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Rhode Island is a small, dago-infested principality on the east coast of the United States. This makes it like an Americunt version of Monaco, but instead of hookers and blow and people who are rich and beautiful, Rhode Island is filled with faggots, Child Boxing, Liberals and fail. In terms of size, it's basically a suburb of Massachusetts, or a glorified county at best. From North to South, it takes 45 minutes to drive through Rhode Island. Seriously.
Rhode Island is entirely run by the mafia. The National Guard and police are solely composed of fat guys named "Vinny," "Tony," and "Vito" who wear leather jackets and chains, even in their uniforms. Ironically, there is no crime in Rhode Island, at least of the unorganized variety. This is because Rhode Island posts guards at its borders with Connecticut to keep out any black persons. Should any black persons or faggots slip in, it is these guards' duty to beat them into comas. Some black persons have slipped into Central Falls and Pawtucket; these places are best avoided at all costs.
Rhode Island's capital Providence, like Washington, DC, has a boner for electing felons as Mayor. One of their mayors, Buddy Cianci, was sent to jail last Thursday. After he got out of jail, he was promptly elected as Mayor, only to be v& again a few years later. To make up for it, the good citizens of Providence then elected an admitted faggot in his stead. Said faggot then outlawed straight secks, excluding Barrington.
Naturally, all of Rhode Island is composed of liberal ginzos. H.P. Lovecraft is also buried here. This means that at any given moment, you can find fat goffik chicks cutting themselves at his gravesite and attempting to practice Wicca with their fat, clumsy hands, while nervously keeping an eye out for the aforementioned police.
Since Rhode Island is about the size of a trailer park, only dwarves, furries and hipsters can live there comfortably. More human inhabitants crawl and run endlessly on hamster wheels and through plastic tubes in the local transportation system, eventually transforming into otherkin. They use these tubes to visit brightly colored phallic monuments. Backgammon is also popular.
Rhode Islanders, dazed by the bright, shiny colors and slippery surface of the plastic tubes, are among the worst drivers in the nation. The equivalent can be seen by dangling a box of Ding Dongs over a mining shaft full of retards and homeless people.
Since the great Furmeet of 1929, Democrats have declared sodomy and cunnilingus to be legal. This was probably an apology to the black people, because Rhode Island was a major port for slavery in ancient times. Up until 2009, prostitution was legal. Then someone decided it was bad and shit and The Man outlawed it.
The entire state of Rhode Island is about as big as your cock, and as such is equally disappointing and boring. To combat this, every resident is part of a shitty 'alternative' rock band. You would think that with 1 million people playing guitar all day long, some talent would come out of Rhode Island. Instead you will only find shitty cover bands and sell outs.
In 2003, Rhode Island achieved epic lulz by having it's very own massive disaster. The Station Nightclub in Warwick hosted 80's glam rock band Great White, whose pyrotechnics inadvertently set the stage on fire. 100 people were killed and 200 injured in a blaze that engulfed the building (which was apparently made of gasoline soaked toothpicks) in under six minutes. The irony of all ironies is that the video captured the night of the fire was recorded by a WPRI reporter doing a story on nightclub safety.
Rhode Island isn't big enough to have any cities. There is a combination mini-mall and convention center called Providence. Both are made out of empty Miso barrels. As the area is littered with faggots, every street is a catwalk.
Rhode Island is also home to Newport, which is where the rich and beautiful lived before the internet. Newport is also where the Jew cancer started spreading in Amerikkka as home to the United States's first synagogue. Undoubtedly, Jews came to Newport first because they were instinctively drawn to the concentration of money. They also still make cigarettes there.
The great ghetto is known for contributing 5 murders to Rhode Island every year. Oddly enough, and surely unrelated, there are only 5 murders every year in the entire state. Olneyville is filled with rodents, chicken, and cute little girls. Like any great ghetto, there are "turf" wars. However, unlike every other ghetto, the current war was started by really cool college students who are trying to take back land from the current owners and stick it to The Man. Several warehouses have been converted by unique individuals into underground music venues where underage drinking and child prostitution are unheard of.
Considered the cultural capital of Rhode Island, residents here exhibit the same social graces as in Kabul. All vehicles driven in town are at least twenty-five years old, both men and women display artistic tattoos on at least 75% of their bodies, and cigarette smoking is an art. Millions of tourists flock to Woonsocket each year to observe the parade of motorcyclists on their way to Dunkin' Donuts. Cultural events include visits to Grossman's Bargain Outlet, lining up to purchase lottery tickets and walking to liquor stores twice daily for a dozen six-packs of beer. Woonsocket also has the safest and most mature drivers in America: average speed and driver's age are 3.7 mph and 93 years old, respectively.
Being as homosexual as they are, the people of Woonsocket have an unhealthy obsession with hot dogs. No less then four hundred wiener dispensers serve Phallus-shaped meat drizzled in liquid meat shit. Every diner is filled with at least one fat woman without a bra and cock-eyed redhead.
Every citizen of Woonksocket is a product of incest.
Picking up a hooker in Woonsocket is easy. Go to the Arena Cafe (or any bar in Woonsocket) and offer any woman $10 for fifteen minutes in your car. If you know the other person's name, paying for secks is legal in Rhode Island, since there is no other way to do the secks with a non-cousin.
South Kingstown and Narragansett
Both towns are riddled with stoners and liberals. They are also infested with teenagers who are fed up with being white. They try to act "gangsta" wearing super loose jeans, listening to Eminem, and wearing flat brimmed hats. There is jack-shit to do in either town, except for their polluted beaches. Also, if you insult anything liberal, you will be bombarded by insults from people with double digit IQ. To add to this shit-mix, URI is located in South Kingstown, which brings hoards of retarded college kids from New Jersey, New York and other places with shitty drivers. You can easily annoy the stupid residents of either town by being Catholic, Protestant, Muslim or any other religion, as well as saying you vote Republican.
By far the most commonly seen people on the streets of either town is its teenage population. They are completely retarded, and you should run away from them as soon as possible and at all costs. And most importantly, make sure to avoid them talking about how awesome they are or trying to show you photos of them smoking weed on their Facebook.
Nobody gives a shit about West Greenwich.
Rhode Island is on the border of the oceans that once covered the hellhole of Connecticut (unfortunetly the water receded) and to the north borders the Banana Republic of Massachusetts, which many argue Rhode Island is just a county of. Like Michael Jackson's ambiguous gender, Massetuseetes has no real spelling. Just like Attleboro can also be spelled Attleborough or Fiona Apple. Massive-tit-usettes was ranked as one of the most intelligent states in all of USSR but this intelligence has not rubbed off on it's small southern county of Rhode Island unlike the AIDS that rubbed off on it from its black person shipments. Rhode Island is the premature, deformed fetus of Massachusetts and as such is woefully lacking in the edumacations. If you would like to get some edumacations in the manic state of Rhode Island, here is a short list of schools.
- University of Rhode Island: Abbreviated as "URI." The fact that everyone attending this school is an unrepentant retarded idiot is no coincidence. A few rich, militant, token, Che-dick-sucking, "don't say that word around me" faggots/whores go here, but the student body is primarily middle-class, middle-of-the-road white throwaways who couldn't get in anywhere else. Favorite campus activities include sleeping with ugly chicks and bragging about it while drunk, sitting on the hoods of moving cars while drunk, shouting about how drunk you are while drunk, smoking crappy three-month-old weed from your bro's sister's boyfriend while drunk, and deserving to be drug out into the street and shot...while sober. According to esteemed sources like tweaking homeless people, it is an "acclaimed institution with an outstanding reputation." A degree from this school is worth as much as any state school, so basically, congratulations on wasting your life.
- Johnson and Wales: A place where you learn to make PB and J sandwiches while learning such precious skills as hospitality. Run by hungry Jews.
- Brown University: The students here are either insanely rich WASP cocaine addicts, incredibly wealthy Jew activists who despite their privileged upbringing ironically become communists, socially inept asspies who fap to furry porn and shota, scenester fags and everyone else. Although an Ivy League university supposedly full of intellectual dialogue, all conversations here devolve into the equivalent of a Wikipedia talk page about shit nobody cares about, which can actually result in some hilarious IRL flame wars and drama.
- Providence College: Run by the Dominicans, an order of priests who were charged with burning Jews IRL during the Middle Ages. Note that the Dominicans consume more alcohol than the entire student body: a hooch cabinet comprises an entire wall in the priory lounge. The students are split down the middle between drunk jock wiggers who like to blow their shitty jungle music out of their dorm windows and religious idiots who think the pope is infallible and earnestly pray for Raptor Jesus to overthrow ZOG. The male drunkards are known to have ridiculously small penises that become erect only with the presence of clergy. They also enjoy teabagging each other in their spare time, and high-fiving over how well they 69-rimmed each other the night previous. The female drunkards also have small penises which become erect in the presence of little boy ass. Each 5th of July, they choose one lucky member of the college community to be fired from Providence into the bedroom of the Pope (AKA The Emperor) for sodomy and a tour of the Dark Side of The Force Studios where gay and furry porn are pumped out.
- RISD: Filled with pretentious scenesters who may or may not be are faggots. However, unlike their counterparts at Brown, they spend more time on actually putting cock in the ass than engaging in typical attention whore angst about their sexuality.
- Moses Brown: A school where rich faggots send their spoiled brats. It was founded at least 100 years ago by the guy on the Quaker Oats box. Students at Moses Brown receive a well-rounded edumacation in being an asshole, taking advantage of poor people, and sitting around being self-absorbed. The school claims to have after-school programs that are acclaimed state-wide, which isn't hard to do since Rhode Island is of the size and quality of my fungus-infested toenail.
- Lincoln School: A school full of whores in skanky uniforms. The girls who go there are all either lesbians or take it up the ass from boys who go to Moses Brown.
- Mount Saint Charles Academy: A school in Woonsocket that excels at hockey and shower buttsecks. The Brothers of the Sacred Cock rape 128% of students who attend the Mount. Brother Roy was well known for raping young men in the showers, especially if they were quadnipped.
Rhode Island's place in LULZ
- The Station Night Club: The only interesting thing to happen here was in West Warwick. The hairband Great White decided to play a show in a small bar and thought it was a good idea to use large fireworks on a small stage. The result: The bar burns down and a hundred people die. Four days earlier, twenty-one nigras had died in a nightclub disaster in Chicago. This shows that when it comes to fatal nightclub infernos, White People are superior. Rhode Island truly earned its place as hosting the fourth deadliest nightclub fire in the world.
- The Great Flood of 2010: A long time ago, some intelligent person had the great idea to build billions of houses and businesses next the Pawtuxet River. Obviously no one could predict that even the smallest amount of rain would raise water levels to a catastrophic degree. The end result caused over 9000 in damage and the streets were filled with the dead bodies of bunnies and kitties o noez, but at least no one has to listen to that awful Warwick Mall jingle anymore. The Warwick Mall Jingle was so horrible that the day it was written, God made plans to flood the entire mall and murder the song writer. With hundreds of people homeless, the Red Cross stepped in, along with the National Guard, to pass out checks and hotel vouchers. This lead to massive hotel parties involving many party favors.
- Ahlquist vs. Cranston: Back in 2012, the tiny shithole of a town called Cranston experienced massive levels of butthurt, fail, and lulz when an attention whore named Jessica Ahlquist sued over a banner in her high school auditorium. Why? It had a prayer on it. Even the ACLU got involved. Eventually the school went bankrupt and forfeited, leaving Jessica to brag about it on her Twitter while receiving hate mail and death threats to this very day. People are still butthurt over it.
- H.P. Lovecraft
- Harry Anderson.. who the hell is that?!?
- Jessica Ahlquist
- Pod people.
- Wikipedophiles like Linuxbeak.
- James Woods
- The musical-loving faggot who shit the TV Show Family Guy out of his cum filled asshole. Actually, he's from Kent, Connecticut, mothafuckaaaaa