Paprium

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Paprium is the new Duke Nukem Forever, or the next Coleco Chameleon, you name it. Vaporware. A vidya game that was announced over a decade ago, is currently still "in development" but will never actually be released. Every once in a while new promotional material is shown while the game seemingly makes no progress towards completion and people are left to wonder if the game is even real.


The Game[edit]

Last Thursday, SEGA made a console called the Mega Drive (Genesis to Americunts). New games are still released for this piece of junk thanks to crowdfunding. In 2010, a company called WaterMelon Games made a shitty RPG called Pier Solar which was in development for years but eventually did see an official release. One of the "features" of this game was the fact that it was 64 megabits, which made it the largest game ever made for the system (and much harder to pirate and put on a flashcart like the Mega Everdrive - which is the real reason why they did it). After Pier Solar, Watermelon's next project became a Streets of Rage rip-off with another gimmick: Paprium, featuring the "Datenmeister" chip (because German words sound cool).

Nobody really knows what this chip does. First, it was there to add more storage space, then it was there to make the Mega Drive output more colors than it's normally capable of (which isn't possible) and by now nobody knows what the fuck is going on any more. Apparently the Datenmeister now hooks up to the internet so it can download a patch to eventually fix the game years from now as WaterMelon will inevitably be forced to ship a broken game at some point to please investors who have been waiting for this game to come out for years. The Chinese company who is supposedly making these chips isn't real, they have a website with no information which was registered by Fonzie, the main guy at WaterMelon Games. See where this is going?

If you want to pre-order the game right now, you can't (thankfully). According to the Paprium website, PayPal is blocking WaterMelon from accessing their funds because PayPal thinks it's weird a small company like WaterMelon is making a lot of money. This message has been on their website for over two years. Would PayPal really do this? Of course not. It's just another bullshit excuse as to why the game still isn't out yet. They already have the money from investors who funded the game ages ago. Or perhaps PayPal knows people are being scammed and that's why they're blocking WaterMelon from accessing the money.

What's funny is that, for a game that's nowhere near completion, there's been trailers, a tv commercial, a manga, soda cans and even a launch party. Yes, a fucking launch party in Paris, where people could see a broken unfinished glitchy game displayed from a console with wires hanging out. You could make a more functional game in five weeks.

Fonzie the Scammer[edit]

The guy responsible for this mess is often called Fonzie. Real name: Godde. A French dude who hired artists and musicians to work on the game, then broke off all contact with them, didn't pay them and ran off with the funds for the game to do whatever he feels like while still promising the game is going to be released and missing every single deadline he sets.

Don't worry guys, the game's real, we have purple cartridges now! Aren't we cool? We're making so much progress!

See also[edit]

External links[edit]


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