Pseudocide

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Classic pseudocide from the tartlet B10-pitlover.

Pseudocide n. ('sü-(")dO"sId) is a term directly related to suicide. From the Greek prefix pseudo-, meaning false and the Latin suffix -cide, meaning something pertaining to the act of killing. Basically, pseudocide is a false threat of suicide.

Pseudocide relates to suicide in that it is the direct product of emo-erectus individuals belonging to online communities posting blogs, discussion forum posts and comments declaring the absolute need to pass themselves away in any fashion coinciding with suicide. Suicide and pseudocide differ by definition in that suicide means an individual successfully commits the act of killing themselves (see an hero), whereas with pseudocide, the individual threatens suicide but does not actually follow through; the individual does not even try. The individual committing pseudocide, in general, is an attention whore. They are looking to get compassion, empathy or big frilly pink hugs but only succeeds in bringing the lulz.

There is no such thing as threatening pseudocide: pseudocide in itself is an action. Anyone threatening suicide is, in fact, committing pseudocide. Only acting upon the premonition will result in changing categories from pseudocide to suicide.


How to Commit Pseudocide[edit]

This is a pseudocide but pulling the trigger moves you from the pseudocide category into the suicide category; you have succeeded in becoming an hero. Congratulations.
Remember, folks: Down the road, not across the street! Do something right for once in your life!

Pseudocide in itself is not physical. Pseudocide is a verbal, written or even non-verbal action, like when a 13 year old emo tells everyone he/she is going to slit his/her wrists. Pathetic, right? To fully enhance your cybergalactic adventure, the best way to commit pseudocide is to create a new thread within a discussion forum with over 4385249075 members, create a new post in your blog or online journal or to phone a friend saying you are attempting suicide even though you don't have the balls to do it. If you have company at the time of your pseudocide commitment, you may choose to tell those around you verbally, but the BEST lulz are resulted from committing pseudocide via the internet. Please post it, we don't really give a damn, but it's funny as hell!

You may commit pseudocide with full intention of committing suicide but the inability to follow through will leave you left in the pseudocide category. This author suggests that you at least swallow some pills [preferably more than 50 as anything less is child's play] or cut yourself were there is a large vein, preferably on your neck, in order to move from pseudocide to attempted suicide. If you change your mind after committing pseudocide you may choose to take a few too many sleeping pills or a derivative of some kind of pain killer (Read: Percocet.) This will in turn make your attempt real and move you into the attempted suicide category. Although your inability to follow through will still bring lulz to many, being stuck in the pseudocide category will eventually bring much more pain and suffering, considering no one loves you anymore. Not saying they ever did love you, either.

Almost Died[edit]

Near death experiences, while not uncommon in today's world and experienced by people through no fault of their own other than shitty luck, are mostly exploited by 13 year old girls and 13 year old boys who during their bouts of depression say or do things to convince other people that they have hurt themselves fatally. While some of the attempts are real and a sign that the person in question needs serious help, because they tried to fucking kill themselves, but most of the time it's nothing more than bluffing to try and get attention, pity, sympathy, or gifts from overcaring, stupid ass and abundantly gullible friends that have no better shit to attend to.

Definitions[edit]

Almost Almost (All most) - def. Nearly to the attained goal but not reaching it.

Sentence: The climbers of Mount Everest almost made it to the top, but instead, they froze to death. Poor Chinese people, they never had a chance.


Died Died (dide) - def. To have experienced death, to have become dead, to have expired like your grandma's ass, to have left this mortal coil to the afterlife/faded away. Just like any intelligence that you may have ever owned.

Sentence: When my dog ran out into the street and was run over by a truck, he died.


Almost Died Almost Died (All most dide) - def. To nearly attain the state of having become dead.

Sentence: When depressed little emo Shirley was grounded for not having done the dishes, she cut herself and almost died before the paramedics got there.

The History of Pseudocide[edit]

This is a real conversation with Juztice Moon. Juztice Moon is the person that first contributed the word pseudocide to an eating disorder community where several members have committed pseudocide. Juztice may or may not have been drunk at the time of this interview. We make no apologies and accept no liability for the moronic shit that will doubtlessly follow.

  • Interviewer* How did you come up with the term pseudocide?
  • Juztice Moon* Well, I was out at the bar playing darts one night and chatting on AIM with a friend on my cell phone. We were talking about the outburst of suicide threats recently that had resulted in nothing. I don't remember exactly what was said but I remember mentioning the word pseudocide and the rest is history. The word has become part of the vocabulary of many of my friends and I on AIM and occasionally on the forum.
  • Interviewer* Was pseudocide called anything else prior to being 'pseudocide'
  • Juztice Moon* No. Not really. I had really quick thoughts in my head that night and I remember quazicide briefly moving through my thought process but pseudocide just made more sense. I think the fact that it sounds so similar was a big part of it. Many people can't tell the difference when you say pseudocide or suicide - unless you enunciate, which I am unable to do when I have been drinking.
  • Interviewer* So the word pseudocide was used on AIM prior to it's arrival at the forum?
  • Juztice Moon* That is correct. In fact, that was the night when one of our fellow forum members had committed pseudocide. Aforementioned person said that they will not be making a meet that was coming up during their committed pseudocide rampage. After I was told about that I also coined the following: I WIL NAWT MAEK MEET. I WIL B DED. After that almost anytime anyone sends me a message on AIM one of the first questions they have for me is WIL U MAEK TEH MEET? To which I reply NO, I WIL B DED. It really is a very monumental part of the history of my friends and I. It will never be forgotten. Now that this page is being made there is absolutely no way that it will be forgotten. brb need moar beerz
  • Juztice Moon* Ok I'm back.
  • Interviewer* Welcome back. What was it that made this night different from other times that people had committed (what we now know as) pseudocide on the forum?
  • Juztice Moon* Well, I think a lot of it was because I was drinking. I like the prefixes pseudo- and quazi- and it just kind of came to me. My head is more clear when I've been drinking and the other times when people have committed pseudocide I might have not been in the right frame of mind. PS. I'm listening to Nirvana right now. Just so you know.
  • Interviewer* So I herd you liek mudkip
  • Juztice Moon* Oh, I love mudkip. I have to bounce my next rent check to get mudkip feetie pajamas.
  • Interviewer* Fuckin' A
  • Juztice Moon* So I take it you are not a fan of mudkip?
  • Interviewer* I LIEK MUDKIP
  • Juztice Moon* Plz explain your Fuckin' A, plz
  • Interviewer* I don't feel the need to have to explain myself
  • Juztice Moon* I said plz.
  • Interviewer* Are you older than 18?
  • Juztice Moon* mentally or physically?
  • Interviewer* I just want to know. The last time I thought someone was 18, Chris Hansen came out and owned me
  • Juztice Moon* you mean he PWND u
  • Interviewer* YES

See Also[edit]


Pseudocide is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

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Aaron SwartzAdam LanzaAlexis ArquetteAmanda ToddAmy WinehouseAnal CuntAndy KaufmanAngry GrandpaAnna Nicole SmithBill HicksBrandon CrispBrian AdamsCharmaine DragunChester BenningtonChloe SagalChris BenoitChristopher ClearyChris Harper-MercerChynaCodey PorterDavid BowieDavid CarradineDavid KatzDimebag DarrellEazy-EEdaremEdd GouldEdgar Allan PoeElliot RodgerElvis PresleyEmer PrevostGene RayGeorge CarlinGeorge SodiniGizgizHappyCabbieHarambeHeath LedgerJason BowenJeff WeiseJewWarioJim MorrisonJohn LennonKate SpadeKatelyn Nicole DavisKitty0706Kurt CobainLeelah AlcornLemonade CoyoteLil PeepLiloMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiPekka-Eric AuvinenPrinceRandy StairRdtheproductionsRehtaeh ParsonsRicardo LopezRipperRobin WilliamsRudolph ZurickScout SchultzShawn WoolleyShayStan LeeStephen HawkingStephen HillenburgStephen PaddockSteve StephensTony48219TooDamnFilthyTupacTyler DumstorfVerne TroyerVester FlanaganVidmeWilliam AtchisonZippcast

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