Ouija Board

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An early Nirvana board by The Swastika Novelty Company. SIEG HEIL!
Women being retarded.

Ouija (pronounced wee-jah by human beings and wee-jee by retards) is the brand name of a so-called "board game" that some extremely gullible individuals actually believe has the magickal ability to make contact with ghosts, demons and your creepy dead uncle who molested you all those years ago. The entire "game" consists of only two pieces: a heart-shaped piece of wood with a hole in it that is referred to as a "planchette" and a cutting board that is typically inscribed with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0 to 9, the words "yes" and "no", and the word "goodbye" or "farewell" for when the spoopy ghost that you're speaking to has finally had enough of your bullshit.

The Ouija trademark is currently owned by Hasbro and the game has been known for causing numerous outbreaks of delicious E-drama mainly due to the fact that Christians are dumb cunts who actually believe that Ouija—much like Dungeons & Dragons, Pokemon, Harry Potter, Marilyn Manson and Teletubbies—is a gateway into the occult and Satanism. This is made even more hilarious by the fact that Ouija users primarily consist of 8-year-old girls, 12-year-old girls, 16-year-old girls and 45-year-old women who hoard cats and have never gotten laid.

Ouija has also spawned two officially licensed PG-13 rated horror movie "adaptations" that are both essentially just Ringu style bullshit with Ouija boards.


Ouija: Origin of Ouija[edit]

Spirit Boards or Talking Boards were originally invented by members of the Quanzhen School of Taoism around 1100 AD for the purpose of communicating with spirits. Eventually the Qing Dynasty that ruled China from 1644 to 1912 decided to ban these boards after realizing that they were causing the people to become lazy since they would do nothing but sit at home all day long asking random spirits to send n00dz. By the 1800s, spirit boards had found their way to numerous areas around Youngstown, Ohio, where they were used by witches and occultists to pester departed souls.

The first person to have the brilliant idea to attempt to market these spirit boards to the ignorant masses was an Americunt huckster from Maryland named Charles Wesley Kennard who, after reading a 1886 article in the New York Daily Tribune about the kewl new craze that was sweeping Ohio, decided to team up with Ernest Christian Reiche, the local coffin maker, to begin mass-producing the boards and selling them to dumb schmucks. Kennard repeatedly attempted to patent the amazing concept of a fucking piece of wood, but was repeatedly struck down by the U.S. Patent Office due to how fucking stupid "his idea" was.

Kennard's pattern of failure continued on for several years until a local lawyer named Elijah Jefferson Bond took interest in Kennard's stiff board and decided to drag his sister-in-law Helen Augusta Peters Nosworthy, a supposed spiritual medium, down to the patent office to help them shill the product. Helen chose to show off the power of the board by asking it what its name was, to which the board replied "Ouija". When asked what "Ouija" meant, the board then replied "good luck". On February 10, 1891, Kennard was finally awarded his patent thanks to Helen's display of mental illness.

Unfortunately, Kennard was an utter fucking moron and soon allowed one of his employees named William Fuld to take over production of the boards. Fuld quickly began slapping his own name on the product and even began taking credit for Helen's interactions with the board. In the public eye, William Fuld was soon viewed as being "The Father of Ouija" despite the fact that he stole the idea from a guy who stole the idea from witches who stole the idea from the rice niggers.

Now realizing that he had missed a golden opportunity to make some serious ducats, Elijah Bond also attempted to enter the talking board market in 1907 by producing the boards under the brand name Nirvana and the business name of The Swastika Novelty Company. Unfortunately for Bond, he had already DUN GOOFED and the Ouija brand could not be overtaken.


How 2 Ouija[edit]

A typical weegee board.

You ask the ghost questions while placing your hand on a moving piece called a planchette and the ghost "guides" your hand to the answer on the board, generally by spelling shit out. It should come as no surprise to you that this is total fucking bullshit yet sadly, many people are stupid enough to believe it. Some argue that you can actually be possessed by a demon while playing this game, but anyone with half a brain in their head would easily identify this as complete nonsense. Overall the game is boring, time-consuming and has no real objective, it's just a board with the alphabet, numbers, and the words yes and no painted on it. If you even want to call this thing a "game", it's certainly not worth wasting your Jew Gold on it. The normal people who actually bought the game were bitterly disappointed that they wasted their money.


OuijaPatent.jpg

But How Does It Work?[edit]

Itisamystery.gif


HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! The game actually works because your "friend" that you're playing with is moving the planchette in an attempt to troll you, you daft bitch.

My Little Ouija: Witchcraft is Magick[edit]

   
 
Ask the Questions Girls Want to Know
 

 
 

—Ouija for Girls' tagline


Ouija brand tampons.

In 2008 Hasbro decided to release a Toys Я Us exclusive pink Ouija set aimed at young girls. The set was priced at $19.99 and included 72 question cards and a pink carrying case. Naturally, Christian parents immediately began to flip their shit after realizing that Hasbro was attempting to lure their innocent, young daughters into joining the occult and communing with Lucifer himself and started to call for boycotts of Hasbro and Toys Я Us until the evil pieces of neon-pink plastic crap were removed from store shelves and doused with holy water.


   
 
I am APPALLED. APPALLED that this product is being marketed to our precious daughters! This is like putting LIPSTICK ON A PIG! This is not an innocent game! This is not cute fun for little girls!
 

 
 

—Pmann Archive today-ico.png (archive)

   
 
Is this for real? These boards are so dangerous. I would never allow one of these in my house but giving it to kids!?
 

 
 

—Krista Archive today-ico.png (archive)

   
 
Encouraging children to play with the demonic world, really?!

Just when I thought I'd seen it all. Terrible idea!
 


 
 

—Reviewer Archive today-ico.png (archive)

   
 
Laugh, if you want to. What is your child worth to you. Hopefully, more than this. Aim Higher.
 

 
 

—Anne Young Archive today-ico.png (archive)

   
 
Amazon -- if you want to sell these occultic Ouija boards to adults, go ahead. But DONT market them to children. This is a dangerous window to the occult. You play with fire, you will get burned.
 

 
 

—By Grace Archive today-ico.png (archive)

   
 
This is an evil game, MUS BE DESTROYED!!!!!
 

 
 

—AlserviciodeCristo Archive today-ico.png (archive)


Christfags vs. Ouijus Christ[edit]

Christian Ouija

Because Christians dislike fun and don't like anyone else to have it, the Catholic church and other branches of Jesus' vampiric cannibal cult have been known to speak out against things such as Ouija, Pokemon and Harry Potter.


 
 
“Playing” with a Ouija board is engaging in occultism and definitely not an option for a Christian. Seeking wisdom apart from God, especially when it involves calling upon familiar spirits or the spirits of the departed, is clearly forbidden in the Bible. No matter how innocent Ouija boards may seem, playing with Ouija boards can be an opening for demons to invade our hearts and minds. Satan is a liar, and he masquerades as an angel of light. The enemy of our souls has fooled many people into thinking they are communicating with spirits of friends or family members, when in fact they are in contact with demons.
 

 

—Christians, on Ouija Archive today-ico.png (archive)


Of course, we all know the real reason that the Christian establishment is opposed to Ouija.


   
 
That priest raped and murdered me and buried my body in the woods.
 

 
 

—Anonymous Child Spirit contacted by Ouija

I̸̢̡̕Ţ̕͘͟ ̴̕͢͢͞W̶̸͢͠͝A̧̢͘͟͝S͏͘͞͡ ̧̧̛́͟N͝͞͝E̷͢V͢͠͞E̛͢͞Ŕ̕͘ ̛́͟J̴͢͝Ư̷̸͝͝S̨̀͠͝T̶̕͠ ̷̵́̕A͘҉ ̸͟͢͠G҉͡A͡͠M͘͜͠E͏̷̡̢[edit]

OuijaRaep.jpeg

Ouija: The Game: The Movie[edit]


Weegee: The Movie

Weegee 2: Electric Boogaloo


OuijaMovieGif.gif

MacOuija Meal[edit]

Ouija meal.png


   
 
Ohhh your soo excited to give children satanic weegie boards…… bafoonish America just lovingly keeps giving over its ways and its children over to Satan.
 

 
 

—Concerned Christian Archive today-ico.png (archive)


   
 
Seriously is this a joke????!!!! What you try to kids turn them into ghotic or in demon cult?? Are mc Donald that stupid!!!
 

 
 

—Concerned Christian Archive today-ico.png (archive)


List of Talking Boards[edit]

Other names for these overpriced pieces of kindling include:

Trivia[edit]

  • The name Ouija originates from the French and German words for yes. Be a real Douche to everyone you know and pronounce it Wee-Yah then refer to this factoid when they say you're pronouncing it wrong.
  • Blindfolded, all people can produce is gibberish. No one has ever produced actual words in a scientific setting.


Dramatica: The Mystic Oracle[edit]


YES       卐 DRAMATICA 卐       NO


A B C D E F G H I J K L M

N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0


FUCK OFF RETARD


SpoopyGhost.gif

Galleroui[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Videos[edit]


Some faggots using a weegee board.

Weegee Commercial

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


History of Ouija


Christians Being Insane


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