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North Dakota

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Staring at the wind-polished snow dunes in the middle of April, one imagines that liberal jiggaboo Al Gore discovered global warming on a jenkem trip.

North Dakota: A big fucking piece of nothing. (Yes, it actually exists.) Colder than Maryland. Residents usually have to build bonfires in cars to stop the antifreeze from freezing. And even then, the fire usually ends up freezing. Hell, the snow even freezes.

North Dakota proves that a state can be made entirely of fail, under-age drinking and gun-toting rednecks and not be Alabama. Some argue that North Dakota actually is Alabama, only frozen over and without the niggers. Also, North Dakota is the most religious state in the Union after South Dakota, which makes life in the state very hard.

Oh, and there are also Indians. The kind with the feathers, not the dots. They are known to withstand the worst of snowstorms, walking at least 100 miles in -60 degree weather to buy a 40.

It has also been postulated many deeds and promises will finally be carried out, as Hell has indeed frozen over.


   
 
North Dakota sucks.
 

 
 

Everyone

Facts about North Dakota

How to troll injuns in North Suckota: Be a morally upstanding gambling magnate, then build a new hockey stadium for your shitty backwater college, complete with a statue of the oldfag injun leader in front of it (without their approval of course). Watch as lulz ensue.
Typical night in North Duurkota.
  • Has a population of no more than 99 people, if you include cows.
  • Has a college hockey team with the nickname "Fighting Sioux." Some injun tribes try to make the white man believe they actually give a shit about this and are doing other things rather than spending their government checks on Plastic Rims, McDonalds, and Natty Ice. The native american assholes thought the name was offensive so they had a bitch fit and forced them to change the name.
  • Has nothing worth visiting, if you want to see anything you may think is worth seeing in North Dakota, its probably also in some other state.
  • Is really fucking cold.
  • Half the state is really fucking flat, while the other half is dominated by the Badlands, making it uninhabitable.
  • Has no trees, except for the ones that have been under water/ice for millenia.
  • Is not home to Mount Rushmore
  • Is not South Dakota, but equally as boring.
  • Is not Canada, but is very thankful for the obscene amounts of money Manitobans are willing to pay for Velveeta and baked beans.
  • Everyone suffers from seasonal affective disorder but are too lethargic to an hero
  • The only thing anyone does is drink themselves into oblivion.
  • There is only 1 computer in North Dakota.
  • It is required for all residents to hate South Dakotans and Native Americans.
  • Residents do not believe in black people because there is no such thing as black people in North Dakota. They're just those strange white people painted black for television. These nonexistent niggers flooding from the local airbase are also hated because they steal our vapid, pale obese wimmins.
  • It is actually a rumored to be a state but in fact nobody knew "dem buuk lernins" enough to correctly write their constitution in order to be a state.

Famous North Dakotans

  • Lawrence Welk, leader of a shit band.
  • That one guy who coached the Chicago Bulls back when they didn't suck and now coaches the even suckier LA Lakers.
  • Ralph Engelstad, a Nazi who owned a casino, built a $100 million hockey arena to troll the injuns, and threw birthday parties for Hitler. Wait. He was from Minnesota.
  • Mexican rapist Alfonso Rodriguez, who killed a pretty white girl, was partyvaned, and was given the death penalty. Oh, he was from Minnesota, too.
  • The guy who bones Fergie.
  • Dru Sjodin, the girl Rodriguez pwned. Nope, Minnesota again.
  • The Unabomber. Whoops, no, that was Montana.
  • Roger Maris (who still holds the record because there is no such thing as black people)
  • Danny the Tourette's Guy.
  • Ulillillia, the most fucking insane person on the planet.

North Dakota Discovers Emos and the Internets

On Friday, February 23, 2007, WDAZ, the Grand Forks news station staffed by alcoholic University of North Dakota graduates (Fact: UND's communication program lost its accreditation in 1992), discovered emo. They immediately unleashed their research team on the internet, unearthing such unfunny websites from at least 100 years ago as the "I must be emo" YouTube video and some quizilla quiz about quitting IRL for the win. As WDAZ is made of fail and AIDS, they took this shit seriously, interviewing overweight 16 year old girls and even a sheriff's deputy.

   
 
We don't understand it because we don't have that pain.


 


 
 

—not what you say gothic, but close to it.

   
 
all black hair...it covers one eye. The point of this is they'll only see the world in half view.


 


 
 

—Emo is short for emotional.

   
 
Some of them cut themselves and they like to wear tight clothes.


 


 
 

—Emos, or emotional people, are first noticed by what they wear, but it's what they do that's dangerous.

   
 
There's a point system with this fashion...the emo scale is what they call it.


 


 
 

—You hit the jackpot if you attempt complete suicide.

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