Québec

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Québec, also known as French Canædia, is a land of fucked-up lazy alcoholics who speak French so badly that no true Frenchman could ever hope to understand them. It is the most socialist and thus the poorest of all provinces in Canædia and, in all circumstances, it is ALWAYS butthurt because no one is giving it the special attention it deserves. It is the glory hole of Canada.

Quebecois bitch about pancakes, they bitch about Cuntmerica, they bitch about the giant stinky vags of their mothers and girlfriends, they bitch about not getting enuf disgusting moose porn. And the Actual French absolutely hate Quebequeers, because they are all fat and lazy and right-wing.

History[edit]

French military strategy in New France
What most Quebecois were doing during WWII

New France was founded by a pack of mentally deranged Frenchmen who hunted Furries and sold their skins back to libertines in Metropolitan France. In the early years of the French colony, the colonists complained to the King of France that since they had no women, they were forced to rape disgustingly clean native females or have awkward homosexual intercourse with each other in the bushes in order to satisfy their sexual urges (Being good catholics, the priests and bishops were always very eager to satisfy the young boys' urges). To remedy this situation, one of the King's ministers (The King himself being to busy with his orgies at Versailles) had a few thousand French whores forcibly shipped to the colony. This explains why women in Quebec are so eager to suck cock on first dates.

Following the traditional French strategy of procrastinating, eating snails boiled in cognac past midnight and subsequently having the troops disperse to brothels, French military forces were unable to successfully defend New France against Limey aggressions. After the usual catastophic French military defeat and surrender, New France was ceded to the Crown of England. The Britfags were happy to let these North American Frenchfags be run by the Catholic Church, which kept the population illiterate, thriving and full of papal-prescribed faggotry.

However, these North American Frenchmen have been quite a burden on the English since then. Constantly demanding "special rights" and/or complaining about descrimination, they have failed to evolve into a productive, modern society. They are effectively the white niggers of America. The best solution up to now has been to grant them a province (Quebec), but for the federal government to declare martial law every 30 or so years to prevent them from establishing a fascist dictatorship on themselves.


During World War II

Skipping forward 100 years, although Canædia joined World War II on the Allied side, the Quebecois, admirers of Hitler's mustache and policies, dodged the draft and joined to the popular Blueshirt movement - a attempt to mimic the Brownshirts, or SA. After the War, The Quebecois hypocritically gloated that they had been the bleeding edge avant-garde of the anti-nazi crusade, which is uncannily similar to what the French did as a National Smokescreen campaign and overcompensation mechanism in reaction to their blatant and willing cooperation with the Third Reich. The entire Blueshirt episode has been carefully scrubbed out of Quebec's History. Be sure to mention it for extra confusion and lulz.


The Quiet Revolution

Albert Guay and his lovely wife

In the 1950's, a visionary in Quebec started the "blow up a civilian plane for the lulz" fad. In the 1960's, the Quebecois started smoking massive amounts of weed and suddenly realized going to church and listening to pedophiles lecture them on morality just wasn't that interesting anymore. Because of this and because they speak a bastardized form of French, they think highly of themselves and consider their "society" to be unique and special.

Quebec will finally secede in 2043 under Lieutenant-Général Ghyslain Raza, the most athletic Quebecois.

Le référendum de 1995

Not surprisingly, les Quebecois look down on the non-Quebecois. Quebec has tried to amputate itself from Canædia several times. The latest was in 1995 when they held a referendum to secede and become the utopian République Populaire de Poutine. Naturally, people went fucking nuts. The voter turnout was 93 percent, because the other 7 percent had been beaten to death by hockey sticks during referendum debates. In the end the anglo-Canadians ultimately pwned the Quebecois. Out of almost 5 million votes, the Quebecois (Nationalistfags) lost by a hilariously small margin of victory: just 54,000 votes, a mere 0.58%. To piss off the Quebecois even more, it was discovered that 86,000 ballots were rejected because they were unattractive. The Quebecois went even more fucking nuts and sued everyone, demanding access to personally inspect all 5 million ballots. This went on for five fucking years until they lost their final lawsuit, but they will not stop their plans to secede from Canædia, North America, and then the planet.


Government & Politics[edit]

The horrible truth, bravely reported by the only newspaper worthy of that name in Quebec: The Gazette
Denis Lortie was the last hope for Quebec
Richard Henry Bain tried to save Canada after reading the Montreal Gazette

Quebecois politics are characterized by a constant stream of 1st world post-industrialized psycho-drama. Half of Quebecois (federalistfags) admire the USA and secretly wish they weren't despicable Quebecois. The other half, the Nationalistfags, forever wish to secede from Canædia to establish a fascist French-only Republic. The Nationalistfags will likely fail in their endeavor. Their former chief, in a moment of drunken candor, put it bluntly after losing his referendum to secede, when he told a crowd of more than 200,000 disappointed nationalistfags that they had been cheated of their victory because of Jew gold and the nigger vote (in French: "l'argent et le vote ethnique").

Numerous scientific studies (Ernest editorials in the Montreal Gazette) have demonstrated that an independent Quebec would immediately become a failed state which would proceed to Goatse itself into a vortex of fail, hurt, AIDS, brutal ethnic cleansing and zombie apocalypses. The vast majority of Quebecois are unaware of these studies, because they are too drunk and too French to read the Montreal Gazette. Thus, only Quebec's anglophone population is keenly aware of the severe dangers of an independent Quebec. From time to time, a responsible reader of the Montreal Gazette, such as Richard Henry Bain, will try to save Canada.

There was a brief period of hope when acting-General Denis Lortie, a brilliant and charismatic man, staged a military coup in the Quebecois parliament. A brave man, Lortie field-promoted himself general (from corporal) before storming the parliament building with his one man army and a surprisingly inaccurate SMG. The government quickly capitulated as Lortie was the only man in the building with a gun. As supreme despot, he promised to clean up Quebec politics, show some freakin' respect for the Queen, outlaw nationalistfag political parties and... some other stuff a REAL leader would do. Unfortunately, he was unable to finish his inauguration speech as his dentures fell out (for realz!) mid-sentence. This blow the image of the new regime forced Lortie to stand down and restored the dysfunctional democracy Quebec still has today. As everywhere in the developed world, Jews are the puppet masters and exploit the faggotry of the Quebecois democracy to amass fabulous amounts of Jew Gold. In Quebec, this is done in the huge abandoned Montreal Olympic Stadium. Despite being repeatedly warned by friendly Shish-Taouk street vendors, the Quebecois still think of the Jews as greedy bakers of delicious bagels. As of now, the Quebecois are only moderately anti-Semitic, but as more and more new ideas flow into the province, it is quite possible that they become batshit insane anti-Semitic and learn the truth!

The two main political parties that scam the Quebecois into voting for them every election season have rather simple political programs that are summed up here:


Economy[edit]

A lazy drunk Quebecois insults an Anglo-Canadian on his way to work. A typical scene in Quebec.
Dirty sandniggers are almost the only people to do any work in Quebec. It's not that they want to: it's just that they haven't figured out how to leech on hard-working Anglo-Canadians yet.

The economy of Quebec is based on three pillars, the most important of which consist of huge Federal transfers to the Province. Essentially, the Quebecois, too lazy too work, innovate, vote, shower or even sober up, rely on a system euphemistically called "Equalization payments", but which are in reality the product of hard working English Canadians transformed into perpetual welfare checks for the sleazy Quebecois. In other words: Alberta works so that Quebec doesn't have to.


Péladeau demands compensation for his product.
The second pillar of the Quebecois economy is centered on a Jew con man who goes by the obviously made-up name of "Pierre-Karl Péladeau". He runs a media empire that controls 95% of every television station, book, magazine, newspaper and website in Quebec. His avowed philosophy is that "Converging different media is a easy as pumping sewer or shit. You just have to get the pump working." Imagine listening to the same Céline Dion song over and over, 24 hours a day, for a whole week and you get a good idea of the cultural scene in Péladeau's Quebec. The Quebecois, already culturally impoverished, have not fared well under bossman Péladeau's rule. In fact, there have been reports of some Quebecois giving up on civilization altogether and attempting to climb back up the trees.

Update: Péladeau is running for the office of Prime Minister of Quebec. He wants it ALL, Berlusconi style.

The third pillar of the Quebecois economy consist of the foreigners that have settled in Montreal. Most Quebecois are closet racist and will rant on and on in private about how the "Môdi araubes" are polluting their Great Distinct Society. However, the little brown bastards are actually LESS lazy than the Quebecois and, with the Italian mafia, they are one of the main job creators in Quebec.



Culture[edit]

In Quebec, tourists are often abducted, surgically altered and sold as pets. Don't worry: they are well fed.

The movie Tusk sums up everything one needs to know about Quebecois culture.

And don't forget the maple syrup thefts. The rest of the world steals valuable minerals and objects but the Quebecueers steal fucking pancake syrup. The bastards even have a "Maple Syrup Reserve" so they can run a cartel and control prices. Be glad you don't live in a province that worships tree sap.



Education[edit]

Quebec has recently (Spring of 2012) caught the attention of the world media because of massive street protests staged by college and university students across the province. Of course, here, at ED, you will understand exactly what is a stake because of all of our anon asspies diligently working to gather information on the subject. Apparently, the core of the matter lies in the very different nature of the two types of college/university students in Quebec, which are briefly described here:


YOLO! My Moneyz!

The "YOLO! I want moneyz and screw the rest!" type student.

a. These students are not politically active (they don't give a shit).
b. They will likely have a job when they graduate.
c. They are illiterate douches who would die of a seizure if forced to read a book.
d. They are unable to understand the complex narratives of Archie Comics (but they try real hard).
e. They know nothing outside of their micro-domain of expertise.
f. They would idolize Donald Trump if they knew who he was.
g. They all believe owning an iPhone is an inalienable human right.
h. It is estimated that they will all be replaced by Mexicans equipped with the Google Graduate© brain implant by 2023.

YOLO! Street orgy!

The "YOLO! College must be 100% free and full of parties!" type student

a. These students are politically active (they are tools of the unions and leftist parties)
b. They study in jobless domains such as literature, history, sociology, anthropology, etc.
c. They want to bankrupt the state so that they can stay in college indefinitely for free.
d. They read Gilles Déleuze, Michel Foucault and Jacques Lacan.
e. They pretend to understand these bullshit authors (OMGZ! Déleuze is soooo right: psychosis is a protest against capitalism!)
f. They all believe owning an iPhone is an inalienable human right.
g. Their ideal life is that of Foucault: to write texts that are meant to look "deep" but that are void of meaning, to support every regime that opposes the US, to be gay in the US and finally, to die of AIDS.
h. They get naked in the streets of Montreal (Note to non-Quebecois: protests often degenerate into street orgies due to the slutty nature of Quebecois females. This means YOU might get laid if you come study in Quebec for a semester. Then again, it is YOU... so maybe not.)
i.They refuse to let students who don't give a shit study and trow smoke bombs in the Metros because people don't have their own shit to care about.

People[edit]

In Montreal, Sandniggers will try anything to sell you their disgusting mystery meat.

There are a great variety of people in Quebec:

How to Troll a Quebecois[edit]

  • Show your admiration for Stephen Harper
  • Say you don't quite understand their French
  • Openly support Israel
  • Tell them their lack of animal protection laws breeds psychopaths
  • Call them "nègres blancs" (white niggers)
  • Remind them they would be poor without the rest of Canædia
  • Point out that they are still a part of the British Empire
  • Tell them they stood idly by in 1776
  • Ask them to remind you exactly how much they lost by in the 1995 referendum
  • Remind them that their ancestors were a bunch of faggots and prostitutes
  • Tell them Quebec looks a lot like any typical US state
  • Call them Kuh-Beckers
  • Tell them Quebec is a britfag-owned land (works wonders)
  • Mention that Britney Spear's Vegas show is way better than Céline Dion's
  • Tell them to "Speak White!" (for extra lulz!)
  • Remind them they're Canadian
  • Wear a Boston Bruins shirt in public during hockey seasons (bonus points if the Montreal Canadiens lost again)

Gallery[edit]

Quebec Gallery About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

Québec
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Soviet Canuckistan
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People
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