Pennsylvania School Stabbing

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"KNIFE TO MEET YOU." School shooter knifer Alex Hribal.

On April 9th, 2014, Franklin Regional Senior High School became the latest map available to the school shooter gaming community. The objective, of course, being to shoot as many teachers and students as possible before the authorities are notified. Unfortunately for expectant lulz seekers around the world, the underage fucktard playing this map decided it should be played in the special game mode of knives only and didn't even place on the high scores list as a result.

Game mode set to close range combat only.

Knives > Guns[edit]

This tragedy brought to you by Proactiv™.
A level 2 mini-boss.

Alexander Brandon Hribal is the faggot in question, and no one is sure why he showed up equipped with such an interesting choice of arsenal. The 16-year-old was apparently uninspired by the recent Fort Hood sequel to V-Tech, where the shooter only managed to kill 3 victims before killing himself. At least that fucktard knew to use a fucking gun. This kid wasn't even Muslim, he was just a pizza-faced nobody who got punked at school all the time.

After making one final entry in his tear-stained diary, the acne-ridden sophomore equipped himself with a blade and hit the battlefield, stabbing most of his enemies in the abdominal area like an abortion specialist.

A hall monitor spotted the knife-wielding teen and pulled the nearest fire alarm, then immediately proceeded to make a run for the exit doors, trampling several expendable weaklings in the process, and leaving them shitting their pants and vulnerable to a good old fashioned knife raping.

Unfortunately for Alex, he was a casual gamer and wasn't paying attention when he showed up in the radar of Assistant Principal Sam King, who was the mini-boss of that particular area of the battlefield.

Before the scrawny teen was tackled by King and subsequently handcuffed by a doughnut-grubbing cop, he had managed to slash 22 people, with 7 teens and one adult being listed in serious condition. Alex's kill count ended up being a fat, jolly zero. The exact reason for this failure is still open to debate, although experts say Alex simply forgot that Call of Duty cheat codes don't actually work IRL, and that you don't automatically slide directly into someone's vitals when you swing a blade in their general direction.

The Contestants

The Aftermath[edit]

Reporters flocked to the scene in search of shocked parents and traumatized/bloody students to film, but immediately lost interest when they heard there were no guns involved, as there wasn't any liberal agenda to push. The only "news" that continues to report this story is Fox.

Band-aids and hugs were given to Alex's victims, all of whom denied needing any sort of therapy as a result of the "tragedy." The fact that this dweeb used a knife instead of a gun is laughable, and comparable to cutting down a tree with an ice pick instead of a chainsaw. His victims actually secretly thanked Alex for what he did, as it made them temporarily famous on the news, and one faggot even posted a knife-wound selfie of himself in the hospital on his Instagram.

As is always the case in following any school or theater-related attack, it was time to play the blame game. Alex used a classic defense of "I have multiple handicaps" and of course blamed the school for allowing him to be bullied on campus. With this defense, he hopes to be released as soon as possible so he can retry his mission and beat his current score.


   
 
One of the kids he stabbed was a good friend of his.

He didn't have a lot of friends, but he was not bullied.

 

 
 

—Santino, with a friend like Alex...

Theories[edit]

Der lib'ral meedya derd it!

Some argue that this game was created by the liberal media to push their agenda of disarming the populace by making it clear that if a kid does not have access to guns, he will be incapable of killing a single person.

This same idea was presented last year in Ryan Lambourn's hit game The Slaying of Sandy Hook Elementary School, which used score manipulation to convince the player that if Adam Lanza had used a sword, he could not have possibly killed anyone. In the cases of Alex Hribal and Adam Lanza this may be true, as their complete lack of hand-eye coordination can be attributed to their diagnosed autism.

Other theories include that this entire ordeal was planned by Obama to mock the Chinese, whom for the last 4 years have been struggling with strings of knife attacks at their schools. Obama's plan unfortunately backfired, as the Chinese are affluent in Kung-Fu and can actually inflict more than a graze wound with a blade. Most of these theories were of course brought forth by the king of tin-hatters himself, Alex Jones.

Autism Aftermath[edit]

Alex's fate in Prison.

Sometime in mid 2015, our autist Alex confessed to psychologists that he thought he was being controlled by the deceased Columbine shooters; Reb & VoDKa. A defense psychiatrist said Hribal thought he was being "egged on or controlled by Dylan and Eric all the way from hell." The defense psychologists claim that he was psycho and severely depressed at the time of the autistic rampage assault, and that he planned to be killed by the pigs. Unfortunately for Alex the autist's plans, he's white so of course the police immediately detained him peacefully without injury. Like every faggy school shooter, Hribal was obsessed with lolumbine.

It is quite possible Alex will be locked up for a very long time.

Graded Score[edit]

Graded score
Kill count: 0/20 (24 injured)
Accuracy: 9/20
Style: 16/20
Butthurt: 8/20
Bonus: 20/20
bonus points for close range combat
Total score: 53/100 (F)
TRY AGAIN, FAGGOT.
See full ranking

Wanted Level
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Wanted1mallcop.png

Mall Cop


Quotes[edit]

   
 
He's a nice kid from a nice family," said Owen, an 11th grader. "We're not really sure what came up -- why he did this.
 

 
 

—Owen, because he was a nice kid from a nice family

   
 
He talked to me and a couple other people, but he was really quiet around other people. He's really smart.
 

 
 

—Jake, Hribal's lab partner in biology

YouTube[edit]

Alex Hribal had 'minor' social media presence
Student: "I saw blood gushing from his stomach."
Witness: 'In 30 seconds I saw 3 people get stabbed...

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Aaron AlexisAbdul Razak Ali ArtanAdam LanzaAlex HribalAli David SonbolyAlyssa BustamanteAnders Behring BreivikBaruch GoldsteinBruce Jeffrey PardoCasey AnthonyCho Seung-HuiChris Harper-Mercer Daniel PetricDmitry VinogradovDylann Storm RoofElliot RodgerAmanda KnoxGeorge SodiniGerry McCannIrvin Eugene Helton JrJared Lee LoughnerJason RodriguezJeff WeiseJiverly VoongJoe StackJosef FritzlKimveer GillKip KinkelLindsay Kantha SouvannarathLogan ClarkMalik Nadal HasanMarc LepineMark EssexMartin BryantMatthew MurrayMatthew de GroodMatti SaariMaurice ClemmonsMichael CarnealMichael RyanMichael WoodmanseeMutsuo ToiPekka-Eric AuvinenRaoul MoatRobert BalesRobert HawkinsRobert SteinhäuserSebastian BosseSteve StephensTJ LaneTim KretschmerTyler PetersonTheodore "The Unabomber" KaczynskiVester Lee "Bryce Williams" Flanagan IIWade Michael PageZac Penton

Career/Serial Killers:

Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer

Terrorists:

Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevOmar MateenSanta ClausTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin LadenEric Harris and Dylan KleboldSam Hyde

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderCannibal HolocaustParanoid personality disorderSick fuckMurderJewsPolice Brutality

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