Pizza and Beer
The dynamic duo, the misfits of mayhem, the Lewis and Clark of Saturday afternoons. Pizza and beer are two entirely separate items that are entirely inseparable. They are also perhaps America's only redeeming factors.
A Brief History Of Pizza
Pizza was invented by a woman named Kearstin (her last name was never recorded. Kearstin was approximately 13 years old when she discovered how to create "pizza". Everyone was reluctant to try it at first but finally, Kearstin convinced her older brother to try it. Muhamid LOVED the taste of pizza and insisted on every on in town to try it. Eventually all the townfolk had a taste of this delicious food called "pizza" and Kearstin became a celebrity over night. Everyone was demanding this pizza and Kearstin charged Two-cents per slice (remember this was 1927). She eventually opened up a pizza stand and worked six hours a day. When Kearstin became old and gray, her grandson Chris P. Bacon, decided to open a restaurant that served ONLY pizza. And that my friend is how Pizza hut was created. So now every time you go to Pizza Hut, and bite into that slice of delicious pizza you can think of Kearstin. It's just a damn shame that Pizza Hut now serves pasta, cookies, deserts and hot wings now. She died in vain.
A Brief History Of Beer
Beer dates back to Biblical times, and Noah was the first recorded alcoholic. Beyond that nobody really cares where it came from because it's just so damn good. Beer is a scientifically proved prophylactic, and helps socializing by making everybody as dumb as each other. Christian monks were, at one point, so good at brewing beer that they built castles out of it, much like bees do with honey.
The art form of beer is now mostly degraded, and the level of brewing expertise in a nation is directly proportional to their proximity to Belgium (Feel free to assume that every Belgian person knows how to brew beer) - a nation so advanced in beerology that rumors have it they once brewed a beer out of nails and scorpions. (This is now sold in New Zealand under the moniker "Lion Red".)
Proper Pizza Etiquette
We know you probably like ordering yours with cum splattered under the cheese and baked, but before you order for others - make sure they're into that kind of pizza faggotry.
Good safe orders, if you're the loser gent that has no stash and has to get the munchies. Shouldn't make fun of that. That's a scholar and a gentelman who doesn't have dope of their own but brings food. America voted Bill Clinton into office based on that fact.
The safest pizza orders are always plain, extra cheese and pepperoni. If you're ordering pizza with pinapples and cilantro on it you better be in a bath house or expect to get an ass beating.
New York Style and Cleveland, a thicker crust version of New York, are tge only acceptable styles. Again, if you're ordering deep dish, don't be surprised that you're getting your ass kicked.
Always remember KISS Keep it simple stupid, not the shitty band. There's a reason plain, extra cheese and pepperoni are called the classics.
- Sunblush tomato sause
- Smoked salmon
- Venison medallions
- Cognac-marinated lobster
- Champagne-soaked caviar
- 24-karat gold
- Price: $2,800
Uses Of Pizza And Beer
- Chick magnet.
- Unclogs your poophole.
As A Drama-Generating Technique
- Drink beer and then drunk dial/drunk post
- Post pictures of pizza in vegan communities
- Post pictures of pepperoni pizza in Jewish communities
- Make pizza oven related jokes in Jewish communities
- Make jokes about how pizza can feed a family of four in black communities
- #PizzaGate, your pizza has been controlled by the illuminati the entire time!
- Loli Haet Pizza
- The Domino's YouTube Incident
- Bacon and eggs
- Hookers and blow
- Operation Pizzasplat
- Bitches and whores
- Gimme Pizza
- EverQuest II
| Pizza and Beer
is part of a series on
Food and Drink
[Om Nom Nom]
|Featured article June 15, 2006|
| Preceded by
|Pizza and Beer|| Succeeded by|