Princess Diana

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Reports of Charles’ involvement in Diana’s fatal car accident have been grossly exaggerated by the media.
We shit you not.

In the interest of transparency, it is worth noting that Princess Diana crossed the road because she was not wearing a seatbelt.

Also, It is worth noting the police knew she had dandruff, as they found her Head & Shoulders on the dashboard.


Princess

  • D ied
  • I n
  • A
  • N asty
  • A ccident

or "Princess Di" for short (pronounced "Princess Die").

Frances nee Spencer (July 1969 - 31 August 1997) was a cock hungry aristocrat who provided one of the most lulzy moments of the 1990's. This moment was nearly spoilt by the never-ending press coverage that ultimately followed it. None-the-less, much hilarity was had all round.


   
 
I honestly didn’t think that I would ever laugh that hard again, but then the old hag went and popped her clogs and I actually ruptured a haemorrhoid from laughing [because] when I switched on the telly that morning, I thought Mater had died instead.
 

 
 

Prince Charles. When questioned about his dead ex-wife, Diana, whilst at his Nan’s funeral in 2002.

Background[edit]

Diana: Pictured here roughly three weeks before her wedding to Charles

Those of you who are unfamiliar with the British class system or with European history as a whole, may be surprised to learn that there are, in fact, only three distinct bloodlines from which all aristocrats are descended. This is largely due to several centuries’ worth of inbreeding between all of the noblemen and royalty. This is similar to the American plutocracy we know today. This behaviour is rarely practiced within other social classes except for certain impoverished Southern US states and a county in England, called Norfolk.

The other reason that there are only three Royal bloodlines left today (across the whole of Europe) is because intra-continental warfare, a-la Bloods versus the Crips stylee, has wiped out the remaining families.

And so it was, on the 24th of February 1981, that Diana was betrothed to her half-brother Charles, the Prince of Wales. At this time, Charles was recovering from a massive media scandal - involving himself, a tube of KY jelly and a rather ugly looking horse - and had narrowly escaped a prison term earlier that year. Fortunately for him, an Old English Royal By-law negated the charges of bestiality - the act for which he had been caught - and he was now desperate to bolster his waning public opinion.

Their mother, Elizabeth Sachsen-Coburg-Gotha (a German and closet Nazi), despite being rather fond of his horse suitor, pressured her love torn son to take the safer option of marrying his 12 year old sister instead (documents were later forged to hide her real age and sibling relation to the future king).


   
 
It was a very close call. At one point we nearly let Charles marry his beloved stable-mate, Camilla. But in the end we decided to keep with tradition, so we had him marry a much closer relative, a sibling, who was still a virgin.
 

 
 

The Queen, Elizabeth II. From her 2006 book: ‘Memoirs of a Fascist Cunt’ (P. 117, Chapter III – 1000 Years of Incest and Morris Dancing).

Marriage[edit]

Charles was often unkind to Diana and here we see him pining over his former lover (Camilla not pictured here, this is a different floozy Charles had an affair with whilst he was still married to Diana).
This photo was stolen from a private collection Charles kept hidden from Diana. Here we see Charles lovingly fisting Camilla during foreplay. A vibrator is stimulating her anus as well. This is why Chaz has horse spunk.

It wasn’t long before cracks in the marriage began to open wide - phnarr phnarr - for the young royals. The first problem arose when the no-longer-a-virgin bride was unable to sire a child for her husband. However, fertility tests soon confirmed that the barely pubescent Princess was indeed capable of bearing children. Little is known about the cause of Charles’s infertility but one former Royal courtier proffered this explanation (shortly before having a self-inflicted fatal accident involving a pair of scissors, his testicles, and twelve Royal hunting hounds):


   
 
It is generally known, within the Castle, that after many years of being exposed to equine pheromones and vaginal fluid, the gamete within the Princes’ sperm has mutated to a state where it is no longer compatible with the human ovum
 

 
 

Former Royal ass wiper.

Loosely translated:


   
 
The Prince has fucked so many horses that his balls now emit horse jizz.
 

 
 

Unwilling to suffer further scandal from her idiotic son, the Queen decided to get her husband Prince Philip (a Greek and open Nazi) to impregnate his stepdaughter, Diana. Once she had her first taste of his scaly green Lizard pecker and guzzled back his ichorous, black semen, her persona was irrevocably changed and from that moment on - she was all about the cock.

This fact is widely known and accepted as completely true within the United Kingdom. Many commentators even speculate that this was the moment the British public adopted her as the people’s Princess, despite all of her sexual transgressions - some of which were even with Muslims. Common folk across the land knew it was simply the work of Prince Philip's Lovecraftian jizz juice, worming its way out of her system any way it could.

During their marriage, one additional child was born of Diana, although this time not from the loin of her step-father Philip. Luckily for all concerned, when it emerged, it was the socially accepted colour of ‘white’. Otherwise she may never have lived to know the sweet-sweet joy of Dodi Al-Fayed’s forked Arab tongue darting in and out of her pussy for three weeks on his shag boat in Bahrain. We’ll get back to that soon.

Thus it was that Diana’s second son - Harry, fathered by James ‘Get in, I fucked the future King’s wife and I didn’t get bumped off’ Hewitt, came into this world on the 15th of September, 1984. During these years Charles was oft spotted looking depressed and upset just as much as is younger half-sister and wife, Diana. Although, it must be said that Diana’s visible misery was only the result of her wondering where the next cock-up-her-flanges would come from; unlike Charles, whose penchant for horse pussy left him pining and lamenting after his first and only love - Camilla.

Children:

  • Prince William (father Prince Philip)
Equalswilliam.jpg
  • Prince Harry (father James Hewitt)
Equalsharry.jpg

Divorce[edit]

Charles and long-term mistress, Camilla Parker-Bowles.
A post-surgery Camilla alongside her sister.

Fed up with the endless stream of media embarrassments caused by her slutty daughter and horse-fucking son, the Queen finally issued a decree – allowing them to divorce - in August 1995. On the 28th of August 1996 the divorce was finalised. On the 29th of August 1996, a queue of men 900 feet long formed outside the north side apartment of Kensington palace in response to an advert Diana had placed in the local Evening Standard. She was attempting to set a new world record for the biggest gang-bang bukkake fuckfest the world had ever seen. Coincidentally, on that very same day, Charles was in a private Harley street clinic because of a horsefly bite on his penis that had turned septic and required lancing.

During this period, media coverage and the attention it garnered didn’t really change that much. Before the divorce, tabloids and TV news stations would contain lurid reports and allegations that were obtained via illegal wiretaps. These would then be hidden under the guise of ‘an unknown source’.

After the divorce, the stories of Diana fucking any celebrity with a pulse and Charles’ stable room antics remained plentiful. Only now, there was also a mass of high quality photos to accompany the stories. This was because around this time in the UK, news outlets were given carte blanche to print any picture and story, regardless of how it was obtained. This made for much lulz as Polaroid evidence made it harder for those involved to refute the facts. The recently-made-famous-phrase used by OJ Simpson in his successful defence during a murder trial, “It wasn’t me” (Source: Shaggy), could be heard up and down the land every time a hastily produced microphone was thrust in front of either Diana or Charles. After a while, this all got a bit tiresome and boring.

Diana’s Death[edit]

Killa camilla.png
fap fap fap

Although Diana’s taste for men was insatiable - she sampled pretty much every colour, race and creed she could get her lips around - towards the end, she certainly preferred her meat halal. As mentioned earlier, her final days were spent with an Arab named Dodi Al-Fayed.

Dodi’s father, Mohamed Al-Fayed, is an Arab and reasonably successful UK businessman. Mohamed made the bulk of his fortune early on in his life, in Egypt, as the official arse wiper of one of the world's richest men, the Sultan of Brunei - Omar Ali Saifuddien III.

This high paying, and in Egypt highly esteemed, job gave Mohamed and his tongue intimate access to the Sultan's sand and shit caked ring piece, on a daily basis. In fact, toilet paper is not used, at all, in any of the world’s Royal households - ever. It is the wipers duty to ensure that their tongue is well lubricated with plenty of saliva before proceeding to remove deposits of waste with their mouth. Naturally, they are expected to provide a report every day summarising any oddities that are detected regarding the texture, consistency, colour or flavour.

This angry, dwarf like, shit licker caused much controversy claiming that his son and Diana were the targets in a giant murder conspiracy carried out by the Royal household. Whilst these sorts of ‘conspiracies’ are quite common and have happened in the past, this one is generally considered to be nonsense by both the general public and the UK’s legal authorities.

Everyone knows that the Royals would never go to that much effort to kill a slut and an Arab – not when there’s the AIDS virus and 300 million angry Americans – willing, available and capable of either task.

No, the car crash in the Pont de l'Alma road tunnel in Paris was quite likely the result of an alcoholic French chauffeur who was dosed up on meds and booze at the time of the accident. Likewise, the fucktards in the car weren’t wearing their seatbelts (except for the only survivor, the bodyguard, well how about that?) whilst speeding through a tunnel at over 100mph.

A tunnel that is full of unprotected concrete pillars. Derp! Oh, and there could have been a bunch of sneaky ninja paparazzi on motorbikes distracting the driver with their camera flash bulbs. Given that there are photos circulating the tubes that were taken before any accident response teams even appeared at the scene - this is quite likely.

Disregard the above. A royal princess has one job and one job only: to pump out an heir and a spare. That's it. So long as Diana had produced two Windsor sons, she could have spent the rest of here entire life doing absolutely anything she wanted, cosseted in swathes of protection and money undreamed of by regular mortals. She had a target tattooed on her back the day she produced a ginger sprog who potentially might one day be King of England. The penalty for treason is still death in the UK. It's that simple.

WHOODUNNIT?[edit]

Many lulzy conspiracy theories of Princess Di's untimely death are as follows:


  • No conspiracy. It was merely an accident. Face it, the stupid cunt didn't wear her fucking seatbelt for God's sake.
  • Paparazzi did it.
  • FBI did it.
  • A British SAS did it and fled to South America with his fat wife.
  • The BBC did it.
  • Diana faked her own death.
  • James Bond did it.
  • CIA did it.
  • Henri Paul did it.
  • Irish Republicans did it.
  • The Americans did it.

Aftermath[edit]

Harry gearing up to machine gun some very poor brown people
Harry flaunting his Nazi credentials
Said... one, two... Princes stand before you, that’s what I said now. Princes, Princes who want to bomb you... back to Dirka Stan, y’all... One has, pistols in his pocket, how about that now? The other, said he wants to fire his rocket, he’ll toast ya all now... Heeeeey, ya-yeaah-ya... dib dib-ba dib... ba dibba etc.

Despite all of Diana’s shortcomings, she certainly did a lot more for normal people than the rest of those elitist, inbred, narcissistic, parasites called Royalty. Indeed, she spent an awful lot of her time raising awareness for good causes and even got all the nasty wasty soldiers to stop using landmines (although she was totally unable to do anything about the massive global arms trade that supplies weapons illegally from UK/USA companies like: The Carlyle Group, BAE Systems, Raytheon Corp, etc., to terrorists everywhere). Nor did she prevent any of the illegal wars that are being routinely orchestrated all around the world by the NWO (to give us all a big fireworks show and a reason to be scared of brown people…yay!).

Similarly, she encouraged her children to be more in touch with the ‘commoners’. This of course was totally out of line with the Royal family's code of conduct and it was thus frowned upon behind closed doors. Royalty everywhere have spent roughly the last two millennia laughing about the stupidity of all the peasants within their own coterie and now this bitch was starting to screw things up with her progressive ideas. Naturally, this has only served to fuel the speculation that she was bumped off by her own family because she was influencing the future monarchs, her sons, in a way that ‘they’ didn’t like. This conspiracy theory is utter bollocks but it does raise some interesting points.

Since her death, her sons have certainly embraced their traditional family values totally full on. Both are now serving in Her Majesty’s Armed Forces. It has always been Royal policy for male family members to serve a minimum term in the forces, you know, for all that luv’erly PR spin, baby!

Not only are they both now flying around the world to shoot at poor brown people whenever they get the chance, something Diana would abhor, but they also seem to be enjoying it very much. Harry has even taken to wearing his families' Nazism loud and proud - like his Grandfather Philip like his half-brother's father, Prince Philip. Although William seems to be a bit more reserved about it – just like his Nan Elizabeth - there’s no hiding that glint in his eye that says: “Fuck you all. You’re all peasant cunts. You’re the reason my mummy is dead. Long live the lizard people!”

As for her former husband, Charles? Well, he stumped up the cash to get his former lover and mistress - Camilla the horse - some barely-passable plastic surgery. Unfortunately for Charles, the surgeon he selected was a former lover of Diana’s and instead of getting a half-decent job done, the surgeon deliberately did a totally crappy one. However, since there was so much room for improvement, nobody noticed his shoddy workmanship and the operation was heralded a success.

We would just like to take this opportunity to say that the ’Lizard’ people references were made entirely as an ironic statement and should in no way be misrepresented to infer: ‘Lizard people are real’. They are not. David Icke is a cunt. The rest of the article is 100% fact.

A Video Dedicated to Princess Diana[edit]

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