Real Life Super Hero
|Tothian found this really cool website called Encyclopedia Dramatica. It's fun for networking.|
There are quite a few practices that you will stumble across while you are surfing the internet which will make you pause and ask yourself: “This cannot be real, can it?” Phenomena such as Furfaggotry, Scientology, and infantilism often bring internet users to such moments, and the conclusion is almost always “this has got to be a troll.”
Prepare yourself for another one of these moments when you discover the Real Life Super Hero Registry. Yes, this is correct. There are people out there, dressed in spandex tights and long capes, who think that they are actually real life super heroes. In fact, they are so proud of this, they have their own online registry where they document their adventures, talk about crime fighting tools, and post ridiculous pictures of themselves dressed up in their crime-fighting gear.
- 1 The Phenomena
- 2 The Site
- 3 Forum
- 4 The Real Life Super Heroes
- 5 Quotes
- 6 In The News
- 7 Gallery
- 8 Video
- 9 See Also
- 10 External Links
At first glance, the casual reader might think that this sort of behavior is related to furfaggotry or to some sort of cosplay. Nothing can be further from the truth, at least to those who actually partake in these super-heroic endeavors. These folks, through massive head injury, psychosis, or extended drug use (paint huffing in particular), actually believe that they are superheroes. What is worse is that they want YOU to believe it as well and any snickering or disbelief is met with open hostility.
One enterprising super hero enthusiast has taken it into his mind to classify all of the several Real Life Super Heroes, dividing them up by the type of hero they are. Some are "community crusaders," while others are "modern warriors", but the only thing you need to remember about these guys is that all of them are either 14 year-old kids, fresh out of a mental institution, in need of heavy medication, or some sort of closet fan-boy. It is also a pretty good bet that if any of these people ever actually tried to stop a crime, they would wind up beaten to death. They also seem unaware that society already has established ways for people to contribute to it. These are generally referred to as "jobs" or "volunteer work", and they are usually kept organized and efficient by "firms" and "volunteer organizations", respectively. In particular, police officers have long-established, effective ways of stopping and preventing crimes, and are even required to go through training before they can do so, making the resulting police force even more effective. Maybe if these noble heroes with their admirable intentions knew about such phenomena, they would realize how unnecessary it is for them to dress up in costumes and interrupt rapists.
Real Life Super Heroes separate themselves from real heroes by putting on wacky costumes when they patrol your neighborhood. While some of these costumes are quite elaborate, other costumes are downright goofy. These people also feel the need to carry utility belts to aid in their crime fighting. One such hero named “Terrifica” sports a belt and lists its contents as such:
This section's blank. None of these people have ever had sex… and I mean ever.
...well unless of course their a Furry superhero. then they have lots of furpile sex after their day spent making an ass out of themselves
The site is an eyesore. Broken URLs, lost images, gaudy flaming backgrounds…these things are the norm on the world superhero registry. The site’s webmaster himself states that he lacks the time and the technical ability to actually put something half way decent up, but that is probably because he is out there, at night, fighting crime. It has several sections, each one funnier than the last:
Super Hero Registry
Here is the actual roster of the various known Real Life Super Heroes. On this page, you will be given super hero information such as the category of the hero, their activity level, their region of operation and their arch enemies (if they have one). The page is broken up into many colorful boxes which divide up each of the more greater known heroes, but there are also sections for retired heroes and heroes in training. Some of the names of these idiots have to be parodies of parodies. For example, check out Angle Grinder Man’s entry.
The FAQ page is pretty lame. It reads like a mission statement dictated from one retard to another with stock answers given in a written monotone that resembles 1950’s era cartoon super hero banter. One exception to this rule is where the webmaster explains that he is not role-playing, but that this is, in fact quite real:
The registry is so serious about this point, and so distrustful of trolls, they will not allow new members to join up if there is even a whiff of a hint that the applicant may be a role-player. These people mean business.
What happens when you try to interview somebody incarcerated within an insane asylum? Pretty much the same thing that you get when you try to interview one of the members of the World Super Hero Registry.
—Superhero “Entomo” when asked what he does IRL
And just like an insane asylum, there are vastly different flavors of insanity. The following interview answer was supplied by “Terrifica,” who is a female superhero and possibly a lesbian activist in her real life alter ego:
—Terrifica wants young women to masturbate.
It also sounds like she was either raped by another superhero named “Fantastico” or at least got a shitty date out of the deal. Here, she goes on a disjointed rant about how she woke up raw and exposed:
—Or maybe he just fucked her in the ass and then never called her back.
The last interview on the page is pretty boring. It is with a guy who calls himself “Captain Jackson” who basically just walks around at night with a can of mace in his pocket. Things finally heat up when it is announced by the webmaster that Captain Jackson was assaulted by some criminals while he was on patrol.
—This is dangerous…son, do not do what I do.
Real Life Super Hero Organizations
As if things couldn’t get worse, not only do these people dress up in tights and wander around your neighborhood at night, they also band together and do it in “super teams” much like the Justice League of America or the X-Men. I would tell you what the contents of the page are, but since the HTML coding is so fucked up, nobody can read it, I will only include a screen shot of the desperate levels of failure that the page invokes.
—R.O.A.C.H. has a position for you!
This page deals with the batshit groupies that wish to glom onto the Real Life Super Heroes. One such groupie, a Ms. Tora Lopez, who looks like a crime victim, wishes to help out:
—This chick is also a furry.
Besides having a furry within their community, they also have at least one BDSM enthusiast who also appears to moonlight as a locksmith:
—Who cares if it's useless against stabbing, shooting, or even getting hit by a bat? It can stop...sword wielding villains. Maybe.
Have you ever wanted to build and use your own net gun? Now’s your chance! The tutorials page also includes advice on costumes, stun guns, stun gloves, surveillance items, homing transmitters, maintaining your secret identity, and how to work in a lawful manner within your community, since most of this stuff is illegal and will probably end up with you getting a beat-down from the local police force.
- Build a Net Gun
- Modern Armor
- Stun Gun Schematic
- Buy a Net Gun
- Beeping Transmitter kit
- Tracking Transmitter
In the interest of sanity, and legality, Encyclopedia Dramatica wishes, at this time, to offer a small disclaimer concerning Real Life Super Hero Tutorials: if you wish to pull on spandex pants, go out in the middle of the night and act like batman, nobody is going to stop you. If you think you are Rorschach and can stop a bullet with a net gun, be our guest. Finally, if you manage to kill somebody or in the process of stopping a crime manage to get yourself killed, please send all videos, mp3 files, and images to Encyclopedia Dramatica. If you are ever arrested, or in any serious danger, please email the webmaster of the World Superhero Registry at the following link: [email protected] He also wants you to get in touch with him if you ever find a really cheap outlet store that carries Kevlar material.
The site’s mission statement (much like the rest of the site) reads like a very old comic book script. When reading it, it is probably best practice to read it out loud in your deepest “Superman” voice. Saying “up, up, and AWAAAAAY” can be added for that extra special touch of authenticity.
I like that last part about leaving hookers alone. Or the early part that mentions the possibility of assaulting undercover cops.
This page, you would think, should be full of all sorts of interesting stories about how these idiots deal with the law enforcement departments in their area, but since most of them are 14 year old boys with Kittypride/Wonder Woman masturbation fantasies, all you are going to get is a brief blurb from a law student offering his services in case you manage to get in trouble. Oh, and since he is Canadian, good luck to all the Americans who manage to get busted by their mothers while jacking off to the latest rule 34 image of Silk Spectre. I highly doubt a Canadian law student can get you out of a two week’s grounding from the PlayStation.
The World Super Hero Registry’s forum is at least professionally done. That is, you can read the actual words these people are typing out on a singular word by word basis. Stringing those words together in a sane and rational theme is another story. While the forum is mostly dead and has been snowed under by spam-bot messages selling Mexican Viagra and Panamanian Allegra, there are some gems to be found within the several subforums. Below, you will find some examples of the kinds of posts you will find on the World Super Hero Registry’s forum:
From the thread What have you done?
—Superhero The Black Mantis
—Superhero Screaming Eagle, who is in your house.
From the thread “How To Be a Crime Fighter” which is basically a list of myths and realities. The original site that was linked in the first post is thankfully gone from the internet, but one user archived the whole thing in the thread:
—Just in case you think you are a superhero.
—Sound advice, and not just for super hero antics either!
From the thread “I am putting together a superhero team” where mystery67 explains his needs:
—What. The. Fuck.
This forum is just a bunch of kids arguing about who has the rights to use which superhero names and who is going to sue who in case somebody steals their really cool ideas.
From the thread hello pplz…im back to tell you”
—Christ, it’s not like you are G.I. Joe or something.
Oh god, somebody posted some fan fiction too.
The Secret Identities forum is pretty much a bunch of kids talking about how they can levitate their small, white penises, but there are some serious people there as well, and they are funnier than the kids. There are also multiple posts about how to keep your identity secret: From the thread “Identities”
—If you want to be taken seriously…
The Rest of the Forums
Don’t bother with them. Even though the forum is still active as of this writing, most of the sub-boards are crushed under huge amounts of spam postings that advertise prescription drugs. If you want to purchase these sorts of drugs, you may want to visit them…and they also have the distinct ability to be a bit less boring than the active subforums.
The Real Life Super Heroes
No study of this phenomena would be complete without giving examples of some of these morons. Below you will find a brief synopsis of them, pictures, links, and perhaps contact information, should you wish to email them and tell them just how proud you are of them.
Warning: This guy really wanted Encyclopedia Dramatica to know he existed, considering he used this page for free advertising for three years.
Fashioning his thin frame with an oily ponytail, Tothian patrols *Wherever he's from* with the composure of that guy who massages sleeping passengers' breasts on a plane. Instead of making friends in kindergarten, Tothian- he doesn't want you to know his real name- has spent his entire cognoscente life patrolling the neighborhood, hoping to get gang-raped one of these days. After
dropping out of graduating from a military high school at sixteen, and joining the Marines at 17, he has served for years as President of the Heroes Network. His superpower is that he doesn't have testicles, so kicking him in the crotch is encouraged in his book.
—The thrilling apex of Tothian's career, when he discovered his spirit animal.
He also wants you to contact him. Did I say that right, Supreme Leader Tothian?
- Tothian's Blog
- Tothian on Twitter
- Tothian on YouTube
- Tothian on MySpace
- Tothian on Tumblr
- Tothian on Facebook
—They let this guy have a blog.
This guy looks like a real sinister hombre. His black costume is adorned with a white symbol that resembles the Zodiac Killer’s cross-glyph. His identity is secret, but that shouldn’t stop you from seeing him at the local 7-11 where he has the double duties of running the Slushie machine and making sure 12 year-olds don’t rip off all the beef jerky. He is also a member of the “Black Monday Society” which sounds like a cross between a militant black activist group from the 60s and a weekly meeting of an elderly sewing circle. His gallery entry lists three websites by which you can contact him, but none of them work.
—Superhero “Entomo” who isn’t creepy at all.
If things couldn’t get worse, now there is a guido superhero. Entomo hails from Italy and is a very active superhero as confirmed by the local media. In reality, he is a 32 year old failure who lives with his parents in Naples. Recently, he quit the internet forever, stating “I am officially OUT OF THE ONLINE MESS.” This is probably because the criminal scum in his area found out that he couldn’t code a web page to save his own life and beat the living shit out of him for wandering around at night:
—He promises to come back as a superhero in 2010.
—Trust me, people aren’t snickering at the justice.
He isn’t “the” ghost, he is GHOST, which is pretty damn cool. It’s too bad nobody in their right mind would want to be rescued by this creep, much less have this goth/speed-metal wannabe around doing surveillance in their neighborhood. In any event, he does just that, patrolling Salt Lake City, Utah dressed up like a cross between a goth and a fairy. He is a 24 year old Sagittarius who has a high school education and is confirmed active by the Registry and has made small media appearences. He is also a member of that revolutionary black power faction known as “Black Monday Society.” Contact:
With a name like that, you are begging to be called a lesbian. Amazonia is the founder of “Vixens of Valour” which really means “survivors of being touched by daddy.” She is active in the New York City area but somehow manages to patrol the streets of Ocala, Florida. She is here to protect the innocent, keep order, and hit on your girlfriend after a few drinks at the bar.
—Can you take up the mantle of “back to the kitchen” please?
See that guy over there? He calls himself The Eye™ and makes sure to use that trademark in case somebody steals all his cool ideas. The Eye™ is a 51 year old creep who fancies himself as a street-level, practical crime fighter, who uses various electronic and other means to prevent crime. What that means is he probably has a webcam focused on his next door neighbor’s shower window. He hails from northern California and claims to have many years experience as a private investigator who uses electronics. So yes, this guy is basically the type of old creepy man who takes pictures of people cheating on their wives and roots through underwear drawers for a living. Also, he happens to be married to another superhero:
—Wasn’t 1973 the year “Enter the Dragon” came out?
—Actually, no. I was unaware that you existed until you and your idiot friends put a website up about yourselves.
Besides having a superhero name that resembles “nostril,” this guy looks exactly like a serial rapist. Black trench coat, black fedora, white tie, KKK hood…I think he’s seen “The Watchmen” one too many times. He patrols the state of Louisiana and states that he does so at night. Right, that’s because it’s easier to get away with rape if your victim is bewildered by darkness…and your fat, black hooded face.
—While helping yourself to that extra Twinkie.
Possibly the biggest idiot out of all the "heroes", DANGERMAN is a middle aged black person who's only actual superpowers are teaching kids about reading, eating healthy, not smoking crack, and being dumb enough to think the kids care. DANGERMAN is to be typed in all caps because the ghetto is serious business. To top off the whole "old man in a blue spandex suit" thing, this guy is stupid enough to have had his online profiles phished at least 4 times. If this man is really running around the inner cities of America dressed like this, it's only a matter of time before he is either gunned down or shanked.
In The News
Phoenix Jones chases away a carjacker. The carjacker was of course a black guy.  News Article comments:
—Recent mugging victim who was unsuccessfully rescued by a hero.
- The World Super Hero Registry
- Nemesis, the friendly neighborhood assassin.
- Amateur crimefighters are surging.
- Superheroes gaining in popularity.
- Another, better built website about superheroes.
- Real Life Super Hero Map
- Another RLSH forum
- Super Hero Blog
- Super Hero supply store
|Real Life Super Hero is part of a series on Internet Humanitarianism|
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|Featured article May 4, 2010|
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