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Pennsylvania

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And the citizens agree, fuck PA.
Former Governor Gravelthroat

Pennsyltucky is best described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with 46,000 square miles of Kentucky in-between. Pennsylvania was once known for its large oil reserves, steel mills and famous sports teams; since 1980, these items no longer exist in Pennsylvania and it's now known for being the place where people from New Jersey go to clear that state's poison gas from their lungs. In fact, Pennsylvania is similar to New Jersey, though the populace is somehow far worse and there's even less to do.

Contents

Alcohol

Pennsylvania is noteworthy for its fucktarded, archaic liquor laws, as the state has a monopoly on wine and hard liquor sales. If you find yourself in Pennsylvania (in which case you will require booze to put up with being surrounded by cow-tipping Klansmen), you have to go to a state store to buy either of those things (or a winery, or one of the state's rare outlets for wine). However, you will not be able to get beer. If you want beer, you have to go to a beer distributor. But you'll only be able to buy 24-packs. If you want to buy a six-pack, you have to find an open bar, which will rape you for the cost. Sometimes pizza places carry forties. I don't know why. You will not find alcohol in gas stations or grocery stores, because unlike normal states, Pennsylvania is mentally retarded.

You will only be able to buy what the state has chosen to sell, and interestingly, the good shit like 190 proof Everclear is just illegal. The system is supposedly a good thing in that the state buys an assload of alcohol and passes discounts down to you, but that is immediately negated by the fact that the liquor tax is 18% which adds up real fucking quick.

Still, the most fucked thing about this all is that despite the fact that everyone in the state has to get their drugs like those on methadone (from 'the man') the state still ranks right up there in Per Capita alcohol consumption. Sure, they are not like the wasted fucks from New Hampshire but if it wasn't for state stores everyone in the state would be wasted pretty much all the time.

Sports

Philly has a couple sports teams, don't get your panties in a bunch. They are all named patriotically and idiotically the 76's, the Eagles, Phillys.

The Flyers play hockey and have a pretty brutal reputation which is nothing compared to their fans. They are the American version of British football hooligans.

The Philly's play baseball more or less. It's also one of the dumbest least original names in all of sports, The Philadelphia Philly's. It would be the same as the New York Yorkers. A 'Filly' is a female horse which fits.

The Eagles: they hired this guy what more to say?

Boxing. Philly has a long, long tradition of people beating the shit out of each other and so boxing works for the city. Everyone talks about Rocky and runs up the steps of the Art Museum, its the same how tourists line up for Abby Road in the UK.

Pittsburgh was known for the Steelers, at one time the best football team in the country, but now just end up getting assraped at nearly every game. Nobody cares about the Pirates.

This is Bill Burr lays it down like Jesus might and shows why we NEED comedians.

Sightseeing in PA

Pennsylvania has a bit in common with Canada in that most of its population lives near its borders, so they can spend their money on booze in a neighboring state with more relaxed laws. The Pennsylvania legislature are such huge fucktards that they either don't notice this, or it's a plot to keep the citizens away from Harrisburg--the centrally located state capital.

PA is home to:

  • Abandoned steel mills, though they are being demolished in favor of strip malls.
  • Fluorescent light signs advertising Amish communities.
  • Climax, PA; not to be confused with Intercourse, PA or Bird-In-Hand, PA, both of which are the opposite of Blue Ball, PA.
  • Coal mine fires that nobody bothered to put out.
  • Orange construction barrels and "ROAD WORK AHEAD" signs from March to December.
  • Road signs that haven't been updated since the Pirates were a good baseball team.
  • A full and rich array of different potholes, some large enough to swallow yachts.
  • Endless coal mines, open shafts and vents.
  • McKeesport - record holding ghetto of the "First double-homicide of 2008" and "First Vehicular Manslaughter of 2009" awards.
  • PENNDOT - the largest government troll organization, known for its inability to recognize its own documents.
  • Rotting rural trailer parks full of northerners who proudly fly the Confederate flag.
  • A highway that ran out of funding and was sold back to a farmer known as "The Goat Path."

Unfortunately, the metric fuckton of bridge maintenance crews infesting the state prevent one from seeing everything Pennsylvania has to offer.

The Lehigh Valley Area

At least 100 years ago, the Lehigh Valley area was semi-rural and filled with nice and friendly human beings. For some reason (after 9/11), New Yorkers, Jerseyites, and black person flooded the area. They built large developments and overcrowded the schools. This led to massive increases in property taxes to pay for school budgets, which pissed off all of the native residents. The crime rate went from about 0.001 to over 9000. Scranton (home to the show The Office and pretend home of Joe Biden) is also in this area.

Joe Biden pretending to be from Scranton.


Scranton/Pocono Valley/mountains

Scranton is actually an alright city, the population of niggers and illegal immigrants is very low. If you live anywhere else in NEPA you're probably used to driving 30-60 minutes to get away from what ever hillbilly infested shit hole you reside in, to Scranton. Scranton is at the western end of Pocono Valley. The only thing fun to do in the rest of the Valley and Pocono mountains is drunk driving and committing suicide. If you're in Scranton in the summer you might be lucky enough to experience a phenomenon that has baffled Scranton's residents for years. Every summer 100s of Drunk Russian Jew tourists stumble from the cracks and alleys of Scranton, and in a glorious display, they walk around Nay Aug Park and drunkingly harass local children.

People who live in the Pocono Mountains are usually rich slum lord jews from NYC, and live in lake side developments. the rest are old people, hillbillies, and people that wished they lived elsewhere. There's pretty much on town in all of Wayne County (PA's northern eastest county) that has a police force, and that town in Honesdale. Honesdale is a rest stop for FAGGOT COCK SUCKING JEW NEW YORKERS. For some unknown reason, Pocono Mountains is a very popular place for FAGGOT COCK SUCKING JEW NEW YORKERS to take vacations. Which can be a very good thing for the lonely teens that live in the area, who doesn't love hanging out at RV sites and banging daddies little girl?

How to tell who is a local:

  • Last name is Kresege, Palmer, Burger, Gower, Borger, Heckman, Gould, Getz, Frantz, Shaffer, Kunkle...or any other German-sounding name.
  • Last name is a local store.
  • they hunt, fish, wear camo, etc...
  • Own over 9000 guns and/or acres of land.
  • Add "say" to the end of every other sentence, say "anymore" when they mean "nowadays" (e.g., "Black people are so uppity anymore!"), and/or speak with a "Pennsylvania Dutch" accent.
  • Hate people from NY and NJ.

How to tell who is not a local:

  • Are nigras.
  • Are not white.
  • Live in developments.
  • Whine about how they hate PA and want to move back to NY or NJ, but never will.
  • Are retarded.
  • Talk like a New Yorka'.
  • Cannot drive well or ride your ass like a dumb fuck.
  • Don't tip at the car wash.
  • Have AIDS.
File:Fatbikini.jpg
What every girl in PA looks like.

Things to do in PA

  • Spy on schoolchildren
  • Rape schoolchildren
  • Get drunk, vomit on sidewalks.
  • Become a Scranton cop and start shooting niggers.
  • Make fun of New Jersey without realizing that Pennsylvania has all the shittiness of Jersey with none of the awesome loose women.
  • Commit suicide (Good luck trying to find a bridge)
  • Shoot yourself at a press conference for the lulz
  • Root for shitty sports teams
  • Watch two hound dogs fuck in the middle of the street.
  • Drive around for no reason, because you have nothing better to do.
  • Go to Bucks County, the shittier version of Philadelphia.
  • Whistle for a cab.
  • Shit on Hershey Park.
  • Go to Atlantic City, the only interesting thing in New Jersey and Pennsylvania combined.
  • Wait nine hours for a bus (Pittsburgh only).
  • Visit Andy Warhol's grave (A 2 minute walk from That Thing There's house).
  • Anthrocon - Held annually at the Pittsburgh-Westin/David L. Lawrence Convention Center.
  • Get harassed by the Philadelphia Parking Authority.
  • Drive four hours to State College just to get an ice cream cone. Hey, it's good ice cream.
  • Become Mayor of Pittsburgh, then change your name from Luke Ravenstahl to Luke Steelerstahl [1].
  • Win 6 Superbowls 2 while simultaneously raping college girls in bar bathrooms.
  • Wish that you could buy cheap booze.
  • Move back in with your parents.
  • Train spotting at Horseshoe Curve (Altoona), Steamtown (Scranton), PA RR Museum (Strasburg), Atheist Station (Gallitzin), and other foamer hangouts. The best train spotting is from ON the tracks though. Moar people need to know this.
  • Take out of state guests to Centralia to watch the ground smoke.
  • Complain about the stench rising off the Amish guy standing behind you in line at Wal-Mart.
  • Become the quarterback for one of the two shitty NFL teams and go around raping anything with a vagina
  • Drive around drunk
  • Street race cars, that look like they could fall apart at any given moment, down back roads at 4:00am in the morning.
  • Burn down houses
  • Have your house burned down
  • Sodomize the towel boy in the locker room with broom sticks, then call him gay
  • DRIVE BIG TRUCKS CAUSE WE 'MERICA
  • Try to find a nigger Try to avoid niggers
  • Run up the museum steps EXACTLY like Rocky did.

State Facts

Lulzworthy and Legendary Citizens

  • Adf-fuensalida
  • Alan The Panda
  • Andy Cornhole
  • Budd Dwyer Killed himself on TV, proto JackAss
  • Billy Mays (Not even OxiClean could rid us of him completely but the cocaine at least got him off the tv making way for the ShamWow guy
  • Richard Poplawski
  • Ed Rendell
  • Trent Reznor who used to date Marilyn Manson, oh, and they had a couple kids together.
  • Will Smith
  • Brenda Williams
  • George Sodini
  • These EDiots
  • Amanda Seyfried
  • Ron Paul No, really, he was born there.
  • James Buchanon, only Pennsylvanian president and closeted homosexual, other fags from PA include: Kevin Bacon, Charles Bronson, Bill Cosby, Dennis Miller, the bloodhound gang, the Dead Milkmen
  • Bam Margera
  • Ryan Dunn - who not only was born in Pa he died there too when, drunk off his ass slammed into a tree too bad they didn't record that bit for an episode of JackAss.
  • Mumia Abu-Jamal - Cop Killer, way to go brother
  • Jerry Sandusky Who was dropping digits in kids asses long before PedoBear showed up


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