PSP

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Can't we all just get along?

The PLAYSTATION® Porn-AbleTM is an obligatory pre-masturbation, post-pubescent training tool used by young Middle School boys when no Catholic churches are present.

The PSP (named after a rare brain disease that the developers contracted prior to announcing the project) is Sony's shitty foray into teh hand-helds, developed to challenge Nintendo's complete pwnage of the hand-held gaming and loli rape simulator markets.

Gameplay[edit]

The PSP has 3 shitty original games on it, half of which are ZOMG, and 250+ shitty console ports.

Other games include half-assed ports of just about every bit of PS2 shovelware that has ever come out, ports of PS1 games, miniaturized versions of PS3 titles, ports of Game Boy Advance ports of Wonderswan games, and several other categories of ports. Though Sony successfully baited early adopters with promises of a Gran Turismo port and a Final Fantasy game, these have turned out to be truth.

We love you too, Rockstar!

Hardware[edit]

The original PSP (now known as the PSP-1000 or the PSP Phat) was released in Japan on December 12, 2004. It started off like any other Sony product: shit. Not only did nearly every single one have a shitload of dead pixels, the Square button was known to get stuck. If that wasn't enough, simply holding the PSP wrong would cause the fucking game to pop out. Most of these problems were fixed for the US release, which was March 24, 2005.

Shortly after its release, 1337 hackers made custom firmware for the PSP, allowing it to run emulators of superior systems like the NES. Sony was pissed off seeing Mario take a shit on their product, so they began releasing a wave of new firmwares in order to combat the hackers, but Sony failed each time.

Firmware updates started to slow. Was Sony giving up? NOPE! Instead, they announced the PSP-2000 (the PSP Slim). Released in the US on September 6, 2007, this was not only lighter, but came with 32mb more RAM and the ability to use Skype and a shitty screen that collects dust behind it. The true purpose, however, was to stop the hackers, since this new model had a completely different motherboard. Again, Sony failed, and the 2000 was raped just as hard as its fat older brother (yet people prefer the latter).

Instead of taking more than a week to make a firmware people couldn't hack, and in order to make more money, Sony announced ANOTHER model of the PSP. Officially announced on August 20, 2008 and set to release some time in October, the PSP-3000 featured a built in microphone and a better LCD screen. Not only that, but they replaced the Home button (the button that opens the in-game menu) with a Playstation logo. This was done so retards would better understand that the button was not related to the @Home game for the PS3 that will never be released.

In 2009, Sony released the PSP Go. It was a shittier new version of the PSP which hid all the buttons on a slide out panel below the screen and removed the completely unnecessary UMD Drive, thus rendering the PSP Go completely useless because it had no buttons to push and no way to play movies or games on UMD. Now all those useless UMDs can finally go where they belong on the same shelf as those Betamax tapes and HD DVDs.

Features[edit]

Sony's answer to pissing the world off even more, just for the lulz.

It's a common known fact that the PSP comes with a tiny, uncomfortable joystick, but it's really more of a joynumb, scientifically engineered to snap off easily and roll into a sewer grate (though they said to make a better one, for model 2000). It only accepts expensive Sony media, making it a compelling option for consumers really looking to take it up the ass, but Sony plans to allow licensed homebrew 4 free (it has to be checked out by Sony, and the homebrew port has to be bought for a dumb, $120).

The PSP's battery lasts 5 hours if you don't do anything, just turn it on. It also has state-of-the-art anti-homebrew devices in the firmware to ensure you only play overpriced commercial games (4 now).

The piece of crap can actually compete with the very iPod itself and you can use it as a PS3 controller...the only fucking thing that makes PSP unable to do that is the motherfucking 5 hours-or-less battery stamina. You're listening to some mp3, and suddenly "zOMG what da fuck happened? Battery's out of power...FUCK!" One tranquil place in which you're playing that silly ass game Metal Gear Acid, and then "What the....again?! Fuck you Sony!!"

It's like a GBA you can play outside.

Homebrew[edit]

Because the games are so shitty, PSP has become host to a thriving homebrew scene, mostly concerned with emulating the Game Boy Advance system and other Nintendo systems. Unfortunately all of the homebrew games and applications are shit compared to any other system out there. Unfortunately, Sony is constantly updating the PSP's firmware, and many commercial games will not let you play unless you update. Attempting to crack the firmware will probably "brick", or ruin, your PSP, making it marginally more useful than it would be if it still worked.

As of this writing, Sony has stopped updating the PSP at version 6.60. Go wild and pirate everything you can!

Emulators[edit]

Better use of the PSP

Now you can even play Shitty Star Fox, with very shitty framerates! (Another reason why Krystal Can't Enjoy Her Sandwich.)

Only the most l337 hax0rz will be able to bypass this firmware.

Improving lives through technology.
  • PissSuckerPortable will be able to play homebrew legally if you pay 120$

PSPorn[edit]

PSP, like all video game consoles, is a danger to our nation's youth. Even worse is the fact that the PSP has access to hate sites and pronz sites that every child will immediately go to and be brainwashed as soon as possible. Faux News has more on this lulz. ZOMG BASEMENT DWELLING FURRY PEDOPHILES.

The Ultimate Console for Porn[edit]

The PSP has quite a lot of neat apps to watch porn online and offline, of course you must have a custom firmware installed. If you are too afraid to brick your PSP, you can still convert porn movies and watch them on you PSP with original firmware. This is without doubt the best way to use your PSP because all it's games sucks.

With Original Firmware

  • You can convert your movies to MP4 and put them in your memory stick and watch them where you want, you can't use full resolution though.
  • The PSP supports high resolutions pictures, so you can put your HD porn pictures into your PSP.
  • It's integrated web browser is quite shitty, but you can still go to porn sites with it, but unfortunately streaming video sites are not supported.
  • Its not like you can't do any of this with an Ipod.

With Custom Firmware

  • With PSPtube you can watch YouTube videos, but with the needed plugins you can watch also RedTube Tube8 and more.
  • With PimpStreamer you can stream your porn movies from your PC to your PSP.
  • With PMPlayer you can convert your porn movies and watch them in full resolution (480x272), it also runs at slower CPU speed, so you will save battery.

UMD[edit]

In the tradition of Betamax, Minidisc, and ATRAC, PSP's primary storage medium, known as the Universal Media Disc (UMD), has taken the baton as the latest proprietary Sony format that nobody uses. Though quite popular at first with mouth-breathing douchebags who thought playing Spiderman movies on their Game Boy would impress women, the format has since fizzled. UMDs also have a 80% chance of breaking due to their fucked up design.

Most scholars attribute UMD's failure to its being a shit product that no one would pay money for. In fact, UMD movies cost more than DVD movies, yet they have less storage space and features, and can't be played on televisions. Furthermore, since Sony prohibits distribution of UMD writers or blank UMD media, and UMD is not compatible with anything other than a PSP, the "universality" of the medium isn't immediately apparent. In Sony's defense, however, porn is just as available on UMD as it is on any other format.

Join a winning team.
Remember this one?
Bitches don't know 'bout his PSP.

Sony Defense Force: Portable Brigade[edit]

As PSP is Sony's first real failure in the gaming industry, Playstation Fanboyism has encountered understandable inertia in its mobilization of key defensive operations.

Sony's 2006 E3 press conference, known throughout gaming circles as the Sony fanboy "Pearl Harbor", thus triggered an erratic hemorrhaging of ill-conceived excuses among the Playstation Legions. Grasping amid a tsunami of overpriced hardware, giant enemy crabs, and Riiiiiiiiiiiidge Raaaaaaaceeeeeeeer, Sony fanboy turned on Sony fanboy, Nintendo fanboy on the sidelines nodding in canny acknowledgment.

The aftermath resulted in a massive diversion of fanboy resources away from the PSP and towards fortification of the once impervious Playstation 3 stronghold. With the portable situation clearly a sinking ship, decisive action was taken, Sony Defense Force (SDF) High Command appointing an elite brigade of its whiniest, most ill-informed fanboys to fend off the impending derailment of the PSP bandwagon.

This special brand of fanboy is quite dangerous in his ignorance, but easily identifiable to the layperson. Among his most common defenses, straight from the SDF handbook:

  • PSP has tons of great games, like Killzone, Splinter Cell, Syphon Filter, and Dragon Ball Z!
  • I wanted to play Call of Duty on a handheld anyway.
  • So what if Square-Enix isn't supporting it? I can emulate their Super Nintendo games! (Final Fantasy made a deal to work on PSP as long as ff is VERTIZZD on PSP quarterlys more often, and featured on a front cover 3 times in one year, and if Sony makes a commercial and pays for it)
  • Now we can emulate 6 PS1 games officially, so long as we pay 6 bucks for them through the on-line store built into the $600 version of the PS3.

PSP GO[edit]

File:Miyamoto on the PSP Go.jpg
Miyamoto was the first to spot the fail upon the PSP Go's release as to why it wouldn't sell

A new, shittier version of the PSP that contains even more fail than the DSI. Sony thought it was NECESSARY to remove the UMD drive. It's now replaced with a 16GB card, so when you need to buy a new one, it will be expensive as fuck!

Not only that, but you are forced to use Sony's PSN. Enjoy paying $29.99 for a game when you can get it brand new and sealed on Amazon for 5 bucks (ex. Hot Shots Golf 2). Also, enjoy your lack of interchangeable battery. You have to dismantle the unit to get to it.

And finally to put bullshit on top of moar bullshit, it has a sliding function where you slide the screen up and you see the buttons come up like a cheap Sidekick rehash.

PSP2/PSVita[edit]

Fanboys have been expecting a PSP2 to be released ever since the original PoSP was released in 2005. Since we are talking about Sony fanboys here, the expectations were, of course absolutely ridiculous. Now that Nintendo has officially shown a successor to the Nintendo DS, the rumors and expectations have gotten even more ridiculous, as demonstrated:


   
 
I think sony needs to add a second analog stick, as well as an L2 and R2 button, without making the thing any bigger. Oh, and touch screen is absolutely necessary. Multi-touch even. And keep the UMDs, but make sure the PSP2 uses UMDs with Blu-Ray technology that can hold at least 30x as much as the current generation discs. It should also have an improved web browsers with Flash support and the screen should have at least a 720p resolution. Oh, and as for the hardware, my laptop is 2 years old and has 4gb of RAM, you should be able to squeeze that kind of power into a PSP-sized device by now (DON'T MAKE IT BIGGER). It should also have a micro HD so it can hold 160GB like the new iPods. It should be able to play music during games like the Xbox 360, and there should also be some form of advanced tilt sensor that puts Wii Motion Plus to shame, because why not? Also, glasses-free 3D is pretty much necessary since Nintendo is doing it. Also, games should be available on discs but I want a way to store games I buy physically in a digital format, and a way to convert games I buy digitally into a physical format. If it does all this and launches at a price point of $99.99 or less, I might consider buying a PSP2, but only if it has at least 12 AAA-rated titles at launch. And don't make the games too expensive, $10 each should be more than enough.
 

 
 

Professor_Bacon, in a comment posted on Kotaku

Sony eventually came out with the PS Vita in 2012, which has the multi-touch screen and two analog sticks, but it's library is even more abysmal than the PSP, with almost every game being a port of another console title, some indie hipster garbage, or some weebshit that nobody cares to learn how to play, all while costing ludicrous amounts. Sony practically considers the Vita dead in the water and more of an add-on to the PlayStation 4, with even that now taking a backseat to PlayStation VR.

PSP and 4chan[edit]

The 20'000 get of /r9k/ was a post, containing the single word psp. Naturally/sadly, this lead to the PSP becoming /r9k/'s official console.

The final form of the PSP.

Gallery[edit]

See Also[edit]

Links[edit]

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