Resident Evil 4

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Called 2005's video game of the year or some shit, Resident Evil 4 is seen as the best game in the Resident Evil series. Though this is probably because it's plot has barely anything to do with the plot of the other Resident Evil games, which by now is as stale as Hilary Clinton's vagina.

Since this game takes place in Spain, many of the characters' names are just basic words in Spanish. For example, the wolf enemies are called Colmillos, which is Spanish for "fangs," and Garrador is Spanish for "man with claws." Some argue that they were chosen by the producers of Dora the Explorer.

For whatever reason, it is considered the Gamecube's best game. Really, though, that's probably because Nintendo fanboys were using it as the token M-rated game in the console wars. Ah, console fanboyism. How it keeps us from missing middle school, and how little it matters when they port it to every other system anyway.

Originally the game was promised to be a Nintendo-only release, until Capcom wanted moar profit and released it for Playstation 2. The PS2 version was so shitty (too many load screens, and the bonus outfits didn't even appear in cutscenes...quality product, Capcom) that an extra unlockable outfit, weapons, and more footage of Ada Wong were added as consolation for the crap platform. Gamecube owners were annoyed until they realized that seeing Ashley in a fatass suit of armor wasn't that enticing. It might have made it impossible for anything to hurt her or carry her away, but that's not what matters.

Story[edit]

WHAT'RE YOU BUYING...?

Leon S. Kennedy is sent to Spain (moar liek Maine amirite?) to look for the President's daughter who has been kidnapped. After finding the fat-assed slut, Leon travels through villages, castles, sewers, mines, a huge military base on a deserted island, and several locations filled with lava; all of the attractions for which Spain is typically known. There was initially some concern about potential racial backlash from the Spanish community for depicting them as crazed, religious rednecks, but Capcom learned in 2008 that only happens when the villains are black.

Main characters

  • Leon S. Kennedy: A pretty-boy who is obviously the stereotypical American hero--scratch that; he saves a foreign community from the scum that they put in charge this time--, Kennedy name and all. Leon is most likely gay, as indicated by the inclusion of his middle initial, his emo hairstyle, the attaché case which he carries around with him, and the fact that he would rather hit on his mannish radio contact instead of the blonde slut who outright offers to fuck. Fangirls deny this and insist that he would still sleep with them, even though he is not a real person. Uses such witty comebacks as "Saddler, YOU'RE small-time!", "Rain or shine... you're goin' down!", "No thanks... BRO!", and "I'll break your bones!" He also likes to cut himself while listening to deathcore.
  • Ashley Graham: The President's daughter. A typical damsel in distress. She is decent fapping material with mute on, especially in her bonus outfit. She also has unusually big breasts and ass, which Leon points out for some reason, even though he's not interested in girls. If you lead her to an edge, tell her not to follow you, jump down, and aim all the way up, you can see her panties. She'll then yell at you and call you a pervert. Srsly. Bonus points for using a scoped rifle. Other than that, she's useless as fuck and deserves to get raped by Saddler, but Leon has to save her anyways because he's a tool.
  • Luis Sera: Undercover hispanic that makes friends with Leon. Gets totally pwned by Saddler's penis. Probably the only good character in the game that isn't the Merchant, but completely unplayable to make room for some guy in a gas mask that plays no role in the storyline whatsoever.
  • Osmund Saddler: Anti-American leader of the village cult. Has a tentacle penis. He claims to hate clichés, yet transforms into a giant monster as the final boss: The biggest fucking cliché of video games. Who by the way looks like the retarded offspring of Ghoma from Legend Of Zelda and your mom.
  • Ramon Salazar: In a twist of fate, Napoleon Bonaparte went into the future and fell into a shitload of toxic waste, causing his legs to shrink to midget size and his voice to sound like a prepubescent boy that just huffed helium. He has two ugly Predator wannabe fuckers that also serve as his sex slaves, one serving as his "right hand" the other serving as his "left"
  • Bitores Mendez: Most gamers call him the "Village Chief". He is one of the first real bad guys you encounter in the game. He's tall, has super-human strength, and looks like he should be playing lead guitar for the band Slayer.
  • Jack Krauser: As his last name suggests, he is your stereotypical German: a steroid-abusing, batshit insane terrorist with a tentacle arm. Used to be Leon's friend, but now works with Ada Wong in an effort to make Leon more emo.
Cocktease.

Enemies

  • Los Ganados: Typical Europeans. Angry villagers that throw sharp objects at Leon, maybe hoping he'll get them jobs at Home Depot or something. Their violent behavior is supposed to be because they have evil, mind-altering insects inside of them... or some bullshit like that, but in reality all dagos are just batshit fundies, amirite?
  • Dr. Salvador: Commonly called the "Chainsaw Man", this crazy fucktard with a bag on his head will chop your head off if you don't bust a cap in his ass. Is Jason Voorhees from Friday The 13th Part 2.
  • Novistador: These guys mount your face and spit acid on it. You can probably find hentai of them on Faggotchan.
  • Regenerators: Gotta shoot the bugs inside of them so they will explode into a shower of...piss? They sound like Beavis. They have Stretch Armstrong limbs, but their rabies infection makes them very slow
  • Iron Maiden: The exact same thing as the Regenerator except they grab Leon and try to rape him with spikes. Not to be confused with the band of the same name, even though that band's mascot is a fucking zombie.
  • El Gigante: Spanish for "Giant". Really fucking creative, guys. Giant muthafuckas you gotta fight once in a while. Somehow, Leon can survive getting bodyslammed by one of these things.
  • U3: Not to be confused with Bono's band, the U3 is a big, scary monster man that chases you around a bit in a metal contraption. He will try to ass rape you with his hand, tongue, or giant, barbed penis coming out from his back. Vicious. He also enjoys burrowing in the ground before taking you from below in the second part of his epic battle. Ya know, after you were sure you finished him.
  • Garrador: Meaning "man with claws", it's a man with claws. Just like all the other shitheads in this game, he wants you dead. If you're not careful he will, I shit you not, skullfuck you with his claws. Also, for some reason, his eyes are sewn shut in order to make his hearing extremely sensitive. Thus, he can hear almost anything within 50 miles of where he is. This, combined with his claws, make him a likely candidate for being emo.
  • Del Lago: Big monster you fight in the lake. Its name means "from the lake". Inventive, huh? Anyway, when you kill it, it sinks to the bottom, looking a lot like the end of the movie Jaws. PROTIP:Before you get aboard the boat to fight Del Lago, stand on the edge of the dock and fire your gun at the water a few times. This will give you a secret item which makes fighting Del Lago much easier. Same as pressing f10 in counter strike source.
  • Colmillos: You know those dogs from the other Resident Evil games? Same deal, but with tentacles.
  • Snake: Hides in boxes and waits for Leon to break them open. When discovered, the snake bites Leon in the face and crawls away. If Leon kills it, it turns into an egg. More than likely an easter egg. Except instead of chocolate, it's full of snake-poo.
  • J.J.: The only black person in the game. He's a huge fucker with a machine gun, which he fires wildly with little regard to the location of his target, just like his IRL counterparts.
  • Verdugo: Salazar's "Right-Hand". Remember he wears the black HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS red cloak? Then, when he comes after you he takes it off, revealing that he is a direct Alien rip-off. Midget Napoleon's sex slave. If you happen to be fighting him without a rocket launcher and/or 50 F.aid Sprays, you can knock over the various Nitrogen tanks scattered in the area, making him an asspie if he walks through it in time.

Controls[edit]

This will be focusing on the PC, because fuck consoles. The controls are so lazily ported, that they didn't even include the mouse. Because who needs a mouse to aim? Nobody. Just use your keyboard, or buy a gamepad, you cheap Jew. The game also featured a control scheme from 1992, where you were unable to strafe and move and shoot at the same time. This was defended by players as being challenging. Also hailed was the innovative over the shoulder cam, which was only seen in every game before, ever. Another feature was that certain elements could be used for your advantage. For instance using a ladder on the ground, to climb into the house. But not into the church, because that would make too much sense. Quick-Time Events were also present in the game, even though they are despised by anyone who doesn't fuck their dog.

ONLY FOR THE GAMECUBE!!![edit]

Except for this version
and this one
aaaaaaaannnddd this one

Videos[edit]

Typical Fangirl blog[edit]

   
 
once i was playing res evil 4 like for 2-5 hours straight...i needed a break. So i turned on the tv and put some bread in the toaster. I sat down across the room. (now if you ever have put bread in the toaster u most likely jump when it pops right? well i do) i was just waiteing for it to pop and it seemed like it would never come...so i realaxed a little...but it poped....dan dan dan...DOOOM!

i jumped out of my seat in the classic police officer pose u know the gun and stuff lol well i did that but i had my hands in a gun "shape" pointed at the toaster...lol i thought it was a zombie...no joke....and yes true story...lol
 


 
 

—Loser with no life, who also needs a dictionary

Gallery[edit]

Complete with Rule 34 About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also[edit]

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