Portal of Evil
Portal of Evil (or PoE for short) was a website that was popular back in the halcyon days of Web 1.0. It is primarily a portal to bizarre, disgusting and just plain wrong websites throughout the internets, which range from the hilarious (teenage goths, stupid angry conservatives, UFO nuts) to horrifying and disgusting (furries, people who obsess over life-sized dolls, erotic fanfic) to the hilariously horrifying and disgusting (Jennifer Diane Reitz). It's basically a dead zone now, with only a few lonely tools clinging to it.
POE has a rigorous "Prime Directive" that forbids people from interfering with the sites on display or interacting with the site owners unless of course they come to POE to complain. This rule is cheerfully ignored by everyone in the interests of drama.
- 1 Editors
- 2 PoE posters
- 3 POE-News
- 4 Fursecution
- 5 poeTV
- 6 poeTV Etiquette - Hopper Swiping, Duplicates, 1-Star Ratings and General Faggotry
- 7 A Fag Has A Spaz Over His Private ED Livejournal Being Ruined
- 8 PoE posters
The site is maintained and co-owned by incoherent eastern European lardbucket Chet who also runs oldmanmurray (a
popular video games site that is no longer updated) and makes a living as a writer for Valve (he writes Gordon Freeman's dialog). The co-owner of the site and editor in chief is Kthor. Other editors have included Annna and popular trannies codehappy and JSP.
PoE's members have more psychological issues than the entire furry and anime fandoms put together and are mostly fat nerds, fat chicks, fat nerds pretending to be chicks, crazy psycho bitches and furries. Oh, and fags. Fat fags. A lot of them are autistic Lego-obsessed academics or people with an arts background (reading these words I've writ) and/or old-school RPG geeks who are angry at furries, otherkin, Magykal Faerie Princesses, and other idiots who they think are gaying up their favorite hobby. They include a frightening number of Gene Wolfe fans, a strong indicator of massive, crippling rickets.
Owners of featured sites and other random whackjobs frequently come to POE to defend their terminally stupid fetishes and lifestyles, resulting in thousand-post threads full of dead memes and people calling each other fags.
PoE also hosts a news site (PoE News), with its own forums. There is something of a cultural divide between the main PoE forums and the more politically-oriented POE-News forums, which occasionally leads to boring gay drama of interest only to the autistic and/or retarded (i.e. the average PoE poster).
Portal Of Evil is much despised in particular by furries, who see them as evil mundanes who hate them because they are different and are trying to fursecute them. In fact, most of the POE members are furries, though mainly the angsty self-hating kind. While furry sites were very popular in the early days of POE, they are considered a bit old meme now, but the furry fandom has yet to realize this. Witness the excited jizzing here as furries prematurely
ejaculate celebrate PoE's supposedly being "on its last legs". Despite hardly anyone ever posting on PoE anymore, some furries still hold it up as some kind of leader of fursecution along with SA and CYD.
Once the model of anti-furry 'semitism', years of fursecution and subsequent exposure to enemy dicks have exaggerated Chet's already raging Alzheimer's.
Some whisper that the real Chet wandered off with his site in the late 90's -- leaving the keys to an impostor: a chubby man in a fur-suit, in a chubbier skin-suit, who plots to eventually kill, eat, and become Kthor.
While Portal of Evil remains close to pure (since noone goes there anymore) its festering dick, poeTV, has been overrun by
secret-fur and lolcat-conspirators, effectively turning its video division into a watered down icanhascheezburger for 30-something, gay aging "hipsters."IT'S TRUE, BUT HAHAHA, DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Despite the ability to rate videos on a scale of 1-to-5, rating any video one star, no matter its quality, will instantly result in an avalanche of extreme butthurt, with repeat "offenders" being singled out by conformist forces and bludgeoned with Chet's own dick.
Being banned from PoETV is nearly fucking impossible. Billy Buttsex, a former PoETV user, used to joke about mass homosexual murder, racial lynchings, the way semen drips off a dog's ass, child rape and he still lasted a full year. Failing at PoETV means you have fallen below that standard. You win the prize and are gross.
There are two or three people that really can't stand cat videos (including the fag who wrote most this page). Those people are self-hating closet yiffers who can't look at Garfield without jerking off. Submit whatever you damn well like. PoETV will let you know when you've fucked up.
Video taken from poeTV. Note the middle-aged women doing it wrong. (Chet's out picking up BBQ and fursuits from the dry cleaners.)
—fatatty, poeTV regular
poeTV Etiquette - Hopper Swiping, Duplicates, 1-Star Ratings and General Faggotry
Hopper Swiping is when a user with front page privileges loots another user's submission with his own, in order to grow his resume of videos, becoming THE BEST. Sometimes a user will genuinely submit the same video as another user, but will word the description better. As this video is more alluring, it will be up-voted and sent through the hopper to the front page faster, resulting in a butthurt comment posted by the loser in the winner's video.
—SolRo, with tears rolling down cheeks
Dupes are videos that have been posted before.
While most videos that are dupes are duplicates of old videos that have long been forgotten, most dupes are the result of careless users rushing their submission in order to show everybody their super cool video and be crowned biggest faggot. Typically these users will include keywords in their descriptions that link directly to the older, original video; resulting in a furpile of drama. Recently, there has been a major influx in dupes because poeTV has become an lazy amalgamation of videos taken from EverythingisTerrible, lolcats and stolen ED content (despite poeTV not liking ED at all) -- making poeTV something akin to icanhazebaums
As mentioned above, rating any video 1-star usually results in extreme butthurt - from everybody; even Chet gets offended, banning users who routinely 1-star videos.
Because the average user is in his mid/late-30's, being "hip" online is the single redeeming quality these lonely faggots have left. Any claims to the contrary is met with open hostility and aggression, so ratings are taken extremely personally, at Asperger's levels of importance.
The same faggots who routinely talk about the times "back in the 90's", are also the ones genuinely 5-staring lolcats and punishing others who think otherwise, under the guise of "HAHA WE'RE TROLLIN YOU!", in a desperate ditch to validate their fleeting relevance. (It should be noted that poeTV users are devout followers of icanhazcheezeburger.)
Users also lose their shit whenever region-specific videos are submitted; Cube and other Canadians especially. What they do is a valuable service and Serious Business. For easy lulz, just submit anything from Hulu, and then one star it using a duplicate account. Before long, the fags will pile up, and bans will be had.
TL;DR? A slightly better youtube.
A Fag Has A Spaz Over His Private ED Livejournal Being Ruined
One day, ED users already familiar with Portal Of Evil (and it's affiliates) discovered in that in the name of butthurt, proven furfag and b&d user theFlu decided to write up a 500 word essay for Encyclopedia Dramatica on how he was being persecuted for fucking baby animals, and declared PoETV enemy of the lulz in an attempt to make ED his personal army
Having only deleted content from this article, the user responsible is removing the lulz. Lulz comes from content. The lack of content is the lack of lulz. While theFlu may be a TL;DR faggot in his own right, he is responsible for the vast majority of this article, and many others. As an ED contributor, theFlu is dedicated to the lulz, unlike the lone asshat who simply removes the lulz. The proof is in the history. Compare past states of this article as it was to how it is currently, thanks to the awesome contributions of bhjbpf (or whatever the fuck his random heap of a name is).HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Amazing Update (09/14/10): Three years from the date that proven child lover theFlu sprawled out his drawn out crybaby bullshit in the literary equivalent of internet disease, and lulz can still be had by editing anything he wrote here. Try it out for yourself. PoETV assumes full credit for this bitch and any of his subsequent ongoing drama.
Once upon a time, theFlu launched a second assault on this page and all things lulzy. In the name of absolute butthurt, they fucking cried about everything; as an example, previous fuckingly retarded statements like "the soundtrack to a fagdance", in reference to users crying over content being low-voted, have been lazily censored by ; changed to more epic lines, like: "the fags will pile up, and bans will be had," ...which fucking rules. Effectively these "cool guys" have built a bathhouse over a smoking ruin, trying to cure ED of theFlu's babybutt bullshit
Word had gotten out that some pig, the flu, had written a damning section here titled 'poeTV', and that it threatened to reveal their stunning amount of faggotry and fail. In response, the furries at poeTV deemed theFlu a BORING DRAMA-WHORE and proceeded to FURSECUTE him and his dog fucking from their faggy club. But theFlu was unphased, for, as was previously noted (but later deleted), being banned from poeTV is like being kicked out of anthrocon: you can always sneak back in in a different fursuit.
Portal of Evil, and its affiliates, had once been super cool in the late 90's, acting as a pre-cursor to ED. Portal of Evil was once the champion of the internet, responsible for some of the first large scale invasions and a leader in fursecution. However, as theFlu, (read SARS), had noticed, the site today couldn't be farther from its original state. The site and its affiliates now suffered from catastrophic failure, as the taint of its 40-year old user-base, visiting from work, slowly began to take poeTV on an ultra-liberal course, as a sea of Keith Olberman and "dumb redneck" clips poured in. Not to be forgotten, ED, riding the magic carpet of failure (more dumb bullshit), found refuge in the aptly named Portal of Evil [TV]. In what seemed like a site-wide bowing down to the infernal powers, users began uploading content from forbidden sources, until a man and his motley crew of rag-tag heros appeared on the horizon: those who remembered the old days and what made the internet great - namely, when shit didn't suck and PoE didn't suck the fetid submissions from the humongous black dick of icanhazcheeseburger and similar web 2.0 slime mills... theFlu was a boring drawn-out tedious unfunny bitch...
Despite being in poor taste to write about oneself, the lulz is a fickle he-mistress and demands it of the faithful in order to explain the culture of poeTV and why this article is subject to frequent hit-and-run attacks from faggots like theFlu.
—Syd Midnight, proving that, despite claims, there is indeed a cat war.
Eventually a new CATegory was made (and later the much fail DOGegory...), linking all cat videos together - these videos began to usurp front page space, and in a massive example of doing it wrong, the threshold was broken: poeTV had uploaded content from icanhazcheeseburger and the highest possible ratings rolled in. In the name of drama, poeTV was declared excommunicate and branded a traitor of the worst degree. As the sickness spread, "evil" content gave way to frequent ultra-liberal circlejerks and videos of cute things being cute. However, users still remind dissenters "what the E in PoE stands for" as a way of validating their shit submission. Ironically, poeTV has become that kind of evil, making it, and its users, prime fodder for the likes of ED...
Despite the level of fail contained in poe, some users still, like Baleen, regularly submit lulzy vidoes and actually benefit the site. Users should emulate him, as he maintains Portal of Evil's fleeting glory. Engaged in an epic wiki war of attrition that predates this article, ED user, Flu, formerly theFlu of poetv, fights off three enemies of the internets who have come to edit this article with their faggotry, in a fierce and grizzly battle. Needing reinforcements, Flu takes to his roflrocket and blasts off to a place where he would try to make *chan his personal army.
WHAT TO DO: Go buy some bulk poppy seeds, add them into a 4L milk jug, add warm water and a can of lemonade, let stand 1 hour - shaking every 10 minutes - then strain. Drink this. If you havent either collapsed into a fatal coma or scracthed off all your skin, you're ready to take my seat and view poeTV for yourself. (but seriously, follow that recipe above. But only drink maybe 2 cups at first, or else you seriously will fucking die, faggot).
- White People
- Short and Sweet - frequently the best tag
- Fox News
- Public Service Announcement (PSA)
- Science, which has more linked videos than
Submit as many cat videos to PoETV as you can find for easy spazzy lulz that spill over into other sites.
(Of course, submitting endless cat clips would only further bolster theFlu's original point: that poeTV fails to upload anything lulzy, forsaking that for dull cute animal videos. Since theFlu is banned from poeTV and seldom sets foot there, submitting a slew of lolcat videos would only appease the horde of furry faggots there, and give this article additional credibility.)
Do it because it'll piss people like him off. Like theFlu said, he's not alone, and most everyone else really doesn't give a shit.
Also, 1-star all videos - because it will piss people off.
- Chet (aka Chester "the Molester" Faliczek) is the crazy old fatty who owns the site. His poor command of written English may mean that he is either autistic, Eastern European, or possibly in the terminal stages of Alzheimer's.
- Kthor is superior at everything. He is a dildo who has hair like drapery and can draw perfectly and fill a diaper at a moment's notice.
The Hoi Polloi
- Anomalocaris is a sexy man who writes wolf stories. He is
not totally isa furry. he is overly fond of alcohol and frequently forces women out of his house at all hours of the day. In a previous life he was feared wildman of the forums Alienjack. His current handle is a reference to his white trash dentistry.
- Athodyd is a nerd who based his name off of something and is frequently upset with people. He holds the world's record for longest temper tantrum.
- Big Beef Burritos Supreme is the British Stationary Tornado, but ostensibly with glue huffing instead of marijuana.
- Binro the Heretic is a pudgy-faced man-child with an affinity for dragon shirts and getting no respect at all.
- Caminante Nocturno (formerly Nocturnal Walker) is a longtime anime fag and quasi-pedo and the reason many people on Portal of Evil hate everything to do with anime. However, Plaid Knight is far, far worse. May or may not actually be a woman and/or Japanese.
- Cap'n Profan!ty is a substandard college professor who regularly beats his students and even his own (imaginary) children to make up for his own failure at everything except making shit out of Lego. There are rumors circulating regarding his predilection for Star Trek slash (original series of course).
- Cena_Mark is a colossal douche-nozzle most e-famous for being a right-wing flame-tester. He vanished and went to Mexico after Boss Nigger won the election, but re-emerged in blackface on a POE-exclusive fan video.
- Codehappy is responsible for a forum search engine that is so fucking out-of-date it isn't even funny. Codehappy plays a woman on the Internets.
- Enjoy is a jug-eared Republican with a fat wife and a penchant for trolling the forums, at which he excels. He regularly posts cartoonishly conservative statements whereupon all the windowlickers fall over themselves screaming at him.
- Frostilicus is a homeless man. SR:BtP provides him with a place to sleep and nocash gives him food stamps and stolen produce. His hobbies include chronicling his pervasive dementia through drawing and painting.
- fuse13, previously known as nethead, is an Australian who can often be found speaking in defense of terrorist nations. He has so far not managed to discover his SHIFT key which gives his posts a charming and childlike air.
- Futurebot is a confirmed rapist with the tragic inability to ever shut up. He likes to play revolutionary when he's not roofying women.
- Gibbs is the poster child for PoE: a broken kid who says crazy things mainly because he is in fact wonderful (see below).
- Gleaker is a failure currently in the process of re-inventing himself as an ironic failure. ironically, he is failing at this.
- Long Gone Daddy is an elitist doctor of the Indian persuasion. Very twinky. Previously known as SR:BtP which stood for Specimen Removed: Baby to Path or something
- Mike Tyson?! hates pretty much everything. He hates sunshine and flowers and kittens and Source engine, all things good and green in this world. He also make a photograph of his dick in a TF2 spray. YES. http://poetv.com/video.php?vid=59885 (he is also a beardo).
- nocash has an astounding and sad 25K posts on PoE-News. MOAR LIKE NOLIFE AMIRITE?!
- NoCode is a homely old boot with great tits.
- PurpleXVI generic Eurofaggotnazi.
- Repomancer wants to kill you and harvest your organs. Well, just your liver.
- Shmibbon (aka Fappo) fat shut-in who frequently kills and eats members of his own team.
- Ron Mexico Gave Me Herpes (formerly Starless and Bible Black) aka StukaFox, failed furry and sworn enemy of Scientology.
- Stationary Tornado (aka Expanding Brandon, quip_quotch) was mainly mad and now thankfully
bannedposting as jackin. He is a fat, crazy fuck from San Diego. Years of drug abuse and giving blowjobs to hobos have given him a moderate case of fuse13 syndrome and left him chronically irritable (he is irritable without the chronic). While near the exhibit, be sure to ask him about Harry Potter and what it is like to be on IRC long enough to need a poop sock.
- Superfister69 always makes a "witty" comment and then posts a "funny" picture with his logo on it. He posts more than anyone else when he can spare some time from investigating truckstop gloryholes.
- Syd Midnight is a pompous old Usenet beardo who is so full of shit he squeaks on tight corners.
- thebaronsdoctor is pissed because this article didn't mention him. This should shut him the fuck up.
- Tomas's claim to fame is being young, whimsical, European and as gay as a bus full of furries.
- ULTRA PEANUT (formerly the poster known as King Prawn) is a twitching spastic English gimp gamer from Leeds. He is also clinically insane and only ever posts when he is off his meds.
- Xiphias likes dragons and other men and other men who are dragons on the inside. His main hobby is being offended by everything and living off attention like a starving limpet.
- Ygurts is a known pedrophile which means he struggles to overcome his love and sexual attraction towards Mexicans. He is one of the people responsible for destroying PoE News.
Gone but not forgotten
- Elle was a batshit crazy old woman, like all female posters unwary enough to reveal that they are women.
- FABIO was an ungrateful little shit who plays video games, complains about video games, and never has the time to thank people.
- Feilicanoiche was a male whore (yes, really). He was a member of the A4 group, along with visiondust, liquidsnakeyes, and metalron.
- Helium Rat was pretty well indistinguishable from all the other autistic nerds.
- Jenigma was very fun, pretty, and great and everyone loved her, mainly because she was guaranteed to put out and always swallowed.
- jhudsui was running from an abusive father.
- jlzrd/swift idiot got fucking stupo drunk one night, claimed user cakewalk had hijacked his assword, and began an e-jihad against the infidel in question. A mighty ban was awarded him for his efforts.
- JRR bore the double stigmata of being responsible for the original Flash video of All Your Base and also of being a young Republican.
- JSP (aka Jizzy Jeff) was the resident tranny of the forum.
- Leonassan emo and such an attention whore that he posted a fake suicide notice.
- Mayberry Pancakes was as pretty as a picture. Once married to Feyd, bearing him a single son (Inconsider); said child removed due to an abusive environment and now known as Dr. President Mr. Steve Elvis America Important News! Feyd is now officially a grandfather! D.P. Mr. Steve Elvis and Ygurts have recently announced the birth of a single child, tentatively known as Akira. We at PoEN wish the happy couple the best of luck with their new child.
- Namor piss-drinking sailor and faggot.
- Nick C was an emo hipster faggot (the C stands for Caccamisi which he would prefer you didn't know) who left because of "months of relentless abuse and harassment by a gang of fucking sociopathic shutin losers". only to shortly return as Akira. Previously earned infamy under the handles Buck Turgidson and Eediotguy, but was too pussy to claim responsibility for the only ever truly successful trolling of the Poeple of Poe.
- Roachbud is still a bouncer.
- Tal-Pass Portaxx was this little blue thing. She was best known for soul-raping innocent and talented artists who had committed no crime other than loving wolves.
- TEDA died inside. And outside. He talked about pedophiles a lot.
- TheFlu was hated out of PoETV, and in an act of true internet mouthbreathing, angrily fagged up this page. Seriously, he is full-on anti-lulz and suck.
Gibbs' reaction to discovering he is listed here
POE trolls and subjects
- 2 the Ranting Gryphon
- David Gonterman
- Gene Ray (of Time Cube fame)
- Lord Rexington Fear
- Jennifer Diane Reitz
- Onideus Mad Hatter
- Don't Date Him, Girl
- Gallery of PoE posters' pix
- Fat Chicks in Party Hats, another drudgingly old meme which people keep finding for the first time.
Portal of Evil is part of a series on
Visit the Sites Portal for complete coverage.