Rolf Harris

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Rolf Harris is part of the kiddie-sex scandal...
Jim'll Fix It!

Rolfaroo chases down his prey.

Rolf Harris-ment was a popular Ausfailian kid's TV presenter, who was arrested on the 19th of April 2013 in relation to Operation Yewtree, although his identity as 'the unnamed man in his 80s' that had been mentioned in the press by the police ("Can you tell who it is yet?" - lololol) had been something of an open secret among those following the drama on social networking sites such as Twitter.

One of Rolf's sketches of an old friend.
Rolf and Savs.

It is thought that the Antipodean octogenarian had been heavily involved in Savile's little gang, inviting all the unfortunate kiddiwinks that attended such shows as Rolf's Cartoon Club to touch his didgeridoo. The signs, after all, had always been there.

In a first class lulzworthy blast from the past, it was revealed in 2014 that Harris -- famous for his poptastic song Two Little Boys -- starred in a 1985 educational anti-child abuse video entitled "Kids Can Say No!"

(Video baleeted due to copyright claim. Boo!)

During the sickening display the wobble-boarding old nonce appears with four children aged seven and eight talking about 'yes' and 'no' feelings. But I think we can all guess what sort of "feeling" Rolfy was most interested in.

Turns out you can read a book by its cover!

The video nasty ends with a group sing-along called "My Body", featuring Harris flanked by two policemen and several young children. Srsly.

Trial[edit]

The Crown Prostitution Service announced that Sir Rolfington was to be tried in March 2014 on the following counts:

  • Six offenses of indecent assault relating to a girl aged between 15 and 16 from 1980 to 1981
  • Three offenses of indecent assault relating to a girl aged 14, in 1986
  • Four offenses of making indecent images of a child between March and July 2012

At the trial, it transpired that Rolf was well known for being a bit of a sex pest at the BBC and that his predilection for touching up young girls had earned him the nickname 'The Octopus'.

And on The Day That Freedom Won, 2014 ...



Rolf harris mugshot.jpg
FACE OF EVIL: Official police mugshot










... Ol' Rolfaroo was sentenced to five years and nine months, having been found guilty of all charges, including one against a girl aged only seven. And there was much rejoicing.



As an elderly paedophile with a formerly high public profile and a lot of popular catchphrases in the public consciousness, he will doubtless have a lot of fun when he arrives in D Wing, when the other lags forcibly bend him over in the showers and ask the Colonel Sanders-looking Aussie motherfucker if he can tell what it is yet.

After he was sentenced, hook-nosed celebrity lardarse, Vanessa Feltz, and hatchet-faced potato nigger, Linda Nolan (sister of Colleen Nolan, Jimmy's best gal!) waived their right to anonymity to claim that they too had been touched up by the BBC's resident bush-dodging bushwhacker. More on those stories as they develop...



Rolf's Prison Singalong[edit]

Rolf's letter. The fuck is with that squiggly handwriting?
Rolf harris chocolate overdose mercy dash.jpg

On 13th June, 2015, it was revealed that good ol' Rolf hasn't let a little thing like being sent down for diddling kids discourage him from relaunching his musical career. In a letter from his prison cell, Rolf has disclosed the lyrics to a charming new ditty that he's written, illustrating that he is in no way butthurt about being caught out noncing.


   
 
Climb up out of the woodwork, babe,

From forty years ago,
The climate's great in Britain now
For making loads of dough.
You've festered down there long enough,
Time's right to grab your chance,
Clap eyes on a rich celebrity
And make the bastard dance.

Chorus:
Make him squirm, slimy little woodworm,
Make him squirm, squirm, squirm,
Sink your claws in to the hilt, don't let him go!
NO! NO!
Make him burn, burn, burn,
Slimy little woodworm, make him burn.
Get your fifty-year-old hooks into his dough.
GO BABY, GO!

That old bandwagon you crawled out of
(Rotten to the core)
Conceals many foul accusers,
Twenty, maybe more.
My guess is they'll slide after you,
All following your stench.
Perhaps you believe you're pretty still,
Some perfumed sultry wench.

Chorus:
"Make him squirm,"
I can hear you singing,
"Make him squirm, squirm, squirm,"
Just imagine all the money waiting there.
OH YEAH!
Make him burn, burn, burn.
Come and join the feeding frenzy, girls,
Don't miss out, come on and join me for your share.
PUT IT THERE!

 


 
 

To be fair, I don't think it's got as much commercial appeal as Two Little Boys, has it?

Regardless, Rolf insists he will record the song as soon as he gets out, but given the outcry and the dim view the parole board have taken upon the song, it now seems unlikely that he will ever get out. Still, never mind, we still have hits like this to enjoy.

Twist in the tale?[edit]

July 2014: Doubts emerge over Harris's conviction. But it's OK, because they're just the ramblings of some rightwing nutjob. Or does he have a point? Judge for yourself ...

August 2014: Harris's legal team are seeking leave to appeal at the High Court

October 2014: Ten 'new' Rolf victims come forward.

30 October 2014: Appeal denied.

See also[edit]

Separated at birth?

External links[edit]

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