Red Sox Nation
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—Hank Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees Universe.
<video type="youtube" id="tJiKPgRwWoM" width="200" height="200" desc="Terry Francona attempts to explain why the Red Sox suck." frame="true" position="right"/> Red Sox Nation is a loosely organized group of pedophiles created in the Autumn of 2004 that live in the greater Boston area that enjoy watching terrible baseball. It was once thought (circa 2004-2007) that this organization was larger, even extending out from the Massachusetts area, however, new information has been gathered, shrinking the originally outrageous membership numbers down to a much smaller base of kiddie touchers.
Sharing a dual love of baseball and young boys, Red Sox nation members can be seen in such wonderful places as the Yolo County jail and on the set of the wildly popular television show “To Catch a Predator.” This pack of goons can also be seen in about any bar or tavern in town. Wearing their favorite baseball cap, beer/vomit stained jerseys, and understanding nothing about the actual game they profess to love.
<video type="youtube" id="QKgs1rqbIJ4" width="200" height="200" desc="An in-depth study of an average Red Sox Nation whore." frame="true" position="right"/>
<video type="youtube" id="jafuEeJrKZc" width="200" height="200" desc="Big Papi, thinking he has a homerun, starts showboating on the way to first base." frame="true" position="right"/>
There are several symptoms noticeable when you first encounter a member of the Red Sox nation. Aside from the undeniable stench of failure, there are many other abnormalities evident:
- Complaining about how much money other baseball teams spend.
- Wearing a t-shirt that says "Bucky Fucking Dent" even though Bucky Dent hasn't played professional baseball since 1984.
- Sucking up to Kevin Youkilis, who, despite the fact that he has not been proved to be a pedophile, certainly looks like a one.
- Putting forth the theory that a baseball team can be effected by a curse...rather than just playing really bad baseball for the last 86 years.
- Cried during Fever Pitch.
- You are the shortest person in Major League Baseball.
- You have the "Ortiz" jersey on, but you don't know what country he's from.
- Your favorite slogan is "Losing builds character!"
- If you have ever had a "Manny Moment" ever in your life.
- Your favorite movie is Gigli.
- The mere mention of the words "babe" and "Ruth" in a sentence gives you a
sickly cold shiver along your spine.a tingle up your leg.
- Your name is Bill Simmons and you work for ESPN.
- Your 2004 starting World Series roster has nobody from your system.
- You are quite skilled at blowing it more than one time.
- You have racist tendencies.
- You PAHKT YAH CAH VERY FAH FROM THE BAH. Translation: "You parked your car very far from the bar."
- Despite being called "the greatest hitter of all time," you only managed to hit .200 in post season play...and even worse in World Season play.
- You can somehow rationalize a 30 year old athlete throwing a 70 year old man to the ground.
- You wear a capital "C" on your jersey, proving that you have confused hockey with baseball.
- Stephen King writes a horror novel about your shitty team.
- You feel the need to re-create "STOMP" in your bullpen with a set of spoons or an empty water bottle.
- You can't stand seeing a CC Sabathia jersey.
- You are as funny as Jimmy Fallon...or a morgue.
The Hobbit Reacts
Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox second baseman hates his hometown for several reasons. Before the incident where his brother was arrested for sucking an 8-year-old boy's penis, he harbored deep loathing for the small town of Woodland, California if only because they wouldn't bow down and worship his short ass for actually making it in Major League Baseball.
—Dustin crying about his hometown's treatment.
Jilted by his hometown and angry that the county put his brother in prison, Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox hobbit second baseman had this to say:
—From the Dustin Blog.
Holy shit, it is impossible to be this much of a faggot.
—Kevin Youkilis Sucks Forum.
Kevin Youkilis, who never knows which position he will play for the Red Sox, is a roid-raging monster of a homosexual. Of all the arguments that state that "baseball sucks," Kevin Youkilis is the only one that has a shred of truth. From his ridiculously homo-erotic batting stance, all the way to his beat down by a pitcher who was 100 pounds lighter than him, he is the posterboy for the Red Sox nation.
—From "Why I hate the Red Sox.
<video type="youtube" id="YbzBTgYOoIg" width="200" height="200" desc="Papelbon doing his best Lord of the Dance impression. The faggot is doing it in his underwear at Fenway." frame="true" position="right"/>
Besides being the largest douchebag in baseball, Papelbon himself and the whole Red Sox Nation believe that he is the greatest closing pitcher ever to grace the vaunted mound of Major League Baseball. Other noted opinions do not share this same view.
—Even when he's trying to be smart, Francona fucks up.
Jason Varitek is the catcher and the captain of the Red Sox. He will tell you all about how he is the captain...but he doesn't need to because he wears a very large "C" on his jersey to SHOW you just how cool he is. Besides being about the most snobby move any baseball player has ever made, it is also pretty stupid because a baseball team captain really doesn't do anything. So, in summation, Jason Varitek basically runs around with a large "C" on his jersey to denote his douchebaggery.
Fenway Park is a very old hunk of shit where the Red Sox play their home games. It is dominated by three physical barriers that make playing there quite a terrible experience:
- The Green Monster - A massive wall in left field.
- The Pesky Pole - A very short porch in right field that is dominated by a large yellow foul pole.
- The Obnoxious Fans - A group of loud retards that make more noise than a pack of howler monkeys on Meth.
How to make Fenway Park a quiet place:
2004 World Series
Now that members of the 2004 Red Sox team has been outed for using steroids, David Ortiz and several other players have had to "play clean." Is it any wonder they suck now?
Ben Affleck likes small children.
Good Will Hunting may be the only member of Red Sox nation to have memorized the Sox bullpen.
Big Papi, the cross dressing steroid user.
Pedroia's hometown shows some love for the baseball star.
ROR me rikey led sox!
They named the little retard "Yastrzemski."
Wait until the end for the Kevin Youkilis batting stance.
- Dustin Pedroia Blog
- 12 Reasons to hate the Red Sox Fans Facebook
- Kevin Youkilis Sucks forum.
- Baseball Prospectus accidentally calls Jewish Red Sox player "Youkike"
- The Boston Massacre.
- Jason Varitek Sucks Forum.
Red Sox Nation
is part of a series on
the ED Special Olympics
Air Bud • Allison Stokke • Barry Bonds • Billy Martin • Brandon Phillips • Brett Favre • Bruce Jenner • Cindy Crosby • Diego Maradona • Gary Lineker • George Steinbrenner • Jim Bunning • John Terry • Klitschko brothers • Lawrence Taylor • Michael Phelps • Mike Tyson • Nodar Kumaritashvili • Rax Grissman • Robert Green • Ron Mexico • Shawn Johnson • Thurman Thomas • Ty Cobb • Zinedine Zidane •