|WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR POPPY, FGT?|
Every year in Britfagistan, a very special event takes place. The ugly and snaggle-toothed inhabitants of those wretched isles declare war on each other, supposedly to commemorate complete strangers who died over 100 years ago in a war that no-one understood when it started and which hasn't got any clearer since then. Ironically, what they are fighting over was once the symbol of peace.
The casus belli? The Remembrance Poppy - A worthless little red artificial flower, made by cripples, and handed out by volunteers in return for donations of spare change, which is only properly worn on one day of the year: November 11th, otherwise known as Armistice Day.
Sorry, I mean Poppy Day.
No, really. These days, for some reason, everyone is soppy and sentimental about men in uniform, particularly dead ones (who conveniently aren't around to tell them to grow up and worry about more important things, like freedom, democracy, and Justin Beiber.) So everyone in Britain thinks their Poppy is a statement. And most of the people who don't wear The Poppy also think they are making a statement. For this reason, what was once a solemn little lapel-pinned symbol can nowadays be found in versions that could cover a radio telescope dish.
Because most people have more money than taste, this can lead to some surprising decisions about the best way in which to honor the dead and support living veterans. The only Photoshopped image on this entire page is of the MP who photoshopped The Poppy onto his Twitter profile, and was mocked in a series of Photoshops that were only marginally less ridiculous than the original. Although he was outranked as a disrespectful cheapskate by the goddamn Prime Minister himself, who resigned seven months later. Coincidence? I think not. (Archived )
In between the two extremes are people who make a big fuss about wearing white Poppies (explained below), but who are very seldom seen wearing the things because they would probably get lynched by the outraged public. Big companies and organisations are shit-scared that they will be accused of insufficient patriotism by the ever-watchful public, so you tend to get giant versions of The Poppy towering over you in your local mall and staring down at you from the sides of public transport. It goes without saying that there is no escape from Godawful po-faced Poppy-fancying fanart on the internet.
Peace Is Hell
Ever year, there is a competition to see who can be the most pompous asshat about what The Poppy means and signifies to them. And every year, there is a big row about someone who isn't taking it seriously enough, or has otherwise desecrated the memories of people that no-one cares about any more.
There is also a sort of traditional meta-row about people who are being cheapskates by shooping The Poppy onto their Facebook pages and things like that. Politicians are especially vulnerable to this charge, for obvious reasons, and not a year goes by without some taxpayer-funded attention whore getting denounced in the press.
It's similar to how Christmas sparks fierce neighborhood rivalries between stupid families competing to see who can bedeck their house with the most outrageous display of hand-knitted elves, inflatable Santas and blinking LED snowflakes. Such competition then proceeds to drag in local vegans and treehuggers who bitch and moan about carbon emissions from all the electricity over-consumption. Before long, PETA is elbowing its way into the limelight, trying to sell mittens for turkeys and claiming Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a political prisoner.
You'll have noticed that Christians didn't warrant a mention in the annual commotion described above. And in the same way, the war dead are completely irrelevant to Poppy Day. The last WWI vet died in 2009 and now people can be as ridiculous about it as they want since no-one's going to tell them to stop.
Since rivalry and oneupmanship are the name(s) of the game, this ridiculous frenzy of fingerpointing and squabbling tends to drag in anything that involves any degree of competitiveness at all. Since football is the national religion of the stupid, football teams tend to make the headlines every year by displaying The Poppy in some way, which brings a lump to the throats of their flag-waving fans and makes everyone else go "tut!" about a symbol of bloodshed being devalued by sportsmen. And sometimes the reverse is true, with football teams being B& from wearing The Poppy, which makes football fans yell and beat their chests and secretly pleases everyone else.
One of the joys of celebrating 200 years since the birth of The Poppy is the game of "Remembrance Bingo", which is traditionally played on Twitter on November 11th each year. This is thanks to the surprising number of people who have sort of remembered the fact that the occasion has something to do with repetitions of the number eleven, but have never bothered to check what they are on about.
The result is that they chatter all the way through the two-minute silence at 11am, and then lecture everyone else about the importance of being quiet at 11 minutes past 11am, by which time the whole thing is over. This is strongly correlated with other misunderstandings, for example the inability to spell "Remembrance." You score the basic 10 points for spotting one of these self-important mouth-breathers. Other possible scorings are suggested in the gallery below.
The First World War was the prequel to the box-office hit “World War Two”, which revamped many of its predecessor's themes (evil Germans, plucky Brits, poison gas, America turning up several years late, etc). It was billed as “The War To End All Wars.” You may be surprised to learn that it did not in fact end any war at all.
When the fighting was over and the last wisps of chemical weaponry faded from the churned-up mess formerly known as France, bright red poppies were seen in bloom across the silent battlefields. This may not actually be true, because the war ended in November which isn't what you might call “Spring,” but anyways that's the legend. In honor of the 20,000,000 men who died in order to settle a squabble between a few European emperors, The Poppy is sold in October and November, as the nation counts down to the big day, 11/11.
As of 2018, the national mood is particularly tetchy because of Brexit, since Brexiters think the EU is a German plot to introduce the Fourth Reich and Remainers think the EU is a French plot to prevent them having to surrender again by making sure there isn't another war. Oh yeah, and it's the 100th anniversary of the IRL end of WWI.
And the white poppies that no-one ever wears? They are supposed to commemorate the men who knew this was all a crock of shit in 1914 and refused to take part in the war. Most of them were court-martialed and shot for cowardice, along with soldiers who were suffering from shell-shock and were thought to be faking illness out of cowardice and laziness.
- Britain (Great)
- English Defence League
- Germany (Imperial) - AKA the Second Reich
- Griffin, Nick - IRL Poppy Fascist
- Oldmeme - The Poppy is possibly the oldest meme of all
- Royal Family
- Wilson, Woodrow
- Zyklon B
- - your one-stop shop for giant Poppy sightings
- Explore #RemembranceDay - your one-stop shop for amazingly rubbish Poppy sightings
- Uppity Jewess gets 100% REKT when she tries to poppy-shame an actual WWII veteran (Archived: )
- Crazy cat-ladies knit 3,000 Poppies (to wrap round local trees, of course) - to commemorate the men and women who died in WWI (Archived: )
- Not to be outdone, crazy cat-ladies of Scotland wrap local church in 6,000 knitted Poppies (Archived: )
- "Whoever put these Poppies in the litter bin should hang their heads in shame!" - what this local news story doesn't spell out is that the wreaths had been left on a war memorial for 11 months and threatened to get in the way of the new wreaths arriving the next month (Archived: )
- Police called in after supermarket inundated with hate mail for suspending Poppy-wearing employee Mind you, he was wearing it in May, to commemorate Lee Rigby (Archived: )
- "The Poppy has become a symbol of racism. Down with it, down, I say!" (Archived: )
- "The Poppy is meaningless - time to abolish it" - this sort of clickbait controversy is a British journalistic tradition (Archived: )
- The filthy commie BBC promotes WHITE Poppies! (Archived: )
- Purple Poppies on the other hand, commemorate animal victims of war, so those are OK (Archived: )
- Abusing TV news anchors who don't wear The Poppy onscreen is another yearly tradition (Archived: )
- "Is Remembrance Day being undermined by Poppy Fascism?" (Archived: )
| Poppy Fascism
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