Pop music

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Pop music was dead before Justin Bieber came along; he just raped and threw up in the mouth of its corpse.

Pop music, short for Pisses On People Music, is the worst music ever created. While contemporary, it, without fail, entertains the retards of its accompanying generation while being relentlessly ridiculed by every past and future generation. Pop music, by definition, is music that will not stand the test of time and it's made for people with small minds who will listen to whatever they're told to by the radio, which endlessly loops that shit in an attempt to make it seem cool and popular.

Origins[edit]

Ke$ha aka the filthy tramp responsible for the glorification of attention whores.

Pop music's origins stem from the invention of music. Though some say that pop music began with The Beatles and the resulting Beatlemania, that's complete bullshit. In actuality, Beatlemania was a rip-off of a far larger pop music craze from at least 100 years prior; Mozartmania, which those insignificant faggots from teh UK stole the name of and tried to ride to popularity. However, seeing as their competition was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the greatest rock star of all time, it was inevitable that Paul McCarthy, John Feminine and the other two's endeavor resulted in epic 1337 fail. The only consolation for them is that, by not having the balls to pull that shit while the father of Rock 'n' Roll was still alive, they avoided what would have been a certain loss of their balls for their attempt and secured their place in music history outside of pop music, which does not allow the existence of balls and only has room for the likes of chastity-obsessed faggots and crazy attention whores who try too hard.

As a sign of thanks to the invention of music, pop music paid it forward by originating a generation of miserable basement dwellers who spend their days listening to thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and epic fail. So now, we all are suffering, but for sparking the existential question of whether people listen to pop music because they're miserable or if they're miserable for listening to pop music and for instilling the possible hope that at least some of this generation will permaban themselves, an acceptable karmic balance was reached.

A recent worldwide tendency typical for pop-fags is posting all crappy pop found on YouTube to a private channel like this (NSFW! Danger to brain), with consequent spamming links to it everywhere. This is supposed to bring them oodles of lulz, as long as ED-less metal fans have no idea that they're being eaten.

Production[edit]

Pop music is created when a record label finds a band who is musically talented and decides to endorse their music. Said band of retards usually miss out on years of school and grow up to be ignorant fucking aspies who are expected to write songs with messages and meaning about subjects that they have absolutely no concept of. No wonder so many songs are about black culture, women and the equivalent of crying into a microphone with a church choir in the background. No matter how shitty the music is, though, the record labels tell the band that what they are writing is good, and the music is eventually handed to the radio stations where, within a matter of weeks, every person of impressionable age thinks it's the fucking shit.

Considering the production process, it's no surprise that all pop music is complete shit. If it's listened to ten years later, it's still shit, but if it's listened to 100 years later, it's OK...possibly.

Lyrics[edit]

Due to record companies judging musical talent on a scale favoring good looks and retardation, most pop musicians are incapable of writing anything that remotely resembles the music they are known for. The industry, in a desperate effort to look competent, hires people who are unattractive and not retarded, but can write songs. While this seems like a good idea, the surprisingly literate professionals the record companies hire usually get a sense of self entitlement and lulz which, in turn, makes them want to write shitty music and fuck over the famous retards. The only downside of such epic trolling is that virtually every top 40 song will undoubtedly revolve around getting wasted, being a giant skankasaurous and will consist of an endless stream of sexual innuendos and senseless metaphors that the artists will vehemently defend as being "so deep". After all, if they wrote it, they know what it means and we should trust that they have their heads on straight.

   
 
Come on, rude boy, can you get it up?
 

 
 

—Rhianna, on erectile disfunction.

   
 
We can blast off into NASA
 

 
 

Kanye, demonstrating his complete lack of knowledge on how space works

   
 
I'm so 2008, you're so 2000 and late
 

 
 

—Fergie, pwning the haters on the most popular track of 2009

   
 
She wet that's a carpool
 

 
 

—Weezy, apparently describing a vagina the size of a minivan

   
 
I'm gonna be naked and you're wasted
 

 
 

—Ke$ha, about to rape another victim

   
 
Shush girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips
 

 
 

—30H!3, trolling blondes everywhere into believing that HK actually talked with her hips

   
 
Sun kissed skin so hot will melt your Popsicle
 

 
 

—Katy Perry on California, the land of melting dicks

   
 
...squeeze her buns
 

 
 

Snoop needs a bigger vocabulary

   
 
Not only you and me, got 180 degrees and I'm caught in between
 

 
 

—Britney Spears, getting Eiffel Towered

   
 
I just want to put it in your butt
 

 
 

—subliminal message found in all of Ludacris' songs

   
 
I wanna be a billionaire, so fucking bad
 

 
 

most likely written by a Michael Jackson wannabe

   
 
Zip your lips like a padlock
 

 
 

—Ke$ha, showing use of a stunning metaphor

   
 
SHOTS.SHOTS.SHOTS.SHOTS.SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. SHOTS
 

 
 

—Did someone say heroin?

   
 
But you promised her; Next time you'll show restraint
 

 
 

—Hilarious, considering Rihanna was featured in Eminem's song


If a pop artist runs out of deep lyrics for a song, the remaining 2 minutes will consist of the following:

  1. A stream of LAs and NAs until the fade-out
  2. Repetition of the chorus
  3. Beatboxing
  4. Playing the same shitty dance beat OVAR 9000 times
  5. A guest artist raping badly
  6.  ????????
  7. PROFIT!!!

Types of Pop Music[edit]

  • Boybands - Don't lie; you all listen to this and all know the names of the members of Color Me Badd. Presumed to be dead and buried in 2003 after the Backstreet Boys and Westlife came out, it left the US and now infects other countries, like Asia and Mexico (No Mercy, anyone?). Music like this is what your sisters listen to as they shlick to Nick Carter.
  • (C)rap - Every person who has ever written, listened to, enjoyed, or tried to associate with this complete lack of music is more fucked up in the head than Gothzilla. In fact, most people don't even like rap, yet they still think the people who write it are pretty cool guys that they attempt to emulate. This is particularly insane, considering that most rap artists are attention whores who grew up on welfare and think they're better than everyone who was born rich, effectively rendering anyone who tries to imitate them as full of themselves, wannabe tough and rather funny looking. 'Rap' songs nowadays consist of 80% crunk, 15% YOOOOOOOUUU, 5% choral singing and 0% rapping. It is a known fact that Whitey can't rap, but all black people can. Rap was also responsible for the creation of Rap Metal, a troll genre that is the unholy spawn of cock rock and rap crap.
  • Pseudo-Rock - Copypasta lyrics about the good old days and pounding beer, backed by anything off of the blues scale and an obnoxious gruff voice that tries to imitate Layne Staley or Kurt Cobain. All of these things make pseudo-rock one of the least tolerable forms of pop music.
  • Pseudo-Country - Pseudo-country is notably different from the already terrible country genre in that it has found a place on the radio. Like every other genre, except rap, the musicians love the creators of the genre, yet despite their rabid fanboyism, they always do it wrong. However, country and rap fans are similar regarding their IQs and musical tastes, which make them both the most retarded fans of all. Ironically, all country lovers are former or current lynchers who would do anything in their power to rid the world of niggers, while all rap fans demonize and threaten Whitey. So much for uniting in retardation, eh?
  • Crunkcore - At some point in every hip hop star's career, they get a dangerous feeling that they are capable of writing good music themselves. The record company executives warn them not to say such ridiculous things, but they are idiots, therefore, such reasoning is completely beyond them. To nobody's surprise, the music they create turns out to be complete and utter shit and is labeled under the genre "crunkcore" where only the most inbred of rap listeners find it of interest.
  • "Indie" Alt-Alternative - Of all the modern genres, Indie represents the polar opposite of Electronica in that the musicians have a vague idea of how to play an instrument, yet lack an iota of understanding of how utterly shitty it sounds when they play. They are of the impression that having a lead singer stutter worse than that singer from Pearl Jam and playing muddy guitar makes them sound like the bees knees. Most Indie music tries to sound cheerful, but actually sounds like the artists snorted several lines of Xanax before picking up their instruments and comes off completely void of mood or tone. This causes much confusion, even among its hipster fanbase, as to what the fuck is being sung or even what the tone of the song is supposed to be.
Some faggot whose fame has brought him diamond tooth decay.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous[edit]

Pop stars are known mainly for their awe-inspiring abilities to use drugs, spend money frivolously and get pregnant on command. As the average life span of a pop star is only 9.6 years after they reach stardom, they spend most of their soon to be over lives acting superior to everyone else, hiding the fact that they lip-sync at their live shows and pretending to give two shits about charities and fund raisers.

Every fan of any band or musician ever should realize, before bitching like a hippie, that if you have ever heard of a band, they are sell outs. Every retard who thinks they can play the guitar, drums, or sing only does so for a handful of reasons: so they can get a record deal, get paid stupid sums of cash, eat cheese and crackers off of any vagina that comes to see them live and write music with no regard to quality (after all, there's no quality clause in their contract).

Videos[edit]

May God have mercy on your soon to be raped soul...
<center>Pop Music, In A Nutshell</center>
<center>The truth of pop music.</center>
<center>What happens when niggers, fags, tights and Rhianna collide.</center>
<center>Most genres of pop music can be boiled down to this one video.</center>

See Also[edit]


Portal music.png

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Featured article January 10, 2011
Preceded by
The Batman Rapist
Pop music Succeeded by
Pool's Closed
for beached whale removal