating the Final Boss you'd be lucky to even get a snide comment thanking you for having wasting $45.
When Ninja Gaiden came out, all the manual did was rehash what you could easily find out from the opening scenes, explain spells and special weapons and gave basic profiles of the characters that would be met in game. To be told the story the player had to advance the game by completing stages and if it weren't for youtube, most people would never see these games' endings because the majority of people who play these games now expect the hand-holding, quide you through to the end for an easy win games of today and actually whine and cry that they can't get through the first board, because by their logic: Older games = easier.
This is a game that takes pride in how hard it is and was another one like The Legend Of Zelda that Nintendo didn't want to release in the US because they thought it would be too hard for any Americunt's short attention span and pitiful brain power.

Plot[edit]

Gun beat Ninja

Ninja Gaiden opens pretty much like every Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragqueen style kung-fu movie since the 1970s, Ryu Hayabusa, the titualar ninja of Ninja Gaiden seeks revenge for the death of his father in a duel.
Following clues, Ryu gets shot by a girl who will later become his girlfriend, because boobs, and meets up with a man named Walter who informs him about a demon named Xenu who was defeated by the great Ninjas of yesteryear and confined into 2 statues (one Light and one Dark) that he and his father stole from L. Ron Hubbard.
Things happen, Walter dies and the Light statue turns up missing.
This is where Ryu meets up with the tinfoil hatters of the C.I.A. led by a guy named Foster who informs Ryu of a hidden temple in Clearwater, Florida that L. Ron Hubbard recently took over hoping to bring about the end of the world.
Ryu goes to Florida and after a plot twist, gives up his statue to save the girl who shot him because, pussy and fighting through the catacombs he comes across a warrior named Bloody Tampon, or Prince Charles of England. After pinning his ears back, with his last dying breath Prince Chuck tells Ryu that his father is still alive. Ryu goes forward and gets attacked by his father who is posessed by thetans. Able to hold his own, Ryu destroys the Scientology Cross that controls his father, thus freeing him and his credit cards.
Pissed off at Ryu for freeing his father, L. Ron Hubbard tries to sneak up behind Ryu and R245 him but his father jumps in the way, protecting his son. Ryu Kicks L. Ron's ass. During this time, an eclipse happens and the two statues are transformed into the Galatic Overlord Xenu. Not being much of a threat to him Ryu decides to bore Xenu to death by reading him Leah Remini's book until Xenu's blood turns to stone and Xenu implodes.
Ryu's father Ken, realizes he is near death and beyond saving so he orders Ryu to leave him. Outside the pussy, we mean the woman introduces herself as Irene Jew and at that exact moment she receives a message from Foster to steal the statues and kill Ryu. Irene tells foster to go fuck himself because penis. The game ends and all is right with the world again.

Ninja Gaiden II[edit]

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This is the second game of the NES series but Canonically it is the third.
Critics raved the game for maintaining the difficulty and not selling out to loser players by making the game easier.
Critics raved that the graphics, controls, sound and music had all improved immensely since the original game but slammed the story for being very cliche and predictable. Despite this it is often considered the best of the NES Ninja Gaiden trilogy.
Improvements include that Ryu can split his body into Shadow Clones long before Naruto even thought of using the idea to surround Sasuke and use him as the Monkey in the middle for a Circle jerk. These shadow clones massively increase Ryu's power and make it appear like their are 3 people fighting if the player uses them properly
Ryu can now climb straight up walls and not have to jump between 2 to go up.
This is probably one of the bloodiest and most censorored games on the original NES and includes dripping blood on swords, blood flowing across the floor and the use of realistic firearms, all of which get censored later in the SNES Collection.
One song in this game, The Parasprinter has been remixed and used in other Modern Ninja Gaiden Games.
Many fans point to the censorship that Ninja Gaiden faced on the NES as the reason why it took almost 10 years for the game to return back to home systems on the original X-Box because this game was more proof of games like Final Fantasy that could be distributed in Japan unchanged but had to be heavily censored before arriving on Americunt shores.


   
 
Most fans agree that Ninja Gaiden II had some of the best music for an NES game.
 

 
 

—Metal Cover Above

Plot[edit]

Tecmo presents 1980s hair. Go feather, spike and gell. ATTACK!
Ga hq art contest ninja gaiden 2 by mawnbak-d6mq8l7.jpg

The events in this game happen 1 year after the original.
With the help of a US Special Forces member Robert T.S. Ryu finds out that an Arab wizard named Asstar has kidnapped his piece of ass Irene Jew. Ryu arrives at the shrine where Asstar and Irene are; just before Asstar can stab Irene with his giant, barbbed, demon meat sword Irene instanly has a massive period losing 1/3 of her blood.
Pissed that he's still stuck with his V-card because he won't screw a girl on her blood cycle, Asstar attacks Ryu out of sexual frustration. Getting his ass kicked in the fight, Asstar sends both Irene and his giant barbbed, demon, meat sword into the Realms of Chaos for shits and giggles. Looking to rescue his piece of ass, Ryu follows.
In the Realm of Chaos, Ryu finds Irene and L. Ron Hubbard who he thought was dead. L. Ron has taken the giant, barbbed, demon meat sword and made it his own, replacing his teeny-tiny original one with the goal of completing Asstar's original objective.
L. Ron makes a comment about trying out his new barbbed, demon meat sword out in Irene's ass, because she's so boyish looking, pissing Ryu off and he and Ryu fight. Obviously, L. Ron gets his ass kicked again but as the blood pours out of L. Rons ass where Ryu's boot is still stuck it touches the giant, barbbed demon meat sword reviving L. Ron as the Galactic Overlord Xenu.
Because this is the perfect awakening of Xenu, Ryu has troble fighting him and has to borrow power from his Dragon Sword. After finally killing Xenu, Ryu's Dragon Sword shatters, the Realm of Chaos close and Ryu escape with Irene.
Being a half Azn half Jewish drama whore, Irene ups and dies. Just as he, Ryu starts to mourn the death of the best piece of ass he has ever had the energy of the Dragon Sword returns to revive Irene because, hero reasons.
Roll credits.

Ninja Gaiden III[edit]

Ninja Gaiden III The Ancient Ship of Doom.jpg

The third game in the Trilogy and canonically it happens between the first and second games.
This is probably one of the most advanced games produced for the NES in that it had multiple scrolling grounds where the forground scrolls faster than the background. Unfortunately, this graphic mechanism didn't make it into the SNES trilogy release and has yet to be seen in modern re-releases on the Wii or Pee-u.
Some of the more noticable gameplay improvements were the Dragon Sword got an extension turning it into a giant Scimitar, an idea that would be later stolen by Inuyasha.
This is the first Ninja Gaiden game where Ryu is actually wearing a scarf during game play and not just in cut scenes, a fashion choice that gets him made fun of by Yaiba in Ninja Gaiden Z.
Surprising for an American audience, the difficulty was increased for US audiences. The game was given a limited number of continues, the password option was removed and more monsters were added in the stages making the American version harder than the Japanese.
Powerups can now be seen in their jars without having to break them open.
Ryu screams "HA!" When he swings his sword.
Ryu's jump has been changed. He jumps in a longer, wider arc but is more difficult to control mid-jump.


Plot[edit]

Ninja Gaiden 3, now with Disney Dylan and Cole twink hair.
Ninja Gaiden series.JPG
Ninja Needlepoint pattern.
Ryu hayabusa wallpaper by hellstinger64-d39jc1r.jpg

Ryu has been framed for the murder of his favorite piece of ass Irene Jew . As he sets out in the obvious, obligatory hero fashion to clear his name, Ryu finds himself at Irene's last location, N3-SH. There Ryu meets a wannabe Stephan King Character named Clancy who tells Ryu to investigate the factory at Castle Rock Fortress.
Ryu meets former tin hat, CIA associate Foster. Foster denies any involvment in Irene's death and leaves a doppleganger copy of Ryu that kicks Ryu's ass because plot. As per CIA, Foster's orders, the bionoid spares Ryu's life and it is here Ryu learns a bio-noid copy of him murdered Irene.
Ryu presses on and along his way he comes across Clancy again who in Scooby Doo fashion tells Ryu everything. Clancy and Foster were part of some bad Stephen King experimentations being performed by a government black agency called the factory in what was called the Biohazard Plan that planned to use the energy Ryu released at Castle Rock fortress when he slew Xenu. Using this new energy, Foster created these super powered bio-noids including Ryu's doppelganger.
Ryu finally arrives at Castle Rock Fortress and mad that Ryu supports Our god Emperor great leader and man above men, Stephen King spins a bad plot and throws Ryu's doppelganger at him again while having Irene Jew predictably resurface.
Aiding Ryu, Irene shows her huge and fantastic B Cup Azn breasts to Ryu's doppelganger which stuns it for a second allowing Ryu to destroy it. During all this toplessness and fighting Stephen King decides that Clancy should assume control of the Castle Rock ruins pissing Foster off.
Stephen King decides that the Tardis should appear and whisk clancy away. Because he couldn't come up with a good way to kill him, Stephen King decides that when the Tardis jumps dimensions it will leave a crack in Space Time and Amy Pond will jump out and inst-kill Foster with a death beam. Ryu follows Clancy through the crack in space-time and survives because STORY but Irene has to stay behind because she's a woman and Ryu has said he wants Sammiches and beer when he gets back.
Now inside these Trans-Dimensional ruins, Stephen King decides to bring back Ryu's Doppelganger again instead of creating a new character.
After some time Ryu comes across Clancy again who informs him that this Trans-Dimensional world is actually a giant Warship that Stephen King has written Clancy will take and use it's power to destroy every living thing on the Planet Earth's face so that Stephen King can repopulate the planet with characters from The Stand, the Gunslinger books and that Emo Hearts of Atlantis nightmare.
Angered by the idea of living in a world with obvious plot twists, bad writing about girls throwing bloody tampons at each other, a bad case of the flu and characters ripped off from Spaghetti Westerns and James Cameron movies Ryu becomes enraged killing Stephen King and Clancy before crashing the Ancient Ship of Doom into the ocean and teleporting back to Irene ending the worst game in the NES Ninja Gaiden Trilogy.

Gallery[edit]

See Also[edit]


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