Resident Evil 3

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A large amount of gameplay time will be spent running away from things, mainly because Jill is a woman.

Resident Evil 3, or "RE3" as it is known by acronym-savvy fans, is a "survival-horror" game developed by Capcom in which the player is chased by Nemesis as they attempt to navigate a zombie invested city. However, the term "survival horror" can be quite misleading, as there is no mention that while surviving the horror, the player must solve more puzzles than Carol Vorderman could shake a stick at.

The main aim of the game is to help the well endowed protagonist Jill Valentine find some clothes to help cover herself up (or not), and if the player so chooses, escape the carnage of the T-virus infection before the city is annihilated.

It inter-relates with the other series of the games, and is set:

...Still keeping up?

Setting[edit]

Flame Racoon, mayor of Raccoon City
Another coon on fire and Raccoon City treasurer.

Raccoon City was a small Midwestern US town turned mega-city with a population of a lot until it was destroyed by a thermonuclear device in 1998, probably due to liberals. Its current population stands at 0.

Founded last Thursday by a brigade of traveling super-smart raccoons, many citizens found life in the small burg quite difficult. For example, to even leave one's house required the combination of several different keys all of which were scattered inconspicuously in closets and chests, which themselves required keys to be opened. Driving around town was an equally frustrating experience as most main roads tended to be blocked by stacks of burning cars and/or large crates.

The Jumping Ban, imposed in 1995, made the navigation of these generic crates especially hard. According to one former resident of the town, visits to the local supermarket required a will of steel. As citizens could only carry 4 - 6 items at a time; Would you like to replace your house key with 1 x tampon? Y/N would've been a difficult choice to make.

However, some argue that solving puzzles while traversing the city actually improved the average citizen's IQ. This theory has been debunked on the grounds that those people with supposedly high IQs managed to be devoured alive.

The city now has one of the lowest crime rates in the world, mainly because everyone is dead.

It was also formerly home to the Umbrella Corporation, the world's largest exporter of umbrellas and nefarious mutagenic viruses.

Backstory[edit]

Jill and Chris Redfield were part of a special group of cops. One fateful night sometime back, they were sent to investigate why their helicopter fucking crashed. It was originally speculated that one of the people on-board had been previously charging their laz0rs.

A lulzy adventure ensues in a large mansion where Jill and Chris discover, to their utmost horror that the cliché of zombie films are true! The Umbrella Corporation, using the manufacture of medium sized economy umbrellas as a front, have been developing viral weapons, and OMG it's turned all the scientists into zombies!!1one!11

After many protracted battles and a plot that flips and flops like the footwear of the same name, the mansion is blown up and all traces of the viral outbreak (henceforth christened the T-Virus, as it was first discovered in a cup of tea in Maine), are eradicated. Chris and Jill, and various other characters of non-importance, escape and attempt to warn the world about the risk of global AIDS, followed by mass amounts of fried chicken and general faggotry.

However, as this is 1998, and Pokémon Red & Blue are being launched, no-one can be bothered listening to them. Chris, in desperation, leaves the country to have his own sequel. (Because liek Leon totally got Resident Evil 4.)

Jill decides to remain in Raccoon City, mainly because if she didn't, there wouldn't be a game! she's a woman and cannot make intelligent choices. Duh.

Plot[edit]

Re3box.jpg

The T-Virus has reached the streets of Raccoon City, turning the local people into blood thirsty and/or flesh hungry monsters.

Jill, realizing this is a situation a woman just can't handle, decides to GTFO of town while she still can. Upon meeting fellow S.T.A.R.S. officer, Brad Vickers in a bar, she is warned of a stalker that is hunting remaining S.T.A.R.S members, and this time it's not just limited to Facebook.

The two split up (because it wouldn't make sense to work together) but manage to meet up again at the local police station. Wreaking heavily of guro and prostitution, the stalker is revealed to be none other than "Nemesis" - a rather fugly assassin deployed by the CIA to silence Jill and the rest of her team (more evidence that women just won't STFU.) Nemesis skullfucks Brad with a giant penis coming out of his arm and Jill, doing what only a woman can, runs away.

Taking shelter in the police station, Jill hears a distress call from what sounds like a foreigner. It's only then she realizes this really is the Apocalypse - when the majority of the white middle classes have been eaten alive and the wetbacks roll in to claim the 'burbs.

Upon finding a lockpick, Jill (The Master of Unlocking) can finally open that pesky flimsy wooden door that's been blocking her path for 2 hours. After many more hours of sleuthing down alleyways and conveniently placed sewers, Jill rendezvous with the person who made the distress call, a zombie named Carlos Oliviera who happened to swim to the scene from Cuba.

However, just when you think she could finally team up with someone who has an assault rifle, Nemesis arrives. Jill once again does what she does best and bolts for the door. Honestly, women these days! Luckily, the duo manage to meet again at a nearby tram station, as it turns both have an almighty fetish for mass transit.

The next 36-38 hours of gameplay are spent building a new engine from scratch to get the tram operational. Srsly.

When they manage to get the tram going and there's a slight chance they may just be able to escape the big nasty black person hunting them down for chikins, they realize the brakes don't work. Oops! After the tram crashes into a clock tower, Jill gets raped by Nemesis and is knocked unconscious, infected by teh AIDS. The player must then take control of Carlos, who must save Jill by creating a vaccine in Raccoon Hospital.**

After he administers it to Jill, she comes to, and both of them proceed to kick Nemesis' ass in the final showdown. Carlos radios for help, and none other than Barry Burton, a character from RE1 (infamous for his want of a Jill Sandwich) arrives in a helicopter to save the day.

They lift off just in time to see Raccoon City pwned by the U.S. government's ejaculatory Thermonuclear Missile, destroying all evidence of the T-Virus and the race of super-raccoons, which were rumored to live in the sewers of the city.

The closing cutscene shows Carlos acquiring his visa.


Note 1: This section requires the player to have a degree in engineering

Note 2: This section requires a degree in biochemistry/pharmacy and/or medicine.

Characters[edit]

Jill. Note the distinct lack of clothing. LOLWUT
  • Jill Valentine - Protagonist for both RE1 and RE3. In S.T.A.R.S, she is in charge of the rear. The game could've been completed twice as fast if she wasn't originally chained to the kitchen. She goes by the motto, "A good woman knows her place."
  • Carlos Oliveira - Introduced into the game to rectify the testosterone imbalance. A member of U.B.C.S, Umbrella's fuck-up crew. He handles heavy weapons and is only useful for pushing bells in clock towers, and pushing balls through his asshole. Originally from South America, he is currently applying for a visa to gain legal entry to the United States and continue his main job of gardening the front yards of white wimminz.
  • Mikhail Victor - He followed Nicholai to Raccoon City by stowing away on the fucking boat. Also from Russia.
  • Brad Vickers - Nicknamed "Chickenheart" because he's a pussy and more sexually vulnerable than a four-month-old baby, he was a fellow S.T.A.R.S member who found himself on the wrong end of Nemesis' almighty tentacle bondage.
  • Dario Rosso - A fat, stubborn civilian of Raccoon City who, rather stupidly, refused to escape with Jill. Rumored to have Type 5 Diabeetus.

Gameplay[edit]

In brief:

Pretty much all you do in the whole game is run about in faggot camera angles looking for typewriters (HAVE THEY NOT HEARD OF INTERNETS YET?!) and try to shoot zombie niggers in the crotch. This makes the game very hard: You can't aim for shit because the controls suck like 7chan users on their own penises.

Trivia[edit]

Herbs: All the cool kids are doing it!
  • The men almost always have more health than the woman playable characters in the games. Just like IRL!
  • Raccoon City was famous for its esteemed writers. The city had the highest typewriter:person ratio of any metropolitan area on the planet.
  • Raccoon City's football team were called the "Raccoon Sharks"...because it wouldn't make sense to call them the "Raccoon Raccoons".
  • A brand of soda found in vending machines in the city is called "Juicy Raccoon" - delicious.
  • Resident Evil fans are extremely gullible. Capcom somehow convinced them that shitty tank controls are somehow "challenging". If Capcom decides to tell them that playing the game with the controller lodged up someone's anus is challenging, the fans will eat that shit up.

Gallery[edit]


MOAR![edit]

See Also[edit]

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