Last Thursday, Nintendo shat out an unveiling video that didn't really show anything about the console per se, but rather a desperate attempt to grab the attention of hipster faggots, feminist dykes, neutered parents and Nintendrones. Anyone is guaranteed to look like an insufferable dumbass holding one in their hands.
- 6.2-inch LCD touchscreen (1280 x 720)
- Maximum resolution of 1080p 60fps when plugged into a TV
- Nvidia "customised" Tegra processor
- 32GB storage. So enjoy buying a microSD card for more storage.
- 802.11ac Wi-Fi
- Ethernet internet through optional adapter
- Bluetooth 4.1 (on tablet)
- Bluetooth 3.0 (in Joy-Cons)
- NFC (in right Joy-Con for Amiibo support)
- Stereo speakers (on tablet)
- PCM 5.1 channel audio in TV mode
- HDMI output (on dock)
- USB Type-C port (on tablet)
- 3x USB 2.0 ports (on dock): USB 3.0 support to be added at future date
- Headphone/mic port (on tablet)
- MicroSD card slot (on tablet; plus microSDHC/microSDXC support)
- Game cartridge slot (on tablet)
- 4,310mAh battery (on tablet; up to six hours of play on one charge)
- 525mAh batteries (in Joy-Cons; up to twenty hours play time)
- No mic or ability to chat online. So you on your phone to talk to other people.
Nintendo Seal of Quality
Now to put the cherry on this sundae is that this console suffered from a disastrous launch that would make the PS4 and Xbox One blush. Oh, but don't worry. Nintendo will patch everything later and will make everything good again. After all, it's okay if Nintendo does it. However, this doesn't change the fact that the Switch is underpowered, as usual.
The price for the Switch costs around $300 USD as of March 2017. If factored in the hidden costs of buying accessories and the like, you will most likely shell out at least twice the Switch's initial price to get the full experience out of this console.
Unfortunately, this shoddy "modernization" of Nintendo's image doesn't seem to budge their rabid fanbase one bit. They will spend their hardly earned income for this piece of underpowered crap without a single thought. This means that Nintendo will continue to make dubious decisions throughout the Switch's life cycle.
Here's a small list of what games you can buy for the Nintendo Switch:
- 1-2-Switch: The Switch's own Wii Sports that's not bundled with the console, unlike its predecessor.
- Animal Crossing: New Horizons: Another exciting entry in Nintendo's most juvenile franchise, whose only adult fans are either furries, homos or women. Was delayed from a 2019 release to March 2020.
- ARMS: Shitty Punch-Out!! clone with amputees.
- The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+: A Christian roguelike game.
- Collection of Mana: In case you want to pay $40 for three ancient games you can easily play for free on emulators.
- Cuphead: A shitty 30s animation throwback boss rush disguised as a shoot 'em up. Also on PC, Xbox One and soon, even fucking cars.
- Dark Souls: Remastered: A shitty remaster of a game from 2011. Get it on the PS3 instead.
- Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze: A 2014 Wii U game that was ported to the Switch to help fill out its barren release calendar in the first half of 2018.
- The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild: TEH BEST GAEM EVAR!!! Also includes a Day One DLC expansion pass and an . Was also released on the Wii U.
- The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening: A 2019 remake of the 1993 Game Boy classic. Its toy-like character designs were quite off-putting to many fans of the original.
- Lego Worlds: A far superior version of Minecraft. You can also buy it for the PS4, Xbox One and PC.
- Mario Kart 8 Deluxe: Another port for the Switch of a game from the failed Wii U.
- Mega Man 11: A sequel to a franchise that died for the fifth time. Also on PS4, Xbox One and on the PC.
- Minecraft: Bedrock Edition: A game you can get on literally every platform ever.
- New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe: Another fucking port.
- Octopath Traveler: A full priced, $60 console game with graphics on par with something you'd find on the Game Boy Advance.
- Pokémon: Let's Go, Pikachu! and Let's Go, Eevee!: A Pokémon Yellow remake, but with Pokémon GO mechanics.
- Pokémon Sword and Shield: Generation VIII Pokémon, with a region based off a place no one cares about.
- Pokkén Tournament DX: A Pokémon-themed Tekken fighting game. It is another Switch game that was already on the Wii U.
- Race with Ryan: Forget Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Team Sonic Racing and Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled, this is THE must-have kart racer for Switch owners.
- I Am Setsuna: A Chrono Trigger ripoff.
- Skyrim: Seriously, it's yet another game released back in 2011. Just buy the PC version on Steam instead.
- Sonic Mania: A game that you can also buy on the PS4, Xbox One and PC as well.
- Splatoon 2: More loli and shota trash.
- Super Bomberman R: "Whoa! He's big! What!?"
- Super Mario Maker 2: Let's be real, this is another fucking port. You're not fooling us calling this a sequel, Nintendo, adding in Boom Boom doesn't make it a brand new game.
- Super Mario Odyssey: A Sonic Adventure ripoff featuring the Italian plumber instead.
- Super Mario Party: Although an improvement over Mario Party 9 and 10, Nintendo somehow still won't put in full online multiplayer, and only allows you to play some minigames with friends via its paid Nintendo Switch Online.
- Super Smash Bros. Ultimate: Yet another port of a Wii U game to the Switch. Smash Ultimate is just Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, but with "everyone is here" (except Waluigi).
If you haven't already noticed, the Switch is full of ports and multiplats of games nobody cares about.
Also, as an added incentive for paying for online monthly, you get to keep one NES or Super NES game (of Nintendo's choosing) per month. Once that month has passed, however, the game is gone and you have to buy it again at full price.
Nintendo Switch Online
Because Nintendo wanted to follow the paths that Sony and Microsoft are doing by introducing a shitty online service you pay $20 where you can play an NES game and multiplayer like the PS4 does. Not happy that Nintendo is adapting to today's video game market, Nintendrones screeched all over the Internet about how they now have to use their parents' credit cards to play online (not that it matters as nearly every Switch game can be perfectly fine without Internet), and boycotted the Switch for free online play BECAUSE IT WORKED SO WELL LAST TIME WITH THE WII U HAVING FREE ONLINE PLAY!!!1!!.
Nintendards created an unofficial mascot for the console (as previously stated), a short anthropomorphic puppy. Sick fucks from tumblr and 4chan immediately made hundreds of pictures of porn on this shit, draining the low quality semen of thousands of pathetic mentally ill nerds and shocked dozens of NSA agents spying on them.
- Amiibo - The Switch supports these.
- Etika World Network - Lol this nigger is dead.
- Nintendo 3DS
- Plastic crap
- Wii U
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