TRACER IS GAY, JACK IS GAY, MERCY LOVES ROBO DICK
Overwatch is a legal parody of Team Fortress 2 made by Blizzard Entertainment. In the year 201X, tired of coming up with new ideas for old ass IPs such as a shit MMORPG and Diablo that don’t involve pandas or cows, Blizzard came up with Overwatch after Michael Chu binged watched Two Best Friends Play Half-Life, Borderlands and ALL of the X-Men movies in release order. Through stacks of mountain dews and tacos, our hero comes up with really original ideas like having a base on the moon, having an UN-sanctioned military force which plays as a combination of a superhero and police squads NAMED OVERWATCH and jumping through the timeline in small bites to make plotholes seem planned rather than be there out of lazyness. Oh and a talking gorilla is the head of the organisation. Someone watched X-Men: First Class. Metzen and Jeff shouted “Brilliant!” together and quickly bought the rights for everything Overwatch related, as there was no other game in this world call Overwatch other than this one. So good job to the developers for managing to keep at least one thing original.
The current price of this game is between $59.99 to $39.99, which is a weekly allowance of an average Generation Z teenager, proving the demographics they are looking for. There's literally no blood in this pussy ass game because it's trying too hard to keep it PG 13 with all the killing that is going on. It also appeals to weeaboos because there are one-dimensional waifus everywhere and two Japanese fags that are brothers or some shit. You're forgiven if you forget about the boring bowman. The other weeb takes over the plot completely because this game's proto-title is called The Shimada Bro: Genjiwatch Files. Either way, they speak badly-accented Engrish and are from Japan. Which proves that this shit game is appealing to weebs and all their faggotry. It made a few hundred million doolas somehow, but sales are going low because of the dreaded Overwatch killers whom disappear after a few months.
And a character was revealed to be ghey only after a controversy happened to distract the BBC. That for real.
- 1 Purpose of the game
- 2 Heroes - How to play
- 3 Overwatch League
- 4 Overwatch Cartoon
- 5 Tracer Controversies
- 6 Other Less Important Rule 34 Characters
- 7 Videos
- 8 External Links
- 9 See Also
Purpose of the game
LOL U EXPECTING PLOT FROM AN ONLINE MUTIPLAYER FPS? Only plot that exists in this game are the tales of bitching about what to nerf, and newbies who can't play for shit defending their nerfs. The other plot is available on rule34's Overwatch SFM section.
The lulzy thing about Overwatch is that the main developers promised the players old and new lore aka lots of backstory, and interesting characters, which is an odd thing coming from a Call of Duty clone. What we got instead is LORE™, blank slate characters that are so stereotyped you stop and wonder how a confederate flag wearing character like Jesse McCree can actually exist in the distant future of 207X and a main plot so bad it makes Gears of War 2 look like Shakespeare.
The fags who still booth up the game rather than ragequit also have no idea what's going on. Some believe only the comics are canon. Others say the comics have nothing to do with the game. Others simply follow JK Rowlings' twitter account and take everything she sneezes as canon like the sheep they are. Others realised the cutscenes from the current season passes of the game unintentionally made the comics obsolete, so where to take the story from?!
But if you really want a snippet, you can go watch their unoriginal shorts about undeveloped shit characters with undefined storylines who are literally just racial stereotypes. Like Lena Oxton, carpet-muncher first, time travelling pilot second. (THE 'AVALERY 'S HERE!!!!) Did we mention the accent? And the less we talk about the Shimada bros the better. Any sane human being will mutilate themselves from hearing these fuckers moonspeak in their Engrish. They are all representations of different nationalities by fucking 'Muricans, so you know if you are a Swiss cheese you are bound to be a neutral white flag raising pussy medic and if you are an American, you are a shotgun-toting, zombie-hobo pyromaniac.
There is also some gay gorilla from the moon who fucked his master to death or something but you don't need to know more about that, we don't know what the hell he does after Overwatch is revived, either. This guy has a pet hamster he willingly takes to battle because Overwatch is that desperate for personnel. You might also be wondering what the title signifies: nothing. It really doesn't matter if you're playing as the head of the evil organisation called Talon (really?) or if you're the sanctifed version of The Doctor from Team Fortress 2. You can play as Widowmaker and have Moira on the same team despite the latter turning the other unwillingly into a human killing machine. All four members can play on the same red or blue team like a twisted tag team from any Halo game. Which begs the fucking question: who the fuck is on whose team? Apparently some shit source that claims to be canon other than rule34 Overwatch, says that all the heroes are fighting each other because some shit about the black guy and French cunt starting some kind of war because ???? and despite that your so-called good characters is still being aligned on the same team as them because ?????
Fags also claimed that the game isn't canon to the game (lolwut even this magnitude of stupidity is not expected from a game this retarded), so this means that the real official canon is literally rule34 and the game cannot even be trusted to tell it's own generic and done story.
Here's how it is. Sometime 20 years in the past, circa 205X, Overwatch was created as a response to fight the Omnic Crisis. Omnics are a bunch of toasters created in the shape of humans rebelling against society because they were tired of being humanity's shiny slaves, even though the Paris map shows they can have jobs AND have relations beyond babysitting with humans. At some point, they attacked Pola-Swizterland, which triggers the war, and has a future waifu named Mercy lose her parents to the attack and not become Batman. Talon, an evil organisation pretending to be Umbrella, funds the Omnics campaign against humanity despite most members of Talon being humans themselves. ....You tell us.
During the first war Overwatch hires a faggot named Jack who is so incompetent in his job, another fellow super solider named Reyes creates Blackwatch. A secret Black Ops branch of Overwatch that's so secret, it lets Overwatch rookies like Lena spar with an over-focused emo cyborg who just can't get over the fact his brother tried to kill him and failed in open observation 'cause Overwatch wasn't cool enough for him. Mercy gets all hot and bothered over the ex-mafia guy trying to curbstomp her friend because she got to livestream Spore with his vaporwared body. Blackwatch tries to kill a human gangster, they do. One member gets angry about it but nobody cares.forgets his emo phase despite not yet meeting Zenyatta. Overwatch tries to stop an Omnic gangster, they do. This robotic guy has something to do with Talon but nothing with the friggin Omnic Crisis by being their most trusted accountant? Which is why Overwatch sent a tiny tax-paying Strike Team to stop his devious accounting plans months/weeks/days? before its shutdown by ???? Some time after, the main base was attacked by ???? and Overwatch finally fell. Sad face :-(
Before this, Mercy left and Ana, Overwatch's second-in-command, was shot in the eye by a reformed Widowmaker. Mei, another scientist with zero personality, gets frozen chronogetically until Frozen 2 gets released. Torbjörn, the series' mascot and unfortunately residue of The Hobbit movies, drops his magnetic shit and got back being busy with his wife. Reinhardt gets sad, ragequits. Zarya (pictured above) loses her family and loved ones to the Omnic bots making her an understandable roboist. She meets Sombra at some point and finds out her true identity but does jack shit about it. Widowmaker shoots the robo-Dalai Lama equivalent of the series ded which triggers the eventual fall of the organisation OR the second Omnic crisis (the timeline is that confusing) whom we still know nothing of, who happens to be Zenyatta's serial numbered brother. Zenyatta is a breathing dildo who used his pain and angish over losing his brother to completely focus on a human's recovery to find his self worth once more. Self-worth he might've gained with or without Zenyatta's help. Yes, that human is Genji Shimada. Notice a pattern here?
Cut to present time, 6-5ish years after. Winston, a Beast character turned gorilla to avoid lawsuits, presses the recall button to summon the still alive ex-heroes to... uh... fight Talon? The second Omnic crisis? Because he felt like...? .... They uh .... summon more heroes that have family relations with the ex ones? A famous musician who loves frogs? An autistic architect? A few Omnics despite FIGHTING AGAINST THEM? A bunch of Arabs because diversity? A gamer is you? A Fortnite cowgirl rip-off?
....uh.... oh yeah! Genji gets better 100% by now. He and the other Mary Sue doctor can be fucking. Weebs, rejoice!
These few paragraphs took three years to collect.
Three. Fucking. YEARS. President Donald Trump was still a Republican candidate when the game was first released.
The only reason people keep coming back to this shit game is limited time seasonal events, which are used to milk extra loot box sales despite the game already making billions of dollars from regular sales alone. Events are pretty much the only new content this garbage ever gets (which is then removed after three weeks because even new gamemodes gotta be limited time to keep people logging in.)
These events are:
- Summer Games - A summer/Olympics themed event running from late July to late August. This was the first seasonal event and the start of the loot box controveries, as originally the event wouldn't even let you buy the event cosmetics with ingame credits. Wasn't until after Forbes complaining about the event that they changed it. The event introduced a new mode called Lucioball, which is a blatant Rocket League ripoff. As enjoyable as the mode was (and actually was more fun than the base game itself,) Blizzard being Blizzard removed it after the event ended, because you don't play the game the way you want to, you play it the way they want you to.
- Halloween Terror - A Halloween event in October, and the first event that allowed the purchase of event items with ingame credits. However, with Blizzard being the jews they are, event items cost x3 the cost of normal items. Of course the Blizzcucks ate it up and will defend that extortion anytime anyone brings it up. The event also introduced a PvE survival mode called Junkenstein's Revenge, in which you defend a castle from robot zombies. PvE is something the casual Overwatch fans have wanted in the game since it was first revealed, so Junkenstein's Revenge was a pleasant surprise for them. But again, after the event ended it was removed from the game. Michael Chu claims it's an AU of the main game (lol which one?) but does jack shit with that info. Witch Mercy is the only fappable thing from this event, at least some good came out of it.
- Winter Wonderland - A Christmas themed event in December, ironically the most forgettable out of all the events. Introduced two new gamemodes: Mei's Snowball Offensive (where for some fucking reason you only get one shot) and Mei's Yeti Hunt, a ripoff of Team Fortress 2's community gamemode VS Saxton Hale. Ironically, this is the one event mode people don't mind is taken out with how shit it is. Just play an ice level found in any other game and you have the same experience for free.
- Lunar New Year - To check another box on their diversity quota and also to kiss the feet of their Chinese market, Blizzard made a Lunar New Year event just to boost loot box sales in Asia. However, this event added a mode that so far that hasn't been taken out: Capture the Flag. The downside is Overwatch's interpretation of CTF is campy bullshit and super fast manoeuvrable characters that are impossible to catch. Mei's Snowball Offensive is more fun than this garbage, yet CTF was the only event mode made permanent.
Warframe sperg complains about the timelocking of a fucking story mode.A The Blizztards rebuttal to the criticism of timelocking.
- Archives - This is the most Blizzardy thing Blizzard has ever done. Archives is not a holiday themed event, but an event about the Overwatch 'lore'. The event introduces annual PvE missions that only last a few weeks that add to the Overwatch 'lore'. Yes, that's right. A fucking story mode, something that used to be a staple for video games and something the fans wanted for the game ever since it was announced, is locked to an event that only happens every April. The main selling point of this entire game gets updated only once in a whole year. Considering story mode is absolute horseshit, maybe it's good thing for our dirty, dirty souls.
- Anniversary - And finally, the most controversial event out of all of them. What could be worse than timelocking a fucking story mode? How about an event that is nothing but loot boxes? No new modes, no new core content. Just pure loot boxes. Specifically: A shitload of Legendary rare skins, and dancing emotes that are locked to this event and cannot be obtained except from May-June. "Thanks for playing Overwatch. Now buy more loot boxes goyim." Not even making all past event items and modes available during the Anniversary could save this event and even led a lot of people to actually quit the game. When casuals will realise all of these events are basically the anniversary event but with pretty highlights is the day we'll finally get rid of this game for good.
These comics were supposed to give the Blizztards actual backstory to the characters they love before the current Archives event made them obsolete. Still, even before that happened from 2018 onward, the writers had no excuse to leave big gaps from one comic to another and have hilarious inconsistencies between them that are still unfixed to this day. The artists chosen are also so cheap you'd find better art on a a frigging newspaper rag. You can find the whole list of wasted digital bytes here:
|#||Title||Main character(s)||Publication Date||ASIN||Ref.(s)|
|1||Train Hopper||Jesse McCree||April 21, 2016||B01EXUFAKW||Stars McCree. It is very easy to spell his surname. Note how Ashe and Echo are not here stealing his thunder.|
|2||Dragon Slayer||David Hasselhoff and Brigitte Nielson||April 28, 2016||B01EZ2S0PU||A comic called Dragon Slayer? And it doesn't star Golden Boy Genji? You jest!|
|3||Going Legit||Laurel and Hardy||May 5, 2016||B01GGOEM6G||Starring Timon and Pumbaa. Expect wacky highjinks!|
|4||A Better World||Jasmine||May 13, 2016||B01GGOEMM0||Plot happens. It stars Satya so nobody cares. Has more brown people than a Drake concert.|
|5||Mission Statement||Pharah||May 20, 2016||B01GGOEN3I||Considered outdated by Chu fantards, even though this is all what Pharah has as of 2019. You can still hear sandy tears when you open this comic.|
|6||Destroyer||Your uncle||May 24, 2016||B01GGOENQU||To the tune of Casper! To-boo-jörn the robo-racist gnome! The robo-ist gnome you kno~w!|
|7||Legacy||Two Best Friends Play Archives||July 14, 2016||B01IO5REE2||Do the writers even remember Ana and Amelie have history anymore?|
|8||Old Soldiers||Old Advice Dogs||July 21, 2016||B01IUBQM0C||Starring the old dogs of Overwatch. Who let the dogs out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?|
|9||Junkenstein||Super Smash Addam's Family Brawl||October 11, 2016||B01M622PNA||The last comic that's actually fun to read. Coincidentally, the last comic penned by Metzen. Only pain and Genji here on.|
|10||Reflections||Jack's heterosexuality||December 20, 2016||B01NBWIP0B||Mickey's glorious reign starts here. Every single panel happens on Christmas day except it doesn't. Tracer is revealed to be gay, the art starts becoming horrendous from here on.|
|11||Binary||Metzen and Chu's reflections||March 8, 2017||B076JPL1VJ||A sly tribute to Metzen's contribution to the series, except it's a bad one. Torb is here too; to see the war is not in black and white like the previous one. It's as preachy as it sounds.|
|12||Uprising||Those Wacky Nazis||April 5, 2017||B072MLWN4Q||The Golden Age of Overwatch starred uniforms when the animated shorts clearly didn't. Mercy openly ogles over her mentally ill patient as he beats the shit out of Lena. This happens.|
|13||Masquerade||Team Rocket||July 19, 2017||B076JFN1JR||A prequel to the Blackwatch Archive event. Maximillen makes his first appearance. Chu tries to write serious plot but fails miserably. Moira and Baptiste are surprisingly missing here because what's buildup?|
|14||Wasted Land||Laurel and Hardy||September 6, 2017||B076JKQKP9||Going Legit Take Two: Electric Boogaloo!|
|15||Searching||LORE?||September 27, 2017||B076JFPH7C||Wait plot? Actual plot? Who let a staff member out of the cage?|
|16||Retribution||Blackwatch: We have better uniforms™||April 4, 2018||B07C49HY4W||Jesse and Reyes are bros for life until a bomb almost kills a French guy. He survives to get killed by his wife later. Hints of Reyes and Jack having buttsex over doing their jobs can be found here.|
- Metzen era: April 21, 2016 - October 11, 2016
- --9 comics in six months--
- Chu era: December 20, 2016 - April 4, 2018
- --6 1/2 comics in two fucking years-- + a short story starring Hello Bastet. There's good art there, but Jack's gay. (Always a catch.) The art is there to distract you from the shitty writing.
Mother of god, a snail can update faster than Michael Chu. Considering the story goes from worse to shit, maybe it's a blessing. The writer team was supposed to be employed for this reason but Blizzard prefers paying them peanuts and locking them up in a cellar, because what are those for when you have a Twitter account?
| BREAKING NEWS!!|
YOU'RE PAYING FOR AN OVERPRICED RIPOFF OF TEAM FORTRESS 2
Ever since this cancerous game hit the shelves back in 2016, many games tried imitating the animu + online campaign formula, but epically failed and sunk.
Go ahead and add another title to this lulzy list. Most already tanked to the bargain bin. Fuck, Overwatch is one lucky piece of shit.
- Paladins - Was one of the first games dubbed as so by the old media. Dropped the Sci from the -Fi elements a few months after release. Is still around but barely heard. Imitated Overwatch by creating their own e-sport league, which gaymers will probably watch mistaking it for soccer. Uses the kind of art you expect from crappy online ads you typically ignore whilst streaming pronz.
- Anthem - An online multiplayer RPG shooter created by Bioware with Halo-wannabe cardboard stick figures called Javelins who do side quests upon side quests upon side quests. Is very boring to play. So boring 80% of the userbase permanently left after only 2 months of release. Does not contain any romancing options. In a Bioware game. Bitch I'm out. Bioware are hoping this game will lead to them finally be able to divorce EA Games after 11 years of marriage, after accidentally a good game with Dragon Age: Inquisition. Whoops.
- Team Fortress 2 - Was created back in 2007, has no plot, and is still 200% more fun to play. Telling Overfags this blows their peabrains away. DO IT.
- Fortnite - The real Overwatch killer. It's free to play, it's on the Switch, many celebrities play it and it's all over the place. Got black people butthurt by having their dancemoves unofficially stolen without credit. Some of them even come from lame TV shows straight from the 90s. This has been happening since the days of Elvis but don't tell them, it breaks their hearts.
- League of Legends - When this 10+ year old game mainly played by poor manbabies can be considered a rival to yours, you know you dun goofed. When Overwatch was first released in 2016, it was called the LoL killer. Process that for a second.
- Apex Legends - What happens when you play Overwatch on easy mode with most of the characters being officially ghey? You get this game. It's so easy you can reach Level 60 in a matter of 3 days. You're quicker to die by parachute before reaching the level.
- Telltale Games - HA HA HA OH WOW even a dead company is better than Overwatch!
- Borderlands/Fallout - Choose whichever one. Even these games have a few titles that are better than Overwatch without fucking trying.
- Overwatch League - Created by Blizzard themselves to help players remember Overwatch exists all year round. Blizzard has ignored the main game for two whole years because of this shitty G4 TV remake, the League takes forever to start and finish. 4 fucking stages in 8 months. Not even football lasts that long. It has worked so far, but many reworks affected Overwatch characters to appease the rich manbabies over the people who play the game on a regular basis. Jack was turned gay to hide a scandal involving a dude hired by Blizzard pretending to be a gaymer gurl here.
- Starlink: Battle for Copyright - Made by Canadian/French snob rivals Ubisoft. If Overwatch and Star Wars ever have a baby, this would be the result. Star Fox and crew are in this game somehow to attract the furfags. It can steal what remains of the kiddie audience of Overwatch that didn't move on to Fortnite because Skylanderesque toys and it already is going to be launched on the Switch, something Blizzard is taking their sweet time to, because everyone's gonna download that sweet, sweet Switch port according to Jeff regardless of active competition.
- Michael Chu
- ANY OTHER FUCKING GAME
Blizzard wanted to make profits from a casual player paradise by turning it into a competitive team bout full of professional manchildren who drive buses on the side to make a living.
The result, after investing 20 million of stone cold dollars, is the Overwatch League. Sports investors still hesitate from putting their hard earned money into this side project to this day, two years after launch. It's barely advertised too, so apart from casual fags and a lack of TV viewership that dwindles on a yearly basis, why should anyone waste their time and watch this epilepsy inducing crap?
Most of the teams kill each other with u mad speeches and with so much chaos going on upon the screen no one knows what's going on, even the pros themselves.
Marvel waited four years before releasing the Avengers movie. Blizzard barely waited one before releasing the League crap with an unfinished game that's still missing solid content two years after inauguration. Great planning right there by Jeff Kaplan.
Most of the teams are full of foreigners, Asian gradeschoolers and manbabies despite the 'sport' taking place in America. Good luck finding a team that's not retarded.
The only lulzy thing from this e-sport wannabe is that Genji is allergic to cars and
Even people who live under a rock know about this 'scandal'. Blizzard realised the teams participating in the league were all full of sausage parties and hiring Geguri to placate the minor female audience who give a shit about this game simply wasn't enough to maintain viewership. If you were Blizzard, what would you have done next? Curb the toxic environment you created and hire moar female gaymers in the league? Or hire a dude to pretend they're a gurl gamer and hope no one notices? If you answered the second one, congrats Sherlock, surnamed No Shit! Because that's exactly what they did.
The internet realised a woman would never give up on something without a fuss, so after much digging, it was revealed Ellie was none other than a hoax fabricated by 'her' team Second Wind, probably for publicity reasons. Of course Blizzard handled this unforeseen situation with care and a professional attitude... by turning a beloved character gay literally out of the blue to hide their mishaps. AGAIN!
We were supposed to figure out Jack was cock dry by this one panel apparently, even though the person in the picture is obviously Tracer. Well done Blizzard!
LGBT rep everyone! Your 'get away with bullshit' card when convenient! If it worked for Bryke then why not here?
It's a rumor, but hopefully it will stay that way. If not, it probably will be as bad as the Street Fighter cartoon that plagued cable TV in the early 90s.
Tracer and her 3D rendered arse are the main reasons the clickbait hacks wrote their "articles" about identity politics as Blizzard (who apparently is not knowing a thing about videogames anymore) took decisions about her and her character that polarized the gamer community, demonstrating once more that Gaben was a fucking genius by not including female playable characters on the superior version of Overwatch, (and also free to play) Team Fortress 2.
Tracer Controversy #1: The Stupid Pose
Look at that sexist pile of shit. She has an ass for fuck's sake. Anyone who doesn't notice how sexist it is for a woman to have an ass should be shot, I mean, unless she has a fat feminist unfuckable ass or a flat and nonexistent one, it shouldn't be there. One more thing about this pose that is just degrading for woman is probably that she isn't holding a sandwich maker nor is she in the kitchen.
And another reasonable request. petition to remove all guns from the game .
This was a well placed campaign, although it would have been much more better if they removed the whole game.
So Blizzard somehow grew balls and glands and got a new pose that is literally based on a pin up.
Cuny McCunts were obviously pissed that everything in the world somehow weren't going their way but reality is sometimes just reality.
Meanwhile at the SJW hivemind, the NeoFaggots are still bitching and complaining over Tracer's ass because of her new pose.
Anyways, with this controversy solved, it's only a matter of time before SJWs and feminists manufacture another outrage in order to manipulate a company to do their biddings, despite never actually spending a single dollar on anything they've produced.
Tracer Controversy #2: Tracer is a rug muncher
—Blizzard, Shooting their own leg
Just when the idiots of Gamergate were celebrating that Blizzard trolled the SJW with the ridiculous pose, Last Thursday they released a Christmas comic in which they show that British hot tight pants is fond of chowing boxes, as if her bulldyke haircut wasn't enough of a giveaway.
Apparently Tracer is the first (there will be more) LGBTBBQWTF+ character of the franchise, as she has a relationship with a ginger called Emily, eerily looking too similar to another soulless lesbian ginger.
The reactions to this addition to the Overwatch in-game canon can vary from the likes of "Meh, I'm not going to pay 40 bucks for this tumblr ripoff shit", to "You bastards, Tracer is my waifu, Why did you this to me?". Still and, again, the ones with the most embarrassing reactions were the lab monkeys writing for SJW clickbait pages who reached orgasm with screams of "muh Diversity", "muh Inclusiveness" and "muh Representation" because of a fictional character enjoying and drinking vaginal fluids.
This Blizzard attempt to cater to more mature audiences with this cheap marketing stunt will backfire as in the first place, more 3D porn of Tracer fucking the rest of the female characters with a strap-on will be made, second, the hardcore gamers will not be playing it as they don't want queer representation while they are killing the shit of their fellow gamers and finally, the game only will be played by the obsessed tumblristas with queer pronouns, creating around the game a fandom more retarded than the fandom of Steven Universe. As if the Fembusters debacle wasn't enough, Blizzard apparently must learn from experience that you never cater to the qualms of SJW as they are bad and disloyal customers who are more interested on virtue signaling than buying your overpriced shit.
Other Less Important Rule 34 Characters
This is how braindead this game is
- Replace Fred Gallagher with Michael Chu, Rodney Carston with Chris Metzen, Megatokyo with Overwatch and it's basically the exact same thing
- Overwatch writers, take this test first, then come visit us again when most of your characters skip 100 points
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