Perfect Dark

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Featuring Two-Face as a playable character.

Perfect Dark is an FPS videogame which has a cult following among basement dwelling N64 defenders. Originally helmed by Martin "I hate guns and I love gay sex" Hollis, lead development duties were taken on by Duncan Botwood after Hollis went on a spiritual journey to make games about love.

Why It So Good?[edit]

Gameplay from 360 version. Also, Rule 34.

Perfect Dark is better than every single other FPS game ever made. The exact reasons for this are impossible to pin down, but can be narrowed down to "feelings", "You can shoot out the lights! OMG!", "THE ENEMIES SURRENDER! OMG!", and "the shooting is intentionally unenjoyable. This makes it good."

Characters[edit]

Perfect Dark has an cast of colourful characters. Perfect Dark Zero also has a cast of colourful characters, but since nobody played Perfect Dark Zero, they're not worth mentioning.

Joanna Dark
The most awesome agent ever.
Jonathan Dark
Jonathan is not actually related to Joanna, according to canon. This is about as convincing as Buster and Babs Bunny from Tiny Toons not being brother and sister. In fact, Joanna and Jonathan are twins. With a different mother. Rareware, fully aware that twincest is hawt, created this dynamic twin duo. They were expected to have a threesome with Elvis in Perfect Dark: Core, but Microsoft needed extra funds to pursue the gay agenda, so this dream was never realized.
Daniel Carrington
Scottish pushover who runs the Discovery Institute, a creationist organization disguised as a technology provider. Utter pussy, unable to handle a BDSM session with Cassandra De Vries. You can attempt to give him a blow job, but he objects because he's only sexually attracted to short, gray-skinned little men.
Cassandra De Vries
Head of the Datadyne Corporation, which doesn't make a great deal of sense since Corporations aren't run by individuals. Evidently, the other members of the board are locked in her BDSM dungeon. Some have suggested she is a feminazi lesbian because she surrounds herself with women, including a hot sub secretary and an army of hot, leather-clad bodyguards. This is ridiculous, because feminism doesn't exist in Perfect Dark. She dies creating a pointless distraction for Joanna Dark to escape from the Skedar. Opinions vary on whether she got some sweet, sweet lovin' from Joanna Dark's unconscious form while she was knocked out.
Trent Easton
Typical NSA agent. Manipulates President Obama into ending prayer in schools and legalizing horse sodomy. Gets raped in the arse by a Skedar Warrior disguised as a hot blonde twink.
Doctor Caroll
Super-intelligent AI who does stuff. The exact nature of the stuff he does is never specified, but we're led to believe it's important. Gets an STD from sex with an ancient alien space pussy.
Elvis
Alien who thinks impersonating a dead pop singer is the high of hilarity. Most players have killed him at least once. Not because he's annoying, but because he gets in the way. But to be fair, he is kinda cute.
President Obama
America's first Scottish-African-American-Kenyan President.
The Skedar
The Skedar are like Evangelion piloted by low information American voters. Insane, fanatical, and prone to acts of violence against anyone who dares to suggest their leader was born on another planet. Fortunately, like all low information voters, they are incredibly stupid and respond well to being shot in the head. Some intellectual fucktards have suggested that the Skedar represent Muslims, and Joanna Dark destroying their holiest of holy places to end a long and brutal war is like destroying Mecca to end Islamic terrorism. Which is obviously not... OH, MY GOD, WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA!

Sequels[edit]

Fap to this!

Being the trolls that they are, Microsoft decided to arrange a hostile takeover of the company who made the game, Rare. This caused Nintenfags to RAGE because of the fact that this company brought them many delicious games like Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo-Tooie, DK64 and not to mention, Goldeneye.

With this, Bill Gates forced Rare to create a sequel to Perfect Dark so they could cash in on its glory, not like he needs it, faggot. Rare managed to shit out Perfect Dark Zero, a game to be released on the Failbox 360. Although, in a deliciously ironic twist, Rare trolled Microsoft by creating a shit game that could only average 7/10 from game reviewers. Bill then boomheadshotted the CEO of Rare in an act of frustration.

Rareware then handed development of Perfect Dark 3, aka Perfect Dark: Core, over to Chris Seavor, the man behind the loltastic Conker's Bad Fur Day. His initial plan to turn Joanna Dark into a tough-talking bisexual squirrel who has a threesome with Conker and Berri's frozen corpse was shot down when Microsoft finally comprehended the goldmine they were sitting on. So they took the greatest British developer in history, and forced them to make children's games and kinect shit. In order to achieve this fine and noble goal, the Perfect Dark 3 team was cut to 3 people, two of whom were chipmunks. The game was finally released on September 9, 2054, to glowing reviews.

XBLA Rerelease[edit]

In 2010, the game was given a rimming until it glistened like morning dew. This version was then released for the Xbox 360, on the Xbox Live Arcade service. This version is notable for taking all the original character designs and RAPING THEM IN THE ARSE. The original Perfect Dark team were locked in an abandoned kiddy porn dungeon for the duration of development to prevent them interfering with the glorious improvement.

PC Fanbase[edit]

The game has a dedicated following of PC gamers who play the game via emulators, none of which emulate the game correctly. But this does not bother the PC master race, who don't consider pausing the game and disabling most of the special effects every time they want to run the combat simulator immersion breaking. At all.

PC fanbois cried bitter tears and fapped to Joanna's portrait when the XBLA version was released, and they discovered that Microsoft wasn't going to give them a native PC port of Perfect Dark. This butthurt lasted for all of five minutes before they fell back on the time-honoured defensive mechanism of calling the new version shit, accusing the new gun designs of looking ghey, and claiming Elvis no longer looked cute. Because vicious alien warriors have to look cute.

Literature[edit]

When a game becomes so popular it has its own series of books, you know something is fucking wrong (refer to Gears of War, Runescape, and Mario). Not surprisingly, this happened after Microsoft took over Rare. The first novel and the second novel can be found here.

Remember when you unlocked that cheat?!
Extreme action!


Trolling Perfect Dark fans[edit]

Insist Goldeneye is better.

Insist Perfect Dark Zero is better.

Point out that getting the stealth system to work requires you to play like an autistic weeb.

Ask why the game has so many bugs if it's "PERFECT".

Say Joanna Dark should be barefoot in the kitchen, making sandwiches for James Bond.

Point out how absurd the entire 'hologram' explanation for the humanoid Skedar is.

Point out how unrealistic the game is - aliens don't exist, bullets can't lock onto targets, cars don't explode when shot, and no black man will ever be US president.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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