Planking

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Shocked onlookers gaze at the body of Acton, seconds after he fell

Planking is the latest new brand of faggotry to float to the surface of the slick of unprocessed sewage which is social media on the Internet, which involves nothing more interesting or creative than having a person lay down in, on, around, on top of, below or generally in the vicinity of, anything at all, taking a picture of the laid out person and then posting the picture to as many lame social networking sites as you have accounts for. It is currently being popularised in the Old Media due to the accidental death of a man in Australia, Acton Beale, who, after huffing several gallons of gasoline and becoming a little tired, decided to take a quick nap on the railing of his apartment balcony. Unfortunately for him, he started dreaming he could fly and promptly fell off, ending his life somewhat prematurely seven floors later.

History[edit]

The meme was started in about 1066 when a couple of Frenchfags created "A plat ventre", in which they thought it would be "artistic" to have people pose in positions on the ground as if they had fallen to their deaths. Oh the irony! This was then picked up on a relatively small scale by Cockblock users, among others, but failed to take off in any big way. This is typical, and to be expected of any venture attempted by anyone French, anywhere in the world, at all, ever.

Several hundred thousand years later, in 2006, it was developed into what is essentially it's present form by two Britfags, who decided to steal it primarily to annoy the original creators, for the only reason that they are French. This in no way indicates Britain's superiority over the French, instead, it merely shows both races up as being idiots for managing to sustain the longest running historical enmity in the whole of Europe. Said Britfags created "The Lying Down Game", where, instead of the participants assuming a "death pose", they are now encouraged to lay as straight and as flat as possible on a variety of unusual objects or in unusual situations. They started out this time on Shitbook, and instead of dying quietly in the night as it should have done, it managed to go viral, at the same time exposing just how fundamentally flawed modern society is, by showing the levels people are now willing to descend to in order to enrich their vacant and insipid lives. The Faecesbook group spawned the website [1], and the rest is history...

Acton Beale[edit]

And so it happened, that, on or about sometime in the early morning of May 15, 2011, approximately, a young feller-me-lad going by the name of "Acton Beale", being in the fucking wasted state that all Australians are at that time, tried to go to sleep on a metal railing two inches wide. Unhappily, due to his extreme inebriation, he managed to forget he was some 100ft up, despite having crawled up several flights of stairs to get home, and to his friend's extreme surprise fell seven floors in a downward direction, until he hit the ground at the bottom of the apartment block. He did not survive the fall, and is not recorded as having left any last words or requests - it is certainly possible that he would have liked to have done something of that nature, however, as he was not very telepathic, there was, in the end, no way of finding out for sure.

After his mortal remains were scraped up from the tarmac, the usual divisive controversy arose - people on one side hailed him as a national hero, to be martyred and praised for ever and ever as a saint of extreme sports, while others, more accurately, dismissed him as just another craze following hipster type who well deserved to die for his stupidity. And, as is also to be expected, the death of young Mr Beale has only served to increase the popularity of the game, and we can only hope that the collective gene pool of humanity will be improved by further deaths, hopefully in the lulziest ways possible.


 
 
Everybody likes a bit of fun, but focus has to be on keeping yourself safe first.
 

 

—Julia Gillard, King of Austria, outlining his reaction to the planking death, as well as Austria's position on Internet censorship


 
 
Think of what could happen if it went wrong
 

 

—A random Facebook user, after the event, illustrating the general intelligence level of regular users


 
 
Planking could be dangerous, and practitioners may find themselves charged with "unauthorised high risk activity"
 

 

—Sergeant Matthew Russell, of Gladstone police, Queensland, making up laws as he goes along

The Aftermath[edit]

The guy died. Funeral will be held soon. People will cry. Memorial pages will be set up for trolls to deface and vandalise, after which the pages will be taken down. Already happened within 24hrs of his death. Later, others will attempt to commemorate him by doing even more extreme planking. More deaths will occur. And so the cycle continues...

Simon Hallam[edit]

Undeterred by Mr Beale, Simon Hallam, another Australian intellectual, tried to "plank" on the boot of a speeding car. Due to Facebook and the Internet, he failed and went into a coma.

 
 
The Internet and Facebook, they're just dreadful things... They encourage this sort of behaviour among the young ones
 

 

—Simon's father on personal responsibility.

 
 
You do these things to be noticed, to get attention, he added. Well, look at the attention Simon's getting now from the doctors and the nurses and he doesn't even know about it.
 

 

—Father derives a moral about attention whores

 
 
It's what we've been fearing
 

 

—Queensland Police Deputy Commissioner Ross Barnett on how this is the inevitable result of letting kids with single-digit IQs integrate in society.

 
 
Facebook group Planking Australia, which had 8,700 followers before Beale's death, now has 150, 000.
 

 

—New methods of suicide are popular with Australians

Gallery[edit]



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