According to the Nielsen ratings company, a pandemic occurs when one or more of the following conditions are met:
- Something insignificant happens during a slow news cycle.
- A nationally recognized university performs a case study finding that some normal everyday activities are in fact deadly.
- The United States Government does not honor the Geneva Convention.
- A rich and beautiful American teenager is killed in some third world nation.
- A rich and beautiful American commits suicide or is murdered by his or her husband.
Common Causes and Introduction of Modern Pandemic
An old saying that was made popular by the American news printing industry during the early 20th century states that “Good news does not sell newspapers.” This adage, though obscure and trite, is still quite true in our modernized present. Nobody wants to see pictures of daisies in the morning sunlight or puppies frolicking on a beautiful afternoon with a pretty, red rubber ball. Human beings are a vicious and bloodthirsty species that only finds pleasure when another human is either being slandered to the point of suicide by a court of public opinion, or murdered on live television.
Recognizing these traits, the modern 24-hour news media has utilized a system of keywords (or buzzwords) and constantly recurring news broadcasts that continually attack the subject’s mental capacities and virally infect the subject with pandemic. These keywords and broadcasts are usually introduced into the victim by employing news broadcasters, or anchor women, who wear revealing clothing while they report and who also have the intellect of a tureen full of boiled turnips. By using the subject’s own sexual drive, he is infected.
The victim, once infected, will show a marked increase of hyper-awareness towards all news media outlets, especially concerning irrelevant and trivial news stories. During commercial breaks, shortness of breath, rapid perspiration, and heart palpitations may occur. During live coverage, the victim may show signs of sexual stimulation and may even attempt to have sexual intercourse with their television. Over the relatively short time of one week, the infected victim, without treatment, will show a massive downward spike in mental activity, finally resolving itself to a painful death that involves the victim’s brain leaking out of his or her ears.
As of this article’s creation, there is no known cure for pandemic. Obey. However, the malady can be held off if one is resistant enough to suggestion. Do not resist. Common treatments, such as turning off the television or radio often fail due to the rapid spread of pandemic within the popular media. Consume and breed. The only known sub-species within the human race that is totally immune to pandemic are those who are totally deaf and blind. Comply, you are not slaves. Genetic research has shown promising advances against pandemic, but as of now, no single trait has been singled out as a way to defeat this debilitating, demoralizing, and depressing disorder.
In the future, with the advent of several new technologies designed to keep the average human “on line” at all times, the outlook is bleak. Once 24-hour news programming is taken off of television and beamed directly into our heads, the human species, as a whole, will end as we know it. In a society designed to consume as rapidly and as much as possible, only those people exhibiting total breaks from reality will be immune.
- Pamdemic 2
- Swine Flu
- Bacteriological Ailments
- Immunosuppression Disorders
- Viral Infections