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The air is thick with self-righteousness. The twin spires of the Oregon Convention Center prick the sky like a pair of dirty syringes. The streets are packed with panhandlers and punks, while I-5 snakes its way through the chaos like a twisting, writhing serpent. It has about it an unbearable atmosphere of pomp, while the masses pleasure themselves to the idea of being “weird” and “quirky”. Normalcy is the ultimate crime in this city: Those who ride bicycles while clothed and drink commercial beers such as Budweiser and Coors are frowned upon, and are rejected by the public for not “keeping it weird”. At the center of the infected mass lies Courthouse Square, the tiresomely beating heart of the beast. It is an area through which thousands pass through daily to perform pretentious spiritual activities such as yoga, meditation, or simply twitching spasmodically for hours on end. The city is a labyrinth of seedy shops and office buildings, desperately attempting to stimulate the local economy. Welcome to Portland, Oregon.
Portland is the Short Bus of the West Coast and the libtard capital of Oregon. It's where people go when they don't cut it anywhere else. The rent is cheap, there's no sales tax, the art/music "scene" is oh exploitable, the niggers are corralled to the north, and the white people are passive and non-confrontational. Most of them keep their eyes on the pavement and freak out if you say "hi". There are probably more basement dwellers here than any other type of person, and are actually considered part of the "in crowd" since most of Portland's trolls and hipsters have died off in a massive heroin plague. If someone invites you to a "cool party" be wary; they're letting in fat neckbeards and ugly lesbians (another thing this town is famous for) in these dark and troubled times.
Portland is number two in the country for heroin addiction. Closely related is the fact that it's number one in creepy strip clubs. This is where girls and sometimes guys earn the money for their habit, their musician boyfriend's habit, and their weekly trip to the tattoo parlor. None of this makes sense anymore because, while the heroin used to be primo, it is now shit that reeks of vinegar and only gets you high until you're hooked. Yet locals are still weak and desperate enough to pay 20, 25, even 30 dollars a balloon, when the Mexicans sell 'em for 15. The Mexicans are very professional and if you swing a connection they'll meet you anywhere in their inconspicuous sedans. They'll front you thirty bucks but anymore and they cut you off. This is always happening to junkies so they'll latch onto an alternate connection like a baby to a razorblade. An EDiot can make a decent living off this price differential, and pick up a stripper girlfriend to boot.
Interesting: It's widely believed that Portland has the most Porn shops per capita in the USA.
Nobody who lives inside 82nd actually goes to the strip clubs. They exist only for 300 pound bikers from some alternate dimension; they enjoy ignoring the girl (who dances exclusively for tips). What they enjoy is the fact that she's helpless in the background, dancing for their biker lulz, and also for that slight whiff of cunt in their PBR. Strippers in Portland are usually very young and bored, so you can practically charm them right off the stage if you've got drugs and they're pissed at their boyfriends. This goes for non-stripper Portland girls as well. If you know how to talk to girls, have a working knowledge of indie music, and some cash, any human-looking guy or lesbian can pick up girls who look exactly like the ones who turned you down in Williamsburg or San Fran.
- 1 People
- 2 History
- 3 Geography and Climate
- 4 Culture
- 5 Politics and Demographics
- 6 The Secks Industry
- 7 Portland Mayor's gay sex challenged by Lardass Larson
- 8 The "Cover Oregon" Drama
- 9 Homelessness
- 10 Beer
- 11 Guide to Being Cool in Portland
- 12 Portland's Alternate Names
- 13 Photographic Tour of Portland
- 14 The Rest of Oregon
- 15 See Also
- 16 External Links
Social Trivia: If you're from Portland no one else in Oregon will take you seriously, because your city's a joke.
Portland has a reputation for being high-minded, progressive and full of unwarranted self-importance. It is widely known as the whitest, laziest, with the biggest concentration of racists in denial than anywhere in the world and the most racist large city in America burg west of New Orleans, in spite of what anyone with a case of butthurt hometown loyalty will tell you. The biggest bullshit emo poster boy hometown loyalty spokesperson shill speech for Portland ever can be heard here: .
Portland is Brad Fitzpatrick’s old-school spawning pool and west coast connection for hookers and blow. He can often be seen rolling, Riding Dirty and being hated at on 82nd avenue, hitting every one of Portland’s legendary strip clubs he can get tossed out of. Some argue that he started Six Apart in an effort to get more pierced, tattooed and unshaven Anarcho-Portlander snatch through LJ's ingenious social networking powers. All he ended up doing was sowing the seeds of LJDrama and therefore, by extension, Encyclopedia Dramatica's glorious commonwealth.
Much of the town is owned by skin-rag publisher and strip-club impresario Frank Faillace. By exploiting his tenuous links to organized crime, Frank has obtained a stranglehold on Portland's titty-bar and shitty-local-bands nightlife scene. Then he gave his worthless film-school fucktard of a son a job at his flagship enterprise, the abysmal Dante's, an excellent club if your idea of a good time is either listening to an ex-morbidly obese Ex-Mormon bible thumper, (aka Clyde Lewis of Ground Zero Lounge) preach the horrors of doomsday scenarios or getting your head smashed in by overzealous bouncers while ugly strippers breathe fire and wield chainsaws as part of some brain-dead asshole's conception of "alternative" erotic entertainment.
PROTIP: Frank is a douchebag but he's been known to pack heat when shaking down local strip-club owners, so don't fuck with him.
Portland is also home to once daring but now tedious novelist Chuck Palahniuk. His trashy, pretentious books have become required reading for yuppies who want to seem "edgy." One of his novels was made into a highly successful film, Fight Club, which bolstered his career as a writer-who-failed-to-live-up-to-his-early-potential. Chuck is a highly visible Portland resident, and can often be seen enjoying typical Portland activities such as getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and erm...getting drunk in strip clubs. Although primarily a fag, he has an omnivorous sexual appetite, and frequently scours local dive bars for fresh young hipster meat to feed into the maw of his insatiable lust. Nearly every person, male or female, in Magic Gardens on any given night has fucked Chuck at least twice. He's also a regular participant in Portland's Santa-Con, an annual event in which obnoxious assholes dress up as Santa Claus and go on a downtown drinking spree. It's not as much fun as it sounds, as anyone who has any real fun will end up getting arrested, because the PPD doesn't put up with that shit.
Due to the permissiveness of liberal fucktardry, and the fact that there's fuck all else to do in this God-forsaken town, Portland is believed to have the most strip clubs per capita of any U.S. city. Portland has over 50 strip clubs while, to put the situation in perspective, the "great" city of Seattle has only four. 50:4 = almost 13 strip clubs for every one that Seattle has. While this may make Portland seem like the promised land to horny wastrels, it should be borne in mind that there is a painful dearth of attractive women, which means that titty-bars have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to keep all those poles occupied during business hours.
Also, Portland has the Portland Trailblazers, one of the worst basketball teams in history.
Last thursday, an unfunny TV show was released called "Portlandia". It starred Fred Armisten and a few other people noone had ever heard of engaged in SOOPER FUNNI THINGS THAT PORTLANDERS DO!!!!!1!!one :D, like being a libtard hippie imbecile and PUTTING A BIRD ON IT ZOMG LOLOLOL!!!.
Once upon a time, while America was still in beta format, Thomas Jefferson bought at least 100 acres of bandwidth from France. At the time, Napoleon was still trying to win his IRL game of Civilization III in Europe and was in desperate need of more resources. Thomas Jefferson took a break fucking slaves to find a pair of testers to check his new purchase for bugs and potential 'sploits that Canada or Mexico might use against America v.3.11 (for Workgroups), and two Virginians named Lewis and Clark volunteered and had an epic expedition.
After hearing about Lewis and Clark’s expedition, a bunch of Christfags named Pioneers decided to follow them, thus inspiring one of the greatest video games of all time. After reaching Oregon, they all needed a place to smoke their injun weed and make beer that they could claim was better than God’s own piss. These are traditions that continue to this day.
Geography and Climate
Portland is the perfect place to travel if you want to feel morally inferior. Pee-town's claim to fame is their supreme tolerance towards everyone and ultimate understanding of how difficult life is. They care about the children in Africa and give jew gold to Wikimedia.
Much of hipster/metrosexual fashion in America found its roots in Portland, as evidenced by most LJ users. In fact, it is impossible to tell the difference between your typical Portland citizen and a hardcore flaming fgt from anywhere else in the world.
Politics and Demographics
Ideologies in Portland range from people who masturbate to Faux News to sXe anarchist cooks. Portland outweighs the rest of Oregon in terms of bleeding-heart leftards, which is fine because everything east of Portland is a desolate wasteland populated by sodomy-lovin' hillbillies.
People in Portland are incredibly sensitive about their personal beliefs and tend to either go tough guy or dial the waaaambulance immediately after hearing something offensive. In spite of Portland’s obsession with irony and sarcasm (but not [[satire), nobody there can take a fucking joke. Everyone preaches high-minded tolerance to the hilt and will instantly cry a river if you say the word black person.
This is hilarious, since 77% of the city is white and above the poverty line. Portlanders will tell you that they love black people and that black people love them even as they line the next one up to the curb for a stomping. Honest Portlanders join the TVS or move to Idaho and join the Klan.
Hipsters make as many black friends as possible in an effort to pull it off legit. Some even learn how to.
The Secks Industry
People love to brag about how there are moar strip clubs there per capita than any other city in the United States, including Las Vegas and San Francisco. This is due to the high number of batshit Libertarians that populate the rest of Oregon and demand their rights to bear arms and get lap dances every Friday. The sex industry is massive in Oregon, although everyone selling themselves for cash most definitely will give you AIDS, especially if you go to one of Portland’s many YMCAs or premium bathhouses.
Portland Mayor's gay sex challenged by Lardass Larson
"We now know that you took this teenager into a bathroom and engaged in intimate contact"
The "Cover Oregon" Drama
Sometime last thursday, the fucktards down in Salem realized that they needed to get people interested in the new Oregon healthcare program, and they needed a way to raise publicity. Being the shit-for-brains dumbasses that they are, they decided to let Portland take care of this. Many months later and most of the state's budget later, this was the result:
This is what happens when you put Portland in charge of things.
Naturally, this generated shame and embarrassment from everyone else living in Oregon, as the commercial had turned the state into a laughingstock. In the end, Oregon had to resort to using the national healthcare system because the commercials had taken DOUBLE the entire budget, and there was no more money left to actually run the Cover Oregon system.
Homelessness is considered fashionable in Portland, and a perfectly acceptable career choice. Rich attention-whoring emo kids will ditch their parents and their Linkin Park albums to go form street families in order to get themselves a sense of street cred and belonging. To maintain their hXc rep, they will stab, rape, steal, have public sex and make the Portland Business Alliance pass laws that make standing and sitting illegal. Most of the "homeless" people you meet on the streets in Portland are fairly aggressive about asking you for money. For example, if you're just sitting on a bench at a bus stop somewhere, expect to be accosted by some nigger who comes up to you crying about how he lost his job and his children are starving, and could you spare just a little bit of money? Then he'll suddenly get a call on his Samsung Galaxy S4 with the custom made gold-plated cover and lose all interest in you.
There are two types of beer snobs in Portland: those who drink PBR and sneer at everyone who drinks microbrews and those who drink microbrews and sneer at everyone who drinks PBR. If you do not fall into either of these categories, you won’t have any friends.
Guide to Being Cool in Portland
- Ride a bike that costs as much as a new car
- Tell people "I Don't Watch TV"
- Be black
- Become "friends" with sum blacks
- Make an hero pr0n for Sean Suhl
- Do heroin
- Be hXc sXe
- Become a Metafilter moderator and delete threads for no reason
- Make Pruno
- Wear a Civil War cap (replacing the trucker cap as the #1 most popular addition to the hipster uniform)
- Become an ED sysop
Portland's Alternate Names
Photographic Tour of Portland[[Old Town]]
[[Lake No Negroes]]
The Rest of Oregon
- Eugene - Portland 2: Electric Boogaloo. Eugene is Portland for people who 1. wish they lived in Portland because they are too goddamned cheap, chickenshit, or poor. 2. People who are sick and fucking tired of Portland but can't go anywhere else because they are too goddamned chickenshit, cheap, or poor. 3. People who would rather have better access to the wilderness where they can get away with growing more pot and go to more naked hippy orgies, but are way too goddamned chickenshit, cheap, or poor to move to California. Eugene has more genuine bums, fewer strip clubs, more fat butt ugly bulldyke wiccan covens, and Way, way too many fucking costume peasant hippies than anywhere else in the entire State of Oregon. Most of Eugene hippies are spoiled little hedonistic shits with trust funds who don't contribute anything to society. (Was there ever any other kind of Hippy after 1969?.) Eugene is notable because it is the home town of Phil Knight, the founder of Nike.
- Springfield - Eugene's shriveled Siamese twin. Noone cares about Springfield.
- Salem - Oregon's sorry-ass excuse for a capital. There is absolutely nothing of interest there.
- Keizer - Keizer is to Salem as Springfield is to Eugene.
- Eastern Oregon - I giant shitpot full of absolutely nothing (See Idaho).
- Southern Oregon - Noteworthy only for the fact that a bunch of rednecks from Southern Oregon banded together with some rednecks from Northern California and tried to form their own state, which they called "Jefferson".
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