Robin Williams

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He was at the end of his rope.
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Robin Williams was a tomato-faced comedian whose most prominent roles were of an animated genie who develops a crush on a homeless boy, an adult who becomes a cross-dressing nanny in order to be around children, a manchild named Jack attempting to fit in with children, and an adult playing a scary game with children.

His death last Thursday spawned much wailing and memorial page tourism from the internet community, all of whom had downloaded his movies for free in memoriam. Ultimately, Williams died the David Carradine way, with a belt and a bottle of Jergens.

Career[edit]

Robin Williams was a rabid liberal, even by Hollywood standards, and a staunch supporter of the Democratic Party.

He rose to prominence in the 1970s, when he played fast-talking alien Mork in My Favourite Martian. His catchphrase "Crapoo Punanoo" captured the imagination of a generation for whom color TV was considered cutting edge. After this success, the Jews of Hollywood decided that they wanted a slice of his profitable, hirsute ass.

In the sentimental comedy Good Morning Vietnam, Williams played a fast-talking disc jockey who single-handedly wins the war with his hilarious patter, thus cheering up Ameritards who were depressed about having lost that particular conflict to a bunch of midget paddy-farmers in pajamas armed with pointed sticks dipped in pig shit.

He revisited his success in sentimental coming-of-age drama The Dead Comedians Society, in which he played a fast-talking English literature teacher with incredibly hairy arms. Indeed his arms were considered so disturbing that he deliberately auditioned for shitacular forgotten flop movie Popeye specifically so that he could erase the memory of his arms from the public imagination with the animated salt's bulging prosthetic forearms.

But he had range too, sometimes playing characters that talked at something approaching normal speeds. For these roles, Williams immersed himself in character by bravely giving up his 2-liter-per-day Coca-Cola habit and switching to horse tranquilizers instead.

He advanced his agenda in sentimental comedy Mrs. Doubtfire, which was not in any way a dumbed-down rip-off of forgotten Dustin Hoffman vehicle Tootsie, and in sentimental Broadway adaptation The Birdcage, which explored the idea of men dressing like woman, and was also responsible for a cancerous rise in the number of trannies and otherkin with his film Bicentennial Man, which taught so many that mutilating your body because you think you're the wrong species is perfectly okay.

Fortunately, Mrs. Doubtfire 2 died with Mr. Williams.

By 2010 his popularity plummeted so deep that a paying audience could no longer expect to be bothered with, so Sobbin' Robin showed how truly desperate and out of touch he was by posting a response video on JewTube in a misguided white knighting attempt to perform the role of 'father' by talking some sense into the son he never should've had, Christian Weston Chandler. The message of the video was about the errs of mixing his spunk with Orange Fanta (or at least drinking it on camera). Needless to say, his advice was no more heeded than his career was revived.

Death[edit]

The police were lucky to get a photo with their favorite actor that day.
   
 
And yet, something inside you is so horrible or you’re such a coward or whatever the reason that you decide that you have to end it. Robin Williams, at 63, did that today.
 

 
 

Shepard Smith, telling it like it is

On August 11 or some shit, Robin Williams realized that people were actually laughing at him and not with him. This jostled his feelies and the fast talking was finally stopped in a sentimental suicide which Williams cynically performed in order to achieve some kind of immortality since he hadn't made a decent movie for ages ever.


   
 
His performances were unlike anything any of us had ever seen, they came from some spiritual and otherworldly place. He truly was one of the few people who deserved the title of “genius”,” Columbus said in a statement. “We were friends for 21 years. Our children grew up together, he inspired us to spend our lives in San Francisco and I loved him like a brother. The world was a better place with Robin in it. And his beautiful legacy will live on forever.
 

 
 

—Chris Columbus, lying through his teeth

But it wasn't all tears. Britfag "comedian" Richard Herring got himself five minutes of free publicity when he tweeted that Williams' death was "divine judgement for (sentimental comedy-drama) Patch Adams", but sadly no-one in Britain cared, although many LOLed when Channel Four News ended their item on his death by showing a clip from Good Morning Vietnam in which Williams says: "Get a rope and hang me!". Stateside, ABC News brought a sentimental fast-talking glow to the heart of the US by showing live feed of the house containing Williams' grieving family filmed while repeatedly buzzing it with a helicopter

image

Death Reactions[edit]

On just about every site, there have been reactions to the death of Robin Williams. Here's just a few of them. On Behind the Voice Actors On YouTube On the IMDB message board


Suicide Genie[edit]

Use scrollbar to see the full text

:♪ Mister Aladdin, sir

What could this feeling be?

I feel out of order
I feel down
You ain't never had a feel like me
No no no
Life is depressing sir
Just give up like me
Endless pain ain't what you want
You ain't never had a feel like me
Yes sir, we pride ourselves on suicide
Try the rope,
The pill, the gun
Gutted like a fish?
It's yours! True dish
Try all the alcohol at the bar
Have meds of column "A"
SSRIs from column "B"
These meds for mood don't help me dude
You ain't never had a feel like me
Can your friends choke this?
Do your friends feel that?
Do your friends blow their brains out their little hat?
Can your friends go, poof?
Well, looky here
Can your friends go, Smith and Wesson, let 'er rip
And then make their whole lives disappear?
Wanna die all slack jawed, buggy eyed?
I'm here to answer all your midday prayers
You got me bona fide, for suicide
You got a genie for your last affairs
I got a powerful urge to check on out
So what-cha last wish? I really wanna know
You got a rope that's three miles long, no doubt
Well, all you gotta do is tie like so - and oh
Mister Aladdin, sir, have a pill or two or three
For my last job, pull the rope over the knob
You ain't never had a feel, never had a feel
You ain't never had a feel, never had a feel
You ain't never had a feel like me
You ain't never had a feel like me, hah! ♪
-Anon

Autopsy[edit]

Robin's daughter was trolled off the internet with this pic.

What autopsy? Williams was cremated and scattered within 24 hours of his death. All that's left of him is a couple of blood assays, currently going through toxicology, due back, oh, week, ten days. Perhaps a fortnight. You know how difficult it is to see if someone's taken drugs. Nothing to see here, move along.

25 September: Toxicology results expected, well, some time. You can't expect straightforward blood tests to happen overnight

Daughter quits Twitter[edit]

After her dad's timely demise, Zelda Williams (yes, she is named after a horrible game) was collecting all the sympathy she could garner on her Twitter, when someone thought that she needed comfort in seeing fake pictures of her dad. This resulted in her quitting Twitter forever as she had already gained enough money to buy a new sailboat. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS, she rejoined 3 weeks later, like most attention whores do when they no longer get their fix.


Although the question must be asked: This was literally the day her dad died. How much time was she spending on the internet while her father's corpse was still warm that she could actually be trolled off of it? I guess those FarmVille crops weren't gonna water themselves.

Zelda Williams deleted tweet.png

Quotes[edit]

   
 
Whoa, there's a child in the front row. He's learning new words
 

 
 

—XDDDDDD THE JOCULAR MADCAP IS AT IT AGAIN

   
 
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
 

 
 

—Robin Williams

   
 
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
 

 
 

—Robin Williams

   
 
I am a dismally unfunny cunt with addiction problems and incredibly hairy arms, and if I stop talking at 500wpm for more than 30 seconds my few remaining fans will see right through me.
 

 
 

—The nagging voice at the back of Robin Williams' mind

YouTube[edit]

Robin Williams destroys pres bush
Sarah Palin, the Clintons and Jack
The Richard Pryor Show - To Kill A Mockingbird
Carpe Diem
bible miracles 1

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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Featured article September 5th & 6th, 2014
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