Overwatch

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search
Atomic.gif Warning!
TRACER IS GAY, JACK IS GAY, MERCY LOVES ROBO DICK
JK Rowling? Is that you?

Overwatch is a legal parody of Team Fortress 2 made by Blizzard Entertainment. In the year 201X, tired of coming up with new ideas for old ass IPs such as a shit MMORPG and Diablo that don’t involve pandas or cows, Blizzard came up with Overwatch after Michael Chu binged watched Two Best Friends Play Half-Life, Borderlands and ALL of the X-Men movies in release order. Through stacks of mountain dews and tacos, our hero comes up with really original ideas like having a base on the moon, having an UN-sanctioned military force which plays as a combination of a superhero and police squads NAMED OVERWATCH and jumping through the timeline in small bites to make plotholes seem planned rather than be there out of lazyness. Oh and a talking gorilla is the head of the organisation. Someone watched X-Men: First Class. Metzen and Jeff shouted “Brilliant!” together and quickly bought the rights for everything Overwatch related, as there was no other game in this world call Overwatch other than this one. So good job to the developers for managing to keep at least one thing original.

The current price of this game is between $59.99 to $39.99, which is a weekly allowance of an average Generation Z teenager, proving the demographics they are looking for. There's literally no blood in this pussy ass game because it's trying too hard to keep it PG 13 with all the killing that is going on. It also appeals to weeaboos because there are one-dimensional waifus everywhere and two Japanese fags that are brothers or some shit. You're forgiven if you forget about the boring bowman. The other weeb takes over the plot completely because this game's proto-title is called The Shimada Bro: Genjiwatch Files. Either way, they speak badly-accented Engrish and are from Japan. Which proves that this shit game is appealing to weebs and all their faggotry. It made a few hundred million doolas somehow, but sales are going low because of the dreaded Overwatch killers whom disappear after a few months.

And a character was revealed to be ghey only after a controversy happened to distract the BBC. That for real.

Purpose of the game[edit]

You kill people and they die. Probably drinking bleach afterwards to unlock the final achievement in this game.

Plot[edit]

This is what the fandom actually believes.

LOL U EXPECTING PLOT FROM AN ONLINE MUTIPLAYER FPS? Only plot that exists in this game are the tales of bitching about what to nerf, and newbies who can't play for shit defending their nerfs. The other plot is available on rule34's Overwatch SFM section.

The lulzy thing about Overwatch is that the main developers promised the players old and new lore aka lots of backstory, and interesting characters, which is an odd thing coming from a Call of Duty clone. What we got instead is LORE™, blank slate characters that are so stereotyped you stop and wonder how a confederate flag wearing character like Jesse McCree can actually exist in the distant future of 207X and a main plot so bad it makes Gears of War 2 look like Shakespeare.

The fags who still booth up the game rather than ragequit also have no idea what's going on. Some believe only the comics are canon. Others say the comics have nothing to do with the game. Others simply follow JK Rowlings' twitter account and take everything she sneezes as canon like the sheep they are. Others realised the cutscenes from the current season passes of the game unintentionally made the comics obsolete, so where to take the story from?!

But if you really want a snippet, you can go watch their unoriginal shorts about undeveloped shit characters with undefined storylines who are literally just racial stereotypes. Like Lena Oxton, carpet-muncher first, time travelling pilot second. (THE 'AVALERY 'S HERE!!!!) Did we mention the accent? And the less we talk about the Shimada bros the better. Any sane human being will mutilate themselves from hearing these fuckers moonspeak in their Engrish. They are all representations of different nationalities by fucking 'Muricans, so you know if you are a Swiss cheese you are bound to be a neutral white flag raising pussy medic and if you are an American, you are a shotgun-toting, zombie-hobo pyromaniac.

There is also some gay gorilla from the moon who fucked his master to death or something but you don't need to know more about that, we don't know what the hell he does after Overwatch is revived, either. This guy has a pet hamster he willingly takes to battle because Overwatch is that desperate for personnel. You might also be wondering what the title signifies: nothing. It really doesn't matter if you're playing as the head of the evil organisation called Talon (really?) or if you're the sanctifed version of The Doctor from Team Fortress 2. You can play as Widowmaker and have Moira on the same team despite the latter turning the other unwillingly into a human killing machine. All four members can play on the same red or blue team like a twisted tag team from any Halo game. Which begs the fucking question: who the fuck is on whose team? Apparently some shit source that claims to be canon other than rule34 Overwatch, says that all the heroes are fighting each other because some shit about the black guy and French cunt starting some kind of war because ???? and despite that your so-called good characters is still being aligned on the same team as them because ?????

Fags also claimed that the game isn't canon to the game (lolwut even this magnitude of stupidity is not expected from a game this retarded), so this means that the real official canon is literally rule34 and the game cannot even be trusted to tell it's own generic and done story.

'Lore'[edit]

That's not Reyes.

Here's how it is. Sometime 20 years in the past, circa 205X, Overwatch was created as a response to fight the Omnic Crisis. Omnics are a bunch of toasters created in the shape of humans rebelling against society because they were tired of being humanity's shiny slaves, even though the Paris map shows they can have jobs AND have relations beyond babysitting with humans. At some point, they attacked Pola-Swizterland, which triggers the war, and has a future waifu named Mercy lose her parents to the attack and not become Batman. Talon, an evil organisation pretending to be Umbrella, funds the Omnics campaign against humanity despite most members of Talon being humans themselves. ....You tell us.

Mercy left before the fall of Overwatch

During the first war Overwatch hires a faggot named Jack who is so incompetent in his job, another fellow super solider named Reyes creates Blackwatch. A secret Black Ops branch of Overwatch that's so secret, it lets Overwatch rookies like Lena spar with an over-focused emo cyborg who just can't get over the fact his brother tried to kill him and failed in open observation 'cause Overwatch wasn't cool enough for him. Mercy gets all hot and bothered over the ex-mafia guy trying to curbstomp her friend because she got to livestream Spore with his vaporwared body. Blackwatch tries to kill a human gangster, they do. One member gets angry about it but nobody cares.

She's just visiting
Just one year after, everyone dropped the beret uniforms for no explained reason, Overwatch hasn't fallen so far and Genji forgets his emo phase despite not yet meeting Zenyatta. Overwatch tries to stop an Omnic gangster, they do. This robotic guy has something to do with Talon but nothing with the friggin Omnic Crisis by being their most trusted accountant? Which is why Overwatch sent a tiny tax-paying Strike Team to stop his devious accounting plans months/weeks/days? before its shutdown by ???? Some time after, the main base was attacked by ???? and Overwatch finally fell. Sad face :-(

Before this, Mercy left and Ana, Overwatch's second-in-command, was shot in the eye by a reformed Widowmaker. Mei, another scientist with zero personality, gets frozen chronogetically until Frozen 2 gets released. Torbjörn, the series' mascot and unfortunately residue of The Hobbit movies, drops his magnetic shit and got back being busy with his wife. Reinhardt gets sad, ragequits. Zarya (pictured above) loses her family and loved ones to the Omnic bots making her an understandable roboist. She meets Sombra at some point and finds out her true identity but does jack shit about it. Widowmaker shoots the robo-Dalai Lama equivalent of the series ded which triggers the eventual fall of the organisation OR the second Omnic crisis (the timeline is that confusing) whom we still know nothing of, who happens to be Zenyatta's serial numbered brother. Zenyatta is a breathing dildo who used his pain and angish over losing his brother to completely focus on a human's recovery to find his self worth once more. Self-worth he might've gained with or without Zenyatta's help. Yes, that human is Genji Shimada. Notice a pattern here?

Unimportant, Genji is not here

Cut to present time, 6-5ish years after. Winston, a Beast character turned gorilla to avoid lawsuits, presses the recall button to summon the still alive ex-heroes to... uh... fight Talon? The second Omnic crisis? Because he felt like...? .... They uh .... summon more heroes that have family relations with the ex ones? A famous musician who loves frogs? An autistic architect? A few Omnics despite FIGHTING AGAINST THEM? A bunch of Arabs because diversity? A gamer is you? A Fortnite cowgirl rip-off?

....uh.... oh yeah! Genji gets better 100% by now. He and the other Mary Sue doctor can be fucking. Weebs, rejoice!

These few paragraphs took three years to collect.

Three. Fucking. YEARS. President Donald Trump was still a Republican candidate when the game was first released.

....

HA HA OH WOW. Did you expect real plot? Sucks to be you matey. All what Blizz cares about is your wallet.

OverwatchStory1.pngOverwatchStory2.png

The fucking nerve.

Seasonal Events[edit]

The only reason people keep coming back to this shit game is limited time seasonal events, which are used to milk extra loot box sales despite the game already making billions of dollars from regular sales alone. Events are pretty much the only new content this garbage ever gets (which is then removed after three weeks because even new gamemodes gotta be limited time to keep people logging in.)

These events are:

  • Summer Games - A summer/Olympics themed event running from late July to late August. This was the first seasonal event and the start of the loot box controveries, as originally the event wouldn't even let you buy the event cosmetics with ingame credits. Wasn't until after Forbes complaining about the event that they changed it. The event introduced a new mode called Lucioball, which is a blatant Rocket League ripoff. As enjoyable as the mode was (and actually was more fun than the base game itself,) Blizzard being Blizzard removed it after the event ended, because you don't play the game the way you want to, you play it the way they want you to.
  • Halloween Terror - A Halloween event in October, and the first event that allowed the purchase of event items with ingame credits. However, with Blizzard being the jews they are, event items cost x3 the cost of normal items. Of course the Blizzcucks ate it up and will defend that extortion anytime anyone brings it up. The event also introduced a PvE survival mode called Junkenstein's Revenge, in which you defend a castle from robot zombies. PvE is something the casual Overwatch fans have wanted in the game since it was first revealed, so Junkenstein's Revenge was a pleasant surprise for them. But again, after the event ended it was removed from the game. Michael Chu claims it's an AU of the main game (lol which one?) but does jack shit with that info. Witch Mercy is the only fappable thing from this event, at least some good came out of it.
  • Winter Wonderland - A Christmas themed event in December, ironically the most forgettable out of all the events. Introduced two new gamemodes: Mei's Snowball Offensive (where for some fucking reason you only get one shot) and Mei's Yeti Hunt, a ripoff of Team Fortress 2's community gamemode VS Saxton Hale. Ironically, this is the one event mode people don't mind is taken out with how shit it is. Just play an ice level found in any other game and you have the same experience for free.
  • Lunar New Year - To check another box on their diversity quota and also to kiss the feet of their Chinese market, Blizzard made a Lunar New Year event just to boost loot box sales in Asia. However, this event added a mode that so far that hasn't been taken out: Capture the Flag. The downside is Overwatch's interpretation of CTF is campy bullshit and super fast manoeuvrable characters that are impossible to catch. Mei's Snowball Offensive is more fun than this garbage, yet CTF was the only event mode made permanent.
A Warframe sperg complains about the timelocking of a fucking story mode.
The Blizztards rebuttal to the criticism of timelocking.
  • Archives - This is the most Blizzardy thing Blizzard has ever done. Archives is not a holiday themed event, but an event about the Overwatch 'lore'. The event introduces annual PvE missions that only last a few weeks that add to the Overwatch 'lore'. Yes, that's right. A fucking story mode, something that used to be a staple for video games and something the fans wanted for the game ever since it was announced, is locked to an event that only happens every April. The main selling point of this entire game gets updated only once in a whole year. Considering story mode is absolute horseshit, maybe it's good thing for our dirty, dirty souls.
  • Anniversary - And finally, the most controversial event out of all of them. What could be worse than timelocking a fucking story mode? How about an event that is nothing but loot boxes? No new modes, no new core content. Just pure loot boxes. Specifically: A shitload of Legendary rare skins, and dancing emotes that are locked to this event and cannot be obtained except from May-June. "Thanks for playing Overwatch. Now buy more loot boxes goyim." Not even making all past event items and modes available during the Anniversary could save this event and even led a lot of people to actually quit the game. When casuals will realise all of these events are basically the anniversary event but with pretty highlights is the day we'll finally get rid of this game for good.


   
 
Overwatch is like a garden I regularly piss on biannually
 

 
 

—Mikey Chu

Comics[edit]

These comics were supposed to give the Blizztards actual backstory to the characters they love before the current Archives event made them obsolete. Still, even before that happened from 2018 onward, the writers had no excuse to leave big gaps from one comic to another and have hilarious inconsistencies between them that are still unfixed to this day. The artists chosen are also so cheap you'd find better art on a a frigging newspaper rag. You can find the whole list of wasted digital bytes here:

# Title Main character(s) Publication Date ASIN Ref.(s)
Volume 1
1 Train Hopper Jesse McCree April 21, 2016 B01EXUFAKW Stars McCree. It is very easy to spell his surname. Note how Ashe and Echo are not here stealing his thunder.
2 Dragon Slayer David Hasselhoff and Brigitte Nielson April 28, 2016 B01EZ2S0PU A comic called Dragon Slayer? And it doesn't star Golden Boy Genji? You jest!
3 Going Legit Laurel and Hardy May 5, 2016 B01GGOEM6G Starring Timon and Pumbaa. Expect wacky highjinks!
4 A Better World Jasmine May 13, 2016 B01GGOEMM0 Plot happens. It stars Satya so nobody cares. Has more brown people than a Drake concert.
5 Mission Statement Pharah May 20, 2016 B01GGOEN3I Considered outdated by Chu fantards, even though this is all what Pharah has as of 2019. You can still hear sandy tears when you open this comic.
6 Destroyer Your uncle May 24, 2016 B01GGOENQU To the tune of Casper! To-boo-jörn the robo-racist gnome! The robo-ist gnome you kno~w!
7 Legacy Two Best Friends Play Archives July 14, 2016 B01IO5REE2 Do the writers even remember Ana and Amelie have history anymore?
8 Old Soldiers Old Advice Dogs July 21, 2016 B01IUBQM0C Starring the old dogs of Overwatch. Who let the dogs out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
9 Junkenstein Super Smash Addam's Family Brawl October 11, 2016 B01M622PNA The last comic that's actually fun to read. Coincidentally, the last comic penned by Metzen. Only pain and Genji here on.
10 Reflections Jack's heterosexuality December 20, 2016 B01NBWIP0B Mickey's glorious reign starts here. Every single panel happens on Christmas day except it doesn't. Tracer is revealed to be gay, the art starts becoming horrendous from here on.
11 Binary Metzen and Chu's reflections March 8, 2017 B076JPL1VJ A sly tribute to Metzen's contribution to the series, except it's a bad one. Torb is here too; to see the war is not in black and white like the previous one. It's as preachy as it sounds.
12 Uprising Those Wacky Nazis April 5, 2017 B072MLWN4Q The Golden Age of Overwatch starred uniforms when the animated shorts clearly didn't. Mercy openly ogles over her mentally ill patient as he beats the shit out of Lena. This happens.
Volume 2
13 Masquerade Team Rocket July 19, 2017 B076JFN1JR A prequel to the Blackwatch Archive event. Maximillen makes his first appearance. Chu tries to write serious plot but fails miserably. Moira and Baptiste are surprisingly missing here because what's buildup?
14 Wasted Land Laurel and Hardy September 6, 2017 B076JKQKP9 Going Legit Take Two: Electric Boogaloo!
15 Searching LORE? September 27, 2017 B076JFPH7C Wait plot? Actual plot? Who let a staff member out of the cage?
16 Retribution Blackwatch: We have better uniforms™ April 4, 2018 B07C49HY4W Jesse and Reyes are bros for life until a bomb almost kills a French guy. He survives to get killed by his wife later. Hints of Reyes and Jack having buttsex over doing their jobs can be found here.
Shameful Display
  • Metzen era: April 21, 2016 - October 11, 2016
  • --9 comics in six months--
  • Chu era: December 20, 2016 - April 4, 2018
  • --6 1/2 comics in two fucking years-- + a short story starring Hello Bastet. There's good art there, but Jack's gay. (Always a catch.) The art is there to distract you from the shitty writing.

Mother of god, a snail can update faster than Michael Chu. Considering the story goes from worse to shit, maybe it's a blessing. The writer team was supposed to be employed for this reason but Blizzard prefers paying them peanuts and locking them up in a cellar, because what are those for when you have a Twitter account?

Heroes - How to play[edit]

Breakingnews.gif BREAKING NEWS!!
YOU'RE PAYING FOR AN OVERPRICED RIPOFF OF TEAM FORTRESS 2
Damage


You're in the wrong neighborhood motherfucker
  • Tracer - Fucking cunt that is in the cover and most promotional material because of feminist propaganda. The size of her ass has actually been an issue for contention which shows how little you should be giving a fuck about this stupid fucking game. Her abilities are cunt teleporting and being unoriginal as fuck. She is literally a copy and paste of Scout from Team Fortress 2. She has most 2D personality you will fucking meet, she is fast and ???????? CAVLARY'S HERE. Then you instant cringe to fucking death from how bad that British accent was. Also the main source of many of the drama related to this game as it will be explained below. (Humorously, she's able to kick the Scout's ass without using any actual fucking skill) HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Official Status: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
  • McCree - Clint Eastwood rip off. It's a mystery how he is able to survive with a gun outdated as the revolver IN THE FUTURE but somehow he did, because logic is not a statement a sane man would request from Overwatch. He is popular with noobs, well, all characters are popular with noobs but this one stands out by a tiny percentage. Has ex-ties with criminal actives called Deadlock whom Jesse founded with a cowgirl chick he didn't fuck over 100 years ago (????), got angry when participating in a Black Ops operation involving killing people, and did not show up in the latest Archives event because seeing his official transfer to Overwatch in protest for the previous event would've made too much sense. Is a roaming dirtbag in the present timeline and has rejoined Overwatch because ?????? He was also created for another game, but got put here because yaoi shippers need someone to use for their shipping crap. Official Status: Not Genji
  • Soldier: 76 - Gay Call of Duty rip off. Comes in the flavors of Call of Duty and Call of Duty: Ghey Ghosts. Was the original leader of Overwatch, got it collapsing because he had a bitch fight with his nigger lover Gabriel Reyes. The cock sucking contest of egos got shown on Time magazine, for some reason. This character was Chris Metzen's baby, created all the way back in 2000, whom Michael Chu turned into a faggot without asking permission first. Official Status: Is a bounty hunter now, who's weeping for cocks he never got to suck. Booooooring
  • Pharah - Some cunt with explosive from an Islamic country, jihadist rip off. Was given a vagina to avoid a pre-cooked scandal circling the old media giving them an excuse to convince innocent children that it's okay to be terrorists. Gets outshined by her oldass leather faced mother at every turn, both when she was officially ded and when Ana got better from death. Cannot show up in any event until she contractually mentions her mother at least once every time she breaths. Like Reinhardt, she can be killed off in this game at any time and it won't affect the plot anymore. Official Status: IRRELEVANT
  • Genji - Character is used by every weeb. A cyborg ninja who has mafia ties, and was killed off by his older brother. Whom had full responsibility of the Shimada clan so Genji was killed because ????? preventing him from living the dream to be a full-time womanising slacker smooching off his parent's hard laundered yens. This really is his background. Because being a ninja wasn't cool enough, he joins Overwatch first, he ded, goes into emo mode after being resurrected by another Mary Sue, gets better when she sucks his dick lore, rejoins Overwatch, forgets he's supposed to be sad for plot reasons, gets emo again.... somehow, walks around the world with a metal ball floating robot dude he'll probably heal himself because he's that good, accepts the Recall, goes to Japan to gloat about it to his brother, and is on good terms with everyone, even Zarya, the robot hater. His own lore is so messed up it gives the impression other characters can be a part of his character arc. His triple jump got nerfed because he was fun to play like that. You don't like this character? Tough luck, he's everywhere. Official Status: He lived, bitch
how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast
  • Reaper - An accurate depiction of the average African American in the USA - lives in the shadows, does the dirty work, and some white guy always takes credit for the shiny result. Is implied to have reproduced despite being a massive faggot. Was involved in a pretty awesome theory involving perfect Mercy fucking a procedure up somehow leading Reyes to become Reaper, but it turns out (100 years after release, take your time) there already was an evil doctor in the background. God forbid Mercy makes a mistake. Was one of the main founders of Overwatch alongside Jack and Ana, is currently funemployeed by Talon because ???? Official Status: DIE DIE DIE
  • Mei - She build the Shit Wall of China with her ice gun and the cuntiest cunt of them all. Is a demon who fights against you even if you choose her in your team in-game, is absolutely irrelevant to the 'plot'. Hell she was so irrelevant Overwatch collapsed while she was asleep. Has a floating Tamagoci as a friend, she's that irrelevant. Is playable just so fatties can feel included in a polygoned online game. Would not be surprised if she bones Winston in the future. Official Status: ICE ICE BABY
  • Junkrat - Typical Australian man. Lives in the wasteland, has fatties for friends, uses grenade launchers to open a door, serves a Queen who lives underground and smooches off her people's money. Yep, sounds about right. Official Status: WITNESS ME!!
  • Symmetra - Nigga from India who quit her technical support day job for this shit, regrets that 100% in the present. Everyone forgets she exists because this character is not involved in shipping, she's too dark for Tumblr. Is your saving grace when controlling Turrets in-game, and... is involved with another evil organisation named Vishkar. Ten bucks on these guys being behind everything evil in this game! Has also cosplayed as Jasmine during her college years in Aperture, she's that interesting. Official Status: Her?
  • Bastion - How to enjoy this shit game despite being shit at it. Is one of the first Omnics to be recruited post game release. Torbjörn, the robo-rasict gnome, finds him cosplaying as Android 16 in an abandoned ditch. Was voiced by Chris Metzen, the previous lead writer of this shit show. Expect him to either be killed off or never show up in anything relevant again. Official Status: DELETE!!!!!
  • Hanzo - The unfortunate older sibling of Genji Shimada, who was created by the devs simply because a ninja cannot wield a sword, have magic powers AND possess a bigass bow larger than their hitboxes, so a separate character was created to fill the grid. Has a goatee so you won't notice they're the same character model. This guy has it all: duckbutt hair, broody moods, catty dialogue and a neckbeard. Has flashy tatts of lightning and dragons to remind you he comes from a mafia family, but will never be as cool as Kazuya Mishi-- err, Kazuma Kiry-- oh god is there anything original of this game? Michael Chu doesn't like him, so Hanzo doesn't get squat of the attention Genji gets. In a game full of science, technobabble and talking gorillas, nobody talks about flaming damaging magic dragons coming out of these two Jap's butts. Official Status: Fuck you, I'm a dragon!
  • Torbjörn - You thought Symmetra was on the nose? If you are wondering how unoriginal a game was going to get, then wonder no fucking more. This guy is a gnome. A Swedish gnome. A Swedish mechanical gnome. A Swedish mechanical gnome who rapes his beloved wife so much, Michael Chu got confused if he has many kids or grandkids in the same comic panel. Has a majestic beard and has recently produced another Mary Sue (Jesus, another one?) who takes elements from him, Reinhardt and Pharah but has no soul, so that makes her different from them. Is the person you need to rely on when Symmetra doesn't want to help you and the only other guy in the entire O. base who knows how turrets work, very professional. Official Status: FUCKING TURRETS HOW DO THEY WORK
  • Doomfist - A Sagat rip-off. Literally harnesses his nergronic rage to uppercut motherfuckers straight into orbit. Was arrested by Helix when ???? and managed to escape thanks to ???? and broke Lena's back just like Bane HELL YEAH! Is the Head of Talon, the big boss supremo, but you had no idea until you read this section, because Overwatch completely forgot about Doomfist after his short was released. Said short was released in a Looney Tunes style of animation you'll totally take the head of an evil organisation seriously. Check it out, we'll wait. Official Status: TIGER UPPERCUT!!!
Tank


  • Reinhardt - What happens when David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff and BRIAN BLESSED have a gaybaby fag force charging into people to say hello? THIS ÜBERMENSCH. Looked like Prince Charming when he was young, definitely banged trannies all going by the name of Doris when he was a BIG STRONK BOI. Is supposed to be heart of the old team of Overwatch during the Golden Age, yet nobody cares about him. "Reinhardt is sad?" "Yes." "Oh. How are your taxes going Winston?" He got lost on the way to the retirement home and meets Brigitte, who goes from looking really skinny to a 'rioded up Winry until she became Ginger Mercy all in a matter of a single us-time year. Probably wants to sandbang Ana but can't because his dick lore is irrelevant. He, Lucio and Pharah (all replaceable with Brigitte, Baptiste/Symmetra and Ana respectively) all hover above the delete button. It's all a question of who's gonna kick the bucket first to pretend this game has a plot and have the BBC report the 'unexpected' twist after Blizzard pays them to write the article. Official Status: Nein mama! That's my hund! Ich werde es tun-!!
  • Roadhog - His real name is Mako and tragically is not from New Zealand. It's a fucking miracle he's even moving but the breathing mask probably explains it. He can pull bitches towards him with a chain, is overpowered as fuck. Is a HUGE rip-off of Birdie from Street Fighter Alpha, how Capcom hasn't sued yet is anyone's guess. 2019 was the Year of the Pig, but Mako got zero lore from it. Has a rape quote from Fargo tattoo'd all over his stomach because when your five year old child plays this game, you want to let them play as a pedopig. Official Status: SQUEAL LIKE A PIG
  • Wrecking Ball - The Hero whom broke the internet upon release. He's a squeaking hamster who has a taste for blood. Why shoot at the enemy when you can roll straight through them? Hammond was the answer to a question nobody asked: are there more characters like Winston in this game? Answer: there are, he is, and he also comes from the moon. Hammond doesn't talk cause that would be silly, but his master does. A gorilla. A talking, breathing, sentient gorilla can talk but this guy can't. He apparently has some past with the Junker Queen, Junker's boss. Many people stopped taking the lore seriously because Official Status: A FUCKING HAMSTER I DON'T EVEN and didn't expect Winston to own a pet.
  • Winston - Caesar's pacifist cousin from Planet of the Apes. When first introduced, we see him activate the recall button to bring back Overwatch to its formerly glory and fight for justice. We believed this guy had experience, is a great dude despite being a gorilla with glasses, and knew how to run this ex-Justice League to a better future. The more we find out about Winston the less we want to know. He barely had field assignments when Overwatch was 'great', barely had friends apart from his pet hamster, and made the empty abandoned ex-HQ of Switzerland his rent-free homebase when Overwatch collapsed on its own shit when the world needed it most. Winston pressed the button X years in the future because he was feeling very lonely. Took his name from a human scientist because... uh... mentor shit? Again? Also created Tracer's flux capacitor, which helps him mute her Britbox when the motormouth doesn't stop talking. Has Tesla related shock moves despite being a mutated gorilla. Blanka rip off detected. Official Status: EXPAND DONG
  • Zarya - Ваит а минуте хов до соме чарацтерс хаве цаллсигнс анд отхерс до нот деспите ботх фацтионс беинг а парт оф Оверватч? As jou can tell, Zarya is very Russian, vears bears to keep herself varm, and is a former veight lifting champion and solider because most of these characters get the same traits over and over. Has dyed pink hair because her hero vas Tomba vhen groving up. Saw the devastation of the Omnic crisis first hand in the heart of Siberia, vill probably bond vith Genji thanks to his road trip vith Zenyatta totally ignoring the crisis in the future because inner peace. She's fighting not to, but she's probably blonde under that pink hair-dye, it's futile to resist. Zarya is nothing but a muscled-bound bruiser yet ve got confirmation Brigitte is a gym nut before she vas. The fuck. Is a favourite pick of Geguri, a 19 year old Korean looking in her 40s vho lead the Shangai Dragons from the Overwatch League to victory esh-actly once in two years. Official Status: DILLON!
  • Orisa - Yet another Omnic to play as, if you like being a mage in Dark Souls. Are you a masochist? Boring? Can't choose anyone due to the pretty colors? Then Orisa is for you! Is only one month old, the moment you choose her you'll automatically receive a sms from Chris Hansen telling you to take a seat even if you're sitting down. Is controlled by a jailbaity super genius nigger who always stays in the background whom - you guessed it! - is also an engineer/plus/child prodigy. Jeff Kaplan probably came up with this character by throwing a few darts on a board and sobbing over empty bottles of tequila because Sombra's release at the time of 2017 wasn't well received. She also has a puppy! That makes her super likeable. And of course, no other character can own dogs now like Brigitte with cats and Winston with hamsters, because what are character traits when you can own a puppy? Was created for the kids who are suckered into this game by their parents but come on. Look at her. She's a metallic hambeast! Choose Mei, at least you can freeze your allies to death. Official Status: YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO [SNOW WHITE IMAGERY]
Support


Mercy during her time off
  • Lucio - A typical Brazilian rags to riches story involving the sound of music over football. Was making kid friendly concerts for his fans when he had the crazy idea to join Overwatch because... uh.... his frog said so? Do people even need basic training to join Overwatch? Rides around on rollerblades (so manly) while blasting shit fucking hip-hop and dubstep, is the standard healer pick of just about every team because said rap can heal everyone constantly or make them move faster. He can switch between these abilities at will AND can give his teammates shields fairly often, which makes him and anyone he's near incredibly annoying to kill. You can download his album and discover its nothing but noise. Not music- just noise. Is rumored to be on the chopping block soon because Jeff implied so. He and Symmetra hate each other's guts because Vishkar uses Brazil to dump their Nazi activities on. Official Status: STOP, LUCIO TIME
  • Moira - What happens when Jeff and Chu skim through Reddit and see the 'Mercy turned Reyes into Reaper' theory? They create this character, a character so bland and ginger you know she was torturing some niggers when she was in her post in Oasis. Has very interesting fans who openly mistake her for David Bowie simply because her design is androgynous. Is an evil counterpart to 'I cosplay as an Angel unironically' Doctor Ziegler so of course they're rivals. Joins Talon in the long run because nobody likes her. Fires piss to heal people. Sometimes they're piss balls too. Seems to be on good terms with Reyes, but only because he needs her for medication. Official Status: ALL OUR BASE IS ARE OURS
  • Mercy - ORIGINAL CHARACTER, DO NOT STEAL. Is Swiss German but doesn't sound either German or Swiss. Everyone calls her Angela when it should be An--GUL--A. Can only target one person at a time which makes Lucio the superior healer, so of course he's gonna die. Has a damage boost as well, but if you're using it then you're not healing, so only retards ever switch to it. Her ultimate revives all nearby dead teammates, but the only way to use it is to completely fail at your only job. Guess this: she's a prodigal doctor, usually stays working till late and is addicted to coffee. Fascinating. Was almost deleted entirely due to overpaid noobs who stream video games for a living complaining about the broken ultimates she had, including one were she temporally flew on her own for a short amount of time, when all the devs had to do was ban Mercy from being chosen in the Overwatch League. Had the misfortune of being 1) white 2) bland and 3) blond, ticking all the boxes right and making Michael Chu confuse her for his personal waifu. Despite her surname being Ziegler, she does not know Jewjutsu. Has been reworked so many times she's virtually unplayable. Is supposed to be super ethical, yet is not above banging her patients. Official Status: This is Fine
  • Brigitte - THE. BIGGEST. MARY SUE. OF THIS ENTIRE GAME. Wanna have mentorship under an old hero? Check! Wanna have direct blood relation with one of the former Overwatch heroes from the golden age? Check! Wanna have offensive and defensive abilities in-game that are so broken the game becomes too fucking easy to play? Check! Wanna know useless tidbits of this newly fanged character whilst never asking for them in the first place? Check! Wanna see her instantly bond with every Overwatch related character in a wink of an eye? Ch-Ch-Check please! The only lulzy part of this ginger crap was seeing the voice actress's ego get so big online, she accidentally attracted well meaning people to her twitter account, but Blizzard did jack and shit to stop them, meaning of course she was asking for it. Doesn't help her creation defines a death warrant for Reinhardt. With her in the picture, why keep the old dog around? Kill that poor son of a gun, at least he'll stay dead. Official Status: IMA SMASH IT WITH A HAMMA
  • Baptiste - The devs came up with this character after watching Black Panther. He worked for Talon, was a combat medic, saw the error of his employee's ways, defected and is now working for Overwatch. He's got a scar so that makes him super edgy. Gee, another foil to Mercy when she has zero personality and relevance in this game? Moira wasn't enough? Is Haitian so he probably speaks in French and is an echo (lol) of Mercy's original character design but with Vegeta armour so ORIGINAL CHARACTER DO NOT STEAL. Like Ashe, people forgot about this character 24 hours after release. Official Status: Watch it, coloniser!
  • Zenyatta - A robot monk who preaches personal interaction with people by killing them with his metal balls, which are called the ORBS OF DESTRUCTION. That's no joke. A peaceful monk has orbs of destruction around his neck. Seems like a big contradiction. Developers attempted to be culturally integral but failed badly. As we said before, he lost his brother to Widowmaker, murderous bitch goes around, and probably vowed revenge against humanity or purple people in the process, until he met Genji and everything was awwright. Was allowed to unfloat only when a person raised a banner during a League rave to let Zenyatta walk, which shows how much the dev team care about this character. While he is the most fragile piece of garbage in the game with an average heal, he more than makes up for it by shooting an Orb of Discord at you, which increases the damage an enemy takes. For his ultimate ability, he drops acid while taking them so he can make the red team trip fucking balls. Is officially only two to three years old. Official Status: I lost my brother for this
  • Ana - The other sandnigger of this game. Tried applying to become the head of Overwatch through the UN yet she is one of the main creators of the bloody thing. Lol, how can you apply for something you create? Faiil. Cosplays as a pirate full-time due to her eye loss, though she has a cybernetic eye that's never used. Shoots people in the veins to make them feel better or get all their vitamins in one breath. Her ex-husband still thinks she's dead, so she can fuck whoever she likes. She and Pharah might have had some grudges in the past but... everything's fine now. Huh. Has nanobot tech stolen from Mercy's fridge, has evil tech stolen from Moira, turning that unholy combination into... a sniper rifle. Ana was never known to be creative. Was thought to be Sombra in the early stages of the game, before finding out she became a bounty hunter like Jack. Again, zero creativity, always imitating the fag ahead of her. Official Status: YOU ARE A PIRATE
NPCs


  • Emily - Tracer's girlfriend. Was created to sink WidowTracer, a ship that never made a lick of sense. She's Tracer's girlfriend and.... uh.... loves lemon tea? It took Blizzard three years to acknowledge her existence in-game. Players have been clamouring an appearance of her for years, probably will only for a few seconds, because she's a marketing tool animation is expensive yall. She and Tracer had been dating for 6 years, one year removed from the fall of Overwatch, meaning Lena bummed out in Emily's studio apartment since. Official Status: Um... she gay?
  • Gerard Lacroix - Amelie Lacroix's (nee' Gillard) ex-target, whom she killed to prove her loyalty to Talon. Knowing this game it will turn out he is still alive. Had relations with nigga bro Reyes during the Blackwatch events, was killed off to not let Mercy have any sort of story-line not involving Genji and his ninja info cards. Was an excellent sniper mentored by Ana (...) as said in an entirely separate game from Overwatch. Was warned over and over again not not marry Amelie but he did anyway. Hey. Did you see Amelie's castle? Bitch I would too. Official Status: Le Gold-digger
  • Echo - Cortana from Halo, but is sleeky white womenz sexy like an iPhone version of Sophia the robot. Wasn't originally sexy in the comics, but was turned so in a recent hero release, otherwise Michael Chu would've gotten bored whilst making the Ashe short. Official Status: WHERE MY WHITE WOMAN AT
  • Amelie Lacroix - Widowmaker's first life. Was a professional ballerina who watched The Black Swan too many times until she transformed into le Blue Duck and served the forces of evul. Going from a world famous ballerina to a professional killer is a bit of a stretch, but Chris Benoit DID go from a WWE fighter to a murderer, so we've seen stranger things IRL. Official Status: Who are you?
  • Sojiro Shimada - Genji and Hanzo's old crook. You'll know about his dental records more than half the cast of Overwatch because Mich-Genji would not shut up about him. Genji should hold a grudge against the culprit leading him and his brother almost kill each other and failing but no, he still holds Sojiro in high regard because his personality changes depending on the weather. Sojiro tried to push Hanzo to join Talon because... shut up. Isn't a playable hero only because Metzen beat Chu by re-introducing Ana first. Official Status: It looks like you need some exposition, want some arigato?
  • Sam ???? - Pharah's dad. Was created due to Native Americans getting their panties in a bunch for giving a sandnigger a tiki costume a la T. Hawk because multi-culturism doesn't exist amirite? Is still alive, so Reinhardt can forget about ever getting laid before biting the dust. Official Status: I'm from Canada, eh?
  • Maximilien - An Omnic gansgter who was so good at accounting, he discovered a talent in a side hobby- money laundering. In an evil organisation. Overwatch butt in his business somehow. Why? Because shut up. Letting an Omnic take illegal funds of Apple Inc. would've been too much fun for goody two shoes Overwatch to let happen without repercussions. Looks damn good in a suit for a robot, but only because its a onesie. Official Status: You were looking for me.
  • Sojourn - Sojourn was Ana's replacement after she 'died' at Widow's aim, Blizzard couldn't be bothered to show us that before because ???? She showed up once in a really old photo from the Metzen era. Blizzard recycled her mugshot from the recall video on Tracer's motorbike (wait since when lesbians know how to drive?) without bothering to redraw the image to make it match the cutscene. Of course Blizzard got praised for this cent saving move. Because with characters like Sombra, Lucio, Pharah, Ana, Efi (she counts), Symmetra, Doomfist and Baptiste, this game is really lacking in black character choice. She resembles Concept Mercy because that's what she is. A concept character who should've stayed in the background. That's the whole point of the fucking lore. But if all storylines are in the fucking past, what's the point of the recall? Official Status: No srsly, how are we still in the past??
  • Katya Volskaya - Viskar's CEO and Symmetra's former boss. Survives an assassination attempt by Talon, hires Zarya to kill Sombra, implying she knows Sombra's real identity. Wanna know what happens next? Read the comics. Wanna know what happens after? ...... If your answer is nothing, congrats! You win nothing. Also hired another Indian dude called Soujrn? Saurin? Sanji? San-yaj? Is supposed to be important but only will be when Mikey gets some interest to include him back in the game. Official Status: DIE NATLA DIE
  • Athena - The voice announcer of this game. Yes it has a name. No it has nothing to do with Knights of the Zodiac. Was created by Winston. He was bored. Official Status: Where did you learn to fly?
  • Liao - Is another founder of Overwatch. Everyone forgot about him even Blizzard. Probably because he's Chinese, judging by the name. It was either him or Sojourn who would've replaced Ana before Overwatch's demise. Mei filled the quota already no need for another character from those parts. Official Status: I AM ERROR
  • Junker Queen - Another leftover from the Metzen era, like Doomfist, Bastion and the lore. Expect her to be a playable hero with zero backstory and relevance in the near future. Might be on the side of ?????? Official Status: SUPER SLURM
  • Dude Doomfist calls by phone - Nobody knows who he is. Maybe he's the pizza delivery guy. Official Status: NEW HERO ANNOUNCED!

Overwatch Killers[edit]

Ever since this cancerous game hit the shelves back in 2016, many games tried imitating the animu + online campaign formula, but epically failed and sunk.

Go ahead and add another title to this lulzy list. Most already tanked to the bargain bin. Fuck, Overwatch is one lucky piece of shit.

  • Paladins - Was one of the first games dubbed as so by the old media. Dropped the Sci from the -Fi elements a few months after release. Is still around but barely heard. Imitated Overwatch by creating their own e-sport league, which gaymers will probably watch mistaking it for soccer. Uses the kind of art you expect from crappy online ads you typically ignore whilst streaming pronz.
  • Anthem - An online multiplayer RPG shooter created by Bioware with Halo-wannabe cardboard stick figures called Javelins who do side quests upon side quests upon side quests. Is very boring to play. So boring 80% of the userbase permanently left after only 2 months of release. Does not contain any romancing options. In a Bioware game. Bitch I'm out. Bioware are hoping this game will lead to them finally be able to divorce EA Games after 11 years of marriage, after accidentally a good game with Dragon Age: Inquisition. Whoops.
  • Team Fortress 2 - Was created back in 2007, has no plot, and is still 200% more fun to play. Telling Overfags this blows their peabrains away. DO IT.
  • Fortnite - The real Overwatch killer. It's free to play, it's on the Switch, many celebrities play it and it's all over the place. Got black people butthurt by having their dancemoves unofficially stolen without credit. Some of them even come from lame TV shows straight from the 90s. This has been happening since the days of Elvis but don't tell them, it breaks their hearts.
  • Apex Legends - What happens when you play Overwatch on easy mode with most of the characters being officially ghey? You get this game. It's so easy you can reach Level 60 in a matter of 3 days. You're quicker to die by parachute before reaching the level.
  • Telltale Games - HA HA HA OH WOW even a dead company is better than Overwatch!
  • Borderlands/Fallout - Choose whichever one. Even these games have a few titles that are better than Overwatch without fucking trying.
  • Overwatch League - Created by Blizzard themselves to help players remember Overwatch exists all year round. Blizzard has ignored the main game for two whole years because of this shitty G4 TV remake, the League takes forever to start and finish. 4 fucking stages in 8 months. Not even football lasts that long. It has worked so far, but many reworks affected Overwatch characters to appease the rich manbabies over the people who play the game on a regular basis. Jack was turned gay to hide a scandal involving a dude hired by Blizzard pretending to be a gaymer gurl here.
  • Starlink: Battle for Copyright - Made by Canadian/French snob rivals Ubisoft. If Overwatch and Star Wars ever have a baby, this would be the result. Star Fox and crew are in this game somehow to attract the furfags. It can steal what remains of the kiddie audience of Overwatch that didn't move on to Fortnite because Skylanderesque toys and it already is going to be launched on the Switch, something Blizzard is taking their sweet time to, because everyone's gonna download that sweet, sweet Switch port according to Jeff regardless of active competition.
  • Michael Chu
  • ANY OTHER FUCKING GAME

Overwatch League[edit]

Blizzard wanted to make profits from a casual player paradise by turning it into a competitive team bout full of professional manchildren who drive buses on the side to make a living.

The result, after investing 20 million of stone cold dollars, is the Overwatch League. Sports investors still hesitate from putting their hard earned money into this side project to this day, two years after launch. It's barely advertised too, so apart from casual fags and a lack of TV viewership that dwindles on a yearly basis, why should anyone waste their time and watch this epilepsy inducing crap?

Most of the teams kill each other with u mad speeches and with so much chaos going on upon the screen no one knows what's going on, even the pros themselves.

Marvel waited four years before releasing the Avengers movie. Blizzard barely waited one before releasing the League crap with an unfinished game that's still missing solid content two years after inauguration. Great planning right there by Jeff Kaplan.

There we spared you from watching a real OL video
What Overwatch League wishes it was
20 million dollas for this

Most of the teams are full of foreigners, Asian gradeschoolers and manbabies despite the 'sport' taking place in America. Good luck finding a team that's not retarded.

Poor Jack got Voltron'd

The only lulzy thing from this e-sport wannabe is that Genji is allergic to cars and

Ellie scandal[edit]

Even people who live under a rock know about this 'scandal'. Blizzard realised the teams participating in the league were all full of sausage parties and hiring Geguri to placate the minor female audience who give a shit about this game simply wasn't enough to maintain viewership. If you were Blizzard, what would you have done next? Curb the toxic environment you created and hire moar female gaymers in the league? Or hire a dude to pretend they're a gurl gamer and hope no one notices? If you answered the second one, congrats Sherlock, surnamed No Shit! Because that's exactly what they did.

The internet realised a woman would never give up on something without a fuss, so after much digging, it was revealed Ellie was none other than a hoax fabricated by 'her' team Second Wind, probably for publicity reasons. Of course Blizzard handled this unforeseen situation with care and a professional attitude... by turning a beloved character gay literally out of the blue to hide their mishaps. AGAIN!

We were supposed to figure out Jack was cock dry by this one panel apparently, even though the person in the picture is obviously Tracer. Well done Blizzard!

LGBT rep everyone! Your 'get away with bullshit' card when convenient! If it worked for Bryke then why not here?

Overwatch Cartoon[edit]

It's a rumor, but hopefully it will stay that way. If not, it probably will be as bad as the Street Fighter cartoon that plagued cable TV in the early 90s.

High production values, vague promises of 'lore', shitty story? Where did we see this before?

Tracer Controversies[edit]

Tracer and her 3D rendered arse are the main reasons the clickbait hacks wrote their "articles" about identity politics as Blizzard (who apparently is not knowing a thing about videogames anymore) took decisions about her and her character that polarized the gamer community, demonstrating once more that Gaben was a fucking genius by not including female playable characters on the superior version of Overwatch, (and also free to play) Team Fortress 2.

Tracer Controversy #1: The Stupid Pose[edit]

Derp.

Overwatch-tracerPost.png


Look at that sexist pile of shit. She has an ass for fuck's sake. Anyone who doesn't notice how sexist it is for a woman to have an ass should be shot, I mean, unless she has a fat feminist unfuckable ass or a flat and nonexistent one, it shouldn't be there. One more thing about this pose that is just degrading for woman is probably that she isn't holding a sandwich maker nor is she in the kitchen.

And another reasonable request. petition to remove all guns from the game Archive today-ico.png (archive).


Overwatch-gunsPetition.jpg


This was a well placed campaign, although it would have been much more better if they removed the whole game.


Overwatch-tracerPoseNew.jpg


So Blizzard somehow grew balls and glands and got a new pose that is literally based on a pin up.


Overwatch-tracerPosePinup.jpg


Cuny McCunts were obviously pissed that everything in the world somehow weren't going their way but reality is sometimes just reality.

For example, here is Brianna Wu complaining about the butt on twitter Archive today-ico.png (archive):


The irony of Brianna Wu being so un-sex positive about Tracer is completely lost on her him.


Meanwhile at the SJW hivemind, the NeoFaggots are still bitching and complaining over Tracer's ass because of her new pose.


Neogaftracernewpose.png


Anyways, with this controversy solved, it's only a matter of time before SJWs and feminists manufacture another outrage in order to manipulate a company to do their biddings, despite never actually spending a single dollar on anything they've produced.


Tracer Cosplay.jpg
Please nerf the ass

Tracer Controversy #2: Tracer is a rug muncher[edit]

Herp.

Tracer and her girlfriend.jpg


   
 
…we’ve wanted the universe of Overwatch to feel welcoming and inclusive, and to reflect the diversity of our players around the world.
 

 
 

—Blizzard, Shooting their own leg


Just when the idiots of Gamergate were celebrating that Blizzard trolled the SJW with the ridiculous pose, Last Thursday they released a Christmas comic in which they show that British hot tight pants is fond of chowing boxes, as if her bulldyke haircut wasn't enough of a giveaway.

Apparently Tracer is the first (there will be more) LGBTBBQWTF+ character of the franchise, as she has a relationship with a ginger called Emily, eerily looking too similar to another soulless lesbian ginger.

The reactions to this addition to the Overwatch in-game canon can vary from the likes of "Meh, I'm not going to pay 40 bucks for this tumblr ripoff shit", to "You bastards, Tracer is my waifu, Why did you this to me?". Still and, again, the ones with the most embarrassing reactions were the lab monkeys writing for SJW clickbait pages who reached orgasm with screams of "muh Diversity", "muh Inclusiveness" and "muh Representation" because of a fictional character enjoying and drinking vaginal fluids.


Where's my 3D yuri parodies of Tracer? About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


This Blizzard attempt to cater to more mature audiences with this cheap marketing stunt will backfire as in the first place, more 3D porn of Tracer fucking the rest of the female characters with a strap-on will be made, second, the hardcore gamers will not be playing it as they don't want queer representation while they are killing the shit of their fellow gamers and finally, the game only will be played by the obsessed tumblristas with queer pronouns, creating around the game a fandom more retarded than the fandom of Steven Universe. As if the Fembusters debacle wasn't enough, Blizzard apparently must learn from experience that you never cater to the qualms of SJW as they are bad and disloyal customers who are more interested on virtue signaling than buying your overpriced shit.

Tracer Gallery[edit]

Tracer? Damn near killed her! About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Other Less Important Rule 34 Characters[edit]

Overwatch? You'll get on a watchlist About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Videos[edit]


This is how braindead this game is

Overwatch Jewtubers in a nutshell

Overwatch - RIP Butt

PLEASE DELETE THIS OFFICIAL BUTT VIDEO

Oh no, a fun parody of Diva, my sensitive eyes - Kotaku

OWL is now settled, too bad Blizzard doesn't care about game at all

Team Fortress 2: Allow us to re-introduce ourselves

External Links[edit]

See Also[edit]

Blizzard Entertainment

Overwatch
is part of Gaming on
Blizzard Entertainment

[RagequitWaste $$$]

Portal games.png

Overwatch is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Portal icon - social justice.gif

Overwatch is part of a series on

Social Justice

Visit the Social Justice Portal for complete coverage.

Featured Article May 20 & 21, 2019
Preceded by
TBA
Overwatch Succeeded by
Goth