Phantasy Star II

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What the game's aesthetic was supposed to look like.

Phantasy Star II (Weebspeak: ファンタシースターII 還らざる時の終わりに; Literally: Phantasy Star II: At The End of a Time Which Can't Be Returned To) is a shitty turn-based JRPG that was originally released in Japan on March 21, 1989, for the Sega Mega Drive and was brought to North America a year later with a shit-tier translation and 80s sci-fi cover art that can cause cancer if you stare at it for too long. The game has since been re-released in numerous compilations of Sega's least shitty games and was even given a Japan-only remake for the Playstation 2 in 2005.

A direct sequel to 1987's Phantasy Star for the Sega Master System, Phantasy Star II once again takes place in the Algol star system but, unlike its predecessor, only takes place across two different planets because, MAJOR SPOILER WARNING: planet Palma actually gets blown the fuck up two-thirds of the way into the game. The game is also set 942 years after the original, which explains why the androgynous bishie wizard from the first game is the only character from the first game who makes an actual physical appearance – albeit with his original Japanese name thanks to the fact that the random homeless people that Sega hired to translate the game either hadn't played the original or didn't fucking care.

Phantasy Star II is widely known for its animu-style cutscenes and for featuring an incredibly deep, plot-hole filled, sci-fi story about the world being put in peril thanks to mankind's own sloth and overreliance on technology. In what was considered a shocking plot-twist for an RPG at the time, the game's main waifu character ends up getting permanently killed off a third of the way through the game. Does all of this sound somewhat familiar? That's probably because a game called Final Fantasy VII ripped all of this off about 8 years later to widespread critical acclaim.

Gameplay[edit]

QUALITY gameplay.

Phantasy Star II is a typical 1980s RPG that features hours upon hours of grinding and fetch quests that cover up about an hour of actual gameplay. In a major departure from most RPGs of the time, Phantasy Star II attempts to ease your overworked fingers by encouraging the use of an auto battle feature that lets you set each party members' actions with the STGY command and then lets you spam those actions with the FGHT command until you either win the battle or die. Unfortunately, this attempt at innovation often results in you having to press even more buttons during battles since you'll constantly be having to reset all of your actions whenever you need to use a healing item or skill in battle.

All battles take place in The Matrix because the lazy dumbfucks at Sega couldn't find the time to put fancy battle backgrounds into a Mega Drive game despite managing to do it in the Master System prequel only a year earlier. Unlike in the first game, however, you can now encounter two different kinds of monsters in a single battle – which is honestly not at all impressive for a game from fucking 1989. Also unlike the original Phantasy Star which had fixed stats for all characters, Phantasy Star II takes a lesson in shitty game design from RPGs such as MOTHER and features semi-random stat increases on level up. As a result, OCD sufferers will often repeatedly reload their save file until they get a stat increase that they're satisfied with.

The dungeons in Phantasy Star II have been given a massive downgrade and are no longer first-person 3D dungeons, but are instead labyrinthian top-down dungeons that look and feel like they were designed by Down Syndrome kids who have no grasp on basic architectural design. The dungeons also make use of 16-bit technology to add an annoying foreground layer to each dungeon – the earlier dungeons feature a bunch of pipes that obstruct your view, while later dungeons feature more fog than Silent Hill.

Plot[edit]

The typical fantard's reaction to Nei's death.

Phantasy Star II is, by far, the darkest and edgiest entry in the entire Phantasy Star franchise. Following the relatively tame plot of the original Phantasy Star, Sega decided to make the sequel into a fucking depressing mess to appeal to members of typical 90s cliques such as school shooters and emofags. This is a game that isn't content with hitting the player with a single tragedy, but instead piles them up one after the other in an attempt to extort all the feels out of you. Unfortunately, the fact that the game is so poorly translated and the plot is filled with more holes than a Sandy Hook student makes it exceedingly hard to actually feel anything while playing it.

Paseo to Oputa[edit]

Where the average gamer will ragequit.

The game begins with Rolf—a blue-haired faggot and Motavian Government employee—and Nei—a bio-engineered elven sex slave who escaped from the elven sex slave farm—being tasked by the Governor of the Motavian capital of Paseo to find out why the planet has been overrun with bio-monsters that are raping and killing everyone. The two realize that the bloody obvious first place to start searching for answers is the Biosystems Lab that is designed to spit out genetically modified abominations and set off on their journey.

Because an 80s RPG couldn't possibly make things that simple, the bridge leading to the Biosystems Lab is blocked by a douchebag named Darum whom, Rolf States, had attacked Nei seven months earlier. After taking a detour to the town of Arima, the party learns that scoundrels have attacked the village, killed the men, abducted the women as rape slaves and fled to their hideout in the Shure dungeon. After braving the Shure dungeon, you'll discover that the scoundrels have all been fucked to death by bio-monsters. You'll also find a note that reveals that Darum has taken to robbing people because his daughter, Teim, is being held for ransom by the scoundrels in Nido Tower.

Naturally, the next stop on this long, fetch-quest-filled journey is the long, long dungeon of Nido Tower – which will likely be where you ragequit due to the top floor of the tower containing Blasters, a hilariously overpowered bio-monster that can wipe out your entire party in 2-3 attacks. Chances are that these enemies weren't supposed to appear this early in the game, but it's not like anyone ever actually play-tested this shite. If you ever actually manage to finish the Nido Tower dungeon, you'll obtain Teim as an item will finally be able to go back to Darum and witness one of the greatest cut-scenes in RPG history as Darum mistakenly slices his own daughter in half with a sword and then kills himself by spontaneously blowing up.

Oputa to Roron[edit]

Typical video game logic.

After spending hours just to get across a fucking bridge, you'll finally have access to the town of Oputa and the Biosystems Lab. After trekking through the Biosystems Lab—which is significantly easier than that last goddamn dungeon that you were sent to—you'll eventually discover the Biosystems' data recorder. After returning to the Governor and having the data analyzed, you learn that energy meant for Climatrol—Motavia's weather control system—has been diverted to the Biosystems Lab, which has resulted in the lab spitting out mutated abominations. Obviously, your next target is Climatrol, but once again, this shitty game is going to give you the runaround by forcing you to find a fucking jet scooter.

You'll now be able to access the town of Zema where you'll learn that some of the native Motavian rat people have been seen with a jet scooter at Motavia's smelly garbage dump, a location known as Roron. On your way to Roron, you'll also come across the town of Kueri where you'll find a "scientist" who wants you to bring him Maruera leaves so he can make gum that will allow you to breath underwater. Eventually, you'll arrive at Roron – which is ironically one of the least frustrating and most well-designed dungeons in the entire game despite being a literal garbage dump.

In Roron, you'll encounter multiple Motavians wandering around and enjoying the smell of garbage. One of these Motavians will offer you free cake which, if you accept, will obviously cause your entire party to take damage and experience the shits for a week. At the end of the dungeon you'll encounter two Motavians who have made a jet scooter and intend to ride it over the ocean. Because of video game logic, as soon as you leave the dungeon after talking to these two, you'll find the jet scooter abandoned on the beach with a note from the Motavians declaring that any nigga is free to take their jet scooter because they'd rather be bathing in garbage – which is basically the Phantasy Star equivalent of abandoning your Prius because you'd rather hang out at a gay bar.

Uzo and Climatrol[edit]

NEI DIES

After essentially stealing the jet scooter from the mentally retarded yokels, you'll now be free to explore all of Motavia and access the final town of Piata. Unfortunately, you'll soon find that the entrance to Climatrol is underwater and you'll actually be needing to find some sweet kush for that batshit insane scientist that you met in Kueri. After several more hours of intense grinding to buy better equipment and get Shir to level 10 so she can steal the Visiphone—an item that conveniently lets you save your game anywhere—from the Governor, you'll finally be ready to head to Uzo Island where you'll be able to find some weed for Bill Nye the Pothead Guy.

Uzo Island is a dungeon that was designed for the sole purpose of trolling the fuck out of you. It is essentially a mountain with numerous magickal teleportation caves and seven different peaks – six of which will cockblock you with a fake Maruera Plant that doesn't actually do anything. Once you finally find the good shit, you can finally leave this hellscape and return to Kueri to get your James Bond gum so you can finally enter Climatrol and discover the source of these bloody annoying random encounters that you keep getting into every six steps.

Climatrol contains pretty much the exact same type of shit as the earlier dungeons. Once you get to the end, you'll encounter Neifirst—Nei's dark and edgy conjoined twin who split off and decided to flood the world with bio-monsters—and Nei will enter a one-on-one battle that she'll probably lose. Even if you wasted your time on leveling up Nei to the point that she can beat Neifirst, it doesn't actually matter – Nei still dies because the plot demands it and the party is warped back to Paseo as Climatrol blows the fuck up and begins flooding Motavia.

Those Dam Robots[edit]

Piano lessons.

With Nei dead and the entire planet quickly being flooded, Rolf and his team return to the Governator to report their success at eliminating the bio-monsters and saving Motavia. Unfortunately, the party is soon informed that the Government of planet Palma has branded them as terrorists and put out a warrant for their arrest on charges that they made the Mother Brain that controls Motavia go haywire and flooded the entire goddamn planet of Motavia. Naturally, in order to fix this silly misunderstanding, Rolf and friends set out to open the four dams and save Motavia from ending up like New Orleans under Dubya – because of course there's no possible way that they can fuck things up even more at this point.

Upon leaving, you'll soon discover that the bio-monsters are gone and the planet is now overrun with robots that have been sent by Motavia's security system to exterminate the terrorists. Before going to the dams, you'll also need to retrieve the access cards from the control tower and, of course, before you can get the access cards you'll also need to learn to play the goddamn piano for some reason. If you haven't gotten it already, you'll now need to return to Oputa and locate a faggot named Ustvestia who will teach you the Musik technique for a price – 5000 meseta for female party members or 2000 meseta and brutal anal rape for males. Once you have the Musik technique you can go to the Control Tower and retrieve the access cards that are needed to enter the dams.

The four dams—Red, Blue, Yellow and Green—can be completed in any order, and they're the exact same crap that you should be used to from this game by now. Once you've open the final dam, you'll be attacked by three Army Eyes that will eventually capture your entire party with bondage rays and whisk you off to the prison satellite Gaira to await execution.

Techniques[edit]

In the at least 100 years since the original Phantasy Star, magick has fallen out of favour and been replaced by "techniques" – which are literally just magick with a spiffy new name. For example, instead of casting the Fire spell, you will now be using the Foi technique to set shit on fire. In a fashion similar to the Shin Megami Tensei games and their obtuse spell naming conventions, some techniques have the prefixes Gi and Na that denote higher level versions and other techniques have a Sa prefix which denotes that it will target fucking everything. To make shit even more confusing, the game doesn't feature in-game descriptions of techniques and the majority of them have names that don't even make a bit of sense. As such, here is an extremely useful guide to all of the techniques in this shitty game.

Offensive Techniques[edit]

The Foi technique in action.
Foi, Gifoi and Nafoi are fire based techniques that hit a single enemy.
Zan, Gizan and Nazan are wind based techniques that hit a group of enemies.
Gra, Gigra and Nagra are gravity based techniques that hit all enemies.
Nigra is a technique that allows the closing of pools.
Tsu, Githu and Nathu are thunder based techniques that hit a single enemy.
Gaj, Gigaj and Nagaj cause damage to a single robot.
Eijia causes damage to a group of robots.
Sag, Gisag and Nasag cause damage to all robots.
Gen causes damage to a single organic creature.
Sagen causes damage to all organic creature.
Megid is the most powerful technique in the game but it murders your party members as well as the monsters.

Healing & Support Techniques[edit]

Good luck healing this shit, LOL.
Res, Gires and Nares heal a single party member.
Sar, Gisar and Larry Nassar heal all party members by gently raping them.
Anti cures the poison status from a single party member. Can't be used in battle.
Rever revives a dead party member or completely restores the HP of a not-quite-dead party member. Can't be used in battle.
Shu increases a party member's defense.
Sashu increases all party members' defense.
Deban increases the entire party's defense against special attacks.
Ner increases a party member's agility.
Saner increases all party members' agility.
Shift increases a party member's strength.

Status Ailment Techniques[edit]

A successful use of the Brose technique.
Doran can confuse a single organic creature.
Forsa can confuse a single robot.
Shiza can silence a single organic creature.
Conte can silence a single robot.
Rimit can paralyze a single organic creature.
Rimet can paralyze a single robot.
Vol is the obligatory instakill move that targets a single organic creature.
Savol is the obligatory instakill move that targets all organic creatures.
Brose is the obligatory instakill move that targets a single robot.
Shinb can cause a single organic creature to flee from battle. Almost never works.

Other Stupid Techniques[edit]

Sak causes the user to commit suicide to fully heal one ally. Stupid since it means losing your fucking healer.
Nasak causes the user to commit suicide to fully heal all allies. Slightly less stupid than Sak.
Hinas exits the current dungeon. Literally the same effect as an Escapipe.
Ryuka teleports you to the last town you saved in. Literally the same effect as a Telepipe.
Musik lets you play the piano. You'll need to pay a faggot to teach you this technique in order to continue the game because Sega loves forced grinding.

Playable Characters[edit]

She's like 3, you sick fuck.

Phantasy Star II features a party size of 4 and 8 playable characters, but only Rolf and Nei are actually given a bit of personality since the developers didn't know which of the other characters you'd have in your party and didn't bother to program in any dialogue for them aside from their introduction cutscenes. In order to get the full Phantasy Star II experience, Japanese players were actually given the option to download DLC in the form of numerous crappy text adventure games that fleshed out the characters' development and actually gave some much needed backstory. Unfortunately for western audiences, fuck you.

Every character except Rolf and Nei is obtained by returning to Rolf's home after reaching a specific village on Motavia. Literally all of them show up on your doorstep unannounced, give an introduction speech, allow you to rename them and then become available as party members. After this, they'll never speak again aside from each getting a single line in the ending.

ROLF[edit]

PS2 Rolf Sprite.gif
Rolf (named Eusis in Japan) is a descendant of Alis from the first game and his destiny is destroy the Dark Force or some shit. He's just a typical blue-haired anime protagonist and he stole the role of protagonist from a woman, which makes him even worse. He learns both offensive and healing techniques and is the only character that can learn Megid.


NEI[edit]

PS2 Nei Sprite.gif
Nei is a 3-year-old test tube baby who was designed by the Motavian Government to cater to the sexual needs of elf fetishists. She levels twice as fast as everyone else, but still dies a third of the way into the game just to make you feel bad. She only learns a few healing techniques, including ones that let her kill herself to heal other party members.


RUDO[edit]

PS2 Rudo Sprite.gif
Rudolph Steiner (named Rudger Steiner in Japan) is Arnold Schwarzenigger with a big fucking gun. He'll become available after visiting Arima. The text adventure games reveal that he craves vengeance because a mole murdered his wife and son... srsly. He is the only character in the game that doesn't learn any techniques and his maximum TP will remain at 0 throughout the entire game.


AMY[edit]

PS2 Amy Sprite.gif
Amy Sage (named Anne Saga in Japan) is a Doctor and serves as your typical healer class character. She'll become available if you survive Nido Tower and manage to reach Oputa. She learns an assortment of healing, offensive and support techniques.


HUGH[edit]

PS2 Hugh Sprite.gif
Hugh Thompson (named Huey Reane in Japan) is a faggy biologist who likes tending to his faggy garden when he isn't using magic to kill shit. He'll become available after you finish the Biosystems Lab.


SAMUS ARAN[edit]

PS2 Anna Sprite.gif
Anna Zirski (named Amia Amirski in Japan) is a blonde, space bounty hunter who uses boomerangs as her primary weapon because she's also a gun control advocate. She'll become available after visiting Zema. She learns several unique support techniques as well as several offensive techniques.


KAIN[edit]

PS2 Kain Sprite.gif
Josh Kain (named Kinds Ji An in Japan) is a mechanic who sucks at his job, as such, his abilities allow him to break robots to pieces but he's fucking useless at everything else. He'll become available after visiting Kueri.


HAPPY MERCHANT[edit]

PS2 Shir Sprite.gif
Shir Gold (named Shilka Levinia in Japan) is a thief who likes to steal shit and run away whenever your party enters a store – so get used to flying back to your home planet to retrieve her after after she steals shit from the space Eskimos. Still the best waifu in the game since she eventually steals an item that lets you save your game at any time. She'll become available after visiting Piata. The text adventure games reveal that she's actually a spoiled rich girl who just steals shit for the lulz.

The Bosses[edit]

Blaster[edit]

Blaster.gif

Blasters are not actually a boss, but an overpowered-as-fuck enemy that can be randomly encountered on the last floor of the game's second dungeon. Blasters appear to be escaped testicles that are highly enraged and in search of a new host. Encountering these is where most players ragequit since, if they kill you, the game will force you to reload a save and lose at least half an hour of progress.

Neifirst[edit]

Neifirst.gif

Neifirst is Nei's darker and edgier twin who's unleashed bio monsters on Motavia because she's angry that she wasn't aborted.

Army Eye[edit]

Armyeye.gif

Army Eyes are robots that come to arrest your party after you open the four dams and are branded as terrorists by Skynet. You can't beat them and they'll always capture you after several futile rounds of combat.

Dark Force[edit]

Darkforce.gif

Dark Force is Darkfalz from the first game and shows up in outer space because why the fuck not? He literally comes out of a random box for no reason and isn't relevant to the game's plot in any way aside from his appearances in Rolf's occasional PTSD flashbacks of the first game.

Mother Brain[edit]

MotherbrainPS2.gif

Mother Brain is the physical embodiment of Kurt Eichenwald's seizures and the game's final boss. She's actually easier than Dark Force.


Why Phantasy Star II is Objectively Shit[edit]

Phantasy Star Phantasy Star II

Do Spell Names Make Sense?

Yes

Spell names do not make sense and are retarded.

Number of Planets

3

2

Number of Drivable Vehicles

3

1

Can You Talk to Monsters?

Yes

No

Protagonist

A strong female protagonist who wasn't shoehorned in.

A generic blue-haired anime faggot.

Uses Junk Food as Healing Items?

Yes

No

Dungeon Design

Features 3D first-person dungeons.

Features 2D dungeons designed by complete fucking retards.

Battle Backgrounds

Features detailed battle backgrounds.

All battles take place in the goddamn matrix.

Dumb Plot Twists

Reveals that Alis is the heir to the Algol star system's throne in the literal last minute of the game.

Kills off your 3-year-old elf waifu just to make you cry. Blows up planet Palma for literally no reason. Reveals that Earthmen were behind everything in the literal last minute of the game.

Features Marijuana?

No

FEATURES MARIJUANA THAT LETS YOU BREATH UNDERWATER!!111

Number of Battle Themes

3

2

Number of Bosses

8

3

Has DLC?

No

Yes (Japan Only)

A Detailed Analysis of the Stupid Western Cover Art[edit]

PS2WesternCoverArt.png
  1. Rolf looks like Thomas Jefferson with blue hair.
  2. Nei looks like Morticia Addams with horns.
  3. Rolf is holding a gun despite the fact that he is only able to equip two different guns and primarily uses swords.
  4. The background landscape is a desert despite Motavia being green as fuck in this game.
  5. The fugly creature in the front doesn't remotely resemble anything in the game.
  6. Mother Brain is a literal fucking brain.

Videos[edit]


Beating the game in 3 minutes because it's buggy as shit.

Quality translation.

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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