Professor Layton

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Professor Layton and the Orgy Train.jpg

Professor Hershel Layton is an archaeologist and a part time puzzle solver. He has featured in a number of DS games, with his young apprentice Luke Triton. As it is a puzzle game, it will have puzzles. The puzzles range from insultingly easy, to incredibly hardcore, making you ashamed that you can’t beat a game that has little crappy cutey-pie kiddy drawings. Give this to a Halo MLG fag, and watch them cry, as they can’t complete a puzzle that has you counting up to 10, presented to them by that fucking cartoon cat. Play Mario Kart instead. As a self-proclaimed gentlemen, in his leisure time, Layton likes to read, drink tea and take part in the annihilation of minorities and women, as quoted by Layton:


   
 
A true gentlemen is an elitist faggot and a chauvinist and member of the KKK
 

 
 

—Professor Gayton

As for Luke, when he doesn’t have to give Layton a “raging clue”, he does what every NORMAL 13 year old boy does, play RuneScape and goes on Newgrounds. He has a massive fetish for the color blue and is a general all-round annoyance.

Of course these DS games always expect you to blow actual money on these things. We suggest you download it off a torrent. You can find the torrent here.

Games[edit]

First Trilogy -
Curious Village
-
Diabolical Box
-
Unwound Future
Curious Village
Professor Layton and the Curious Village.jpg

First game of the series, and as the debut of Professor Layton, this has one retarded storyline. In general, the whole population of St Mystere (the stereotypical French village, where everyone is horrendously ugly) are robots, I shit you not. If this doesn’t show incompetence in plot writing, the lack of any plot structure whatsoever is just an insult. The game advertises there are 12 different mysteries to solve, but by grinding through the annoying puzzles (that have no gradual learning curve, they start easy and then suddenly make you their bitch), you unlock the next part of the story. You would think you gradually solve the mysteries throughout the game, but nope, you solve all the mysteries at the very end of the fucking game. They also included a blatant loli in the game (one puzzle has you play as Luke where you grope a picture of her while Layton jacks off in the background, laughing), and the introduction of Stachenscarfen, the biggest troll in videogame history. He has the ability to appear in obscure locations (like a fucking sewer) and will just throw a puzzle in your face that will probably have you in a corner, crying and cutting yourself, considering the final solution. If you can’t find Stachenscarfen, you know what you have to do. It should also be noted the best part of this game is a cutscene where Waluigi appears without context or reason to fuck up Laytons day with his magical spinning balls of death, then the Prof turns into fucking McGyver and builds a rocketship/glider out of cum and biscuits he had in his pocket, then he shoots down Waluigi and a 6 year old girl gives him head while they fly away into the sunset. Upon watching his cock be blocked, Luke becomes an hero for lolicon.

Diabolical Box
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box.jpg

Also known as Professor Layton and the Pandora's Box, as sequels go, they at least boost the plot so it doesn’t look like a scrapped alternative ending to lost. It turns out the whole place is full of hallucinogenic gas, which make Professor Layton and Luke on the equivalent of taking 12 aspirins at once. Not much to say about this one really, Stachenscarfen makes a likely return.

Unwound Future
Professor Layton and the Unwound Future.jpeg

In this game, Layton and Luke travel into the future to stop Layton's evil self from taking control of London. Throughout the course of the game we learn some very important things, most notably: The president of the United Kingdom is Bill Hawkes, apparently. Layton had a ginger girlfriend named Claire who died in a failed lab experiment 10 years ago. Dr. Stahngun (later revealed to be Dimitri Allen) has an unquenchable "time" fetish, and has spent most of his life trying to fulfill his sexual desires through countless unsuccessful attempts at replicating a functional time machine. He also takes Bill Hawkes hostage, despite apparently never facing any criminal charges in the game's synopsis. "Big Luke" (later revealed to be "Clive") fits the tall, pale, skinny, aspie, aggressive introvert stereotype seen in most school shooters. Everyone seems to fucking love Claire. Dimitri's love for Claire is the primary motivation behind all of his time machine experiments. Don Paolo is jealous of Layton and want's his bear cock in Claire's Eurasian snatch. Layton doesn't even give a shit, as proven though his almost non-existent facial expressions and general lack of emotion, he just wants teh pusi. While infiltrating Dimitri's base, Layton discovers a young woman who bears almost identical resemblance to Claire who uses the pseudonym "Celeste". "Professor" Layton, however, doesn't realize this until she tells him so, because the Professor's beady little eyes can't figure out that it's actually his long-lost girlfriend, Claire. Holy shit, the "future" London is actually a massive underground replica which Clive constructed to fool the Professor. The clock shop is actually a giant elevator that transitions between the underground and the Earth's surface. This begs the question, "how the fuck can so many people be living in the "future" London without any suspicion as to their exact whereabouts?" It is revealed that Flora has an interest in murder-mystery novels.



Second Trilogy -
Last Specter
-
Miracle Mask
-
Azran Legacy
Last Specter
Professor Layton and the Last Specter.jpg

This is the first game in the prequel trilogy, the one that propagates Layton's rise to fame. We are introduced to the Professor's annoying stick-insect MLG-Pro assistant, Emmy Altava (Flora 1.0), the same bitch who will continue to make a fool out of herself over the next three games in the series. Layton explains to Emmy that he is headed towards the small English town name "Misthallery" after he received a letter from his close friend, Clarke Triton, indicating that a specter is attacking the village at night. The Professor soon finds out that this letter was actually authored by Clarke's special snowflake son, Luke. Luke insists on joining the Professor on his hard gay adventures through da hood, and solving the great mysteries of civilization (ie, why do Asians have slanted eyes?, why are niggers so dumb?)

By nightfall, a song plays through the town's entirety, prompting a huge badass motherfucker to destroy shit for the lulz. The next day, Professor Layton discovers that the Specter's Flute was auctioned to a man named Evan Barde, the biggest Jew in Britain, and the father of a stubborn loli named Arianna (no, not the IRL nigger-loving cumdumpster). Arianna refuses to talk to anyone, and is believed by the townspeople to be a witch. Curious about Evan Bardes' death, the Professor decides to ask the town's Chief of Police, "Chief Jakes", about the case files pertaining to Evan's fate. Chief Jakes is an insecure fat hunk of shit, and demands that Layton and his 10-year-old boyfriend leave the town within 24 hours. Layton pisses off Chief Jakes by refusing to GTFO and instead seeks to gain the trust of Arianna.

Arianna plays with the Specter's Flute, which causes a huge fucking whale-hambeast named Donna Simpson Loosha to rise from the lake. Chief Jakes abuses Loosha and gets the Professor v& straight into prison. Of course, being the super-intellectual freak of nature he is, he escapes and finds out that the supposed "Specter" that has wrecked havoc to the town at night is actually a robot. This discovery is exposed to the townspeople and Layton accuses Clarke Triton's butler, "Doland Noble", of being the perpetrator. And holy shit, it's actually Jean Descole in disguise, who held Clarke's butler and wife hostage just to piss him off further. When Descole's plan of mass destruction is revealed, he becomes Dr. Robotnik and tries to kill everyone with a giant machine. Loosha breaks down the floodgates of Misthallery's dam and floods the whole town, destroying Descole's uber-machine, and revealing the entrance to the Golden Gate. The Golden Gate is supposed to heal Arianna of her terminal illness, apparently, and Loosha dies in the process of leading Arianna to this location. Luke asks to become Layton's full-time buttbuddy, gets laid by Arianna, and heads back to London for some more tea and crumpets.

TL;DR - A giant whale sacrifices herself (itself?) to cure her/it's loli BFF from cancur.

Miracle Mask
Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask.jpg

Professor Layton in all new stunning 3D technology! Only available for the Nintendo 3DS. The chapters in this game alternate between two parts of Layton's life: His adolescence, and the present, which are 18 years apart. In the present, Layton and Luke are looking for a ghey nightclub in the city of Monte d'Or when the Masked Gentleman pwns the shit out of everyone by turning a bunch of poor fuckers into stone. The Masked Gentleman continues to troll Monte d'Or over the following nights (on one night he dispels gravity entirely and sends everybody into space). It's only until Layton confronts the Masked Gentleman at the Reunion Inn that he discovers the perpetrator is his old buttbuddy Randall. Randall kidnaps Luke for the lulz and then tries to flood Monte d'Or with sand. Layton dissects the Mask of Chaos and does some shit which causes the whole city to elevate, thus defeating Randall's master plan. Randall is so ashamed of himself that he tries to become An Hero but everyone saves him for some reason. Also, Jean Descole reappears in this game cosplaying Angela just to piss of Layton.

The second half of the story takes place 18 years before the events of the present time in Monte d'Or. Randall Ascot demands that Layton and Angela come over to his house after school to see a super spooky mask. When Angela BAWWWW's over the Mask of Chaos, Randall doesn't give a shit and takes his gay lover Layton on an expedition anyway. Randall (supposedly) dies on his journey while Layton finds a shit-ton of gold, but he keeps it a secret because he loves Randall so much. Randall's surrogate brother, Henry, spends all of his Jew money trying to find Randall but instead finds the golden stash and uses it to build Monte d'Or. Turns out Randall survived and was just too much of a pussy to come back home.

TL;DR - Some Anonymous asshole terrorizes a desert town in the middle of nowhere for the lulz.

Azran Legacy
Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy.jpg

Despite being the finale of the Prequel Trilogy games, this is by far the most boring one; gameplay-wise. Level 5 decided to convert back to the old 2D layout seen in every other game, after they realized how fucking awful the 3D graphics presented in Miracle Mask. This game finalizes the mysteries of the Azran's ancient civilization. Layton receives a letter from another Britfag archaeologist name Professor Sycamore, alerting him of the discovery of a so-called "mummy" frozen in ice. Layton, Luke and Emmy travel to Froenburg and meet up with Professor Sycamore where Layton somehow releases the mummy from her tomb using his super-duper clever-clog skillz. We learn that the "mummy" is actually a kawaii desu loli named "Aurora", and that she was an emissary of the Azran, along with being the last remaining Azran in da hole wurld. Some dickhead named Leon Bronev, head honcho of an organisation named "Targent", captures Aurora because he wants her so badly, but as always Layton saves the day and rescues her, but they end up falling into a shit-hole named "Lake Kodh", where there just so happens to be an Azran chamber underneath the lake. Aurora tells Layton and company that they need to retrieve five "Azran Eggs" from around the world to unlock the Azran Legacy.

This is where the really boring shit happens. This game forces you to travel to five meaningless areas in which each individual location only takes about an hour-or-so to complete (longer if you're a retard), followed by a heap of puzzle solving, mostly unnecessary and prolonged tasks, and other bullshit that the developers decided to throw in just to make the game last "a little bit longer". These sequences take up about half of the game's playing time, because once you have found all five Azran Eggs that's pretty much it. You have to sit through 20 minutes of cutscenes explaining Layton's heritage and stuff along with a really anticlimactic ending. The five locations are as follows:

  • Phong Gi - An mongoloid tribe somewhere in the jungle that probably smells like shit. The Azran Egg is obtained by making the chief rofl uncontrollably.
  • San Grio - A tropical island town where they nickname the Azran Egg as a "Popoño". The Popoño is passed around to the townsfolk as part of a tradition, but Layton ruins the fun by stealing it all for himself.
  • Torrido - This town is a re-enactment of the Wild West. Everyone is terrorized by a pissed off wolf named "Old Red", but because Luke can somehow communicate with animals he discovers that the wolf only harasses the townsfolk because he wants to see an old friend.
  • Hoogland (no, srs: [1]) - A town where giant deadly farts plague every street because an Azran machine is broken. When it's fixed, the townsfolk give the Egg to them.
  • Mossinia - A walled-off city where all of the adults are comatose, meaning the town is run by children.

Once all five Azran Eggs are recovered, Aurora tries to regain her memories, but finds out that one of the eggs is a load of plastic crap and doesn't work. Targent is in possession of the last egg. Layton follows Bronev to his headquarter's, where Layton reclaims the last Azran Egg and tries to talk Aurora out of committing suicide in a lulzy cutscene. Plot twist, Professor Sycamore is actually Jean Descole in disguise, which pisses the shit out of Layton and causes him to fight Descole using a pipe but Descole pussies-out of the fight and flies away. Layton and company return to the Froenburg where they released Aurora from her tomb in the beginning and try to stop Bronev fucking everything up, where Emmy backstabs the professor by holding Luke hostage, revealing that she is a member of Targent and that Leon Bronev is her "uncle". She and Bronev kidnap Aurora and take her to the center of the Earth while Descole forms an alliance with Layton just because he wants to seduce the loli.

Bronev stabs Aurora through the heart which unleashes the "Golems". The Golems are a collection of puppets that shoot lasers everywhere trying to be cool. To prevent mankind's annihilation, everyone sacrifices their lives by standing in front of some powerful lights that shut-down the whole sanctuary and the Golems, but everything's cool because Aurora just revives them and decides to kill herself, something she should have done a long time ago. Bronev gets arrested and Emmy cries like a bitch to Layton because she's a failure but Layton doesn't give a shit and takes off with Luke towards a Curious Village. Teh edn.

TL;DR - A magical girl takes the Professor on a world tour before killing herself and making Layton look like a huge faggot afterwards.


Movies[edit]

Professor Layton has also starred in his own feature length movie. Yes I laughed too. Bearing in mind, in Japan, there are now about a billion games in the Professor Layton series, it's only rule of thumb that their will be at least the same number of movies all featuring the gay backwards britfag, and yes there are even puzzles IN the movie, I fuck you not.

Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva

  • Imagine all the magic of Professor Layton, from your tiny 0.0001 inch DS screen, brought to life on the big screen. Well, the result it looks like a wet shit on a cloudy day, plus it isn't on the big screen, it's on your television, because Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva was such a success, it went straight to DVD. Bravo. The story is not worth mentioning to anyone who is even barely educated, all you have to know is that it doesn't even fucking have Stachenscarfen in it, so it isn't worth any of your time. If you are some sort of masochist, continue reading:


   
 
Layton receives a record in the mail from a famed opera singer, Jenis Quatlane. Layton remind Luke of their adventure with her, and the flashback begins. After the events of Professor Layton and the Specter's Flute, Layton receives a letter from a former student of his, Jenis Quatlane. Jenis writes that she is performing at an opera house called the Crown Petone, and there have been many strange things happening. In addition, two young girls from the London area have been reporting missing, and Jenis thinks its related to the strange things happening at her theatre. She includes two tickets, Layton and Luke attend, while Remi decides to stay back in London with Doctor Schrader in search of the missing girls. Layton and Luke arrive as the enormous Crown Petone theatre which was built on the Atlantic Ocean. Layton and Luke take seats in the front row, and enjoy the opera. After its over, Layton and Luke begin to clap, but the rest of the audience seems bored. Then, as the stage is cleared, a masked man comes out and begins talking about the Eternal Life. He says, we will all play a game, and whomever wins, will get the Eternal Life. Inspector Clamp Groski then goes to make an arrest on the masked man, to see the stage fall apart beneath him, dropping him into the ocean. The masked man then reveals the losers will die. The audience breaks into a mass panic, and its up to Layton and Luke to stop the masked man.
 

 
 

—TOW Plot Source

And then Shit hits the fan[edit]

So you're wondering, "ohmaigawd, how could this game get any worse" WELL HAVE NO FEAR! Crapcom decided to rear its ugly mug because Level 5 said that Professor Layton's personality was based off of Phoenix Wright. According to Capcom, whenever a developed makes a whisper about one of their belongings, IT MEANS A CROSSOVER (hence Deadpoop and Shoryuken, Ryo and SNK, etc). So Capcom knocked on their doors and assraped Level 5 into making a game with them since Capcom now has to steal other characters from other companies so that their shitty games can actually sell. BTW the game will be called Professor Layton vs. Turnabout Trial for all five of you who actually care.

Lady Layton: The Millionaire Ariadone's Conspiracy[edit]

Last Thursday, Level-5 announced a new game that would continue the Professor Layton series. But because it's 2016 and Social Justice fags are more prevalent than ever before, they decided to use a female protagonist; the professor's daughter!

The game involves Katrielle Layton, going on a quest to find her lost dad and solving puzzles with her lesbian friends. Yeah, it's quite obvious that this game is going to be shit.

Some Puzzles Professor Layton Cannot Solve[edit]

A screenshot of the exciting gameplay. This is the point where you turn off your DS, and go outside.
  • Antidisestablishmentarianism is a very complicated word. Spell it quickly out loud.

Answer: I-T

  • Do you fancy my girlfriend?

Answer: There is no answer for this which doesn’t lead to violence

  • A red house is made out of red bricks, a blue house is made out of blue bricks. What is a green house made of?

Answer: Glass... or green bricks, if you said glass.

  • Did you see Idiots Say No on the telly last night?

Answer: No... oh, right.

Answer: Here you OH SHI-

Professor Layton and the Malignant Growth[edit]

In 2008, Newgrounds/DevianTart user Skaijo created her own animation series about Professor Layton. As of September 2010, she has created six episodes.

<center>

"You have brain cancer"</center>
<center>

"FUCK has four letters in it!"</center>
<center>

"BASEBALL! Professah!"</center>
<center>

"Hey there, puddin' man!"</center>
<center>

"My name's LAKWESHA JACKSON!"</center>
<center>

Featuring an appearance by Chris Hansen.</center>

Gallery[edit]

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