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Novell

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Novell CEO, Jack Messman is well-known amongst the Freemason community.


Novell is a publicly traded software company (listed as NOVL). They were founded at least 100 years ago upon the release of NetWare, a program used for sharing files over a LAN. Netware remains one of their headline products today and is used by no more than 99 people worldwide as a marital aid. Novell's core operations are not that fancy, employing over 9000 people in over 43 countries, the company became huge by providing an unlimited supply of donuts for their staff. This led to the increased expense associated by having special chairs built for all the fatties.

Their products are well known, and aside from NetWare include: ZENworks, Border Manager, Ximian, the Jack Russell Bestial Dildo and Nsure. More recently, Novell bought out SUSE Linux, and are now pushing hard for their Windows based NetWare customers to migrate to an open source Linux environment. Of course the customers just can't get enough, and shriek "More! More!" while salivating all over their keyboards.

The structure of Novell's company is rather confusing at first. The head bone is connected to the neck bone, but the neck bone is connected to the knee bone, which is probably the main cause of confusion. It is obvious that the company is merely raping communist programmers in order to strengthen the price of their shares.


A state of the art Novell computer screen


Like many other major software companies (see Microsoft, Sun Microsystems, and Adobe), Novell invests some of its profit in underdeveloped nations. The idea behind this plan is to establish education and other community facilities that breed cheap programmers who will obey their every command, and wear the corporate uniform which includes a very short vinyl skirt and see-through blouse. This kind of corporate development and 'charity' also ensures that foreign nations remain poor. This is due to the injection of Novell capital into the host nation's arse, causing inflation to rise, local software businesses to remain undeveloped, and develops an over-dependence on Novell products in order for the nation's technological infrastructure to survive. Charity work also acts as a tax deduction in many nations, meaning that Novell is able to spend its tax money on drugs, and then charge host governments outrageous prices for software licenses.

People who use Novell products will often appropriate them to a corporate environment. Novell control the critical networks of companies such as: Honda, The Washington Post, Cathay Pacific, British Telecom, Star Alliance, and British Airways. The company also controls a number of regions in the United States, not only do they control the city of Los Angeles, but also the government networks and zoological parks for the entire state of California.

Novell CEO Jack Messman is quite prominent amongst the Freemason community, and has used his company's products to rig elections and wage international war in the past. Famous people who rely upon Novell products for personal gain and pleasure include: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Bush, Martha Stewart, and Bill Gates. It is not known whether Messman plays a direct role in the programming of Novell products, however it is widely suspected that his products contain a backdoor that enables Messman to watch over your private parts while you sleep. If this was in fact Messman's own work, then it is assumed that he programmed this feature by summoning Satan, during a secret occult ritual that took place not very far from the White House. Trapped in the living world, Satan bargained with Messman, agreeing to write code for Novell so long as the CEO agreed to send him back to the underworld once he was finished. Since few people believe in Satan these days, it is assumed that he still works in the dungeons of Novell, most likely in Bangalore, India.

Since last thursday, Novell owns lunix. However, because Microsoft owns all of the workings of linux and unix and actually invented UNIX, Microsoft has agreed to be a nice friend and not sue anyone who uses novell. This means if you use linux but not novell, you're a criminal and need to gb2prison.

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