Plants vs. Zombies

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The idea of Plants vs. Zombies came into existence when one night, a super virgin named George Fan got stoned the fuck out in the basement of his 78 year old mother. He passed out onto the floor and lied there for hours. When he woke up the next morning, he saw the leftover stash of weed sitting in the corner of the room, and his immediate first words were "What if that weed came to life and started fighting zombies, yo?". He left the house of his slowly dying mother and picked up some homeless guys off of the street and convinced them to come over to his house. When his mother questioned him on why he brought like 10 random ass hobos to his house, he simply said "Just visitors". Together under the codename PoopCrap, they worked on the ultimate new game that would change the world 4 evar. Next Thursday, PvZ was born, as well as a bunch of other no-name titles that nobody ever gave a fuck about (We're looking at you, Peggle).

PvZ 1: The Game That Started It All[edit]

The original Plants vs. Zombies released May 5th, 2009. It was an instant hit due to its mix of cute and fugly ass characters, high replayability, chill ass soundtrack, and some other stuff. These are some of the factors that attracted an audience of mainly 12 year old boys, 13 year old girls, and horny neckbearded dendrophiles (which the creators of the game were). The game made loadz of monies and kids demanded over 9000 toys of their precious Peashooters and Football Zombies (which eventually did happen as with all popular vidya gamez). The game gained some infamy as well for some achievements being unfair as shit (such as "Win 15 Games of Vasebreaker in a Row", a.k.a deal with horrible RNG until the stars allign), thus making it really difficult for no lifed tryhards to 100% beat. Also the game was ported like a million times onto every game system you could think of. It was probably ported to those shitty ass Tiger Electronic thing-a-ma-jigs, who knows.


The game's plot goes like this: You are the main character. You are living an everyday normal life with the wife you wish you had IRL and your 3 kids. Everything was perfect. One day you randomly get a strange poorly written "threat" from the Zombies, stating that they would steal all of your expensive belongings, rat out your best friend's secret drug factory to the cops, and give your whole family Zombie AIDS. Thank god you took that letter seriously. You didn't even need to call up your friend to tell him that some stupid motherfuckers were planning to expose his coke stash, because he randomly appears out of nowhere and gives you steroid infused plant seeds to fight the zombies with. His name's Crazy Dave, he wears a fucking pot on his head, and he cannot even speak intelligible English, the game somehow translates everything he says so players could understand him. However, you don't need no subtitles because you speak the same gibberish fucktarded "language" that this guy does. After beating like 100 million Zambies and trying to keep them from raping your wife and kids, you approach the final showdown against Dr. Zomboss, the one who started all this shit. He's in a badass mech suit because he's too fuckin' scrawny to fight you fist-to-fist, cheater. Somehow the battle takes place on your rooftop, which is apparently invincible as it can fit a huge fucking robot and a lots of plant pots (hey that rhymes) without being instantly demolished. Plot armor at it's finest, folks. Anyways you kick his ass and everything goes back to normal. Right?


PvZ won a shit ton of GOTY awards from manchildren who successfully fapped their micro wieners to Sunflower's massive petals. Eventually in Summer 2010, the game was released to Steam with Game of the Year added to its name to brag about how fucking awesome and successful it was. This edition included a Sunflower figurine for plantophiles to ram up their poophole, moar achievements to make grinding for 100% completion even harder than before, and a generic ass disco zombie identical to Disco Stu, to replace the Michael Jackson lookalike zombie due to his death. At least Disco Zombie didn't rape young kids.

Popcap Sells Their Souls to Satan[edit]

One night, more than 2 years after the release of the ever-so successful Potheads vs. Zambeez, George Fanny was in the basement as usual having one of his hardest weed trips ever. He thought he was seeing some crazy shit when out of nowhere, the devil flew in through an open window. He ordered George and his pack of hobo slaves to take a shower and give him their souls, or else he would tarnish the good name of PvZ. George had a hard time believing that what he was seeing was in fact the actual fucking devil, until Satan grabbed him by his ant sized dick with a pair of tweezers and ripped it clean off. George, in srsly big pain and mourning the loss of what he thought would get him real pussy, reluctantly signed his contract and lent his company to him.

George made a gargantuan fucking mistake, because not only did the devil break his own rule of not ruining the Plants vs. Zombies namesake and turning it into a mindless cash cow, but he also robbed George of his virginity through deeply penetrating his farthole and forcing him to like it until he turned gay (Keep in mind that George was extremely homophobic, secretly hiding anti-fag propoganda in his company's games).

Oh, and the devil's name was EA.


Plants vs. Zombies 2: It's About Microtransactions[edit]

Plants vs. Zombies 2 is one of the many examples on how EA can take a successful popular franchise and completely fuck it up. Released Steptember 2013 on Iphone and Android only, the game was free unlike its predecessor (which eventually became free as well because fuck it). Despite expectations of being one of your everyday low quality F2P games, PvZ 2 wasn't that bad with forced microtransactions actually. Don't let that fool you however, that changed pretty quickly. It was an average EA ploy, attracting sales until they inevitably screwed it up with their greed.


EA had successfully assassinated PvZ 2 in an update that came a couple months later. It made gems (a.k.a the trademark F2P game premium currency) excruciatingly hard to get as they were now given in really low quantitties, and made the Premium Plants that you could not earn regularly in the game cost reel moniez instead of gems (Prices usually range from $5-$8, translates to $17-$28 in EA shekels). Some of these so called "premium plants" were in fact complete downgrades of plants that you could already earn through progress in the game (eg. Chomper, who costs $6.99, is in fact a complete fucking downgrade of Toadstool who doesn't need to be paid for. An example of how EA really dropped the ball here). This update also edited existing levels to have stupidly random difficulty spikes and enemy spam, which required you to spend hundreds of dollars on powerups and some OP premium plants just to get by. The game's difficulty spikes shortly after beating the first world (which is a pretty short world, so you really don't get to play much before falling into EA's trap). Tl;dr it was basically the 9/11 of PvZ 2, and completely destroyed something that was once innocent. Typical EA bullshit. If you still have the original version of the game where this crap didn't exist, congratulations. Enjoy an admittedly decent game without any microtransactions being forced down your throat.

See Also[edit]

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